Part 5.
Sophie had had, a rough day. Uni was starting to take the piss. She stood in the porch and took a deep breath, dropping her keys onto the table and forcing her boots off like it was the most inconvenient thing ever. She had a minute before she pushed open the living room door and went in.
"Hey mum", she said, with as little effort as possible.
"Ooo you sound happy" came Sally's chirpy reply. She was busying herself in the kitchen wiping up some cups with a dishtowel. She stood in the archway, "cup of tea?"
Sophie flopped herself down on the sofa and kicked her feet up on the coffee table. She turned her head and regarded her mother, "that would be great, tah".
Sally smiled and disappeared back into the kitchen for a few minutes. Sophie rested her head back and took some calming breaths to try and silence the million voices in her head. Uni had been a bitch.
She had her tutor telling her about the coursework she was behind on and three different lecturers dishing out 3 separate reading lists at least 5 pages long.. each! There was also a research assignment outline due in two weeks and some initial stills demonstrating white balance functionality by the end of the week. She had no idea when she was going to fit all that in. Sophie ran a hand through her hair. And on top of that, she had her shifts in the shop that she couldn't give up because now she had bills to pay. Last year, after they had been done with sixth form, Sophie and Sian had moved in together in the flats down the road. It had been a brilliant idea, especially as Sian's dad had bought it for them. Nest egg, he had called it.
At the time, they had been bowled over by the sentiment. It had taken Vinnie a very long time to get used to their relationship. He wasn't the affectionate type.. hell, he wasn't even friendly most of the time. But he had become civil. And then he would even form sentences and a few times he even had a conversation with Soph, not a long one but still! He was trying. And then, not really all of a sudden at all, but more like gradually he was fine with it. And that was that.
And on their third year anniversary, he had popped round to the Webster's where Sian practically lived and just dangled a key in front of them on the doorstep. He said it was theirs rent free and then walked away. Shocked didn't even cover it, they must've stood there in silence for about fifteen minutes, before running over and making sure the key worked in the lock. And it did. They had all kinds of sex, that night. In their own place! As loud as you like. They didn't have any furniture but still, they loved it. Sophie relaxed into the memory, then something interrupted her.. Furniture. They needed a new coffee table. Something had happened to one of the legs on theirs.. that would teach them. Sophie couldn't see them affording one of those for a while. Especially seeing how she had forgotten to pay the electric bill last month, and so now they were in arrears. She couldn't quite remember what she had spent the money on, but it had gone all the same and Sian was not happy about it. Sophie sighed at that memory, it felt like she still hadn't heard the end of it. Apparently being sorry and promising to make it up wasn't good enough. Sophie thought about her girlfriend and began chewing on the end of her thumb, she still had some ground to make up there. Soph hated it when she let Sian down, and it was never her intention, but everything in her life was getting on top of her and it seemed Sian was the one that suffered the most, at the moment. But Soph would make it up to her, she would have some time soon. They'd go out, or have a cosy night in. Yeahh, that would do it. Sophie smiled. That always put a smile on both of their faces. Sophie paused, something pulled on her memory..
"Here we go", Sally beamed as she came into the living room with two steaming mugs and some biscuits. Sophie's favourites, the brunette noted. She smiled and picked one up. "How's Sian?" Sally asked, as she took a seat in the armchair.
"Fine", Sophie mumbled around a mouthful of biscuit. She pressed a finger to her lips and hurriedly swallowed. "I've not really seen a lot of her either", she sipped her tea, "she's busy with Uni but, she's fine". Don't you mean you're busy with Uni? And work, and the student union and church.. Sophie kind of looked up to question where that came from. She frowned a little and searched her memory. There was something..she was sure of it.
"Well we haven't seen a lot of either of you lately", Sally half jibed, and knowing exactly how her mind worked just had to dig that little bit deeper. "I hope you're finding time for each other?"
Sophie looked at her, over the brim of her mug. "Of course we are", she almost snapped back. Well, not really, but that happens sometimes, doesn't it?
Sally got defensive. "I'm just saying, don't neglect her, I know you're both busy but you have to make time-"
As Sally continued talking and as Sophie got a little affronted an image of Sian popped into her head, asking her something..no, telling her something. Sophie's gaze drifted a little..Sian was leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, she looked gorgeous. It was earlier that morning….that was it! She had to pick up a DVD and a bottle of wine. Sophie smiled, thank God she hadn't forgotten. They were going to have that night in, she wondered why she thought it was such a good idea when she pondered over it earlier. They were going to have that cosy night in, bottle of wine under the duvet on the sofa, like they used to when all they owned was a sofa and a TV. Sophie grinned behind her mug, they really did need some quality time together, she supposed she was neglecting Sian a bit. Although she didn't like that word. But ya know, they loved each other, and that would overcome everything. Sophie brought her eyes back to her mother, wouldn't it? Yeh, she was sure of it. All she had to do was be back by six and.. her eyes drastically widened and she sat straighter against the sofa.
