A/N: I pulled a number on all of us, didn't I? I actually made myself feel empathy for Fenris. But never fear, my empathy for Merrill far outweighs it. It's a long road to redemption. The next chapter will be the final one. As always, I am humbled and moved by all your reviews, they brighten my days. Thank you!
"This better not be a waste of my time, Varric. Merrill is a ditz, but I really can't imagine she would be clambering around on boats. That's me, you know." Isabela sighed wistfully and looked around the quays of the Kirkwall docks. It was a bright day, and there was a constant hustle and bustle as ships were loaded and unloaded. Her eyes burned brightly as she looked at a four-masted schooner lying at anchor, sails unfurled. "Ah, look at that beauty." She licked her lips, as if she was studying her next lover. Until Varric's elbow collided with her midsection. "Ouch, you little midget, what was that for?" She said this with great fondness, despite her stinging side.
Varric did not seem at ease. "I hate the stench of rotten fish here. I know you relish it, Rivaini, but I'd rather lounge in my suite, counting money. My contacts don't lie, they clearly stated that Merrill was found aboard the 'Duchess of Rialto'. At least it could have been worse, she could have been caught on an Orlesian ship, which would have been a lot more troublesome. The Antivans won't bother her...much." He pointed over to where the Antivan brig was moored.
About ten minutes later, after an exchange of sovereigns, a dejected looking Merrill was trotting between the two, each arm held by one of her companions. "Okay, Daisy, we'll find a nice quiet corner to sit, clear any thugs out of it and then you will tell us what you were doing climbing the rigging of an Antivan trading brig. You could have broken your neck, or they could have run you through for trying to steal from them." Varric chided her gently, but the elf's head still sank, with a sigh.
"There, no one's here. Come, kitten, sit with us." Isabela sat on the edge of a quay where no ship was anchored, for the moment. Her feet dangled, and she inhaled the briny air. She patted the ground, and Merrill slowly lowered herself. Varric sat on her other side. Isabela and the dwarf exchanged a concerned glance. Merrill looked like she hadn't slept in days, dark circles underneath her large green eyes. The pirate could not recall ever having seen her more unhappy than this.
Varric reached into an inside pocket of his leather duster and then proffered a pocket flask at Merrill. "Have a sip of rum. You could use some color in your cheeks, Daisy. Have a drink, and relax. You're in good hands."
The elf surprised both of them by having a long swig of rum and then bursting into tears, cradling her face in both hands as large sobs made her dainty frame shake. Isabela put her arm around Merrill, making soothing sounds. "It's okay, kitten. I certainly don't blame you for exploring a ship like that. We're not mad at you."
Merrill cried for a couple more minutes, and then drank more rum. She wiped her eyes on a sleeve of her green tunic. "It's not about the ship that I am crying. Have you ever...have you ever done something so stupid, so colossally stupid that you are so overwhelmed by it, that you really do not know how to ever fix it?" She turned her head to look at first Isabela, then Varric.
Isabela bit her bottom lip and looked rather uncomfortable, as if whatever Merrill had just mentioned was too close to home. "I might have. What if?"
Varric merely shrugged his shoulders. "Don't we all do things like that as we move through life? Don't we move on and learn? I try to." He looked over his shoulder, at Bianca, and went silent.
The elf shook her head, tears still spilling from her expressive eyes. "I have done more stupid things than any person should be allowed to. If I tell you what I did, you will despise me like the rest. You are the only friends I have, so I can't even tell you. I can't."
Isabela tilted her head at Merrill. "What about Hawke? You guys are friends."
"Not anymore. She told me to go rot in the alienage. I...don't think I'll see her again. I don't think I will travel with you anymore." Merrill's chin sank to her chest as she blindly stared at small waves splashing against the quay.
"That doesn't sound like Hawke," Varric added, puzzled. "There must be more to this, Daisy. Still, I daresay there is no stupidity that you cannot recover from. It just might take time. Maybe your friends can help you with fixing it. I have a lot of imagination." The dwarf chuckled.
Merrill let out a long sigh, and then in a very monotonous voice stated "I prayed to Elgar'nan to grant me revenge. I felt Fenris and Hawke robbed me of my future, my people's future, when they denied me the use of the arulin'holm to fix my mirror. I was tired and aching of all the insults he bestowed on me as long as I have known him. I knew they were falling in love and so I decided that this would not be."
The elf's hands were resting on her legs, the nails digging deeply into the leather. "I took up a friendship with Hawke and filled both their heads with doubts, trepidation, outright lies. I first wanted to ask you to seduce her for me, Isabela, but then decided you would despise me for it, and I would not be able to bear it. So I took matters in my own hands."
