It was mid-December, it was still raining, and Remus had been dating Hannah-Anderson-the-Ravenclaw for nearly a month now, and Sirius hated her. She was too quiet, for one thing; how could Remus find anything at all to talk about with her? And she giggled too much, an annoying laugh that grated on Sirius's nerves. Besides, Remus wasn't happy with her, Sirius could tell. Sure, he might walk around all smiley and talkative when he was with her, which seemed to be all the time, but when he wasn't around her, Remus seemed to wither a little bit. The last transformation had been hard on him, too, and Remus seemed so tired, so old, like he had a huge weight on his shoulders all the time.
And Sirius knew that Remus wasn't sleeping very well anymore. In the middle of the bloody night Remus would get up and slip out of the dormitory, staying up well into the nighttime Merlin knows where, and then slipping back into his bed right before dawn, getting only a few hours of sleep. The circles under his eyes were getting ridiculous.
Sirius had no idea why his friend was so unhappy. Well, he did know why - but he chose to push that reason out of his mind, pretend it wasn't there, and instead blame Hannah. Stupid, blonde, Hannah.
Without really knowing why, or at least pretending not to know why, Sirius grew extremely bad-tempered with each passing day, with each time he saw Remus and Hannah laughing together. He began to curse at first-years, get in fist fights and duels with James, make fun of Peter more than usual, and yell at teachers when they gave him too much homework. Everyone started to avoid him, and even James wasn't too keen to spend much time with him anymore (although, really, James enjoyed the fighting because he always beat Sirius) which only added to Sirius's irritability. No one knew why he had been in such a black mood for over a month, and no one bothered to ask him why.
One night, early in the evening in the second week of December, it was raining worse than usual; the entire sky had turned dark, the stars hidden by rainclouds. Sirius was sitting in the common room, picking at the stitching of the chair he was in. He had walked into the library earlier, actually meaning to finish the insane amounts of homework that had piled up, and had nearly crashed straight into Remus and - who else - Hannah, laughing. If that weren't bad enough, James and Peter were sitting at the table too, laughing along with all the rest. Traitors, he had thought darkly. Now he was sitting up here, alone, with only a few obnoxious first-years around him to keep him company. And even they were having a good time, laughing about stupid first-year things.
Sirius wasn't like this. Sirius Black didn't sit around by himself moping, he told himself. So why the bloody hell was he doing so now? He blamed Hannah again.
"Black, what's the matter with you?" A soft voice shook him out of his self-pity. He looked up and saw Lily Evans gazing at him with concern.
Lily wasn't really interfering by nature. She didn't believe that it was her place to fix everyone's problems. However, she did believe that it was wrong to not try and help one of her friends - and for some strange reason, she had begun to think of the Marauders as her friends. Sure, she hated James with a cheerful passion, but he probably meant well, although she had her doubts. Remus, of course, was lovely, and even the arrogant Sirius Black had been known to be kind now and then.
But that wasn't why she was talking to Sirius.
After she had gotten Hannah and Remus to go out, she had hoped that Remus would cheer up. That had been the entire reason for her meddling, after all. And at first she had thought that it was working: Remus seemed much happier when he was with Hannah. But then she began to notice that there was a slight strain to his laugh, and that the circles under his eyes only got deeper, not smaller. Clearly, Remus wasn't any happier than when she had seen him that night sneaking out of the common room. And now Lily was unsure of why Remus had been unhappy in the first place, which led her to believe that she was missing most of the story.
That was why she started to pay close attention when she noticed how irritable Sirius had become too, how his face would clench when he saw the couple together, and she started wondering if Sirius had something to do with it, if he was part of the story. Lily wanted to know what was going on, because yes, she was curious, but more than that she wanted to help Remus and even Sirius if it came to that. That was why she was talking to Sirius.
"Why do you care, Evans?" Sirius said irritably, turning away from her intense green eyes. Lily sat down next to him.
"I care because you've been mooning about for the past few weeks, yelling at everyone in your path, and no one's bothered to say anything to you." She said crisply. Sirius's gut clenched at her choice of words.
"I haven't been mooning," he muttered mutinously.
"You and Remus both," she sighed, almost to herself. Sirius narrowed his eyes in surprise - maybe he wasn't the only one who had noticed Remus's despondency. Then Lily spoke his name. "Sirius," she said, and her use of his name for the first time possibly ever made him bring his chin up to meet her eyes. There was something warm and open about them, something that made Sirius feel like he could trust her. They reminded him of Remus's eyes, eyes he hadn't been able to meet for over a month. More than that, though, just the care and worry that he saw in them, something that no one had showed towards him since he had been at Mrs. Potter's house over the summer, touched him almost as much as it surprised him. Abruptly he found himself opening up to her a little.