"Mum! What time is it?" her heart almost stopped. She knew the answer wouldn't be on her side. That's the way her luck was, recently.
Sally was mid-sentence and stopped. "Uhm", she checked her watch. "Quarter past 8".
Sophie had no idea how her mug of tea didn't fly across the room. Somehow she managed to set it down on the coffee table but it was the last controlled act she made. "I've got to go!" her hands were in her hair as she darted to where she left her boots. Her body was actually shaking from the panic.
Sally was almost knocked back from the force is which Sophie dislodged herself from the sofa. She almost seemed to make it to the porch in a single bound. "Sophie-" she began as she got up and went to her youngest daughter. Her behavior over the past few months had been concerning her, she seemed to be getting thinner and thinner and she always seemed so stressed..Sophie however, had begun rambling, forcing out word after word but not really saying anything, at all.
"Mum I'm so sorry I'm late for this thing", she really couldn't tell her mum how she had let Sian down, again. She couldn't let on to anybody, about that.
"What thing?"
Sophie ignored her. "So I've really go to go to that, and I've got to pick this thing up", she had no idea what the inanimate object of choice would be this time. She must've used the chocolate/flowers thing countless times. "So I promise I'll come over the weekend yeah and we'll have the afternoon", she straightened and planted a kiss on her moms cheek.
Sally had been leaning in the doorway, watching her daughter scramble and fumble over her words. Her heart went out to her. "Isn't it Sian's moms birthday this weekend?" there was a knowing smile to her lips.
It seemed to stress Sophie out even more. She closed her eyes and sighed as she opened the front door.
Sally's tone was calm. "Sophie don't try and tackle it all, just take a breather".
Sophie basked in her mum's warming statement for a few seconds, and then she was out the door. "I don't have time", was the last thing she said, as she jogged to the shop.
"Look after yourself!" were the words that echoed through her head.
Things seemed to go black and the voices from before resounded through her, adding various images to the blank landscape. It didn't seem odd to her, however; a montage of faces, a shift in time, it was weird but somehow the natural order of things. She felt herself twitch and jerk, an arm flew out, wherever she was. And then she was closing a door. Her door, no..their door. Sophie knew she wasn't really there, she knew she was floating. Things were emphasized.. colours were different as if to represent what she was feeling. There had never been photo's of the two of them adoring the walls as she ascended the stairs, she knew because she kept those in an album, in the bedroom, then. Now she had no idea where they were. But right then they were there, Sophie and Sian and their smiling faces, staring at her, pushing into her memory. It made her smile and feel happy.
Sophie jerked again. It was a big one and she frowned. Her body knew what was coming but her mind couldn't pull itself away. Her leg kicked itself out from the duvet and her toes stretched and then relaxed. Suddenly she was stood on the top stair with her hand reaching for the door. It was happening in slow motion; Sophie knew this wasn't going to go well, she had a speech semi worked out, with lots of apologising. Her trip to the shop had only served to waste more time. She had come out with nothing as she thought, rather correctly, that whatever she bought wouldn't help anything. She was going to try something different. Make a promise and keep it. She just hoped Sian would believe her, this time.
The door seemed to fall open without Sophie even touching it. That happened in slow motion as well. That was new, the last time she had to heave the door open, as if the weight of what was hiding there had pushed down on it. One time there wasn't even a door, and what she saw inside was framed, by the doorway. Little things like that always changed and were represented in different ways, but this time, the door creaked and fell open. What happened next however, always remained the same.
Sophie was nervous, she always worried about upsetting her girlfriend. Her heart was in her throat as she knew she was in for it. She bit on her top lip and took a deep breath. Why did she always bring this upon herself?
The door was still opening, it had felt like forever since it had started moving till when it stopped against the wall. Sophie's eyes rested on the sofa, or rather, who was on the sofa and what they were doing. Her jaw fell open, she could see the backs of two heads that were pushed together, far closer than what they should be. Sophie's eyes were wide as she didn't believe what she saw. She couldn't understand the connection and didn't want it to be true. No way could this be true. She started blinking, as if her eyes were making it up and the pictures would fall away somehow, making it untrue.
