A/N: One chapter left! :) As usual, the characters and some of the scenes in this chapter belong to J. K. Rowling and not me, etc, etc. Sorry for the delay, this chapter didn't seem to want to be written. And it's a tad long too... my apologies.
He was gay, he reminded himself firmly, trying to concentrate as he walked up the stone steps of Tonks's neat flat in London. He was gay, and a werewolf, and overall a terrible match for Tonks. He would make her see that.
Remus nodded, once, to himself and then rang the bell. There was a soft peal that echoed throughout the house, and then a few seconds later, a crash. A little concerned, but not exactly surprised, Remus peered through the cramped window next to the door. Before he could make out anything other than laced curtains the door flew open and Tonk was there, smiling at him. Her hair wasn't back to her favorite bubble-gum pink, but it was a soft pink, and Remus felt as though this was potentially a bad sign. He was going to have to break her heart, he realized sadly, so soon after she had begun to foolishly gain a little hope. And what would happen to her? And who would he have left? But it had to be done. He steeled himself.
There was an awkward moment when he and Tonks sort of danced around, unsure if they should hug each other, until finally Tonks moved aside and Remus stepped into the house.
"Hullo," he started to say, but before he could finish there was a loud bang! from the kitchen and Tonks scurried towards it with a small yelp. Amused, Remus followed, but his humor was quickly changed into horror when he saw that Tonks's entire stove was on fire.
He ran forward, waving his wand, and together the two of them managed to subdue the flames. Soon all that was left was a charred, sad-looking kettle. Remus shot Tonks a concerned look and she just grinned at him, offering him a chair.
"Sorry," she said, panting a little. "My Mum always said that the kitchen would be the death of me."
"I can see why," said Remus drily. "Shall I make some tea, then?"
"Yes, please."
It took Remus a little while to charm the kettle back into a working state, but soon enough he found himself sitting back down with Tonks, bracing himself. Just tell her, he thought. No point in prolonging it. Before he could speak, however, she said something.
"I'm so glad you came, Remus. I was... afraid you wouldn't."
"Nymphadora..." he sighed. Why was she making this so hard?
"Tonks," she said, impatiently, and despite himself Remus smiled.
"Dora?" he offered, and she relented, her hair brightening as she rolled her eyes. "Dora... I can't... you shouldn't be in love with me."
He had meant to sound firmer, to take away any hope that she had: I don't love you, that's what he had meant to say. But he couldn't do that. It was Hannah Anderson all over again – and he didn't want to hurt Tonks in the way he had hurt Hannah.
Tonks faltered a little, her hair color losing some of its brightness, but she didn't seem as distraught as Remus had hoped. "Why?" she asked, expecting him to have a good reason.
"I'm a werewolf, Tonks."
She just looked at him, unimpressed. So he continued. "I'm old, and I'm poor, and you deserve someone better – someone who is young, and... not broken, not contaminated."
She just shook her head. "I don't care, Remus. I want you. I don't care if you're a werewolf!"
"You should care!" Remus was starting to feel a little panicked. If she wouldn't let this go, what was he going to do? "No one will approve of this love if it happens! Your own parents will be disgusted – as they should!"
Of course, Remus wasn't being entirely honest with her. Yes, everything he was saying was true, but if he had truly loved Tonks back then it wouldn't have been an issue. It certainly hadn't been an issue with Sirius, but then again that was different – not only had Sirius wholeheartedly accepted Remus, even going so far as to become an animagus for him, but also their relationship itself would have already been shunned by society. But being a werewolf should be enough to stop Tonks from loving him. It had to be enough.
But it wasn't. "I don't care!" she repeated, leaning forward. "I love you, Remus. You! Werewolf and all."
Remus sighed, feeling drained and longing for Sirius. He was going to have to tell her, that was it. That would convince her. "It's not just that, Tonks."
She sat back in her chair, calming down a little. "What else, then?"
"I'm gay." He took a deep breath, wishing it got easier to say with each person, but it didn't. "I'm gay, and Sirius and I..." he trailed off, unable to finish.
Tonks grew very quiet, her eyes large, her hair darkening. "Oh," she said, softly.
There was a pause.
"You... you sure?" she asked, tentatively. Remus looked at her, taken aback.
"Am I what?"
"Are you sure that you're gay? Have you ever been with a woman? Or was Sirius the only person you were ever with?"