"It's that bloody Hannah," Sirius said angrily, eyes flashing as words started to pour out of his mouth. "She's all Remus spends time with anymore, but I know he's not happy with her - and don't look at me like that, I know you agree with me - and he never hangs out with his mates anymore. Or at least some of them." Lily pursed her lips.
"Well," she began slowly, treading cautiously. "I do know that he's not happy, although I don't know why, but it sounds to me like.. like you're jealous, Sirius." Sirius stared at her for a moment.
"Jealous?" he roared incredulously, making the first years jump nervously. He glanced over at them and then lowered his voice a little. "Why the hell would I be jealous, Evans?" Sirius's eyes were narrowed into stormy grey slits. Lily personally thought that his defensiveness was only proving her argument, but she decided not to point this out.
This gave her pause, though. Why would Sirius be jealous? James and Peter had obviously gotten past Remus spending lots of time with Hannah; in fact, she happened to know they were all in the library together right now. She herself had spent time, both with Hannah alone and with the couple together, and felt perfectly fine with it. Her eyes widened slightly as a new idea came to her. No.. it wasn't possible. Could Sirius be jealous of Hannah, not just the time she spent with him? Her mouth fell open.
"Oh, my God," she said, using a muggle expression, and Sirius eyed her warily. "Sirius, are you in love with Remus?" If he was, she thought, it would certainly explain his recent bad temper. But still, she felt as though a piece of the puzzle was still missing. What would that have to do with Remus's unhappiness?
Sirius stared at her in horror, his mouth dropping open too. "What? No! Are you mad?" he spluttered. But it was too late. God, she was quick. All of the things that he had been denying and that he had stuck in the back of his mind and had been trying not to think about suddenly came loose. Sirius sank into his chair. "Of course I'm not. I'm not a sodding poof." But this renouncement was weaker than the last. "I can't be."
Lily put a hand to her mouth. This definitely wasn't what she had been expecting. "Sirius, it's okay," she said lamely. "You.. you should tell Remus." Then she paused - last time she had given relationship advice, happiness hadn't exactly been reached. But Sirius was already shaking his head.
"It's not that easy," he said roughly, at the moment giving up on denying the obvious. And then, both reluctantly and with relief, he told her everything that had happened between them.
When he got to the part where he had told Remus that he had only kissed him because he had been bored, Lily's mouth fell open again. Then she smacked him on the shoulder sharply, ignoring Sirius's cry of pain.
"You arse! You stupid, cowardly arse! How could you say that?" she whispered fiercely. No wonder poor Remus had been so miserable lately - clearly he had been unhappy enough to try and go out with a girl, which was why he had asked Hannah out. It all made sense now - why Remus was still unhappy, and why Hannah would always grow quiet whenever Lily would ask about the snogging.
Sirius looked up at Lily, hurt. "I'm not a coward, Ev - Lily," he protested. She stared him down. "Oh, no?" she snorted. "Then explain why you would run away from boy you were in love with after he confronted you about kissing him!" she was becoming slightly incoherent with her sentence grammar, but Sirius was knew what she was getting at. "Why the hell would you tell him a lie like that? Didn't you see how much you hurt him? And it's not like you got anything out of it either, Black."
Moving uncomfortably in his seat, Sirius tried to think of a reason. Why had he done it? Well, okay, maybe he had been afraid, but there was no way he was going to tell Lily that. "I told you," he said hotly. "I'm not gay."
Lily's anger seemed to vanish. "Oh, Sirius." She said softly, a little sadly. "If you're not gay, than why are you so unhappy right now? Why are you so jealous of Hannah? Why did you kiss him in the first place?" when she saw his mouth open to respond, she interrupted him. "Don't give me that rubbish about being bored, we both know that isn't true. Sirius, you being gay doesn't change anything about you."
Sirius slumped forward in his chair. "I'm a Black, Lily. I can't be gay." He was whispering now, almost inaudibly. Lily leaned forward and hugged him tightly, hardly able to believe that she was actually hugging the insufferable Sirius Black and how much had changed in one night, and whispered back at him, "It's okay, Sirius. It's okay."
Just letting out a long sigh, Sirius hugged Lily back and then pulled away. "I s'pose," he said doubtfully. Suddenly he felt embarrassed. The redhead seemed to sense this and she stood up.
"I still think you should talk to Remus, Sirius. Just tell him everything. I think he'll understand."
Still looking hesitant, Sirius nodded slightly. "Maybe."
Lily smiled. "Good luck, Black." Sirius returned the grin, and the same old arrogant Black smile was back.
"Like I need luck, Evans," he scoffed. But then his smile gentled a little. "Thanks, though, Lily."
