Sirius Black was staring down at the parchment in front of him, his mouth curving into an irrepressible smile. He reread the letter again, for the fifth time, and then turned anxiously back to his own sheet of parchment, which remained frustratingly blank. He scowled slightly, stretching his arms forward over the desk, and then let out an annoyed sigh. No matter how hard he tried, the words just wouldn't come to him; he had yet to be able to copy Remus's perfect demeanor, and all of the letters he wrote seemed insincere to his own ears. Giving up on writing his own letter for the moment and glancing instead to Remus's letter beside him, his scowl eased into a shy grin as he revisited the note for the sixth time.

He and Remus had been corresponding relentlessly for the past few weeks while the winter holiday dragged on. For the first time in as long as he could remember, Sirius actually wished that he was on holiday somewhere else than at the Potter's house – say, with Remus.

But then he frowned again, because there was a part of him the cringed at that thought, which rebelled at the happiness that had filled up his heart. There was a part of him that was ashamed of being.. of feeling.. well, of being a poof, a bleeding poof. It was a small part, much smaller than it had used to be, and it grew even quieter and quieter the more he got used to the idea. In fact, most of the time the idea of being gay, and especially being gay with Remus, bloody wonderful Remus, was quite lovely.

And it scared him that he could get used to the idea of being a bender, almost as much as it excited him. Remus.. well, Remus was worth it all, wasn't he?

So why was he still having such a problem with getting used to the idea? Sirius let out a long, overdramatic sigh and put his head down on the desk, squinting at the letter again. The problem was when he forgot about Remus, forgot about how amazing Lupin was. When all he remembered instead was how his father used to make fun of "those ruddy fags" in the newspaper, when he thought about how James might react upon finding out, when he thought about the names people at school would call him.

But it wasn't as if this was a new idea to him, after all, a small voice in his head said. He'd never been interested in girls. Sirius couldn't remember even one time when he'd thought about liking a girl. Boys had always been better – better to talk with, better to fight with and to be around. Better to snog, as he'd found out in fourth year, and then again a few weeks ago. Not that he had anything to compare it to, but honestly, the idea of snogging a girl just didn't appeal to him. They were too.. nice smelling. And too clean, and too well put together. They seemed too untouchable, and far too giggly.

Boys, on the other hand.. and one boy in particular..

Sirius let out another smile, this one accompanied by a light blush out of slight mortification. Sirius had never really let himself think about these things, preferring to shut them out and lock them away in his mind, but somehow Remus was gently freeing his mind, letting him accept the things he had always preferred to hide.

Well, fine, say he was gay. Which he clearly was; at this point, he couldn't even really hide it from himself. But even if he had accepted it, what about everyone else? What would people say when supposed womanizer Sirius Black turned out to be gay? And his parents – they would never let him live it down. A Black, gay? They'd try to curse it out of him.

Thinking of his parents made Sirius flinch and close his eyes. Forget him, what would they do to Remus when they found out that he was the boy who had seduced him? At least they didn't know that Remus was a werewolf. Fear for Remus lashed through Sirius, leaving him cold and afraid. Maybe it was safer for Remus if they weren't together. But no, wasn't that being cowardly, again? Not if it was for Remus's sake, though, he reasoned. He'd do anything to make sure Remus was safe.

But if he wasn't seeing Remus, he didn't think he could deal with being gay. Remus was what made it all worth it, and if he didn't have him..

Damn it all, why did his parents have to ruin everything?

He'd just have to not let them find out. And even if they did, he'd keep Remus away from them. He'd protect Remus. He had to.

It was all too much. Sirius lifted his head up and stared out of the window in the guest room of the Potter's house, taking in the loveliness of the snow. All of these thoughts, these problems that kept circling around his head – these were the things that had stopped him from letting himself love Remus in the very beginning, the things that had caused him to run away after their first kiss and to reject Remus that first time. Because as much as Sirius selfishly wanted Remus to himself, he couldn't help but wonder if he would be bad for Remus, if he would corrupt him or cause him to get hurt.