"I..." was this really happening? Was she really that in love with him that she'd try to overlook his gayness? "I had a girlfriend, once. Fourth... no, fifth year of Hogwarts, I think."
"There you go!" Tonks's hair was lightening rapidly, like she was gaining hope. Remus grimaced, wishing that this wasn't so hard. Why wouldn't she just believe him and let it go? "So, not entirely gay, maybe?"
"It ended badly," he said, trying to speak firmly. "And I never really liked her that much, anyways. I was just lonely."
"Maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet."
Remus stood up, nearly upsetting his cooled tea. "Nympha...Tonks... I can't. I can't! Even if I wasn't gay," (Which I am, he thought tiredly. Entirely so.) "we still couldn't be together. I'm a werewolf, and old and tired and you deserve someone better. That's just what it is."
"But I love you, Remus! I do! And I don't care." She was looking up at him pleadingly, her eyes begging him to reconsider. It would be so easy to just give in, but neither of them would be happy, Remus was sure of it. So he pushed away.
"I do care. I'm not right for you." She sagged, looking away from him, and he softened. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "You'll find someone better."
She said nothing, and Remus, feeling miserable, left.
The next few weeks were horrible for Remus, almost as bad as the ones right after Sirius had died. He had no support anymore: he was alone. Seeing Tonks was out of the question, and although she had sent him a few messages, he had ignored them and she eventually stopped. He had stopped going to the Weasley's for dinner, too, because whenever he did Molly Weasley cornered him and tried to make him realize how lovely Tonks was. The only time he saw anyone was at Order meetings, but even then he had to be careful to avoid Tonks.
As a result he almost never left home, unless he was on a mission for Dumbledore or ran out of food. Remus started reading more and thinking less. He felt ragged down to the very marrow of his being, and he missed Sirius more than ever. Some days it felt like every sad poem he had ever read floated into his memory, and he had no choice but to let them march through, spearing loss and pain into his poorly patched-up heart.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
"For nothing now can ever come to any good," murmured Remus, quite sadly, to himself. He agreed with W. H. Auden.
To Remus's chagrin he found that life, as always, has an annoying tendency to keep moving forward, which is exactly what happened. Time passed and Remus grew lonelier and lonelier, and more than once in his weakest moments he considered going back to Tonks and just giving in, despite everything, if only to have a friendly face in his life again. But he forced himself to stay strong and he tried to keep moving, never ceasing and looking about.
He was wretched, and close to forgetting his promises to Sirius again. It was like all his progress had been lost. Remus may well have continued on like this for years, spinning out the rest of his life in miserable near-isolation, if something hadn't happened.
Towards the end of the Hogwarts school year, Harry's sixth, just as the Order was beginning to discuss potential solutions of what to do with Harry over the summer when his trace would break, Remus was summoned to go on watch at Hogwarts. This was unusual – these days he rarely did anything other than werewolf related missions – and he was wary of seeing Tonks, but also glad to do something different.
Hogwarts always affected him in a positive way, easing some of the tension from his thin shoulders; it was like coming home. Although this time he was nervous, for he hadn't been there since before Sirius's death, and wasn't quite sure what to expect.
Nonetheless, he arrived promptly on time and was met by Minerva, Bill, and Tonks. He exchanged pleasantries with them, feeling slightly odd at being around normal wizards after so long, and carefully avoided Tonks's gaze.
"Albus has asked that we patrol the corridors tonight while he's gone, just in case," Minerva reported briskly, everything about her symmetrical except for the slightly crooked tip of her hat.
So they patrolled, Remus careful to avoid Tonks.
After about an hour, all hell broke loose. All of a sudden Neville, Ron, and Ginny appeared in front of Bill and Remus, wild-eyed and spouting a story about Malfoy and Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder and Death Eaters. Bill ran to get Minerva and Tonks, while Remus led the students forward, seeking out the death eaters. His pulse was pounding and he hadn't felt this alive in months – it was as though the danger scorching through his veins was waking him up. He suddenly knew what Sirius had meant when he had said that he would die if he couldn't fight in a battle.
