Remus stood in the doorway of Hagrid's hut at a complete loss, picturing the scene over and over in his head, trying to decide whether or not it had actually happened. Had Sirius really just kissed him?

Finally Remus realized that he was in danger of drowning if he stood in the rain any longer, and he walked back up to the castle, still thinking. He wasn't really sure of anything anymore, just the passing stairs and portraits and rooms. When he got back to the common room, he saw that Peter had returned from the dormitory and was sitting with James, who was still staring over at Lily. Sirius was not in the room. Remus went over to his friends and nervously sat in a chair. He felt as though what had happened was written all over his face. James didn't look up as Remus sat down, but Peter glanced up from the letter he was writing.

"Where's Padfoot?" asked Peter. Remus froze. They knew what had happened.

"What? Why?" he said, feeling crazed. "I dunno. How should I know?" Peter gave him a strange look. "I thought since you two went off somewhere, he'd of come back with you."

Remus swallowed, trying to relax. "Er, I dunno." He said again, shrugging tensely. "He just ran off." Peter frowned, but before he could speak Remus jumped up. "Going to go pack up," he muttered tersely, moving towards the dormitory.

As Remus hurried away, James looked up at Peter. "What was that about?"

The rest of the day passed by quickly for Remus. He kept an anxious lookout for Sirius, who didn't turn up, not even for dinner. It wasn't until that late that night, when the three friends were hovering anxiously in their dormitory, wondering where he had got to, that Sirius showed up. He was tired-looking and somewhat haughtily avoided eye contact with them all, ignoring their questions, only mumbling a few sparse words of explanation that they couldn't hear properly. Finally James rolled his eyes and went to his bed after Sirius pulled his curtains closed, still steadily disregarding them. Peter soon followed James's lead, and Remus was left staring at Sirius's bed hangings, hoping that he would open them and come out to speak with Remus about what had happened.

But he didn't. After staring dully at the bed and the wall and the crimson sheets for a while, Remus eventually got into his own bed and tried to fall asleep, convincing himself that Sirius needed time to gather his confused thoughts before talking about what had happened. The kiss replayed itself in his mind over and over again, and it was a long while before his mind shut off and let him fall into a restless and confused sleep.

--

Sirius didn't talk to Remus much the next day either as they all traveled back to London on the Hogwarts Express. He always managed to be busy, chatting with James or teasing Peter or visiting the train loo. When they all finally got to the station and said sorrowful goodbyes and made promises to write to each other, Sirius had only said about three or so words to Remus the entire day, and had only looked over at him twice. He only said a very brisk farewell, not meeting Remus's eyes, before disappearing with his stern-looking family.

And Remus just let him go, watching him leave anxiously. He just needs time, he told himself firmly. Then he'll be ready to talk to me.

Then he stepped forward to meet his parents and to go home. As much as Remus loved Hogwarts, it was always nice to return back home, to visit his mother and father again. It was a happy reunion as always, with his mother fussing over him and hugging him tightly, and his father smiling proudly and squeezing his hand on Remus's shoulder tightly. Then came the long, lovely drive through the English country to their small and modest house.

John Lupin, Remus's father, had been the only son of the reputable pure-blood Lupin family, which spanned back generations of wizards. He had gone to Hogwarts and had then gotten a respectable job as a banker at Gringott's, as he excelled in arithmancy. John was the pride and joy of his parents.. but then he had fallen in love with a muggle. His parent's had begged, pleaded, and tried to use all voices of reason with him, but his mind was made up. He was in love with the beautiful Irish muggle named Mary, and there was nothing they could do. He quit his job and moved out to the English countryside with the love-of-his-life by his side, and they were married after a month. Twelve months later they had Remus, and their life was complete.

The Lupins couldn't be happier. John worked for the ministry, apparating to London each day for work, and Mary worked as an English teacher in the small town near their home. They kept a small, charming garden full of flowers and herbs and vegetables, and they had a large yard and acres of sprawling countryside close by to dream in. They didn't make much money, but they got by, and they had each other.