"Anytime, Sirius." She said sincerely. "I hope it all works out for you."
"Me too," he sighed as she walked away. "Me too." But then he rubbed his hands together, stifling a pang of fear in his stomach. He had some planning to do.
--
By now it was habit for Remus to check the window when he woke up to see if it was still raining or not. Today was no exception - it was still raining. But as he peered sleepily out of the glass, he saw that the rain, while coming down heavily, seemed more solid than usual. Perhaps snow was finally coming. Cheered slightly by this thought, Remus slipped out of bed wondering if today could possibly be a good day. He had, like all the other nights, stayed out late last night, but by now he was getting used to running on little sleep. Still, despite his growing accustomed to the night exploring, the fact that he couldn't get to sleep even now depressed him. Things with Hannah had barely improved at all for him; he still loved to spend time with her, but whenever she wanted to snog.. well, it was getting worse. And he had started to stay out later and later.
When he got to the Great Hall for breakfast, he scanned the Ravenclaw table for Hannah, but he didn't see her. Frowning slightly, he went instead to his own table. Was she okay? Usually they met up to eat together, as Remus had been trying to stay away from his own table - and Sirius - as much as possible.
It had been a while since he had eaten at the Gryffindor table, and he sat down next to Peter. Sirius was sitting across from them, eating an apple, but James hadn't shown up yet - he was probably late.
It was the Friday before Christmas holiday, and everyone was edgy - personally, Remus thought it would be a miracle of James showed up for classes at all. This year's break was longer than usual, and it started on this Sunday, only the third Sunday of December. Just then, Sirius spoke, jolting Remus out of his thoughts.
"No Hannah today, eh? That's a shame." There was a sort of knowing gleam in Sirius's eyes, but Remus didn't pick up on that - he was too surprised that his friend had talked to him at all. Methodically buttering a slice of toast, Remus just made a noncommittal sound and Sirius turned away.
The rest of the day passed by murderously slow, and then suddenly it was the start of break. Everyone's spirits lifted considerably, and there was much shouting and yelling in the common room. Remus, however, didn't feel like sharing in on the festivities.
He was growing a little worried. Remus hadn't seen Hannah at all during the day, which was very unusual. Typically they met up at least a few times in the hallways or at meals. Finally he had to leave the common room, starting to feel annoyed by the noise and growing uncomfortable under Sirius's gaze - he had been staring at him for the past few minutes, which baffled Remus. It was getting later, close to curfew, but for Remus it was pretty early. He wandered in random directions, not going anywhere specific but unconsciously on the lookout for Hannah.
Suddenly he saw her, going up the staircase that led to the Ravenclaw common room. He caught her eye, but when she saw him she narrowed her eyes and turned to keep walking up the staircase. Remus stopped. Had he done something to anger her? He felt an inexplicable rush of guilt; maybe he hadn't done anything, but she had finally grown tired of his obvious lack of attraction towards her.
He ran up the stairs and quickly caught up to her in a hallway. He put a hand on her shoulder, and she whipped around to stare at him, an accusation in her eyes.
"I know," she said very calmly. Remus stared at her, eyebrows tightened. What was she talking about?
"I can't believe you, Remus." Still speaking evenly. "I sincerely thought you were a good person." Remus opened his mouth, but she rushed forward, speaking quickly now, losing some of her cool. "How could you do this to me?" a small sob worked its way out of her throat, and she turned away from him.
He stepped around her and put a hand to her shoulder again, but she shoved it away.
"What did I do?" he felt stupid and childish, asking that question, but he didn't have a clue what she was talking about. Hannah's eyes flashed, and she stepped forward angrily.
"You know exactly what you did, Remus Lupin." His questioning look was the only answer he could give. She let out another sob. "Are you going to try and pretend that you don't know? That you didn't cheat on me with Luciana Pewter?"
She lost it, and tears started sliding down her cheeks. Remus stood, frozen, as she backed away from him.
"Cheat.. on you? I didn't.. why do you think.. who told you that?" his mind was whirling and he could barely think, let alone talk, straight. Why the hell would she think that he had cheated on her?
Hannah had turned around and was walking away from him quickly, but she tossed the words over her shoulder as she ran. "Sirius Black told me. Stay away from me, Remus. I don't want to have to see you ever again."
If possible, Remus felt even more floored. Sirius. Sirius had lied to Hannah about him cheating on her. But why would he tell her a story like that?
A dull anger thudded through Remus, and he clenched his fists together. Sirius had gone too far this time, and even if Remus was slightly relived that the whole Hannah fiasco was over, he had never wanted her to be hurt like this. Finding that he could walk again, he did so quickly with a purpose. With measured steps he walked back to the Gryffindor common room, through the portrait, and up to where James and Peter were sitting by the fire. They cheered rowdily when he walked in, clearly still celebrating the end of term. Remus ignored their yells and looked around the room, only coming towards them when he didn't see the face he was looking for.
