Chapter 16

Xena sipped at the glass of water Annika had brought her and read. Xena hadn't usually read Gabrielle's finished scrolls, so she was at a loss as to how to recognize her friend in the words. It was well written, as far as she could tell. She wasn't bored to tears at any rate. There were some things in there that confused her a little. For instance, why did the writer claim multiple times that Eli's god was the only god? Xena knew more than anybody that other gods existed. She could see how people could find this faith enticing, as it offered them redemption and unfailing love. She was intrigued by some of the ideas but couldn't really see herself claiming the title of 'slaves-of-Eli,' though she admitted it would probably be healthier for her rather than being a slave of her own guilt. She had tasted the redemption Eli could give, and it had been a sweet liqueur that had burned pleasantly in her throat and washed away her pain. After her initial release, she had found that she was slowly dragging herself back into the cavern of guilt that had driven her insane in the first place. Without being able to help out people in need, without Eli or Gabrielle to encourage her, she was watching herself slowly start to slip.

The scroll illuminated what it was that Eli was probably asking her to do. He wanted her to be his friend, his ally, his soldier. He wanted her respect, her obedience, her sword. He wanted her heart. But her heart belonged solely to Gabrielle. She wasn't sure if she had enough good in her to dedicate to them both.

Where was Gabrielle? The feeling of not knowing gnawed at Xena as she wondered if she could ever see her again. She just wanted to lay eyes on Gabrielle's beautiful soul once more, just to make sure she was happy. After visiting the Zhu's she would go straight back to Greece and ask Aphrodite to help her find Gabrielle. Xena figured she probably already knew. After all, Aphrodite had loved the little bard. Xena wasn't sure if she could wait.

"Aphrodite?" Xena whispered.

"She can't hear you." It was Eli.

"Why not? Eli, is she alright?"

"Oh yes, of course! She's still immortal and fit as a fiddle but she's lost all her powers without any worshipers. She can hear your prayer on a good day, but there is nothing she can do about it but walk the earth in search of your soul. She'd recognize you again, though."

"I highly doubt it. I barely recognize myself! Why did you do that, by the way?"

"Do what, make you look Chinese? I didn't, Xena. You did that. And now it looks as though you've undone it."

"What?" Eli gently took Xena's hand and pulled her out of bed, then gestured behind her. She used Eli's hand to turn and saw herself laying on the bed, the scroll slipping out of her hands and her eyes starring dully out of her head. She hardly noticed her familiar features. "Now what have you done?" She said angrily. Hadn't she just assented to do Eli's bidding based on the agreement that she could stay in that body?

"Nothing!" Eli laughed nervously. "Your body can live on without you, though with no soul it's just an empty shell." He took her body's chin in his hand and moved her head side to side. The eyes stared blankly out of her head, moving perfectly with her head as if glued, staring at nothing like the eyes of a doll. It was creepy. She crossed her arms squarely and waited until he straightened back up and looked at her.

"Eli, I want some answers. I'm not waiting any longer." Eli nodded and sat down on the bed. Xena tried to follow him, but found she was stuck floating in air again. He held out his hand and she took it, using it to pull herself back into her body. Xena tried to brush off that moment of panic like it hadn't happened. Once again she spared a moment to hate being helpless, and to hate being dependant on Eli even more. She sat up and faced him again.

"Eli, why didn't I die?"

"Remember the ambrosia?"

Xena raked her brains of all of her encounters of the ambrosia. But never had she eaten some. Except…

"When Gabrielle brought me bake to life." She had cherished all of her memories with Gabrielle, so it wasn't hard to think back to that horrible incident in their second year of traveling together. A great battering ram had hit her as she had pushed a young girl out of its way. She had hit her head hard on a tree and died a few weeks later in the hut of a healer. But she had come back. Gabrielle had placed a small amount of ambrosia in her mouth, and she had awakened, clammy and stiff. But that was only supposed to bring her back once, and only once. She hadn't eaten enough to become immortal. And to prove it, she had died again. A couple of times. She allowed herself to look her confusion.

