Chapter 8

Everything around Xena seemed to have grown dark and distant. She placed the chakram on the belt that had held her frying pan, and that now also held her money pouch. Luckily the scabbard of Gabrielle's katana had also been put on display, and she strapped that over her back in place of the one she had liberated back in southern Chin. She marched straight out of the bar with them, and no one tried to stop her after she had knocked the bartender out. Smart lot of people, she thought. Once out of the bar she hesitated for a second, then turned back the way she came. With any more luck Kin would not have left the port yet.

What did she mean, any more luck? So she had found her chakram… but she had also found a gap between her and Gabrielle that lasted 400 years. 400 years! Yes, she had thought that her torment in the clouds had lasted an eternity, but she had attributed that fact to the lengthening of time that happened whenever one was – ahem – not having fun. Not only was she 400 years late, but her absence had ended in the shortening of her best friend's life. Xena knew that Gabrielle would have won that fight had she not been grieving, had her eyes not been swollen half shut and her ears not full of her own tormented screams. The guilt of 400 years weighed heavily on her soul, and she cried the full 40 mile walk back to Kin's port town.

Xena returned to Kin's dock merely 5 and 1/2 days after leaving it, and sure enough, there Ryuu floated, stately and in its best form of repair. Xena boarded it without even pausing. Her eyes were probably still a bit puffy, but she had cleared away her tears and mastered her emotions before entering town. There was no use giving up. She would find Gabrielle in whatever form she was in now. But she needed the help of a god for that. She needed to see Aphrodite.

Kin was surprised to see her, but he welcomed her back on board with open arms. Xena barely acknowledged his welcome. Later that night Kin requested her audience in his cabin for dinner. This should have been a surprise as everyone was accustomed to Kin taking meals with the rest of the crew in the mess hall, but Xena didn't have the thought to spare for its oddity. She knocked obediently at his door at 6 pm sharp. He was, after all, the ticket back off the island, as well as a friend.

"Enter" She heard him call. She lifted the handle and pushed the door in. "Xena! I'm so glad you came! Please, come sit down!" He gestured to a poufy green chair that stood out oddly against all the natural wood in the room. Barely registering his request, she sat herself gingerly on the edge of the seat.

"Lots of vegetables and fruit today!" Kin said cheerfully, setting an empty plate before Xena and gesturing again, this time at the serving platters in front of her. "Gotta prevent that nasty scurvy, don't we?" He chuckled forcefully. Even Xena, in her subdued self-absorbed state noticed the fakeness. She raised her left eyebrow, but served herself some food silently. Kin sat on the other side of the table, but did not touch the food.

"What's wrong, Xena? What did you find during your absence? How can I help?" His voice was soft and gentle.

"You can't help." Xena said flatly. "Not unless you can defy linear time. Can you?" She raised that eyebrow again.

"No." He said, his normal light heartedness gone. "But maybe there is something else I can do. But first I need to hear the story." He let the silence stretch on, and didn't break it. Finally, Xena sighed.

"Alright then, if you think you're so smart…" She put down her fork. Eating was like force feeding herself, in this kind of mood. She hated every bite. Every morsel that she did not deserve stuck in her throat, making her gag. "I died. I should be dead, but I'm not." She didn't mind telling this man her secrets. All the events felt so detached from her, it was like telling a story about a friend. It didn't make her feel vulnerable. It was true that knowledge was power, but she didn't see any kind of upper hand Kin might get from learning what she had to say.

"I had the chance to stay alive, but I didn't. I burned thousands in a fire that I started. They had to be avenged." She didn't mention Gabrielle yet. That would be too painful to go into detail. "So I stayed dead. But instead of moving on to whatever judgment I deserved, I stayed stuck in between worlds, completely helpless." She swallowed. It was more painful than she thought it would be. "Then I was given this body, so I'm back. But… I've lost a dear friend in the process." A single tear slid down her cheek, but she did not bother to brush it away. Having loved someone was not a sign of weakness. She closed her mouth and pushed her lips forward in an aggressive pout. That was all the story she thought she could ever tell to someone. She was not about to elaborate. The pain was building up on her chest, and any more words would spill more than syllables.

Kin thought on this for a while. "And this all happened here, in Jappa?" Xena nodded. "I'm sorry, but I do not understand why you had to stay dead?" He was taking this better than she had expected. After all, it was an incredible tale.

Xena faltered halfway through a sigh and coughed with pain. "Because if I had come back, and lived the rest of my life in peace, all the souls that died because of me would have been lost forever."

"Xena…" He almost whispered. He dreaded what he had to say, what she had to know. "Revenge is a huge part of our culture. It keeps us alive and fighting, it's what often gives us the drive to go on after the untimely demise of a loved one. But it is not a part of our religion. By staying dead you merely satisfied the hatred and anger of their family members, not of the dead themselves. I'm sorry…" The look of outrage on Xena's face scared Kin witless, and he faltered, unable to go on. Xena quietly excused herself and left the room. Kin was almost glad to see her go. He had seen her in action, and did not wish for such a violent fate.

Xena walked out onto the deck, then, without anywhere better to go, she went down and climbed into her old hammock, stone faced and numb. She couldn't believe it. She had sacrificed herself, she had sacrificed Gabrielle, but for what? Nothing? The reality of the consequences that she was responsible for couldn't reach her. She was in a daze.

The ship left the port the next morning without her help. She lay in bed, eyes fixed on a spot above her hammock. All day she lay like this, and the next night as well. Even her body didn't sleep. It wasn't until halfway through the second day that it finally hit her. And it hit her hard. She had killed Gabrielle. She had broken her heart, and drifted away as man who had taken her life took Gabrielle's as well. Gone, just like that. Even if she found Gabrielle now with Aphrodite's help, she wouldn't be the same. If she ever knew this story, she wouldn't ever forgive Xena. No, there was no getting back her beautiful battling bard. Gone. Kicked off the side of a mountain, minutes after the demise of her best friend, seconds after being abandoned by her helpless soul mate. How could Xena have let this happen? How could she have believed Akemi and her selfish lies? Akemi, who just wanted Xena dead. Not redeemed, but alone, without anyone, the way Akemi must have felt as a spirit under her father's reign of terror. It wasn't right. She should be punished! But how would she do that, with nothing but a frail body that won't even do what she says part of the time. A body that was bound to someday be unresponsive in the middle of a fight, bound to be her demise, killing her once more, killing her body the same way the truth now killed her soul.

Xena cried out in anger and rage, in a pain she could not describe or even completely fathom. She was broken. Spoiled. Too rotten of a human being to be in the company of anyone else. She had failed her beloved. What else was she capable of doing? She struggled up the stairs to the deck, where she spotted Kin almost immediately.

"Take me to shore." She rasped at the truly startled captain.

"Xena, are you-"

"NOW!" She bellowed. "Head for shore now or I'll make you wish you were never born." She was inches from his face now, and his almond eyes were almost as round as coins with fear.

"Ok! Ok!" He gasped, stumbling backwards. "Pull her starboard! 90 degrees!" He looked fearfully back to Xena. "Xena, are you sure? There's not a town for miles where we're dropping you off…"

"Yes." She said forcefully, "I am positive."