Black's poisoned everything they touched, after all. It's what they did best.

A loud bang on the door startled Sirius out of his dark thoughts, and suddenly James burst through the room, grinning from ear to ear. "C'mon, then, Padfoot!" he roared. "You've been locked up in your room all day! What've you been doing, anyways? Writing your girlfriend?"

Sirius reddened a little, because James's accusation hit a little too close to home – just not in the way James thought.

"Jealous, Prongs? Sorry mate, but Evans just doesn't love you."

James scowled at his friend and snatched up the letter before Sirius could stop him. There was hardly anything written on it, and there was nothing revealing about it at all, but Sirius's heart still began to thump nervously in his chest as James examined it.

"It's just to Remus," he managed to say, his throat dry. When James didn't say anything, he continued, "Have you had any letters from him? Or from Peter?"

"Mm, yeah. Remus sent me one at the beginning of the hol, but I never got around to writing him back. Haven't had anything since."

Sirius had a brief flutter of happiness at the thought that Remus only been writing him regularly, and he smiled slightly, which earned him a weird look from James.

"Look, I'm not going to let you hole up here for the rest of the holiday. We've still got another week and a half before we have to go back to studying. C'mon!" James emphatically chucked the letter at Sirius, and then ducked out of the way with a laugh as the latter tackled him.

"I'll teach you to mess with my letters!" he growled, but he was still grinning as he let James distract him out of his brooding thoughts.

Finally, finally, the holiday ended, and for once Sirius was eager to leave the Potter's house and go back to school. He was also incredibly nervous, because he wasn't sure what would happen when he went back. After that night when he and Remus had made up and had kissed again in the snow, they hadn't done much talking. They had both stared at each other a little bashfully before quietly going back to the common room. Before they had both parted their separate ways for break, they had promised to write. And that had been it.

Even their letters had been practically devoid of anything romantic. Only subtle hints, brief allusions – nothing had been brought out into the open. What was going to happen? Would they start seeing each other, like a proper couple? Would Remus expect Sirius to come out, and would he want him to hold his hand in the halls? Sirius's stomach gave an unhappy twist. He wasn't ready for that. He didn't know if he ever would be, even if the idea of being able to hold Remus's hand was awfully distracting. Or would they become secret lovers? Meeting up in the middle of the night to snog? As appealing as the idea was, he wasn't sure if that was quite right, either; he didn't just want to snog Remus, he wanted to have a relationship with him, too. If he was going to be a poof, he might as well do it right. No, neither one seemed quite right. He didn't want a relationship, but he didn't want to just have the physical aspect of it, either.

Or, worse, what if nothing changed and they just went back to ignoring each other? Sirius wouldn't be able to stand it if that happened, wouldn't be able to have what he wanted so close to his grasp only to have it stolen away from him.

Annoyed with himself for fretting like a girl, Sirius shook off his thoughts and busied himself with looking for his friends. After arriving at platform nine and three quarters, James had magically disappeared, probably off to find and bother Lily. And now Sirius was left alone to face Remus, something he wasn't prepared for yet. Just as he was wishing that he could have more time, he caught sight of him.

Remus looked tired, but then, he always looked tired. He was lugging his heavy suitcase behind him, probably filled to the brim with muggle books. Remus was looking for something, or someone, and as Sirius was wondering who that someone was, Remus turned towards him and smiled. A big, happy smile that lit up his tired face and made him look younger, happier. Remus walked towards Sirius, and Sirius's own face lit up with a matching ridiculous grin, but somehow he didn't mind.

"Hi," Remus said.

"Hi," Sirius echoed. As they beamed at each other, all of Sirius's negative thoughts and worries were banished for the moment, whisked away in that smile.

There was a pause, and Sirius said the first thing he could think of. "Here," he said, "let me take your trunk. It looks heavy." He reached a hand forward.