"Yes. But she gave you bit too much of it."

"You mean I'm a god? Eli, then why am I not immortal?" Xena was trying to trust that there was a method to his madness, but such a method had yet to be illuminated.

"You are not a god, but it did give you a taste of immortality. It anchored your soul to this earth."

That statement could be interpreted in so many ways, but she thought she could see a thread of sense. "What about the other times I died, after I ate the ambrosia?"

"Yes, like I said, it only gave you a taste. It did not make your body invincible to attack, but as long as your body was able, it would eventually heal itself and pull you back out of the spirit world."

Xena's eyes flared, and she forced herself not to over react. "You mean the time Gabrielle and I went to heaven you never really brought me back to life?"

"No, well I kind of did. That resurrection, and all the others, were mostly due to your spirit's healing powers and its incapacity to move on to a new life, either dead or recycled." She should have at least been thankful for him since he had brought Gabrielle back from the dead, but Xena was taken aback. Why had he taken credit for it? Remembering that adventure she realized that he had admitted, 'It wasn't me. Well, at least not all me.' Xena had thought that he was just giving his god credit. "When you were attacking heaven I had no choice but to pull you back into your body a bit prematurely, which allowed a bit of your soul to escape the transition, leaving it to follow your body around like a shadow, not completely connected. You have such an affinity with your chakram that it fixed things for you. You let a bit of the lighter half of your soul into the chakram of light, and when you repaired the chakram of darkness your other darker half found refuge there. When you added them together, neutralizing their power, you healed the mistake and your spirit became one once more."

"How was it that I did not have an out-of-body experience, if the two halves of my soul were in my weapons?"

"Your two halves were simply reaching a hand out to the two chakrams. There they reconnected, and the rest of your fractured soul followed like the marriage of two bubbles of oil."

"My body was cremated. How did I come to live in it again?" Somehow she already knew the answer.

"You asked for my help. I am not one to withhold what is right for a person when asked."

Well, Xena hadn't asked for help from this god, particularly, but she wasn't about to argue. She was even quite thankful, but she needed more information than that. She raised her eyebrows, and the Eli needed no further prompting.

"Your body is a loan. It is made out of modified earth, not the flesh of your mother. I have given your soul reign over it. You have the ability not only to direct its movements from the brain, but with enough focus you can seize hold of your body with the limbs of your spirit, making your body move in sync with your thoughts instead of following instructions from the brain. You may also reach out from your body to touch the soul of another, and so long as you remain in contact with a part of your body you will be able to move around both out and back into it. If you loose contact with it, you will again be at the mercy of the elements, seeing as how your soul has no matter or weight to anchor it down." There was a pause.

"So why can't I live in my body as I did in the one I was born in? Why can't I sleep and why am I so clumsy?"

"Because it's not truly yours. If someone lost their skin in a horrible accident with Greek fire and tried to replace it with snake skin it would protect them from most everyday harm but the scales would rub and scratch painfully against their open wounds. Even the softest lamb skin would wrinkle and chafe. It's not a perfect solution, but it makes for a good temporary one."

"Temporary? What else could you do for me? And why wait?"

"I have a plan for you Xena, don't worry." Xena studied Eli hard. She hated being left in the dark almost as much as being so dependant on Eli. She let herself hate him for a moment before realizing where she would be without him. She blinked and softened her gaze.

"How long are you letting me inhabit this 'loan'?"

"Until you find something better, and as long as you follow my direct requests. I'll only ask you to do what is best for you, I hope you know. I care about you."

"Funny way to show it, being so heavy handed." Her tone was light.