They ran into the Death Eaters quickly, who were heading towards the direction of the Astronomy Tower. Malfoy looked shocked, but the other Death Eaters immediately began to fire spells at the Order members. Remus blocked a curse that Yaxley shot at him and sent a spell back, but before he could do anything more serious he was distracted by Gibbon escaping up the tower. Remus ran towards him, intending to give chase, but before he could get up the steps Gibbon came crashing back down. For a moment everything seemed to slow, and a part of Remus's mind idly registered the whiteness and the amount of malevolence in Gibbon's eyes. Then suddenly Gibbon crumpled to the ground.
Remus whipped around, looking to see who had sent the killing curse towards him, and realized it was Rowle, who was getting ready to send another one Remus's way. Quickly stepping out of range, Remus hurried back into the dark corridor and began to fire spells out, trying to make out who was fighting. There were the Carrows; near them was Neville, sprawled on the floor. Ron and Ginny were dueling Death Eater nearby, and from a few steps away Remus could hear Bellatrix's cackles. A tight pain entered his chest at the sound of Bellatrix, Sirius's murderer, and it was hard to breathe, but before he could do anything he heard Bill cry out, and Fenir laughing cruelly.
Remus headed towards Bill, gripping his wand tightly, and nearly ran headfirst into Tonks. They stared at each other, speechless, for a moment, until Snape suddenly ran between them. The moment gone, they looked away.
"Severus!" Remus called, but Snape ignored him, running up the stairs. Shooting a look at Tonks, Remus tried to follow, but was repelled, thrown onto his back by some sort of barrier.
A few heartbeats passed, which seemed like lifetimes to Remus while in the middle of a roaring battle, before Tonks appeared and hauled him to his feet, shooting off a spell towards Yaxley.
Then all of a sudden, with an ear-splitting rumble, the ceiling gave in. Half of it crumpled away, and dust began to rain down the battle, the stars shining through. Remus got up with the help of Tonks and hurried towards the stairs again, this time managing to climb up the first few.
Snape and Malfoy emerged out of the rubble, and then the fighting began again. Snape shouted something as Remus pointed his wand towards one of the Carrows, and then suddenly all of the Death Eaters began to retreat.
The sudden silence after the retreat of the Death Eaters was deafening.
The next half an hour was a blur for Remus. His head swimming, he could hardly concentrate as the damage was assessed and Bill was taken down to the Hospital Wing. He remembered hushed voices speaking about Bill and looking down in sadness at the once-handsome man's ruined face.
He briefly awoke out of his daze when he heard Ginny's voice form an incredible statement: "Ron – Dumbledore's dead."
Immediately Remus became aware of his surroundings, fresh pain forcing his mind into clarity. "No!" he said wildly, looking to Harry, hoping he would refute this statement. But Harry said nothing.
No! Dumbledore... gone? His brain couldn't comprehend such a horrible idea. He collapsed onto a chair, his hands over his face, his mouth trembling. Dumbledore... the man who had shown Remus such constant kindness, such wisdom, always ready with a twinkle in his eye... how could such a wonderful, kind man be dead? Remus let out a wild sob, feeling the pain of all of the loved one's he had ever lost weighing down on his chest, crushing him, and wildly he tried to claw his way out, tried to retain some modicum of decency, but instead his body failed him and he began to weep.
Then a song cut through his pain, a terribly beautiful lament that sang out the wrongness and sadness of the death of such a man as Dumbledore. Fawkes sang, and everyone stood entranced. Remus still felt unhinged, like something inside him had broken, like this was one death too many. How many more deaths could he endure? First his father, then James, and Lily, then his mother's death, and the betrayal of Peter; now Dumbledore, and Sirius, oh, Sirius...
But he forced himself together, pasting on a look of grimness on his face. He would be strong now. He had to be. He was one of the oldest Order members left, and he had to be a pillar of strength.
Still, it was hard to concentrate as the stories began to be told, the retelling of the battle and all that had happened.
When everything had been rehashed, there was a brief period of silence. But then Molly and Arthur walked in, and Bill's condition was discussed. Remus felt a pang of empathy and loss for Bill, being able to relate to his predicament. But as Fleur declared her love for Bill, Remus felt an uneasy feeling begin in the middle of his stomach, and he suddenly noticed that Tonks was standing next to him.
When Molly and Fleur had stopping their emphatic crying and hugging, Tonks spoke up, glaring at Remus. "You see! She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"
Was it still possible that Tonks still loved him? How could this be so? "It's different," said Remus softly, feeling tense and tired and utterly unable to keep up with all of this. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely – "
"But I don't care either, I don't care!" Tonks said, seizing Remus's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times..."
