AN: Ohmigawdohmidawdohmigawd! I am SOOOOOOOOO sorry about the wait, you guys! I had an idea for it, but when I tried putting down on paper, it just seemed so freaking cheesy, and I didn't want you guys to suffer through a corny chapter, plus I hit a wall at one point and couldn't figure out where to go from there, so I had to start over completely, and then I had school and homework and I watch Glee and Raising Hope on Fox every week on Tuesday with my family and we've never missed a single episode, and I try to type while I watch, but I get distracted by the hilarity on both shows and the songs and music on Glee and stuff and then there was other crap, and I tried to work on it over Thanksgiving break, but then I got occupied with other stories, plus I have Bible Study at church every Wednesday night while my mom is at bell choir practice, and then Thanksgiving came, and I went to my grandma's house for that, and then next thing I knew the break was over and it was December, and now suddenly my fourteenth birthday is almost here and then my mom's birthday is on Christmas day and...and...*passes out from lack of breath*
Disclaimer: Hello, everybody. This is Elphaba typing now. Since Maggie passed out, I took over doing this while Glinda, Fiyero, and a few of the vampires that Maggie keeps around attempt to revive her. *to someone in the background* Go get it yourself, I'm busy, dammit! I am not here to be anybody's personal slave, and I refuse to waste my energy on such trivial things like conjuring up a wet rag just because you're too lazy to get off your butt and get one yourself! *to readers* Sorry. Anyway, like I was saying, I'll go ahead and do the disclaimer for our unconscious frinend, so here goes: Mags owns nothing at all. She wishes she does, and I guess it'd be kind of cool if she did, but she doesn't. *shrugs* Sorry to disappoint.
Apology: This is Alice Cullen, the Queen of the Psychic Pixies. We apologize for any and all rambling author notes, disclaimers, and/or anything else along those lines. Thank you.
Chapter 7: Sue's Bullhorn, Character/Actor face-to-face meetings, and Bleeding Tongues. Oh, and R.E.M visits us
Act II
*lights go up to reveal...well...the set for "Thank Goodness" XP*
Ozians: *are panicking*
ROD: OHMIFREAKINGAWD! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
R.E.M (yes, the band): *singing* It's the end of the world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know it! And I feel fiiiine!
Me: *steals loudspeaker mic from Joe and talks into it* Alright, who let them in?
Gregory: Dunno, but I'M lettin' 'em OUT! *kicks R.E.M out*
Glinda: FELLOW OZIANS!
*Ozians freeze*
Me: Why the yelling?
Glinda: To get their attention and make sure they heard me above the sound of their panic and mayhem.
Me: Ah. Smart girl.
Glinda: Thank you, Maggie! *turns back to Ozians* Anyway...*clears throat* Fellow Ozians. As terrifying as terror is, put aside your panic for this one day...and celebrate the fact that I'm pulling Fiyero into an engagement that he didn't even ask for!
Fiyero: Wait, WHAT?
Glinda: What are you, DEAF? I SAID, "WE ARE ENGAGED!" '
Elphie: *marches onstage* Oh NO you don't! **censored* (you know the word! it means female dog) slap* Stay AWAY from my man, sistah!
Me: Elphie?
Elphie: What?
Me: It's part of the play, sweetie. Remember?
Elphie: Oh, yeah. Sorry...Y'know how I get...All...possessive of him and stuff...I-I'll just, uh...yeah...*walks off stage embarrassed*
Joe: Continue, please.
Fiyero: I'm mad that I'm being forced into an engagement that I didn't even ask for!
ROD: Hey, did you hear?
ROC (Random Ozian CHICK): Hear what?
ROD: The rumor.
ROC: What rumor?
ROD: -.- That the Witch's soul is so filthy and disgusting that she melts like a popsicle does when it's hot if you dump a bucket of water on her.
ROK (Random Ozian KID): O.e Wow, Dad, way to throw in some major foreshadowing there.
ROD: Thanks, Junior!
ROC: Wow, she does? That's unbelievable!
ROD: That's why they call it a rumor, sweetheart.
ROC: Huh?
ROD: *shrugs* I dunno, it just came to me. (AN: no, really, it's true)
Fiyero: Well now I'm even MORE mad than I was BEFORE! Not ONLY am I being forced into an engagement that I didn't even ask for, but now, all these random people in weird looking clothes are saying horrible, horrible things about the woman that I'd RATHER marry! GRRR, HULK SMASH!
Glinda: *smacks him back to his senses*
Fiyero: Thanks, I needed that.
Glinda: Anytime.
Fiyero: *storms away angrily and walks right off the front of the stage in his P'd (you know, "P" as in like, the longer "double S" word for...well...pee?) off haste*
Fangirls in audience: *Glinda-esque squee* FIYERO *dogpile on top of him in attempt to kidnap him and take him home to keep as a "pet"*
Meanwhile, somewhere backstage...
Elphie: *looks up suddenly from book with lower eyelid twitching slightly* Something just happened. Something to do with...Wait a second...I think I'm having an epiphany...*camera zooms in on face dramatically as eyes narrow* ...Mine... *cue dramatic background music*
Back onstage...
Fiyero: (from underneath pile of crazed fangirls) Can't...breathe...need...air...
Elphie: *Indian war call as she leaps onto the floor in front of the stage and starts to savagely pry the fangirls off of Fiyero one by one* GET OFF HIM, YOU MOTHER *insert censoring bleep here*ING *bleep*ES! I'D SOONER LET MYSELF BE SLOWLY TORTURED AND THEN BURNED AT THE STAKE THAN WATCH A BUNCH OF MAN-STEALING *bleep* KIDNAP HIM! I SAID GET OFF!