"I have to counteract your headstrong tendencies, don't I?" He teased with a grin. Xena allowed him a small smile, but forced herself not to laugh. She was very relieved he wasn't going to try to force her to finish off the Olympian gods. She would rather float around in a cloud for eternity rather than hurt Aphrodite. She even owed Ares too much to go against him for no reason other than another jealous god's demand. She was starting to doubt that that was Eli's god's intention anyway. Assuming it wasn't, she was starting to accept Eli's plan as the journey she was going to take. At least for now. And if she was to kill more gods? Well, she wasn't about to become a pawn. She was not someone to be played with. She looked at Eli, who for once seemed to be trying to mind his own business and not read her heart.

"Eli, why did you wait so long to tell me all this?" Eli looked up from his twirling thumbs and smiled.

"Would you really have believed me two months ago? Would you have accepted my command as being something that might be good for you? Without my selfless forgiveness, would you have believed that I had given you a body for your benefit and yours alone? Would you have realized that I was not only out for myself?

"I'm still not totally convinced that you won't start calling in the favors. Besides, I hardly accepted your little 'command' willingly, Eli."

"But there's a glimmer of truth in there, Xena. You accept that whatever waits back in Chin for you might really be good for you."

"I accept that you think that whatever's back there might be good for me. I'm withholding judgment until I know what's going on." Eli snapped his fingers.

"And that's good enough for me! …Well, I mean it's a start." He smiled. "Xena, why is it so hard for you to trust people?"

"I've been burned one too many times before. I expect the unexpected."

"No you don't. The unexpected for you is selfless giving, and you never believe it when you see it. I suppose it makes sense for a Greek woman to not trust a god, looking at what the Greek gods are like, but I would have expected after Gabrielle-" Eli didn't miss Xena's sharp intake of breath. "Xena, I promise you that you will see her again. It was a match that was literally made in heaven, and I'm not about to let that link be broken."

"No. I'm bad for her, Eli. I bring her nothing but death."

"No Xena, you're wrong. You two complete each other. You will be whole once more."

"Eli, this is a part of my life that you do not touch. I know what I'm doing here, and you need to respect my decision." All thoughts of asking Eli to tell her about Gabrielle disappeared. He was already meddling too much in her life. "Promise me you will not contact her. I don't want her fresh soul knowing about her past."

"Xena-"

"No! You promise me!" Tears started forming in Xena's eyes as she remembered when those words had been spoken to her just as forcefully. Gabrielle had demanded that she promise that she would not become a vengeful monster if she, Gabrielle, ever died. Xena had been good on her promise, but only because there was no one left alive to kill.

Eli reached an arm around Xena to comfort her, but quickly withdrew it at the look she gave him. He sucked on his finger as if bitten.

"Alright, I promise." He said around his hand, "But I don't think you are making the right choice. You don't know what she's been through."

"Is she ok?" Xena forwent caution to ask the question that had been driving her nearly insane. She had Eli's promise, though what that meant she wasn't sure. It was a mute point as the urgency she felt to protect her best friend had become uncontainable.

"She's alive, and she has friends. The rest of her story remains up to her to tell you. It is not my place." Will she even be able to remember? Maybe seeing Xena would jog her memory. If not, Xena knew of a ceremony that would bring her back, if it ever came to that. Which it won't. Xena thought sternly.

"You sound so certain we will find each other."

"You will. But Xena- beware your own passion. Do not let your need for her misguide you. You must let me be first in your life, both in trusting me and submitting to my guidance. Come to me first for direction. I won't steer you wrong, but love can be a trick played on fools. Don't be a fool."

"I respect you Eli, but no one could ever come before Gabrielle in my heart." Eli shook his head sadly.

"I am afraid that will only bring you sadness. But you've always been the type that had to make her own mistakes before she learned."

"I think it's time for you to go. I've asked all my questions." Xena watched him get up to leave. He turned back to look at her once more when he reached the door.

"Keep me close to your heart, Xena. I can be your support and your moral compass."

"Sure, thanks, Eli." And with that, Eli dissolved like heated air.