Remus looked at the floor, wishing she wouldn't be so dramatic at a time like this. They had had this conversation once, and that had been enough. Hadn't it? "And I've told you a million times that I am too old for you, too poor... too dangerous..."
"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," added Mrs. Weasley, startling Remus and making him realize that everyone was staring at them.
"I am not being ridiculous," said Remus, feeling petty for discussing such a trivial thing as love after such a tragedy. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."
"But she want you. And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so." Arthur spoke up this time, and Remus suddenly felt exhausted, just wishing this conversation to end, as Arthur gestured towards his son.
"This is... not the moment to discuss it... Dumbledore is dead..."
"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Minerva.
And Remus wondered suddenly if this was true. Was he being selfish to keep love away from Tonks? Yes, he was old and poor and dangerous and gay, not to mention in love with someone else, but most of these things didn't really matter anymore. Would it be so horrible to give in? To just make someone else happy? It would be lying, in a way – he was gay, after all, and he would never be able to love Tonks in the way that she deserved.
It would be a horrible, selfish thing to do. But he was so tired, and so lonely...
He looked up and realized that Harry and some of the others had disappeared, and those who were left were crowded around Bill's bed. Only Tonks was still standing near him.
"Remus..." she said softly, reaching up to push a lock of his graying hair out of his face. Remus shivered at the nearness of a person – how long had it been since someone had touched him? – but it felt wrong, different, somehow. "Remus, I love you."
And even though he knew it would come to no good, and even though he knew would hate himself for it, Remus gave in.
The next few weeks flew by in a blur. But while the days hurried by, Remus slowed down. He no longer felt in control of anything; he felt as though he were just going along for the ride. Often he felt deep pangs of regret, and he second-guessed himself.
The only time when life seemed to recover its normal speed was when he caught sight of Tonks's happy, smiling face, or her vivid bubble-gum pink hair. Then his conscious eased a little, and he didn't feel as horrible as he should have. Instead he just felt tired.
They had a very quiet wedding a few weeks after Dumbledore's funeral. Even if they had wanted to have a large wedding, they couldn't have; the Wizarding community was not very accepting of werewolf and wizard marriages. Even Tonks's parents were very unhappy with Tonks's choice of a husband.
If Remus's parents were alive, he felt sure they would have been happy for him and Tonks. "Love is a precious thing, Remus. If you have found it then you must keep it, and never let it go," Remus's mother had once said. But wouldn't she have been upset with Remus had she realized that he was not in love with Tonks? It was far too baffling, and worrying, so he didn't think about it.
Tonks was happy, though, and so was most of the Order. So Remus told himself that this was enough.
It was odd, married life. He'd always wondered what it would be like to be married to Sirius, but somehow life had never quite let them get around to it. In this case, it was like living with a friend. A close friend, sure, and one that he did perhaps love – just not in the right way. He was reasonably happy, to be honest. Sometimes he was even cheerful. And for the most part, he was no longer lonely – only sometimes, when he let himself dwell too much on the past or on his guilt.
But his small happiness was paid for by guilt, acidic guilt that ate away at his conscious every day that he woke up next to Tonks. Guilt for marrying Tonks, guilt for being with someone who wasn't Sirius. But he kept at it anyways. What else did he have to live for anymore?
The worst part, by far, was the sex. It was very odd, making love to a woman, and it was hard for him. After all, there was a reason he was gay. She had all of these curves and valleys, and secret soft places, that were so different from the solid, masculine Sirius. The worst of all, another guilty secret for him, was that he had to picture Sirius's face often while sleeping with her. It didn't help either that Tonks's face literally changed from night to night; sometimes she'd have pink hair and other times blonde, and occasionally her eye colors would change or her nose or mouth. His favorite was when she had black hair, although he wouldn't let himself think about why.
For a while he was worried about it, the sex, afraid that he wasn't living up to his duty as a husband, but after the first night she had leaned close to him and had whispered, "See, you aren't gay at all."
But he was, and he knew he was. He hated lying to her, hated that their very relationship wasn't real, hated that the man she loved didn't really exist. And he hated lying to her about poetry.
"You're so handsome when you read," she had said one night, crawling next to him on the sofa. "What do you like reading best? Muggle novels? Classics? Poetry?"