But when Fenrir Greyback came to their yard one summer evening when young Remus was exploring outside, everything changed. John sunk into a depression, as he blamed himself for the accident; Greyback had come looking for Remus after getting into a fight with John's ministry group. For the first time, Mary questioned being married to a wizard, to having her child grow up as a werewolf, to live in a world where her family could be hurt like this. But Remus, lovely, wonderful Remus, pulled them together. And slowly they remembered what it was like to be happy again, even with the shadow of Remus's curse hanging over them.

Remus adored his parents, and he was very close to them. Perhaps it came from being an only child, or maybe it was from not having very many friends when he was young, and most likely it was because of his shared burden, but he loved his parents dearly even as a teenager and shared nearly every part of his life with them. He cherished the simple country home that they had, helping his mother weed out the garden and his father chop wood, and when he wasn't at Hogwarts, this was his favorite place to be. He arrived home in his small, neat room, and gazed around contentedly, forgetting himself for a moment. Remus was home, and he was happy.

However, as the summer wore on, Remus found the simple life he loved complicated with thoughts of Sirius. He would try to keep himself busy during the day, helping his mother and father with chores or going into town to do errands or ferreting around outside or occasionally going to see a movie, which was a rare treat, or even taking out his father's old truck and trying to teach himself to drive in the winding, empty roads, despite his mother's fretful disapprovals that he was too young. But when it all came winding down and he found himself in his room, without even homework to check over for the fourth time, he could only think of one person.

Confused, miserable, Remus would sit on his bed and press his hands over his eyes, thinking. He would think of long black hair and twinkling grey eyes, of a roguish grin and a barking laugh, and of a kiss.

He tried to talk himself out of it. Surely it was one thing, he would tell himself angrily, to be a werewolf. It was quite another to be a gay werewolf. Wasn't it already hard enough to fit in? He would walk into the quiet town and watch the muggle girls pass by, and he would try to get himself to fancy one of no matter how lovely they smelled and looked and giggled, Remus couldn't feel anything towards them, except perhaps a vague fondness. For as long as he could remember, Remus had always liked looking at boys. He usually convinced himself it was more of a comparison than anything else - he was only looking at the boys to compare how he looked to them. To compare eyes and hair and noses. Boys didn't think other boys were fit - it just wasn't right. But everything had changed when Sirius had kissed him, and now Remus had a whole frightening new world to look at.

Suppose, then, he would tell himself, that he was gay. Closing his eyes, Remus would lie back on his bed and think about Sirius Black. Remus hadn't gotten any letters from him during the summer. He had gotten a few from Peter and James, but nothing from Sirius. And Remus couldn't bring himself to write a letter to his friend. But he tried to explain away the lack of contact with fear. Sirius is just as confused as I am, he would reason. We both need to figure things out on our own. When school starts again we'll be able to talk about it properly without messing about with letters.

But Remus thought he knew, already, how he felt. Remus knew that he had always been attracted to the handsome, brilliant Sirius Black, and he knew that he had only properly started to admit to it to himself after Sirius kissed him. But he didn't know how Sirius felt back, which scared him. Sirius had started the kiss, hadn't he? So he obviously felt something, right?

When Remus drove himself crazy from all of the questions, he would slip downstairs and gather up his mum's poetry books. He had inherited her love of prose and verse, and when he wasn't devouring a muggle novel, he would lose himself in muggle poetry. He loved the simplicity and beauty of a poem, the way it would make him look at something with new eyes. His favorite authors were among William Yeats and John Keats and Robert Frost and E. E. Cummings, but his absolute passion was for Emily Dickinson.

A soft sea washing around the house,
A sea of summer air,
And rose and fell the magic planks
That sailed without a care

For captain was the butterfly,
And helmsman was the bee,
And an entire universe
For the delighted crew

He would sit and read Emily Dickinson for hours, forgetting his trouble in the soft, vivid pictures that she would create about nature and summer and love and the country. He would read Emily Dickinson, and for a while he could believe that all would be well.

