AN: Oh, wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it, heh! Forewarning, I watched CATS the other day, so there's gonna be mention of that in here, as well as a special guest appearance by one of my friends! Trust me, you'll know her when she pops up, I talk about her all the time. Kudos to anyone who finds the Pirates of the Carribean 3 reference in here! Ok, so maybe it IS kind of obvious, but for some reason that scene just randomly popped in my head for no reason despite the fact I haven't been watching any Pirates lately and I couldn't resist. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I watched Into the Woods yesterday and it had Bernadette Peters in it and when I saw her on the cover of the DVD, I went, "HOLY SNOT, IT'S HELENA BONHAM CARTER'S IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER!" and when I think of Helena, I think of Tim Burton, and when I think of Tim Burton, I think of Johnny Depp, and when I think of Johnny, I think of several movies, Pirates 3 among them. I'll shut up now.
Love & Hugs,
Maggie & the Gang
What is technically chapter 10, but b/c of all my AN chappies, shows up as Chapter 14 instead:
*it's dark because, once again, i'm being lazy and don't wanna turn on the lights*
*There are some sniggers and giggles. Somebody snickers, then farts, or is that Emmett making noise with his armpit? More giggles. Someone else sneezes.*
Alice: Bless you.
Nessie: Thanks.
Bella: Ness, why are you even here, sweetheart?
Nessie: Maggie took me hostage. Weren't you paying attention last chapter, Mom?
Rosalie Hale: They haven't actually been around the last several chapters or so.
Me: Hey, yeah. Where HAVE you guys been lately? We haven't seen you since at least...Gosh, what was it? Same chapter Alice showed up, which was when?
Adam: Uh, I think it was...hang on, lemme think for a sec...*does mental math* Let's see...Chapter eight was the one where those rabid fan girls with rabies tried to kidnap Fiyero when he walked off the stage by accident...that was also the first time R.E.M showed up...um...and Alice showed up in the same chapter where you and me got all excited over the Lion Cub Scene and started grinning like morons...and that was, I think...three...chapters before the fangirls showed up?...Which means that we haven't seen Edward OR Bella since chapter five.
Nancy Drew: Where the heck have you guys BEEN?
Bella & Edward: ...*shifty eyes even though nobody can see them*
Em: Woooooow, and you guys think me and Rosalie are bad.
Me: *kidnaps Nancy*
Joe Mantello: Would somebody PLEASE turn on the freaking lights already?
Bess Marvin: *turns them on*
Me: *kidnaps her* Now I just have to wait for George, Ned, and the Hardys to show up, followed by Esme, Carlisle, and a few of the wolves, including Jacob, and my collection shall be complete. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-Wait, did I just say that out loud?
Several people: *nods, slightly horrified and more than a little creeped out*
*awkward silence*
Jazz: Ready?
Em: Yep. You?
Jazz: Uh-huh.
Jackson Rathbone: Way ahead of ya.
Jazz: One...two...three!
All 3 of them: CHILI PEE!
Bella: ...What?
Em: According to Short Stack over there (me: *looks insulted*), nobody says "gay baby" when there's an awkward silence anymore. They stopped like five years ago.
Jay: And one of the things they DO say these days is "chili pee."
Jazz: Go back to the AN at the end of the last chapter, she explains things there.
Edward & Bella: *read* Oooooh!
Joe: Are we gonna start the scene, or not?
Everybody who has spoken up to this point: SORRY!
*Everybody turns their attention to the stage. At the moment, the only sound is that of my pink ballpoint pen with monkey heads and bananas on it scratching across the notebook paper loaded onto my clipboard as I write things down from my copy of Romeo and Juliet.*
Me: *whispers* Oh, Bella, I need to talk to you about the style of the costumes later. I'm especially concerned about getting Juliet's clothes to look right.
Bella: *nods*
Alice: *also whispering* I talked to Jasper about using his old Civil War swords as props, and he said it's fine. I kept my end of the deal, now you guys have to to keep yours.
Me: *still whispering* Okay, all three of us will get together and talk about that later. *keeps writing*
Glinda (onstage): *is waving* That's right, you just take that one road the WHOLE! TIME! Oh, I hope she doesn't get lost. *puts one hand on hip* Oh, I am SO BAD at giving directions! *shakes head then looks wreckage of house that is not a mansion w/ Fiyeraba love children, much to the disappointment of several people present, including myself, and the previously mentioned couple, as well as the entire world's Fiyeraba fans* OH, NESSA! *falls down on knees* WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET BUG-SQUASHED?