She hesitated briefly, then went on. Too late to turn back from revealing the truth. "The more time we spent, the closer we got, and the more I lost my original purpose. I fell in love with her. That's when I should have ended this travesty, these lies. But I didn't. I was still childishly craving my revenge. I sent him an invitation that Hawke had sent me, and he falsely assumed it was for him. I did this with the express purpose of having him catch us in an intimate moment. He did."
She laughed hysterically. "You know what revenge tastes like? I thought it would be sweet and glorious. It was sweet and glorious for all of a second when I looked in his face. But then it tasted nothing but foul, putrid, rancid. There was no sweetness left. Now I have the one thing that I thought I wanted more than anything in life, and I humiliated and degraded my greatest enemy. Only to find out that the thing I wanted is nothing, that I lost the thing I really wanted more than anything, and that my greatest enemy is myself."
Merrill stared across the docks to where the tall Antivan brig still lay anchored. "I wanted to climb the rigging, get to the top, feel free from myself and all pain for one glorious moment, and then drown." She turned her head to look at Isabela oddly. "I cannot swim."
Before either Varric or Isabela were able to say a word, Merrill had pushed herself off the quay, sinking like a rock wearing her chainmail.
"I am so bloody pissed at you, you have no idea, Merrill." The elf's teeth were chattering as she listened to Isabela curse bloody murder at her. "How dare you make me jump in the water like that? Do you know how long it takes for leather to dry? And your towels are nothing but rags not even worthy of mopping the floor with them." Isabela stomped through Merrill's house with anger in her steps while the elf lay thickly wrapped in blankets in her bed, her wet clothing unceremoniously dumped on the floor.
Unlike Merrill, Isabela swam very well, and had dragged Merrill out of the water quickly. Varric and Isabela had then taken the elf back to her house in the alienage. The dwarf had disappeared to get a warm meal for all of them. It was just the two women now. Isabela carried a chair over to Merrill's bed and then sat down with a sigh, removing her damp bandana to let her hair dry out.
Reaching out to take one of Merrill's hand, Isabela looked at the elf unhappily. "Promise me you won't do that again, kitten. I understand you're upset and maybe desperate. You pulled a number on all of us, didn't you? No one would ever have thought you had it in you, Merrill." She smiled thinly. "Now live with it. Deal with it. You know you were wrong. Don't rush it. You are such a smart girl, and I know that you have a good heart. I just know it. Me, I have stolen and betrayed, lied and pillaged, had people place trust in me when I am not trustworthy. I have done worse things than you have, believe it or not."
Merrill listened without letting go of Isabela's hand, using it as her anchor. Her blankets were pulled up to her chin. She coughed, and it still hurt, from all the water she had swallowed.
"I am not saying you did anything noble or good when you screwed with both Fenris and Hawke." Isabela made a face. "Well, not literally, I mean. I hope. That would be sick, kitten." The pirate's attempt at a joke fell flat. "I can't give you any real advice, Merrill. I am hopeless with feelings. When feelings come into play, things get fucked up. If you were still angry at either of them, you wouldn't be looking like a drowned rat now." Isabela brushed a damp strand of hair from Merrill's chilled face.
"The first step is to accept that you did something that was very wrong. I think you already took that step. The next step is to understand why you did it. Then the next step will be..." Isabela narrowed her gaze and looked into the distance "Coming to terms with yourself. Here you either forgive yourself and rise above it, taking time to make amends, or you sort out for yourself that there are no amends to make. But that's up to you, isn't it? I think I know you well enough to understand what you will try to do."
Isabela's hold on her hand tightened, like a vise. "What you should not do is to take the easy way out. Don't be a coward. Stand up for what you've done. Give yourself time. It might take years. Don't run like you did." Her words had heat, conviction, and yet, she looked so scared.
"Will you be here for me, Isabela? I can't stand being on my own. If only I had told you about how I felt, you would have stopped me from pursuing revenge. Or you would have tripped Fenris for me to make me laugh." Merrill had a fresh wave of tears coming on. "You wouldn't have let me break Hawke like I did. I will never forget the way she looked at me when she understood that it was all my doing."
Isabela lightly kissed Merrill's forehead. "I'm here for you. I'll be here. At least for now. I cannot promise you that I will stay in Kirkwall forever, but as long as I am here, I will always be there for you. And when I am not, Varric will take care of you. But that's nothing to worry about right now. I'll get you back up on your feet. If you ever want to sail with me, I'll have to teach you how to swim."
She winked at Merrill cockily, and told the elf tales from her days at sea, the kind of tall tale only Isabela or Varric were able to pull off.
It put Merrill at ease, it made her feel as if maybe one fine day, she would ease her way back into normality, instead of this unceasing existence full of guilt and remorse.
Merrill started keeping a diary of sorts. It started out as a description of how Merrill saw herself and then comparing it to how she really acted.