"But you have your own heavy trunk to worry about," Remus started, being annoyingly practical, but Sirius had already picked up Remus's trunk and placed next to his own. They bumped hands in the process, and Sirius blushed slightly at the sudden warmth, reveling in the spark of electricity that passed between them.

"Want to take my trunk, too?" said Peter suddenly, appearing from the crowd, and the two boys jumped, startled out of their own little world. "Mine's even heavier, I bet," he complained.

Sirius reluctantly turned away from Remus and smirked at Peter.

"Stuffed it with sweets, have you, Wormtail?" he said, a little unkindly. Peter reddened, casting his eyes down, and Sirius felt bad. It wasn't Peter's fault that he had interrupted when he had. "But I suppose, then, if I don't carry your trunk you won't give me any, yeah?"

Peter looked up and smiled, allowing himself to be teased. "Yeah, that's right."

With a sigh Sirius turned to the train, and found an empty compartment. He loaded his own suitcase on, and then went back for the other two. As he turned around he realized that Remus had followed him, carrying his own suitcase, and smiling apologetically, Remus placed his own trunk next to Sirius's. Sirius couldn't help but smile back at him, before getting off the train to fetch Peter's suitcase.

The train ride to school passed pleasantly, with the four of them catching up with each other. But Sirius felt as though he hadn't had nearly enough time talking with Remus, because he was always getting up to do his prefect rounds, or because James wouldn't shut up about a particular topic, or any other number of reasons. Still, he reasoned, now that they were back at school they'd have plenty of time to talk, right? Right.

And perhaps they would have, except it always seemed like there was something to interrupt them. All through the feast they didn't have a moment to themselves, and then suddenly all of the Gryffindors were heading up to the common room together, and then the dormitory was full and everyone was in their beds and Sirius still hadn't talked to Remus properly. He was just worrying to himself, wondering when he would have a moment of peace to talk with Remus and sort through everything, when there came a sudden rustling at his bed hangings and Remus poked his head through quietly, with a crooked half smile.

"Fancy a walk with me?"

Sirius had to smile again, just at seeing Remus. He was starting to think that that was all he ever did when he saw Remus – smile. It was sort of a lovely thought.

"When did you get so suave?" said Sirius, not really managing to come up with a properly witty come back, being preoccupied both with beaming at Remus and trying to pull on his robes over his pajamas. Remus just smiled back at him, equally smitten with happiness.

When Sirius had finally gotten himself together, the two of them quietly padded out of the dormitory, careful not to wake the sleeping Peter or James. Then they slipped past the empty common room, and made it outside through the Fat Lady. For a while the boys walked in quiet companionship, just soaking up the other's company. Sirius battled with the desire to steal away Remus's hand, but lacked the courage to do it – what if someone saw, or worse, Remus pulled his hand away? Instead Sirius let out a soft sigh, which caused Remus to look up and give him a searching look. Sirius just raised his eyebrow impressively in response, allowing Remus to leave off his worries with a grin.

Unconsciously they wandered to the Room of Requirement, a place that neither of them had visited since the Marauder's had achieved becoming animagi earlier in the year. Once the door had opened for them, they found a small room where a bustling fire was going, with two toasty arm chairs nearby. They slid into the chairs and then turned to face each other.

There was a silence, and then –

"How was your holiday?"

"Long. I missed the castle, for once, and not even Mrs. Potter's cooking could make up for that. And I missed you, too. The letters were nice, though."

Remus blushed at that, quite appealingly, and Sirius had to smile again.

"Sirius –" began Remus, and suddenly Sirius was afraid, his cowardly side rearing up its ugly head. Although this was what he had wanted, to sit down and properly talk with Remus, and to finally sort everything out, he was abruptly afraid of what the outcome would be. He couldn't say exactly what it was that he was fearful of, but it was choking and all consuming. What if he hurt Remus again? Or what if he tainted him, took away his goodness? Sirius wouldn't be able to live with himself. So instead of allowing Remus to talk, Sirius chose to do what he was best at; he avoided the problem, pushing it away to deal with later.

