Part 10.
Sian's phone lay on the counter top, motionless. And it had been motionless, for the past two hours. It hadn't moved an inch, not even from the vibration of a text message, let alone a ring tone. In fact it hadn't had a text message all day, but then she had become used to that. Sophie didn't really text her at all, any more.
Sian was stood in the kitchen, and she was regarding her phone, angrily. Like it was all O2's fault, somehow. Maybe it was the network and its stupid lack of coverage. She slammed her drink down on the counter and marched over to it, picking it up and slamming in Sophie's number. She was out of breath she was that worked up, and her chest had that familiar crushing feeling. Let down, again! She had promised..Sophie had promised, that very morning, that nothing would get in her way. Nothing would make her forget. Absolutely nothing. Yet here Sian was, alone. Again.
She didn't really know why she was surprised. Well, she wasn't really. Just upset. Again. It felt as if someone was crushing her heart, had a proper grasp on it, and was squeezing it for all it was worth. The tears had built up in Sian's eyes, she hated how she was feeling. It was her own fault, for putting up with it. No it wasn't! Well, it was her own fault for not having it out with Sophie, or at least not properly. She just felt like such a pathetic girl whenever she tried to talk about it. So she had just hoped, more than anything else, ever, that Soph would keep her promise for tonight. Sian looked over to the clock once more. It was approaching 8pm.
The phone rang out.
Sian slammed the phone back down onto the counter, and rested her hands at either side of it. Leaning her entire wait onto the smooth surface she dipped her head and almost crumbled. She didn't know what she was going to do, now. Enough was enough. A tear slipped from her eye and landed on her phone. It felt symbolic, somehow. She turned and faced the empty expanse of their flat and she took a huge deep breath. But you love her, she considered. And then she cried.
She tried to tell herself to calm down, like everything would be okay. She just needed to figure out how to get things back, to how they were before. There was surely something she could do, to make Soph love her, like how she had before. Sian went over to the sofa and plonked herself down, sighing as she did so. She took another breath, and wiped the tip of her nose with her left hand composing herself. Her eyes wondered to one of Sophie's albums that was casually lazing on the coffee table. She picked it up and opened it, and what she saw caused her to smile. It made the breath inside her chest suddenly still, and a happiness seemed to settle over her.
It was some of Sophie's first photographs. Well, from when she had first started her course. She was figuring out lenses and depth of field, or something like that. Sian couldn't quite remember. It had confused her enough at the time. The images were of Sian, half naked, lazing in bed amongst brilliant white sheets. Sian had affectionately named them Soph's soft porn collection. The brunette had fallen about laughing, at the time. Sian still couldn't quite believe she had agreed to it. Well, let her do it was more to the point. The blonde remembered wondering why her girlfriend had bought new bed sheets and linens, and then furiously insisted on changing them that very morning. Especially when they were due to get up. But then Sophie had simply fetched her SLR and started snapping, however much Sian protested. All Soph had to say was how beautiful Sian was and she was putty in her hands. No question. So snap away the brunette did, and Sian absolutely loved it.
Sian's mind went back, as she thumbed through the photo album. Then her cheeks flushed a little, at the page she paused upon. Her lips parted and she ran her tongue across her bottom lip.
"Sooph doooooooooon't", the blond giggled, covering her face with her one hand, as she leaned over on her right arm. She was stomach down on the bed, half covered by the sheets which lay ruffled around her.
"Why not?" Sophie teased, a massive grin on her face. "I need the practice".
"What's wrong with fruit, or something?" Sian ducked her head a little and pushed her hair behind her ears. It was all messy from last night and she tried to straighten it up. She gave up quickly, however, and rested both her forearms out in front of her, laying the one side of her head down on them. She regarded her girlfriend warmly, who had paused for a minute to fiddle with the lens. There was something very hot about Sophie, with that camera. Taking pictures of her, kinda naked. Well, she was naked, apart from the sheet... Sian felt her cheeks go a little red and she had to clear a lump that had formed in her throat. She was getting turned on. The blonde shifted beneath the sheets and as the material moved against her, it caused her breath to catch in her throat. Her eyes darted up to Soph who was still intently adjusting something on the camera.