--

At long last, the lazy summer days drew to a close and Remus received his Hogwarts letter, along with a Prefect badge, much to his parents' pride. The days leading up to his return to school as a fifth year were a blur, and before he knew it he was back at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, cheerfully greeting the other students while anxiously awaiting a specific face. Finally he saw Sirius, who was emphatically waving his hands while simultaneously shouting something at James. Remus let out a smirk at his friend's antics, and then said goodbye to his parents before nervously making his way over to James and Sirius.

"And then, get this, Prongs, she bloody tells me to leave! I mean, honestly-" Sirius was telling James a story, but he stopped when he saw Remus. He cleared his throat, and Remus let out an uncertain smile.

"Had a good summer, yeah?" Remus said to the two of them, his heart beating quickly. He found he couldn't look at Sirius, so he looked at James instead. James grinned and leaned forward to clap his hand on Remus's back.

"An excellent one! Sirius lasted a week before he ran away from his mum and came to spend the rest of the time with us. What about you, then? Was it alright, Moony?" James paused, suddenly wondering if he ought to have invited Remus to stay with him. But Remus just smiled. "It was brilliant to be back home. But I'm glad we're back at school!"

Sirius scowled. "Only you would be glad to be back where the homework is."

"And the O.W.L.s! Don't forget we have the lovely, wonderful O.W.L.s at the end of the year, Padfoot." Sirius let out another groan and then half-heartedly punched Remus on the shoulder. He was being very careful, Remus noticed, but he was talking to him. Feeling slightly optimistic, he led the way onto the train after they found Peter, and they all spent a pleasant time catching up with each other. They gave him hell for being a prefect, teasing him relentlessly when he had to leave their compartment to patrol the train. But he didn't mind. James and Peter were exactly the same, with the former determined that this was the year for him and Evans, and the latter hopeful that they would finally be able to achieve being animagus. Sirius, despite the fact that he was making pointless chatter with Remus instead of ignoring him, still seemed distant and a little uncomfortable around Remus. And Remus had decided that he was going to talk to his friend as soon as he could, because they both had a lot to figure out.

--

Life quickly resumed a comfortable pace for them at Hogwarts. The classes were harder and more exciting than ever (at least Remus thought so), and the pranks were better and bigger than before (for James and Sirius) and everything was lovely (or so Peter believed). James was kept busy on the Qudditch team, but they always found time to practice their animagus spells on Saturday nights, and then finally, finally, in the middle of November, they were successful.

James was the first one to accomplish it. One night there was a loud bang, and suddenly a huge stag was stomping around the room. They all hurried towards him, Remus dropping the book he had been reading, and watched as he transformed back to human. There were loud shouts and cheers and hurrahs, and James successfully transformed three times in a row to prove that he could do it.

Sirius was next, not wanting to be outdone by James, and finally even Peter accomplished it, successfully turning into a rat. And then, suddenly, there was a great world of opportunity open to them. They would spend hours planning out great adventures, deciding where they would go and what places they would explore, and then at the night of the full moon they would run around the grounds and get into mischief.

He had never been happier, Remus, and suddenly full moons were something to look forward to, something to enjoy. There were lots of close scrapes, but they laughed about them afterwards. And Remus always pushed away his better judgment, thinking that something so that was so wonderful and that made him happy couldn't be wrong, could it?

But despite the wonderful classes and adventures, was nearly miserable. He still hadn't been able to talk to Sirius, who avoided being alone with him religiously. Sure, Sirius would talk and joke with Remus - but only when James and Peter were there. Whenever Remus tried to corner Black and talk to him, he always had something to do or somewhere to be and managed to escape him, not meeting Remus's eyes.

So Remus had spent two months trying talk to Sirius about the kiss, and had still not managed to. The werewolf was beginning to feel very anxious and confused again, despite the half-conclusions he had drawn over the summer. Finally, one Friday when James was out late at a Qudditch practice, despite the freezing November rain that was falling, and Peter had disappeared to the Hospital Wing, complaining of a stomach ache from too many sweets, Remus went up to Sirius, who was sitting in the crowded common room pretending to do homework.