Nessie: I came up with that term!
Elphie: No, I did, you just gave me the idea.
Nessie: Oh...Can we share the credit?
Elphie: Sure, why not?
Nessie: *hugs*
Glinda: *cries hysterically*
*You can see the top of the ever-familiar, ever-infamous hat peeking above the tops of the cornstalks.*
Elphie: What a touching display of grief.
*She walks out of the cornstalks.*
Glinda: *stands up* I have nothin' ta say ta you, sistah! *snaps fingers w/ attitude*
Elphie: Look, I'm not here to fight or argue, I just came to get my sister's shoes, then I'll leave.
Glinda: *freezes momentarily* Uh...shoes?
Elphie: *nods once* Yes.
Glinda: ...What shoes?
Elphie: You know, the ones our father gave to her as a going-away-to-college gift? The silver jeweled ones? Well, actually they're ruby now, I cast a spell on them-Oh, nevermind the story! The point is, I'm here for those shoes. If you'll just let me say goodbye to Nessa, I'll take the shoes and go, then I swear, you won't ever have to see my face again. Unless...unless you want to...
Elphie's thoughts: I can't believe I just said that! She's my best friend, we can't just not see each other ever again!
Glinda's thoughts: I can't believe she just said that! She's my best friend, we can't just not see each other ever again!
Elphie's thoughts: Then again, with everything that's happend lately...*sigh* I hate to say it, but maybe it's for the best if we say goodbye.
Glinda's thoughts: Then again, with everything that's happened lately...*sigh* I hate to say it, but maybe it's for the best if we don't see each other for a while.
Edward: *was reading their minds* ...OooooKAY then, that certainly wasn't weird at all.
Glinda: *forces self not to cry or break into hysterics*
Elphie: *ditto*
Edward: Seriously, this is just plain freaky now.
Glinda: Well...I-I'm sorry, Elphie, but...the-the shoes, they...they were gone when I got here. I have no idea where they are. Perhaps somebody took them. Although who would take a dead woman's shoes, I have no clue, I mean, who does that? Who ever it was must've been raised in a barn!
Me: *glances up from writing w/ eyebrow raised incrediously* Wow...foreshadow much, Glin? *shakes head & keeps copying from R&J*
Edward: What a freaking liar. She's not even trying that hard, either.
Elphie: Are you sure you don't know where they are?
Glinda: NOOO, of COURSE not! *shifty eyes*
Edward: And I repeat: NOT. TRYING.
Elphie: LIAR! *gets down on knees in front of house* Nessa, this is all my fault! I'm sorry, please forgive me!
Glinda: Oh, Elphie, it's dreadful, it is, to get bug-squashed by a house. But you musn't blame yourself, I mean, accidents will happen!
*A pause.*
Elphie (without turning around): ...What...did you just say?...
Glinda: "Accidents will happen?"
*An even longer pause. Dead silence. Not even my pen is making noise. Somebody (probably Alice) decided to drop a pin just to see if we would hear it. We did. It sounded kinda like this: Ping.*
Elphaba: *Stands up* An accident? You call this an accident?
Glinda: *hesitates momentarily* Yes?...Well, m-maybe not an accident-
Elphie: *whirling around angrily* Then what?
Glinda: ...Would you believe me if I said it was a bizzarre and unexpected twister of fate?
Bess' thoughts: ...I might...
Edward: Oh, for the love of...
Bess: *starts to raise hand timidly*
Me: *quickly smacks it back down*
Elphie: *forcing self to stay calm* Glinda?
Glinda: *innocently oblivious to Elphie's surpressed rage, but in an endearingly sweet way* Yes, Elphie?
Elphie: CYCLONES DON'T JUST APPEAR OUT OF THE BLUE, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?
Glinda: *startled & slightly taken aback* Uh...w-well, I, um...I never really-
Elphie: NO! OF COURSE YOU NEVER! (at this point, I start to mouth everything Elphie says as she says it) YOU'RE too busy telling everybody how WONDERFUL everything is!
Glinda: ELPHIE, SHUT UP! I AM A PUBLIC FIGURE NOW, AND YOU KNOW IT! PEOPLE EXCPECT ME TO-
Elphie (& me mouthing): LIE?
Glinda: BE ENCOURAGING, DAMMIT! *whirls around* AND MAGGIE, DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING BACK THERE! STOP ENCOURAGERIZING HER!