Sian blew out a breath evenly. She moved her head so that her chin rested on the back of her one hand, which lay on top of the other. She prayed for Sophie to look at her, to see the desire in her eyes and to drop that damn camera on the floor and come over and kiss her. Perhaps she should take her clothes off first, Sian considered. Just stand there in front of me and, strip. She swallowed, hard, as she pictured Sophie doing so in front of her.
Sian sometimes couldn't believe how much she still wanted her girlfriend. Before Sophie had kissed her, way back when she was 16 years old, she had never looked at a woman in this way. It confused her still, a little, till this day but Sian knew she needed Soph more than anything, knew she perhaps couldn't live without her. And definitely couldn't survive without Sophie touching her. Sian licked her lips, slowly; her thoughts were driving her crazy. She thought of Sophie touching her, like she was touching that camera. Slowly and delicately. Well, perhaps not –exactly- how she was touching that camera. But she knew exactly how she wanted Soph to touch her right now. The rising sensations in Sian's body were electrifying, making her tingle right through to her fingertips. It made her shudder, but in a very good way.
Sophie seemed to pause behind her camera. She gazed down the viewfinder and her index finger froze above the shutter release, only for a few seconds, before the camera clicked and several exposures were taken. Sophie then lowered the camera slightly, and looked into Sian's eyes. She paused again and a grin touched her lips. She moved closer to the bed and got down on her knees and raising the camera again, she started taking picture after picture. Sian giggled and ever so slightly as she moved position, she flicked her hair about occasionally and dropped her cheek to the sheets, half hiding her face in the bed. Her grin was seductive.
Sophie stopped taking photos and reached to the bed with her one hand. She cocked her head to the side a little and as she regarded Sian, sliding her tongue across her bottom lip. Sophie swallowed quietly and breathed in slowly. Her hand found the sheet that was gathered at Sian's ribs and after she paused, to find the blonde's eyes, she pushed it down further, and further, until it rested at the base of her spine. Sophie let out the breath she had been holding, and Sian bit on her lip and closed her eyes. Sian thought this was incredibly sexy and she felt every muscle in her body contract. The cool air in the room made her feel exposed as it surrounded her body, but it only turned her on more as it reacted with the heat she was already feeling.
Sophie coolly blew out a breath and stood back up and took a step back. She turned the lens a few times and hid her face behind the viewfinder. Sian's breathing was incredibly heavily and she was literally aching for Sophie to touch her. She raised herself up on her elbows and looked directly into the camera as she lightly bit on the tip of her thumb. She knew she must be affecting Sophie, and she wondered how long it would be before her girlfriend dropped the toy and played with her, instead. Sian's eyes were heavily lidded and she peered up into the angle Sophie had created. The blonde then bent her right leg back, bringing the sheet up to the back of her knees as she did so. She left it there, attempting to show off as much of her body as possible.
Sian's gaze though the camera to Sophie was intoxicating; she wanted to communicate with everything she had how much she needed the brunette right then.. so desperately, she needed to feel her touch, her fingers inside of her, her tongue on her skin... Sian had to close her eyes; she felt her cheeks flush and a sensation between her legs that caused a severe jolt to shoot right through her. Her heart missed a beat and her chest heaved. When her eyes darted open they had turned a deep shade of blue and they glistened with desire. She had to have Sophie, right now! Her lips parted as she remembered to breath and she felt like she practically gasped for air. It made her chest shudder. If she had been standing her knees would have buckled.
"You alright, babe?" Sophie asked, albeit quietly. And slowly.
Sian licked her lips before she spoke. "Are you done with your close-up.." she semi grinned. Her lips had also gone a deeper shade of red. Somehow. "..babe?"
Sophie had started to nod her head, absent-mindedly, with the gesture becoming bigger as her mind started to kick back in and start to work, rather than simply ogling her naked girlfriend lying seductively in the sheets. She fumbled over the buttons on the camera and set it down on the side, before rushing over to her girlfriend and crashing her lips to the blondes.