"Padfoot," Remus said, sitting down next to him. Sirius glanced at him quickly and then drew his gaze into the fire, which was crackling pleasantly. Remus swallowed. "Sirius, can I talk to you?"

Sirius lifted an eyebrow in a nonchalant sort of way, but didn't meet his gaze. "You are talking to me, you bollock."

"No, you prat. I mean talk, properly talk." Sirius's shoulders tensed slightly, but his expression didn't change.

"Moony, I dunno if that's such a good idea.. and I have tons of homework." Sirius whinged.

"Since when do you care about homework? I really need to talk to you, Padfoot. Please." Remus tried not to let a desperate note creep into his voice, but he was close to losing it. Finally Sirius put down his parchment.

"Right, then. What's up?"

Remus looked about at the busy common room and shook his head. "Not here. Somewhere quieter." Without people.

Sirius looked ready to protest again, but Remus didn't let him. He stood up and grabbed his friend's hand, shivering slightly at its warmth, and pulled him towards the common room's exit. "C'mon, Padfoot."

Giving in resignedly, Sirius got up and followed Remus out of the Gryffindor tower, quietly pulling his hand out of Remus's grasp. They walked silently for a while, Remus fidgeting nervously, before Sirius stopped unannounced at an empty corridor. It was late, close to their curfew, but for once Remus didn't care. He glanced out of a window and watched the rain for a minute, wishing that snow was falling instead; he loved the promise of snow and much preferred it to rainfall.

Then he realized that Sirius was waiting for him to say something, so he looked up at him. Sirius looked uncomfortable, as if he knew what was coming and thought it unpleasant.

"Sirius.." Remus's voice came out embarrassingly low, and he cleared his throat before starting again. "Sirius. I wanted.. to talk about last year. About that day before summer holiday. When you, er, kissed me."

Sirius's face seemed to harden slightly, and he looked suddenly much harsher and aristocratic and closed off. He looked like a Black, a cruel, pure-blooded Black. But he didn't say anything. Remus remembered the innocent, exposed look that Sirius had worn that rainy day last June, and marveled at how different it was to this Sirius. When the black-haired boy didn't say anything, Remus tripped on uncertainly.

"And I w-wanted to, well, I wondered.. why did you kiss me?"

Something seemed to snap on in Sirius's eyes, and he finally turned to look at Remus with his harsh eyes that looked more black than grey for once.

"It was just for fun," he said roughly. "I was bored, and I'd never kissed a bloke before. It didn't mean anything, Lupin."

Remus felt himself wilting, almost, becoming a part of the wall that he was leaning against. Sirius had been bored? That was it? Pain welled up inside of him, and for a moment he felt like he couldn't breathe. How could he have been so stupid?

"Oh," Remus heard himself breathe out. "Of course."

And then it hit him, hard, Sirius didn't want him, had never wanted him. It had all meant nothing. Remus dropped his gaze, trying not to cry. He would not let himself cry. It had all been a stupid misunderstanding, and it didn't matter. Sirius didn't matter.

Something like fear and worry flashed across Sirius's face, but then it was gone, the emotionless façade there in its place. He took a step back, aware of the pain he was causing Remus, and almost leaned into him. He almost whispered an apology to take back the words and almost ran forward to hug Remus and hold him tight. But instead he turned around and ran again. He ran because it was easier and safer.

Remus didn't look up as Sirius left again. It's your own bloody fault, Lupin. He told himself savagely. You don't fancy your best mate. That's not something you do. But the tears fell, and he couldn't stop them. He sat down and cried for Sirius and felt mortified. Not only was he crying - bloody crying! - but he had also probably just ruined the best friendship that he had ever had. But a great big empty hole had been carved into his chest, a mark that Sirius Black had left and one that was rimmed with hurt and loss and confusion. So Remus cried, and through his lonely tears a poem by Robert Frost came into his head, unbidden,

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.