He leaned forward and captured Remus's lips with his own, and although Remus made a soft sound of surprise, he didn't object. This kiss was not as shy as the first one, but it was still softly innocent. They pulled away after a minute, smiling at each other, before leaning forward again more eagerly as they began to kiss in earnest.

A little later they broke apart again and reluctantly stood up. Remus hesitated, and then leaned forward to capture one last kiss from Sirius.

"It's late," Remus said sadly. Sirius imprisoned Remus's hand, playing with it, and smiled distractedly.

"If you're saying that," Sirius said, "then it must be true."

Ruefully they got up together and left the room, dropping hands once they had reached the hallway. They didn't say much, as Sirius was content with silence and Remus was eager to remain out of trouble, and they made it back to the common room uneventfully. The Fat Lady was extremely unhappy to be woken up, and she threatened to leave them out for the care keeper to find, but eventually she let them in. They paused in the empty common room.

"We didn't get to talk much," noted Remus. Sirius let out a sleepy yawn.

"There's always tomorrow, Moony. And the next day. And the day after that," he said, with a true slacker's attitude, trying to hide the sinking feeling in his stomach and wondering just how long he could put off reality. Remus allowed this and they climbed up the stairs into the dormitories, and back into their separate beds, where Sirius spent a restless night.

As it turned out, Remus and Sirius didn't have a chance to talk the next day, or the day after that, or even the day after that. They had been hit hard with a slew of work, and all of a sudden the professors were intent on getting the fifth years ready for their O.W.L.S. Even James had barely enough time for stalking Lily, what with his Quidditch practice on top of all of the work. So it wasn't surprising that Sirius found plenty of ways to avoid having a one-on-one conversation with Remus.

And whenever they were alone, which tended to happen in the middle of some nights, Sirius found that he could easily distract Remus with his (as Sirius himself judged it) considerable prowess in kissing.

But although the snogging and the smiles and the secret hand holding were wonderful, Sirius still couldn't sleep at night, and he couldn't help but notice that Remus had gone back to his old insomniac habits.

Sirius wanted Remus; he wanted a relationship with Remus. But he was afraid, afraid of what would happen if he got too close to Remus and hurt him, or corrupted him, or was found out by his parents, or by James and Peter –

And so he, in true Sirius fashion, evaded the problem.

He wasn't the only one who had opinions, however, and Remus wasn't the kind to just be content with meaningless kisses. Remus had already had a mental relationship with Hannah, but he wasn't content with just the physical relationship either, even if it was with Sirius. He wanted a true relationship, not just one side of the spectrum.

If Sirius was being honest, that's what he wanted, too. So he had mixed feelings when Remus finally brought it up, a few weeks after they had gotten back from break. They were both sitting in the library, alone during daylight hours for once, when Remus leaned forward and started speaking in a hushed tone.

"Padfoot," he began softly, and Sirius looked up at him, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Don't you think we should.. I dunno, go out on a date, or something?"

Sirius stiffened slightly, and put down the book that he had been pretending to read. "Er," he said, but Remus hurried on. "It's just, we never get to talk, really talk. And we still haven't talked properly about what we're doing. And I'd like.. it'd be nice if we went out."

"We could always talk at night, in the room of requirement," Sirius said nervously.

Remus's mouth curled upward slightly. "Right, because that's been working so well," he said wryly, and something in his eyes made Sirius think that Remus knew what he'd been playing at all of these weeks.

"But it'd be in public," he said anxiously. "And someone might see us. Couldn't we talk somewhere privately, at least?"

"That's my point!" insisted Remus. "If it was in public, you wouldn't be able to distract me."