"I hate poetry," he had said, quickly, taking himself by surprise. Remus didn't know where the words came from, but a secret place of in his heart refused to give Tonks the part of him that was Sirius's.
But despite the lies, and his guilt, she seemed happy. And although he hated himself for it, he was content.
So life went on. On Harry's seventeenth birthday, Remus helped get him to safety from his house, and was there as they lost another life as Moody died.
Bill and Fleur had their wedding, and the war grew worse as the ministry was taken over. Harry and Ron and Hermione had disappeared, and for the next few days Remus embarked on dangerous missions, trying to shake the Death Eater tailing him and trying to find Harry. To his surprise, a fierce part of him enjoyed it. There was a part of him that had grown reckless, that tried to emulate and remember Sirius, hurtling him towards danger with no thought of the consequences.
One night he came home, feeling bitter and tired and guiltier than usual, when Tonks greeted him at the door.
"Remus," she said, softly, her face filled with a wonder.
"Dora," he said, wondering what had happened now, sighing inwardly to himself. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she said. There was a pause, and then she smiled. "I'm pregnant, Remus. Pregnant!"
Remus felt a shiver of excitement go through him. Pregnant! A child, he was going to have a child – he would be a father! But then common sense chilled his blood, and his happiness abated. Pregnant? But... how? He realized that he had never thought about protection, not being used to the possibility. He put a hand to his head and took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. This was terrible! His kind weren't supposed to breed – who knew what would happen, how condemned the child would be, or how diseased it might turn out.
"My Mum wants us to move in, so she can help out," Tonks was saying. "And – "
"This – this is horrible, Tonks," said Remus, and immediately he regretted his harshness. A look of pain crossed Tonks's face, and her shoulders sagged.
"Remus, I... I thought you'd be happy. You're going to make such a wonderful father."
"No!" he said, digging his fingers deeper into his scalp. All his fault, this was all his fault... how could he have been so selfish as to allow all of this to happen? "My kind... werewolves... we aren't supposed to breed! I've ruined you, Tonks! And the baby – who knows what will happen to it! What it will turn out like. And everyone will be sickened; the baby will be hated..."
Tonks paled. "No, Remus – you're wrong, everything will be fine! You're going to be an excellent father, I know it..."
"Don't be naïve," said Remus coldly, feeling panicked and trapped. How could this happen? How could he be so stupid? He had to leave, had to get out – who would want a werewolf as a father? And Tonks, how could he have ever let himself be selfish enough to marry her? If he left, now, immediately, she could find someone else... she could move in with her parents, and eventually she'd find someone else, someone whom she could pretend was the father of the child...
"I have to go," he said, blindly. Turning around he walked out of the house, ignoring Tonks's panicked cries. It was for the best, he told himself bitterly.
He reached the outside and apparated, turning on his heel, going to the first place that his mind thought of. To his surprise, he found himself at Grimmauld Place, somewhere he hadn't been for months, not since before Snape's betrayal. The place still brought back horrible memories, but it also gave him a sense of peace. It reminded him of Sirius, and since it was getting harder and harder to capture Sirius in his memory, anything that reminded him of his past lover was good, despite the pain.
Remus sighed, opening the door to the house, being careful to stay on the stoop and not reveal himself to the Death Eater lurking watchfully nearby. He hated that his life had become so complicated, hated everything that had happened, despite his brief moments of happiness. If only things could go back to the way they had once been... back to his days of Hogwarts, even, when he had been happiest...
He shook himself out of his revere, annoyed that he was allowing himself to drown with self-pity. Get a hold of yourself, he told himself firmly. You just left your pregnant wife. What's going to happen now?
It was almost funny, thought Remus humorlessly as he walked into the house carefully: who would have thought that Remus, of all people, would ever be in this situation?
"Severus Snape?" hissed the dust figure of Moody, the house's protection against Snape, startling Remus out of his thoughts.
"It was not I who killed you, Albus," he said automatically, pain twisting inside of him at the memory of Dumbledore's death.
The dust figure exploded, and he relaxed.
But then an unexpected voice shouted, "Don't move!"
Remus froze, holding up his hands, as Mrs. Black started to scream, "Mudbloods and filth dishonoring my house – "
"Hold you fire, it's me, Remus!" he said quietly, deciding with excitement that it was Harry, who after all was the owner of the house.
"Oh, thank goodness," said a feminine voice weakly, and Remus relaxed. And that must be Hermione.