The door buzzer pulled Sian from her memory and she immediately blinked back a few tears and wiped away the one she didn't even realise had fallen. She told herself she was being stupid, Sophie would give her a big hug and everything would be ok. Sophie would still love her, like before, yehh, just like before because, Sian was still the same person, wasn't she? Sian paused as she got to the intercom. Sophie hadn't changed that much, had she? The blonde shook her head forcefully and sniffed back her worries. She was sure it would be alright. Forgot her key though, Sian considered. Not that that had anything to do with anything, really. She buzzed her girlfriend in without speaking to her and took her seat back up on the sofa. She closed the album and hid it back amongst the others.
"Sian.. ?" a shakey voice came from just outside the door, as it gradually inched open.
Sian furrowed her brow and looked to the door at the head that was sneaking around it. "Ryan?" The blond was surprised. "What are you doing here?" She looked to the clock and noted it was just past 8pm, she sighed disappointed but tried not to make it too obvious. Soph was well late.
"I uhm, wanted to talk to you..can I come in?"
Sian looked into the space in front of her, leaving the back of her head facing her guest. "Looks like you already are".
Silence.
She felt his awkwardness rather than saw it. She closed her eyes and sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. Course you can. Just ignore me".
Ryan was round and on the sofa faster than he could say 'Ooo! Think my lucks in, there..' with his knee touching hers, and everything. The tosser really did need a slap, but Sian was too upset to protest. All she needed was a friend, and right then all she had was him.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
Sian let it all come out. All her heartbreak, all her insecurities. Everything. Ryan put his arm around her and held her to his chest. She grabbed the material of his shirt and clenched it within her fist and for perhaps the first time, broke down and cried.
After a few minutes she felt his hand lightly rubbing her shoulder. His lips were to her forehead and she could hear him, doing his best to comfort her. She didn't really know how to feel about it, but she was glad he was there. She would've been glad if it had been anyone, in all honesty. She felt rather hollow, inside.
Sian straightened herself up and took a deep breath. She brought her hand to her lips and wiped at her face. As if that would help, somehow. Ryan sat back on the sofa. She looked at him and he sort of, smiled and raised his eyebrows. He was expecting her to say something. Clearly he had got no better at talking, or so it seemed. She heard herself telling her ex-boyfriend all about her situation with Sophie. She didn't particularly want to, she just had to. She had to get it all out there, into the open as she had never spoken about it at length, before. After she had finished, Ryan leaned forward on his knees and looked sideways at her. It had felt like hours had passed, but really it had only been a few minutes.
"I thought you were happy", he began, "with Sophie?"
Sian sighed. "I was. I mean I am!" she sighed, again. She stopped and clenched her jaw. "I love her, more than anything". She considered what she was saying. Her head hurt from the crying and things seemed, cloudy. "I just don't know how to talk to her, anymore".
Ryan seemed to be struggling with something. And then he spoke. Almost like he thought he shouldn't, but was going for it, anyway. "Sian you know I'm going back to Edinburgh?"
She didn't. "..No".
"I missed it since I came back. And I've only been hanging around well, because of you".
"Me?" Sian screwed her face up a little bit, although she didn't mean to. Or least, let it be so obvious that was exactly what she had done. It reflected what she felt.
"I didn't know she was making you feel like this. I'd of said something sooner if-"
Sian sat forward, a little bit. "What? ..said something sooner?" she didn't really know what she was hearing. As if she needed this from him, on top of what she was feeling already.
In a split second Ryan's expression got softer; he opened his body language and spoke with a certain ease and comfort that completely caught the blonde's attention. "I know what we had, was nothing compared to you and Sophie. I know that you love her. More than you ever loved me.."
That made her heart go out to him. For a second.
"..and I know I don't have a chance, next to her".
And another second.