Sirius had to admit that this line of thinking, although not favorable, was fairly sound. Remus continued, "And we could go somewhere that most students don't go, like the Hog's Head. No one would see us. Even if someone did, we could just pretend that we were two friends enjoying each other's company. Why would anyone suspect otherwise?"

For a moment Sirius was silent, unsure. A large part of him ached for this, wanted what Remus was describing. But the other part of him was hesitant, still afraid.

"Please, Sirius?" asked Remus, finally. "I would very much like to go on a date with you."

And how could Sirius say no? "I'd.. I would too." He said finally, managing a smile, and suppressing the pangs of anxiety that shot through him at his words. Sirius focused on Remus's happy look, reminding himself that it was all for Remus and seeing that smile. He would do anything to make Remus smile.

So, on the next Hogsmeade trip, Remus and Sirius, after making excuses to James and Peter, set off to the Hog's Head. Frigid snow was falling happily around them, and it brought Sirius back to the memory of that night on the Astronomy tower, easing some of his nerves.

"Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village, though," Remus quoted softly, and Sirius looked over at him quizzically. Remus just smiled enigmatically and said, "It's muggle poetry, Pad. It's lovely stuff."

Sirius, who wanted to know everything about Remus, questioned him on this, but all he got out of Remus was the name Robert Frost. This light banter lasted while they were walking to the Hog's Head, and when they entered the shop they were both feeling cheerful. It was mostly empty, except for a few stiff looking older witches and wizards, and the blue-eyed bar tender did nothing but glare at them suspiciously before letting Sirius buy two butterbeers. Sirius carried the dusty glasses over to a table, and sat down across from Remus. They stared at each other, and Sirius took a drink to hide his sudden shyness. It was as though all of his cocky and suave comments fled his brain when he was with Remus, and he was left bare, awkward and unsure. Had it always been like that with Remus? He wondered to himself.

The chatted idly for a while, drinking their butterbeers, but instead of relaxing Sirius could feel himself getting more and more tense with each sip of his drink. He kept glancing at the door, checking to see if any of his school mates were walking by, and he was fretfully waiting for Remus to start talking about their relationship. When Remus finally brought it up, Sirius had worked himself into a near state of panic, even though he himself was slightly unsure of what he was so worried for.

"So," said Remus.

"So," Sirius echoed, his stomach twisting.

"I really like you," Remus murmured frankly, putting down his drink and turning slightly pink. "I mean, I'm sure you already know that, Sirius. But.. I just wanted you to hear it. And, I don't just want an illicit affair with you, as romantic as that sounds. I want to be with you. To have a real relationship with you – to have it mean something." He broke off, and then laughed self-consciously. "Oh Merlin, I sound like a girl."

Sirius's heart had begun to ache, but his insides had turned to ice. This was what he wanted, and he knew it – but it was exactly what he was afraid of, too. He desperately wondered how one person could be so confused. His two desires battled with each other in his mind, and he was conscious of Remus watching him, waiting for him to say something.

"I.." he began, trying to buy himself time. "I have to go, Remus."

And abruptly he stood up and fled out of the Hog's Head, leaving Remus behind for the third time in his life, and feeling worse about it than he had the past two times combined. But he couldn't go back, he just couldn't.

Despondently, he made his way up the deserted path to the Shrieking Shack, shivering slightly from the cold. The snow was beginning to fall thickly in earnest, but Sirius didn't pay it any attention. When he got to the Shrieking Shack he gazed at it, for a moment, reminded painfully of Remus, before turning away to sit on a rock nearby and finally allowing his muddled thoughts to flow freely through his mind.

He had messed up, again. Of course he had. He was a Black, and like all Blacks he was cursed to ruin everything he touched.

Sirius wanted to be with Remus, wanted to love him and steal him away and claim him as his own. But how could he? How could he when he destroyed everything he touched? If Remus was with him, he would be corrupted and hurt – like he already had. Or, even if Sirius, by some miracle, didn't manage to hurt him, then his parents would.