Wants to be: kind, caring. Wise, scholarly. Reliable. Trustworthy.
Currently is: cruel, vengeful. Foolish. Driven to the point of obsession. Selfish. Untrustworthy.
Instead of spending her time working on the eluvian, she wrote her diary, picking a trait every week, and focusing on it. She wanted to be kind, and so she spent a week being kind to strangers, and to her friends. She tried to cook a stew for Isabela and Varric. It wasn't half bad. Her friends ate it with relish. She made a chain of flowers for the ever stern Aveline and presented her with it in her office in the Viscount's Keep. She put it on, and when guardsman Donnic complimented her on it, Aveline blushed deeply, filling Merrill's heart with warmth.
The next time Merrill got lost in Darktown, she picked up a malnourished kitten she found in an alley and brought it to Anders. He seemed to find some peace from it, at least the real Anders, not the spirit inside of him. She even went to the Chantry to visit Sebastian, and humored him by humming along to the Chant of Light. He seemed convinced she would be converting to the Maker's faith any day now.
Fenris and Hawke she dared not approach. Sometimes she snuck into Hightown in the middle of the night, and placed flowers on their doorsteps, before she fled back to Lowtown just as quickly. It was the only gesture she could think of. Maybe later, she would be able to think of something else, but for now that would have to do.
On other days she wrote a history of the Dalish as she knew it. It was far more satisfying than staring at the eluvian for days. Maybe one fine day, the work of Merrill would be found in libraries across Thedas, a reference work on Elvhenan and the Dalish. At least in writing, she could detail the glories of Elvhenan. No one knew how proud she was to be a Dalish, and how much she loved her people. Least of all her own people and Marethari. But she did.
It still hurt, the knowledge and the memories that she had betrayed Hawke the way she had. It had been entirely unnecessary, absolutely uncalled for. Merrill longed for her and missed her, but she got used to being on her own, and finding her peace.
The first couple weeks had been terrible, because the rejection had been so harsh. She did not want to go back to Sundermount with empty hands, admitting defeat, she was still too proud for that. She also did not want to rot and work on the eluvian anymore. Not at this time, while she was still working on herself. The arulin'holm lay wrapped and forgotten under her bed.
Sometimes she felt like a caterpillar, wrapped in a cocoon of hatred and ignorance, breaking her shell to evolve. She shed her skin, and lost all the weight that dragged her down. She shed her skin, and all the scars she had hidden so carefully from all the others began to disappear, one by one, week by week, month by month. One fine day she might be a beautiful butterfly, unblemished, free to fly.
Merrill pressed herself against the side of Hawke Estate. She did not want to hang around the entrance, because she knew Fenris was inside. She was not ready to see him, and without anyone to protect her, she would probably be risking her life. Still, she had to be here.
Varric had been in his cups when she visited him at the Hanged Man, which was an unusual occurrence. It took much to shake him up, but he was pale, and drinking. It had taken her a while to coax the story from him, how they had found Quentin, and all that remained of Leandra Amell.
Was it foolish of her to go seek out Hawke on the day that a crazed blood mage had murdered Hawke's mother? Very likely. Yet, Merrill's heart was aching for Hawke. She had liked Leandra who had always been more than kind to her. No one deserved such a fate as she had received at the hand of a blood mage. Hawke was all alone now, the only family member left alive. She couldn't imagine how it hurt.
Sometimes she wondered if her hate and need for vengeance that had spiralled out of control would have made her use blood magic in the filthy, desperate way that so many mages they had hunted down over the years fell prey to. Merrill liked to think that she would never be like this, but she knew she was fooling herself. Anyone who was weak and desperate could fall victim. She had to be strong and in control of her life. Balanced. Balance was important.
She pressed her face against the cold stone wall when she heard the door slam closed. She peeked around the corner and saw Fenris, leaving. His head was lowered and he was coiled tight like a spring. He had not been inside for a long at all. Merrill swallowed nervously. If his visit went badly, how would hers go?
Courage, Merrill. You can't not try.
It seemed cold inside, and gloomy. Bodahn looked close to tears when he bid her come inside. There was no sign of Hawke, but Aveline was in the foyer. She must have arrived before Fenris did, clad in her full guard-captain's regalia, a stern guard of the staircase. She was now the closest to family that Hawke had left, having been with her longer than anyone else.
"You. Here. Are you sure that's a good idea?" Aveline crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at Merrill more sternly than she had when the guards caught her in the Viscount's garden. She always seemed kind enough when Merrill randomly visited her these days, but not tonight.
The old Merrill would have been defiant and insistent. The new Merrill merely shook her head. "I am sure it's a terrible idea, Aveline, but if I don't express my condolences, I feel I am doing her a disservice. Both her and Leandra. I liked her. I will miss her. My heart is filled with sorrow, for all our loss tonight."