No such luck. The evidence was right in front of her. They were standing now. They had jumped apart as soon as Sophie had entered, even though she had felt like she had been watching them make out for at least half an hour. Words were floating around her head, "it's not what it looks like", and "I can explain". Things like that and more besides. She just couldn't remember, the exact words, and they as well changed every time. The expression on Sian's face always remained the same as well. Horror. Panic. Shame. Shame at being caught? Was what always went through Sophie's head. Probably.
Sian's frame became small. She clutched her one arm and grasped the sleeve of her top. Her eyes had filled up and she kind of, fidgeted. Sophie regarded her in utter disbelief. She could not believe it. She was sure her heart had stopped beating, and her breath had been sucked out of her as if she were caught in a vacuum. Her forehead had creased and her eyes were holding back floods of tears. The moment was suspended, like someone had pressed pause, and Sophie was at the precipice. One push and it would be over. The sun would go in and the world would crumble until there was nothing left. Sophie focused on Sian and waited, waited for her to say something, do something that would make it all go away. Would make her believe that what she saw hadn't happened and they could go back to before. To being like how they were before. But Sian was frozen; if she had the words to explain she wasn't using them. Perhaps she had nothing to say. Not even an apology. Did she even want to apologise?
Sophie swallowed and it caused her to breath. She took a deep breath and time seemed to resume. She had taken a step back to the wall as she thought she was going to fall over. Sound came rushing back to her and it made her feel dizzy. Her head began to hurt and she searched the floor as silent sobs started to move through her body. Her chest felt tight and she just felt, empty. Well half of her was, the other half was hurt, confused and terrified. She wasn't sure she could exist, without her. Her Sian, her girlfriend, the love of her life. It couldn't be true. It just, couldn't be.
Sophie's eyes were now crying. The tears spilled down her face as Sian just seemed to withdraw further into herself. She looked smaller and more importantly looked like she had absolutely nothing to say and that somehow, made things even worse.
The third person in the room, who had now caught Sophie's attention, put his hands in his pockets and exhaled a breath. She raked her eyes up him in utter disgust and her eyes became small. She swallowed painfully as the sick feeling in her stomach started to take over. It was all she felt. Hatred.
He raised his eyebrows. "Do you mind?" He looked at Sophie. "In the middle of something, here".
Sian snapped her head to him and shot him a venomous look. So she does care..Sophie considered, as she looked at Sian's mournful expression. Too little, much too late.
She was done. She spun and legged it down the stairs.
The air outside hit her like a gale force wind. She ran as fast as she could, she didn't know where. She just needed to be away. Away from there. Away from her. Just away. Her life was over, she knew it. What the hell was she supposed to do? Who was she supposed to tell?
The world enveloped on itself. There was darkness again. Sophie murmured into the darkness. She seemed to fidget uncontrollably. Uncomfortable with what was happening. She didn't like it. She wanted it to be over. The pain was real again and she couldn't handle it. She could feel it rising within her just like before, way back when, all that time ago. She was right back there again. She felt angry, she felt it bubbling. Just like before. She twisted again in her bed.
She was running again. Now there was light, a cobbled road, a pavement. A collision.
"I hate you!" she screamed. Her fists pounded on his chest. He fell backwards but managed to stay standing, and managed to push her off of him, a bit.
"Sophie!" he exclaimed. She went for him again.
Rosie was bringing up the rear, a little slowly in her heels that really didn't run that well on cobbles.
He pushed her backwards again and this time Rosie caught her. He was pointing at her, "keep her away from me!" he snapped.
Sophie was struggling against her sister's grasp. "Where is she?" she demanded.
He screwed up his face. "How the hell should I know?"
Sophie broke free and stood next to her sister. Rosie eyed her as if telling her to calm down and then she looked at him herself. She widened her eyes in exasperation. She was terrified what this was doing to her little sister. "Ryan, just tell us where she is".
He snorted, and then he regarded Sophie, a grin on his face. "Look, I really don't know where she is. But I know she doesn't want to be anywhere near you".
Sophie went for him again but Rosie intervened, she pushed Sophie back and this time stayed between them. Sophie was on the verge of tears. Her hands were on Rosie's arm and she used it as a barrier so she wouldn't lose it completely. "Why did you do it?" her emotions were overwhelming her again, for easily the millionth time since she walked in on them. There was a plea in her voice, she was so desperate and it broke her heart, all over again.
"You should ask her that".