Bremela: HIIIII, MAGGIE!
Me: What the-Bree! How the heck did you get in here? I mean, not that you aren't welcome or anything, but HUZZAWHA?
Brem a.k.a Bremmie a.k.a Bree: I dunno, actually, I was just sort of wandering around and then next thing I know, POOF! There's a puff of rainbow colored smoke, it clears, I see a door, I open the door, and now, here I am! So, what's up?
Me: You just walked into the middle of my parody.
Bree: Insanely Twisted?
Me: That's the one.
Bree: SWEETNESS, WHAT SCENE ARE WE ON?
Me: *points to stage where Elphie and Glinda are getting their (clawsoopsimean) respective "weapons" ready* I'll give you one guess.
Bree: *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!* CATFIGHT! *runs off then comes back w/ jumbo uber-mega sized popcorn & starts eating/watching*
Me & several other people: *clump around her and start eating popcorn*
*Meanwhile, on stage where things still make some small amount sense, however miniscule it may be...*
Elphie & Glinda: MUST MURDER! *claw each other w/ sharpened cat claws...what? it's called a CATfight, isn't it?*
*there is a hissing noise. it came from Alice. don't ask me why she's hissing, i'm sitting with Bree eating popcorn!*
Alice: Speaking of the furry little drama queens...anybody notice how that girl who plays Jemima in CATS looks an awful lot like me in the face? Perhaps even a bit...eerily so?...
Me: *raises hand briefly then goes back to eating*
Elphie & Glinda: *try to scratch each others eyes out but both fail...epicly so, i might add*
*they finally realize the whole "fear-me-for-I-will-scratch-your-eyeballs-out" thing isn't really working and pull apart*
Elphie: *huff* Alice, what was that you just said?
Alice: That the girl playing Jemima looks like me in the face?
Elphie: Something specific about cats?
Alice: Oh, no, not cats, CATS. The musical? Why, what about it?
Elphie: *grins wryly* Thanks, Alice.
Alice: Uh...your welcome...I guess...Wait, what'd I do?
Elphie: You've given me an idea. *turns Glinda into a cat*
*oh, hai der stoopid guard peepulz!*
Stoopid Guard Peepulz: Lady Glinda, we-*stop* Where's Lady Glinda?
Rosalie: Are they SERIOUSLY that idiotic?
Me: Wha d'you mean?
Rose: They're saying everything together like they share one brain and they're all one entity or something.
Nessie: Like the Delightful Children from Down the Lane in Kids Next Door, you mean?
Rose: Exactly!
Dude who replaced Fiyero as captain: Where IS Lady Glinda?
Rose: Well, I guess that answers that question. *is slightly disappointed...so am i, actually*
Elphie: *points to white cat sitting on stage washing its paws*
Alice: ...Okay, why the frick does she look like Victoria?
Em: She doesn't. Victoria was a vampire, Alice, no duh! You met her! She was the chick with the crazy red hair that was after Bella and then Edward ripped her head off her neck. Or have you forgotten?
Alice: Not THAT Victoria, you lout! In CATS, there's a pure white female named Victoria, I'm talking about HER!
Em: ...Oh.
Elphie: Don't ask me, honey, I don't make the spells, I just cast 'em. Though I s'pose I should change her back, shouldn't I?
Adam: Seeing as how we can't really continue the plotline without her, that would probably be a good idea.
Elphie: *sigh* Curse you, Winnie Holzman. *turns Glinda back to normal*
*Glinda is now sitting on her knees on the stage. Seeing as how her cat-self was washing her paws when she got changed back, Glinda is in the middle of licking-yes, LICKING-one of her hands and freezes mid-lick.*
Me: Would you like some chili to go with that pee?
Jazz: Yes!
*Glinda blushes and stands up*
Glinda: *points to Elphie* Guards, take her away.
AN: NOT GOING TO PARODY THIS NEXT PART, IT'S TOO FREAKING AWESOME OF A LINE!
Fiyero: *swings in on vine & aims gun guards* LET THE GREEN GIRL GO!
Elphie: And THAT. Is why I call him "Yero, my Hero," if any of you crazy fangirls (coughMaggieandBreecough) were wondering.
Me & Bree: *look each other* Is she talking to us? *clueless*
Glinda: YAAAAAY, FIFI!
Me & Fiyero: NOOOOOOOO, NOT THE POODLE NAME!