"Where's Sirius?" the anger was making its way out now, but Remus managed to keep his voice quiet. James frowned, clearly wondering what the matter was.
"Dunno, Moony, Padfoot left after you did. Didn't say where he was going. Why-"
But Remus was off again, back through the portrait hall. Sirius couldn't run. Not this time. When he reached the hallway, though, he wasn't sure where to go. Sirius could be anywhere, and Remus didn't want to search the entire castle.
Suddenly he had an idea. Pulling out a piece of parchment, Remus tapped it with his wand and muttered a quick spell. A very rough map of Hogwarts appeared, and Remus tapped it again and said, "Sirius Black." An inky dot appeared on a part of the map, and Remus nodded and wiped the map clean.
The map was an invention of his, something that he had been working on during the nights that he was exploring. James had given him the idea, really, one day when he had mentioned that they should make a map of Hogwarts - after all, who knew it better than they did? They were the ones who had begun to investigate it thoroughly during the full moons. So Remus had started to create a map while wandering the school at night, and he had added a useful charm to find people's locations onto it. The map wasn't complete yet, and he was sure his friend's would have some good ideas for it too when he showed it to them, but that wasn't on his mind as he stuffed it into his pocket.
Sirius was in the deserted Astronomy tower when Remus found him. He was staring up at the clouded night sky, and he didn't notice when Remus walked in. As always, Remus's heart gave a little beat when he saw the black-haired boy, but his anger at Sirius quickly pushed away any fluttering.
"Sirius." He growled. Sirius didn't turn around. "Sirius!" Remus said again, louder, more angrily. "Goddamn it, Sirius!"
At this, Sirius turned. Looking up at Remus, he didn't know what to say.
"Why the hell did you go and tell Hannah that I cheated on her? Why, Sirius? I can't fathom any good reason except that you bloody want to make my life miserable! She won't even talk to me anymore!"
What Sirius wanted to say was that he had done it because he was in love with Remus, but he didn't. He couldn't do that. That had been his intention, but now, standing here with a furious Remus, he felt all of his bravery leaving him. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.
"I.." Sirius stopped and took a steadying breath. "I don't want to make your life miserable, Remus."
Remus stopped and stared incredulously at his friend. He suddenly felt less angry and much, much more tired. He looked past Sirius for a moment, and saw with a feeling of shock that snow was finally falling. The rain had gone. Marveling for a moment at the snow that was falling softly outside, Remus remembered how much he loved snow. It was so beautiful and simple, like a poem. Robert Frost's famous verse Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening floated into Remus's head, and for a moment he forgot himself and his anger and Sirius and recited the words in his mind:
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
Then he realized that Sirius was still standing there, and his weariness came back.
"Then what, Sirius?" he asked softly, with a sigh, tired of it all. "What do you want?"
Sirius looked into Remus's worn out, beautiful face, and thought of Lily. Maybe she was right. Wasn't that why he had done this entire thing, after all? None of Sirius's bravery had stuck around, but perhaps he would have to do this without his courage.
"I want you to forgive me for the stupid lie I told you, Moony." A pause. "I.. didn't kiss you because I was bored. I kissed you because I wanted to." And because you looked so bloody handsome in the rain that day.
Remus froze for the second time that day. He looked up at Sirius and tried to comprehend what he was saying. "You.. what?"
"I know that I was a complete arse towards you, and I'm sorry. I dunno why I said what I did. I.. Believe me, Moony, I never meant to hurt you, even though I know I did. I know I made you go through hell these past few weeks, and I'm sorry." I was afraid.
Remus's heart was beating rapidly, but he couldn't breathe very well. There was no way that this was actually happening, was there?
"And I'll understand if you can't forgive me, Remus, and I'll leave. I swear. I'll never bother you again."
A very long moment passed as Remus tried to process what was going on. He still couldn't think of anything to say.
Sirius looked at Remus and faltered. Would Remus forgive him? Another few seconds passed, and a look of fear crept onto Sirius's face, taking the place of the sincere emotions that had been there. There was still silence. Sirius felt panic completely take over - Remus was going to say no, he was going to say that he hated him - and he took a step forward, intending to rush forward past Remus and run again, run away and leave everything behind him.
Remus caught Sirius's arm with one hand and stopped him. A soft smile played on Remus's lips.
"You stupid dog," he said affectionately, with no real malice in his voice.
And then he leaned forward and kissed Sirius, who kissed him back, while the snow fell in beautiful patterns all around them.