If Sirius really loved Remus, then he would have to let him go. It was better for Remus not to be involved with a Black, better and safer for him. And Sirius, despite his own desires, had to do what was best for Remus.

Putting his hand over his eyes and noticing suddenly a horrible ache in his heart, which beat out the words, alone, alone, alone, Sirius did not allow himself to cry. A Black did not cry in public. As he was focusing on not crying, Sirius dimly realized that the reason he had been so uneager to speak with Remus about their relationship was because a part of him had known that this was what it would come to.

Because he had hidden his eyes to the world, Sirius didn't notice that Remus had followed him up the path through the snow. It wasn't until Remus was standing right in front of him that Sirius realized he was there.

"I let you walk away from me twice, Sirius, and I'm not letting you do it again," Remus said, a firm look in his eyes. "I'm not letting you go again."

Sirius shook his head, feeling miserable and hating himself, his heart ragged. "Remus, we can't be together."

"Why?" asked Remus fiercely. "Do you not feel the same way about me? Just tell me, Sirius, and we won't have to do this anymore."

"Of course I feel the same! Merlin."

"I.. then what is it, Sirius? Is this about being gay, and about people finding out?" Remus's voice had calmed a little, but he still had an intense look in his eye.

"No."

There was a silence, and then Sirius realized he would have to explain, finally. Haltingly, he spoke. "Remus, I'm not a good person. My family isn't made up of good people. If you.. if we're together.. I don't want you to get hurt, or corrupted by me, or.." his words were spiraling out of control, and he couldn't seem to form a coherent argument. And, on top of that, to his utter embarrassment, tears had begun to fall down his face. He wiped them away angrily. "I can't let you get hurt, you see? I'm not good." He repeated.

"I know you, Sirius, and you aren't your family. You're a good person. You're a Gryffindor! You're one of the best people I know." Remus was speaking furiously, with passion in his voice. Sirius looked up, disbelieving, and began to shake his head angrily. Why didn't Remus understand? But Remus cut him off, and kept talking. "Who else would become an animagus for their werewolf friend? Or stand up for them constantly? Or always be there when they needed them the most? Or any other number of wonderful things that you've done?"

Sirius said nothing, so Remus continued.

"And I'm not afraid of your family. They can't touch us, Sirius. They can't ruin this."

Again Sirius was silent. Remus crept closer to Sirius and took his mittened hand with two of his own, holding them tightly. "Besides, shouldn't I get to decide if I want to be corrupted by you or not?" he said softly, a gentle smile on his face. "Sirius Black, I'm not letting you go that easily."

Sirius finally looked up into Remus's eyes. "Moony, I don't want you to get hurt," he whispered. "I don't want to hurt you again."

"The only way you'll hurt me is if you don't act on your feelings. I want to be with you, Sir. More than anything in the world. I don't care about anything else."

Feeling slightly breath taken, Sirius for a moment allowed himself to believe that maybe it was possible that they could be together. Was it possible that he could be the one to protect and love Remus, instead of the one to hurt him?

"More than anything in the world, Sirius. I want you," Remus repeated. "You."

And finally he whispered, "Remus.. me too. More than anything in the world. It's always been you." Then he clasped Remus tightly to him, vowing to never let this wonderful boy go, to never let him get hurt.

It was a long walk back to the castle in the freezing snow, but neither of them minded – not while they had each other.

Author's note: Ahh.. hello. (: I'm so, so sorry that I haven't updated since last April. My muse died, and only recently has it been revived. Now I'm really eager to finish the story, and hopefully there are still some people who want to read it! Since my muse still isn't exactly what it used to be, I've changed the story around a little; now it's going to be more of a brief outline of their entire relationship, without going into all of the little details as much. Basically, I'm going to do different scenes from different periods of time. It'll make sense eventually. Alas, my muse still seems a little flightly, and school work is also piling up, so I don't know how consistently I'll be updating – but I promise, I will finish this story. Hope you enjoy!