Me: *random spaz attack* *eats more popcorn*
Adam: *shaking head & looking me* I will never understand that girl.
Several others (& some classmates that randomly appeared): AAAAY-MEN!
Guards: *huddle up & start whispering*
Bree: Uh...
Guards: BREAK!
Jay: OK, since when are these numbskulls a football team?
Guard Numero Uno: OK, fine, the avacado's free to go.
Elphie: Excuse me? *is offended*
Numero Uno: So now we get to kill him instead. *points to Fiyero*
Elphie: EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME? *is now also uber pissed*
Fiyero: *considers* ...Done.
Elphie: Undone!
Glinda: Done!
Elphie: *shock* GLINDA!
Glinda: *shrugs sheepishly*
Alice: *cups hands around mouth and yells from the wings of the stage* UNDONE!
Me: Alice, what are you doing, it's part of the plotline, dammit! *cups hands around mouth* DONE!
Bree: Maggie, how could you?
Me: It's in the script! *holds up my autographed copy of the NYC perfomance script & points*
Bree: Don't care, UNDONE!
Adam: Shut up, Bree, we need to keep moving! DONE!
Nessie: UNDONE!
Joe: DONE!
Elphie: WOULD YOU STAY OUTTA THIS, MANTELLO? FOR OZ SAKE IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS! UNDONE, THE DEAL'S OFF!
Fiyero: Deal back on.
Elphie: SHUT UP, FIYERO!
Fiyero: Yes dear. *looks feet*
Jay: UNDONE!
Elphie: THANK YOU!
Em: DONE!
Rose: Shut up.
Em: Yes dear. *looks feet*
Jazz: UNDONE!
*Well, I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, everybody's shouting and yelling back and forth and poor Edward is going insane with so many mental voices screaming all over the fricking place, plus he can't figure out which "voice" goes with what person since everybody's taking sides, nor can he tell who's thinking what. So, the point is that somebody, for some strange reason, decided to turn off the lights, but we were all so busy arguing that we didn't even notice. The debate went on late into the night. Eventually, all the humans (and one half human, half vampire hybrid) either lost their voices from all the yelling, or got sleepy and went night night, and by about 2 a.m the next morning, they were all fast asleep, which left only the vampires. They were the ones to notice the mysterious lack of power. Emmett promptly decided the Blue Cows were responsible. Edward smacked him, Rosalie threw one of her stiletto heels at his head, and Alice went off in search of an anvil to drop on him. Jasper just sat there and watched it all go down. Emmett still held firm in his belief, however, but, wisely, said nothing and blocked his thoughts on the subject from Edward. The end!...For now...mwahahaha...*
AN: Originally Bree was gonna walk in right after IchikoWindGriffin's voice came down from above to argue with her visiting OC, Liiku Thriggs, but then I realized, "Oh, snap, I need to shorten this chapter a little," so I had to cut a few things out, but I tried to keep the funnier stuff. Does anybody else think that "Fifi" sounds like the name of a girly little poodle with bows in its hair? Don't get me wrong, I use it sometimes, but only in Shiz era, which I hardly ever write. Poor Fiyero! It just seems flat out wrong, don't you think? It makes HIM sound like a poodle with bows in its hair! That can NOT be good for the poor guy's dignity, let alone his ego and self-esteem. I mean, seriously. Ouch. Just...ouch. And after watching CATS, I couldn't resist doing the claws and everything in this scene! Get it, CATS, CATfight Scene?...*crickets*...Yeah, I know it's a lame pun. And the thing about Alice and the actress who plays Jemima having similar faces is true. I mean, their faces are shaped almost exactly the same. When I was watching it, the first time I got a good view of Jemima, I took one look at her face and went, "HOLY FREAKING SNOT, IS THAT ASHLEY GREENE?" But then in close ups, I noticed differences that were so tiny they were basically minute and miniscule, and I just...*shakes head*...It was kinda creepy to be honest...
xoxo,
Maggie & the Gang
PS: Don't be surprised if the next chapter has Into the Wood references in it, especially with the bug-squashed thing (you know what i mean if you've seen the play, if not, you'll probably find out).
Disclaimer: Me: HEY, GUYS!
Wicked Gang: WHAT?
Me: *puts on innocence act* Do I own you?
Gang: NO!
Me: *turns to Twilight Gang* Do I own YOU?
TG: No.
Me: *turns to everyone else* Do I own YOU?
Everyone else: NO!