*giant magical explosion*
*I pull out souvenir Glinda wand with actual, real, genuine (no really, I'm not kidding, go onto the musical's website and look for it in the Ozdust Boutique section if you don't believe me, it's a pink wand that says "Popular" with a matching suede pouch, it's impossible to miss!) Swarovski crystals that just happens to be in my bag o' gear right next to my feet while calmly reading my copy of Son of a Witch that was also in the bag*
Me: Protego. *shield comes out of wand's tip and protects all of us backstage from the explosion*
Everyone else: *giant sigh of relief from not dying a premature, albeit magical and rather explode-y, death*
Adam: *turning to me* Harry Potter fan?
Me: Oh, big time.
Alice: *running over to us quickly and sitting down next to me* You see the new movie yet?
Me: Yep.
Joe: Now that the fangirl problem is taken care of, can we keep going and at least TRY to finish this thing?
Emmett: *uses super vamp speed to run off, then comes back with a bullhorn and holds it out to me grinning proudly*
Me: *cautiously takes bullhorn, which looks strangely familiar to me somehow, though I can't quite place my finger on it* Emmett? Where'd you go just now, big guy?
Em: Lima, Ohio.
Me: You wouldn't have happened to go to a specific high school in Lima, would you?
Em: ...Maybe. Depends on which "specific high school" you're referring to. There were several "specific high schools" there.
Alice: *knows where I'm going with this* Eeeemmeeeet...Where did you get that bullhorn?...
*everybody turns to stare at him*
*silence*
*cricket chirp*
Jackson Rathbone: Awkward...
Me: *kidnaps*
Emmett: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU! JUST QUIT STARING AT ME LIKE THAT, IT'S CREEPING ME OUT IN WAYS I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE POSSIBLE!
*everybody else turns back around and minds their own business*
Emmett: *sighs* Okay. You caught me. I went to William McKinley High, snuck into Sue Sylvester's office while she wasn't there, and stole her bullhorn.
Me: How? She NEVER goes ANYWHERE without that thing, it's like she guards it with her very LIFE, like she'll DIE if she doesn't always have it with her!
Alice: ...That's actually not entirely true, Maggie. She doesn't take it with her when she's in Figgins' office.
Me: *eyes go wide with realization* *squeezes them tightly shut and whispers towards the sky* Oh, God, please keep New Directions safely in tact...And make Finchel get back together while You're at it, amen.
Meanwhile, back in the Land of Getting Back on Track...ed...ness...O_e
Emmett: Are you sure it's not in the Blue Cow Kingdom of Blue Cowness? (AN: it's a long story, and i'm not going to explain right now, maybe some other time, sorry)
Me: *shoves him* RED ALERT, RED ALERT!
Glinda: Great, now that Fiyero's gone, I have nobody to-OOOH, LOOK, A BUNCH OF RANDOM PEOPLE THAT I CAN GUSH TO ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GUSHING ABOUT!
CoROs (Crowd of Random Ozians): Who, us?
Glinda: *quickly scans the script* Okay, got it! *chunks it over shoulder*
ROD: OHMAHGAWD, I HAZ A PAPUH-CUT OM MAH TOMUE! MAH TOMUE IZ BEEDIN!
Susan Hilferty (play's costume designer): What'd he say?
Jay (Jackson Rathbone's nickname, in case you don't know): I think he said, "Oh my god, I have a paper-cut on my tongue! My tongue is bleeding!"
Rest of us who are backstage: *stare at him in stunned silence*
Jay: What?
Me: You mind being an interpreter for us until his tongue gets well enough that we can understand him?
Jay: *shrugs* Sure, why not?
Jasper: *still looking at him*
Jay: *turns head and sees him*
Jazz: Nice mop-top.
Jay: You too. (AN: If you don't get why this is funny, then EXTREME shame on you! *shuns for not getting it*)
Glinda: *babbles endlessly for undetermined amount of time all in one breath, never stopping to catch said breath*
Jazz: Any chance she'll stop soon?
Fiyero: *walking over to us from behind taking a sip from a Starbucks© coffee cup and shaking head* Prob'ly not.
Elphie: At the rate she's going, we'll most likely be stuck here all night. And I mean every word of that as literally as it can be taken.
Me: *takes sip of Starbucks© hot chocolate* Longer, I think. Remember how long she went for last time?
Fiyero: You mean when she broke her own record?
Me: *nods while taking another sip*
Elphie: Yeah, what about it?
Me: *licks excess hot chocolate off lips* Based on the size of the breath that she took before she started talking, I'd say she's trying to break that record.
Boq: Oh, yeah, we're definitely gonna be trapped here for a while
Nessa: Should we spare the readers from the misery that we're going to be enduring for the next Oz-knows how many days?
Maggie: That's prob'ly a good idea.
Boq: *sighs* I'll go get the binder...
AN: Uh, hey, everybody. Maggie is still out cold, so this is, um...Charlie. Yeah, that's it. Charlie the Unicorn. *gets smacked upside the head* Ouch, hey! Okay, okay, I'll do it! Jeezum, no need to hit people...'specially ones named ME...*sigh* Alright, so I'm NOT Charlie the Unicorn, though I DO wish I was that awesome. Oh, wait...I AM that awesome. *dodges another smack* HA! MISSED! Anyway, like I was saying. My name is ACTUALLY-OW! I DIDN'T EVEN SAY IT YET, DAMMIT!...Oh...*hissing voice* ...Mind reader...*regular voice again* *sighs* Alright, I'm gonna try this one more time...*takes deep breath* MYNAMEIS-OUCH! ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT, I GIVE UP! YOU WIN! NOW THERE WON'T BE AN AUTHOR'S NOTE FOR THE END OF THE CHAPTER! HAPPY!