Rosie took over the conversation. "She's tried, it's like Sian's disappeared off the face of the earth".
"She was mine", Sophie began, in a voice so vulnerable it almost broke his resolve. He had to remind himself he didn't care. She had hurt him like this too, once. "All mine", she continued. And then she got angry, "what made you think you could touch her, that you could have her again?" she practically spat it out.
"Soph", Rosie tried to calm her but it was no use. Nothing was any use, anymore.
"Only I can kiss her like that, touch her like that, do you hear me?" Sophie had shuffled Rosie closer to him now and she was waving a finger in his face, "and if you ever go anywhere near her-"
"You'll what?" He had come closer himself. Ryan searched Sophie's face, she was distraught. Her mind was getting carried away with itself and he saw an opportunity. He could hurt her even more, right now, and all he needed was the right words. There was a glint in his eye. "She kissed me, Sophie. She touched me, and she loved every moment of it".
Rosie's eyes closed and Sophie literally sank against her. He confirmed what Sophie already knew.
Ryan turned and walked away, knowing exactly how to get her. "Guess she must've missed it. Proper sex, I mean".
Sophie was sobbing, and all Rosie could do was let her.
Sophie's eyes shot open and she took in her surroundings. Darkness. She reached for the light and then sat up. She was in bed and tears stained her cheeks. She felt utterly exhausted. She closed her eyes for a second to try and calm her nerves. She couldn't believe she was dreaming about that, again. It had been over a year and a half since she'd had her last one. It's not like she hadn't expected it, though. Sian was constantly on her mind, since she had come back last week. Sophie looked at her clock. 4am. She got up to go and get tea.
Downstairs she pottered about, trying to take her mind off things. Yeah right! Her mind jibed. Impossible, much? She sat down at the dinner table and leaned her head on her hand. Her other hand drummed its fingers against the wood. Her mind was blank. She didn't know what to think, or what to do. She had an image of a broken Sian from the other night, stuck in her mind. Left stood out there on the cobbles. Sophie wasn't sure if she could handle any of this.
She heard the door open and saw Rosie walk in. The older sister's expression brightened as she acknowledged her, and then frowned, remembering the time.
"Why are you still up?"
Sophie leaned back in her chair. "Bad dream".
Rosie sighed and dropped her bag to the floor. "Not the dream?"
Sophie nodded. Rosie took the chair next to her and looked into her blue eyes. Sophie looked beat. Rosie put her hand on her shoulder and squeezed it, gently. "You okay?"
The younger Webster sort of smiled, and made some kind of noise in the back of her throat. "I will be".
"What was I wearing in this version?"
That always made Sophie smile, for some unknown reason her sister was always wearing some variation of something hideous, in this particular dream, when Rosie was trying to hold her back from knocking out that, prick.
"Some awful black miniskirt and a red halter neck with 'Frankie Says Relax' written across it".
Rosie was laughing. "Six inch heels?" she enquired.
"Seven".
They were both laughing and Rosie was glad she could brighten the mood, however little it was. She sighed, not wanting to ask, but she had to, "do you know what you're going to do, yet?"
"I don't know". Sophie leaned both her elbows on the table. "I really don't, she hurt me so much".
"I know", Rosie frowned, "but she is sorry".
Sophie glared at her, unimpressed.
"I know", Rosie repeated. "But maybe you should just.." she was shaking her head, "hear her out".
Sophie licked her lips and thought about it, briefly. That was the very thing that had been driving her insane for the last few days. Well, the last four years, actually. The only difference now was that she had the chance to. And then she gave it up.
"I'm going to bed", she got up from the table, "got to open the shop at 7 so".
Rosie regarded her, warmly. "You sure you don't want to put a DVD on? Get under the duvet with me? And drink tea?"
Sophie smiled back. They had done a lot of that, four years ago, when Sophie couldn't sleep. Rosie really had become the best person in the world, throughout all of this. "No, but thanks. I think I should try to sleep".
"Okay", Rosie got up to.
"Rosie", the brunette started, Rosie looked at her. "Thanks. I really love you, you know. I don't know what I would've done, without you".
That made Rosie grin from ear to ear. She hugged her sister. "No problem sis", she kissed her forehead. "I love you too. Now, bed!"
Sophie skipped up the stairs and Rosie looked after her. She really did think initially this whole Sian thing was a good idea. Now she wasn't so sure. She couldn't have Sophie go through this again. Perhaps she should tell Sian to back off. Maybe that was for the best. Yeah, she thought. And tomorrow she would. She reached for the light switch and turned it off.
To be continued.