She turned her head, looking at the fireplace. "I don't remember my own mother well. I was a very young child when I was given to the Sabrae to be the Keeper's First. I remember her voice, because she sang to me. I don't remember much else. Maybe...maybe at the next arlathvhen." Merrill shook her head gently.
Aveline nodded her head, and for a moment had a flicker of a sympathetic smile on her lips. "It is kind of you, Merrill. I am here to spare her further pain, and I do not know that her seeing you would spare her pain. You are a blood mage." Merrill's nails painfully dug into the skin of her palms. There was no scab on her palm right now, because she had not used her blood magic much recently, but there were scars. "Furthermore, you are a blood mage who has betrayed her trust and broken her heart."
Merrill's heart sank. She had not known that Hawke had told anyone else. "Of course. I know. I haven't seen her since. I tried to keep my distance. I don't deserve her forgiveness. All I wanted is to express my condolences." She felt like her limbs were made of lead when she turned sideways, as if to leave. "Will you speak to her for me? I don't want her to think that in the face of her suffering I am uncaring. I care."
"I see that, Merrill." Aveline exhaled slowly. "She is not ready to see you, that much I am sure of. But I will let her know." She narrowed the gaze of her sharp, green eyes, so different from Merrill's own. "What made you do it? I never took you for a liar, Merrill. I never took you for someone who would betray and laugh. Have you fooled us all so many years?"
"I fooled only myself, into thinking that the eluvian and my feelings were more important than anyone else's. I was petulant and cruel. I am trying to make amends. I will likely never receive her forgiveness, but I must still try not to be the same kind of person." Merrill piercingly looked at Aveline. "I remember a day that you called me stupid, for trying to recreate old glory instead of living in the current time. I bristled with resentment for you. I was so angry. I felt you all mocked me." She now bowed to Aveline. "Ma serannas, lethallan. You were very right. I see that now."
Aveline looked pained and then nodded her head. "A little late, Merrill. Maybe too late. I...hate seeing Hawke as lonely and distrustful as she is now. You really hurt her. But maybe...keep working at it. I don't mean to fill your head with hope and foolishness, yet maybe you will eventually be able to find your peace, the two of you."
Merrill nodded her head. "I appreciate your kindness, Aveline. You are...like a mountain cat that I once saw, protecting her cubs. You protect your guards, and you protect Hawke. Keep her safe, where I cannot." Her eyes stung. "I will grow further. I look back on my friendship with Hawke, and now know that I have never been happier than having her friendship and love. I shall forever cherish the memory." She pressed her lips together. "I ramble. I am sorry. I should have kept it brief. Give her my regards, in whatever veiled manner as is necessary. Dareth shiral."
Aveline turned towards the stairs when she heard the front door fall shut. She looked upstairs, waiting, with one hand on the banister. She waited patiently, like a watchdog, squinting up into the gloom. Eventually a figure stepped forward, to put both hands on the railing in the upper hallway.
Hawke looked down at Aveline with burning eyes when the guard captain spoke up. "I felt you standing up there for a while. You heard."
"I did."
"And?" Aveline's arched brows touched her headband, curious to hear the response.
"You do not seriously believe I can deal with that, on top of everything else, Aveline. Do you? Because I do not know how." Hawke's hand on the railing were white-knuckled. "Thank you for sending her away."
Aveline sternly nodded, then looked away. "She sounded genuine. Maybe she is changing." The guard captain did not know why she defended the elf so. Maybe because Varric had told her that Merrill had tried drowning herself twice, months ago.
"Maybe she is. I just can't deal with her. Not right now. Maybe not ever. I do appreciate her condolences, it was sincere. Mother was fond of her." Hawke's voice broke. "More sincere than Fenris, who had nothing to give. Sod it all. I am done for tonight. I want to sleep for a week." She sounded broken, truly.
Aveline watched her go and sighed softly, then sat at the foot of the stairs. She would sit and wait, and guard, in silent vigilance.
"She will come back." Everyone was gathered at the Hanged Man, raging about Isabela's flight with the Tome of Koslun. Aveline insisted that Hawke seek out the Arishok with her immediately. War lay in the air, a mere spark needed to cause a raging wildfire. Everyone turned to look at Merrill, even Hawke and Fenris.
Fenris' face was full of contempt, which she justly deserved. Hawke's face was a blank mask. "What makes you say that?"
Merrill held on to the edge of the table, as she carefully spoke her words. "She told me that you should not take the easy way out. That you should never be a coward. That you should stand up for your actions. That you shouldn't run. I refuse to believe that she would. She will return, with the relic. It was not just empty advice that she gave me." She bit her bottom lip. "She knew and she told me she will come back. I know it."
She did not know what she would do if her friend were never to return.