Chapter 9

As soon as the ship was in sight of land Xena held up her hand for the sailors to stop. "I will swim from here, Kin. It was nice knowing you." She dove off the side of the boat and struck out for the sliver of land. It was a bitter farewell for Kin. He said a little prayer for Xena as he watched her powerful arms carry her away.

Xena channeled all her strength into a front crawl, checking her direction only every once in a while. Finally, after three or four hours, she had made it. Once out of the water, she only took a second to check her chakram and her katana before heading straight into the wilderness.

She didn't know where she should go. She had nothing left. She had been nothing but a plague on this earth, and nothing would redeem her. She couldn't forgive herself enough to find Gabrielle now, Xena didn't deserve her. She had been poison to the young girl ever since the day they had met, and she wasn't about to poison her in another life. Xena felt so selfish. Why else had she decided to stay dead? Surely not because it was the right thing to do. She had recently discovered that she did not have such a strong moral compass within her, not without Gabrielle. She had stolen a sword, punched out a man for being too annoying, bullied a captain into giving her free passage to Jappa and back… no, it wasn't for her moral compass. It was for herself, for an escape from her own tormenting guilt, for her ultimate redemption. And it had cost Gabrielle her life. Never again. Xena would lose herself in movement, keep running until it all went away, walk and fight until she was so exhausted she couldn't think anymore. Then merciful darkness would come along with the sleep that had been denied her soul every night since Mt. Fuji.

So, Xena walked. And she walked. Tripping over herself, half dazed, she still demolished every group of thieves that crossed her path. But she hardly took notice. Her bloodlust was gone, along with her will to live. But live she did, forcing herself to hunt and eat every now and again, sometimes allowing, without any other choice, for her body to fall to the ground from exhaustion mid-stride, forced to sleep because her body had faltered and fainted without it. But her soul was unrelenting in its agitation, and she never slept long before she was forced to push onward, chased by her immense guilt.

On and on she walked, for how many miles she didn't know. Until one day, in the middle of a cold and barren field that was undeniably approaching winter, she fell and didn't get up. Her body shook violently with the chill of the season, and she watched helplessly as her body slowly died… again. She wondered if this time maybe, just maybe, she would be allowed to go on, to die completely and be reborn into another life. But nothing had changed since her last death. As surely as her health failed, she knew she had failed herself. She hadn't been strong enough, she had allowed her chance at life slip away from her once more, completely helpless to stop it. Once again she would be caught up in that forsaken cloud, unable even to wipe her tearful eyes as she wrestled with her terrible past, with her loss of Gabrielle.

Then something happened. She saw with her spiritual vision a form check her pulse, then wrap her in a coarse blanket. It was a young man of the land of Chin, and he laid her dying body on a cart stacked high with bags of rice. She lay perilously on top of it, her mouth open, tongue lolling slightly, bouncing and rocking with every bump the cart went over. What a pathetic sight. Xena couldn't stand feeling her body draped so helplessly over this farmer's produce. She tried to close her mind to it, but still she was painfully aware of her own weight, and she drowned in the sounds that surrounded her. The sound this Chinese man's footsteps, the grinding crunch of wheel against rock, and her own heartbeat pounding resolutely away echoed in her head, drowning out her thoughts. The sounds vibrated her skull and threatened to pulverize her brain. On they went, trapping her and pulling her deeper and deeper into her battered head, unrelenting in its torment. Then through the sounds came the clashing of steel and distant voices shouting. Xena was thrust painfully out of her demented brain to see the man who saved her matching blades with none other than the descendant of Morimoto, the bartender from whom she had taken her chakram and Gabrielle's katana. He was fighting with a sword and a look of vengeance on his face. The farmer had detached the long wooden yoke that he used to pull the cart and was fighting with it, using the same moves Gabrielle had used with her staff. He was nearly as good with it as Gabrielle had once been, but that wasn't enough. Xena struggled with her body to get up and fight, but it was gripped with paralysis, and Morimoto's descendant ran the farmer through with a triumphant shout. His cry was cut short though as, injured as he was, Xena's rescuer hit him hard on his right temple, caving in his skull and taking his life. The simple farmer followed the attacker to the ground.

"Mulan…" She heard him call out with his last breath. Xena struggled still against her bonds, but was unable to force her body to move. She was helpless, still barely alive.

Xena couldn't believe it. Now she was to blame for another good soul. There was no denying that this was all her fault; she had brought the wrath of a man from Jappa onto the head of a peaceful farmer who, for what ever reason, had given up his life to save hers. He should have just let her die. Her guilt was piling up, and she had never hated herself so much in her life.

Xena lay on the cart, painfully aware of the silence that surrounded her, for hours. Finally a stooped form limped along the path toward them. When he came upon the casualties of the fight he stopped, and Xena heard a moan of deep sorrow and loss. The man ran over to one of the bodies and began to sob. Xena felt she was intruding on a very private moment and tried again to block out her surroundings, but to no avail. Then after a long moment passed he picked up one of the fallen men, the man who had given his life to save hers, and laid him gently next to her on the cart. Still sobbing, he re-attached the yoke and soon they began moving further down the path.