He scooted closer still to her and rested his hand, on her hand, which was on her knee. "But how she's making you feel now", he shook his head, "that's not right. Whatever problems you have, you deserve someone to love you back Sian, completely".
Sian was feeling emotional again. Had someone told him exactly the right thing to say, or something? She knew Soph needed to treat her better. He was right, about that.
"And if you ever need anyone, or anything, you call me. Or, come to Edinburgh.." he smiled. Which caused her to smile, too. "I will always be there for you, to tell you you're amazing, or that you're worth more than what you're getting".
Sian lowered her eyes, it had been a long time she had been flattered. A –very- long time. She looked back at him, she wanted to hear more.
"Because you deserve the world Sian. And don't you ever forget it".
She let go of the breath she had been holding and grinned a bit. "God Ry, did someone give you a book on how to charm vulnerable women?" she giggled at her comment and he also laughed. He maintained eye contact, however.
"No", he said softly, leaning his head in closer. His words were almost a whisper, and he then became serious. "I just think you needed telling".
Sian searched his eyes. She somehow felt better, but how she didn't know. "You don't know how much", she also whispered.
Sian was totally relaxed in the moment, however she knew it wasn't real. Not really. He was charming her, and she was letting him. She had longed for the words he spoke and he said them with such meaning, like he felt them deeply. And that, right then, meant more than she could say. Even though they were coming from the complete wrong person. She wished Soph was there, saying them to her instead, but if she was honest she didn't think that day would ever come. Not easily, anyway. She thought about it, and as she did, she felt his lips on hers.
Sian was shocked, and she jolted. Or at least she felt like she did. She didn't move as he kissed her again and he softly caressed her hand with his fingers. It had been a while since she had been touched like that, and although she knew she shouldn't, she kissed him back. She felt like someone wanted her. And it felt good.
A noise caught her attention. A bang. Like a door, from behind them. And then she knew. She practically threw him away from her and she leapt to her feet, spinning around hoping what she thought was happening wasn't true.
It was.
She looked.. heartbroken. Like someone had stripped the walls away. The earth away, perhaps even the entire world away. Sian could see it in her face, as Sophie stumbled back to the wall and grabbed at something, to steady herself. Sian felt like she had destroyed everything, in that moment, in that stupid, wreckless, idiotic moment. However much their relationship had already been destroyed, although now that didn't matter. The blame would be hers, and Sian felt it. Hard in her chest as if it was something that could never be recovered. She knew there would be no words, however it didn't stop her from trying.
"Sophie please! I can explain!"
Although the brunette's expression said it all. Sian could see everything she had been feeling herself, over the last however long it had been, playing out on her girlfriends face. Sophie was now broken, too. And Sian had no idea, how they would ever come back, from this. If even they should try.
"I can Soph", although she knew she couldn't, "please just listen to me". Her words were quiet.
Ryan raised his eyebrows. "Do you mind?" He looked at Sophie. "In the middle of something, here".
Sian couldn't believe he had said it! She shot a look to him and couldn't believe how sweet he had been earlier, five minutes before saying something like that. Then she realised. Stupid, she thought, stupid, stupid, stupid. She looked back to Soph who looked ready to crumble and she plain had no idea what to do. She knew it was over, no matter what she said. And she knew there was no explaining how lonely she had felt, and how helpless, leading up to this moment. It would be her fault, forever on out. And she would blame herself; she knew that, for the rest of her life.
And then Sophie was gone, and Sian felt as if there was a hole in her chest. A void. Darkness. Emptiness. And it was all her doing. She looked at the floor.
"Sian.." she heard him say.
"Leave".
And then she was alone. She looked around the flat, remaining fixed to the spot. The spot where her life had ended. She hugged her arms around her and suddenly realized how very cold she felt. The only reason she lived had just walked out of her life, and she had no idea what to do. Everyone around here was her family, her friends. Who did she have, other than her..? Sophie was her life, and that was done. Sian was sure of it. She crumbled to the floor and cried. Her body shook as she wept. She didn't think she could live, and she certainly couldn't stay around here. She had to go, and now.