Not long after that her little cart took a turn off the main path, and the old man stopped it in front of a squat little house. Despite the age of his face, the lack of color in his long grey hair, and his marked limp, the man carried Xena into the house without much effort. Either he was stronger than he looked or all of Xena's bulk and muscle had and dwindled down to nothing during her tormented wanderings. The old man was greeted with a worried female voice and the scurrying of small feet within the home. She was being set down on a soft bed when she heard the cries of aguish coming from where she had come, where the man had left the cart. Not only had his good deed for her cause this young man's death, but his family, or what she could only guess was his family, was now giving her a soft warm bed even as they struggled to realize the finality of death. As the man began to sponge away the sweat from her brow it became too much, and her heart completely broke under the weight of it all.

Once again, she cried out for help.

Immediately, sweet darkness closed itself around her, and for the first time since the earth had embraced her in southern Chin, she slept.

But Xena slept fitfully. The milky darkness churned with one nightmare after another. She heard the clash of steel, screaming voices, the crackle of fire.

Then a figure came at her through the chaos.

Gabrielle clutched at Xena's face.

"Why, Xena?" She said through clenched teeth, "Why did you leave me?"

"I didn't- Gabrielle, I couldn't- I tried but-"

"Excuses!" Gabrielle slapped her face away, then clawed at it again, bringing it inches from her own. Her voice was full of rage.

"I should have been your greater good, Xena."

Xena began to cry. "Forgive me!" She pleaded, "Please, forgive me!"

Gabrielle dissolved, then reformed into another familiar face. But this one did not scream at her. Eli was smiling.

"You are forgiven Xena, for everything."

"But Gabrielle-"

"Gabrielle was a wonderful companion, but she is as frail as breath, do not judge yourself based on dreams of another human."

"But she's my soul mate!"

"Strong words coming from someone who has forsaken her."

Xena blinked with shock at Eli's words. But she knew she was right. "She's better off without me."

"When you're in this state? Perhaps. But that's not why I'm here."

"Then why are you here?" Xena attempted to glare at Eli, but the effect was dulled by her falling tears.

"I am here to forgive you, to offer myself as your redemption. I died so that people like you would not be afraid of life."

"Sorry Eli, but I follow the path of the warrior."

"Are you saying you do not love? You do not have to be a pacifist to be one of my chosen. All you need is a heart." All this sounded like a joke, and Xena was the brunt of it.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to talk to me, to accept me and my God."

"I have accepted you. You exist, you were my friend it doesn't take a genius to realize that."

"No Xena, I'm asking for more than that. I'm asking for your love, your trust. I want to carry your burdens for you. I want to be your redeemer."

"So basically you want my soul. That's a high price you're asking for there Eli. Why would I ever give you all that?"

"Didn't you just ask for help? You've prayed before. Is it only in dire straights that you ask for assistance? If you accept me, allow me to guide and protect you, you welcome life." Eli was offering the impossible, showing her a path to a redemption she could never allow herself.

"How can you offer me true redemption? Only I am responsible for my actions. You cannot erase my past."

"I died for you, Xena. I satisfied the anger of the ultimate judge of your actions. I have made you white as snow. You are no longer held accountable for your past misdeeds, only your future actions. Xena, just let me into your heart." Xena looked away, but she couldn't deny that she yearned for a release. "Xena, it's the only way to save yourself. If you do not let me in now, you will loose the body I gave you to the desperate sickness of your soul. I am here to-"

"It was you? Why-?" Xena cut through Eli's words with her own.

"Because you are my friend, the mother and protector of my messenger, the broken woman to whom I owe everything. Because, Xena, I love you."

Eli reached out his hand to touch her face, but Xena pulled away. Why had he let her fret over who had given her a body instead of just telling her?

"Where is Gabrielle?" Xena spoke without conscious thought. Eli dropped his hand and looked at her sadly.

"She's fine, I've been watching over her. She's as important to me as she is to you, Xena."

"I highly doubt that." Eli smiled warmly at the love that shone in Xena for the fair-haired bard.

"Well, think about what I've said."

"Wait! Eli, I need to know-" but he had already dissolved, giving way to a painfully sharp image of a small room and a bed on which Xena lay. "-so much more." she finished aloud. The old man was bent over her, trying to feed her mashed rice. Xena forced her lips shut. Then, seeing the look of concern on his face, slowly opened them, and swallowed the rice. A few mouthfuls were all she could manage before she turned herself away from him, trying in vain to regain that peaceful darkness.

Now you're all caught up to were I am in the story. I am continuing to work on it every day, but I am not sure I am fast enough to post a new chapter every day. I will at least post one once a week, so stay tuned!