"Show yourself!" it was Harry again, not ready to believe that danger had passed so quickly. Good, then, thought Remus with satisfaction, Harry was being cautious. Remus stepped forward into the light and reeled off facts about himself. "I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, married to Nymphadora – " at this he cringed a little, inwardly, but continued, " – usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag."
"Oh all right," said Harry, lowering his wand. "But I had to check, didn't I?"
"Speaking as your ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I quite agree that you had to check. Ron, Hermione, you shouldn't be quite so quick to lower your defenses." Remus was very serious, but at the same time he couldn't help smiling a little. It was good to know that the three were safe. He followed them into the kitchen, and began to grimly fill them in on everything that had happened since the wedding.
Ron, Hermione, and Harry were quiet by the end of his news-telling, and then Remus felt it was time to ask what it was they were doing. "I'll understand if you can't confirm this, Harry, but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission."
"He did. And Ron and Hermione are in on it and they're coming with me," said Harry.
"Can you confide in me what the mission was?" He didn't think Harry would, but it was worth asking.
"I can't, Remus, I'm sorry. If Dumbledore didn't tell you I don't think I can." Harry looked sincerely regretful, which eased Remus a little, but he was still disappointed. "I thought you'd say that," said Remus, sitting back with a sigh.
All of a sudden an idea came to Remus, a horrible, delicious, intoxicating idea. He had left Tonks, and now he had a chance to get away, to do something to win the war. "I might still be of some use to you," he said slowly. "You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to."
Harry hesitated, looking excited, but Hermione gave him a puzzled look. "But what about Tonks?"
"What about her?" Remus's heart sank, and he crashed back to reality. But, no – he had left Tonks.
"Well, you're married! How does she feel about you going away with us?"
"Tonks will be perfectly safe. She'll be at her parents' house," said Remus, a little coldly. He didn't want to be reminded of the terrible things he had done.
There was silence for a minute, but then Hermione began to ask questions, unwilling to let it go. Finally Remus admitted to Tonks's pregnancy, knowing that he was now fighting a lost cause.
He could see the disapproval and shock in the three teenager's eyes, especially in Harry's, when he still insisted he could go with them on the mission. Feeling a proud need to defend himself, Remus tried to explain the mistake he had made, how shunned Tonks and the child would be in society, how deformed it could come out, and how it would be ashamed of him...
Hermione seemed very stricken by his speech, tears forming in her eyes, insisting that no child could be ashamed of Remus. But Harry spoke the truth, the truth that Remus knew and was trying to hide from.
"Oh, I don't know Hermione. I'd be pretty ashamed of him."
At this Remus froze, trying to fight the truth that was crashing around him, ruining the entire semblance that he had built up around the evening – that what he was doing was okay, understandable, and the only right thing to do.
"If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad, what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?" Harry continued, speaking sharply and angrily.
Remus weakly tried to defend himself, despite knowing he was in the wrong and feeling as though everything had slipped out of his control once again. "How – how dare you? This is not about a desire for – for danger or personal glory – how dare you suggest such a – "
"I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil," Harry kept going, glaring at Remus. "You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoes – " Remus's heart grew frigid at the mention of Sirius's name, and he had to look away.
"Harry, no!" interjected Hermione, but Harry continued. "I'd never have believed this. The man who taught me to fight dementors – a coward."
His face burning, Remus drew out his wand, hardly knowing what he was doing. He felt as though he was a student again, a student who knows he has done something stupid and wrong and is being told off by a professor. There was a bang – was that his wand? Had he sent off a spell? – and then he fled, running out of the door and escaping into the night. He turned on his heel and apparated, finding himself back at his house.
A coward. You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoes. A coward. YOU COWARD.
Harry's cruel, truthful words echoed in Remus's head, and he felt himself crumbling, falling apart, as he opened his door. He walked back into his house and into the living room, where he found Tonks, sitting on the lemon sofa she had picked out. She was crying.
Remus sat down next to her and embraced her, letting her tears mingle with his. "I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing it wasn't enough. That he wasn't enough, would never be enough for her. "I'm sorry for being so cowardly."
The next months that flew by were anxious ones, and when Remus wasn't worried about Tonks or becoming a father or about impressing Tonks's parents, he was occupied with wondering how Harry was doing on his mission.
When Teddy was born it was as though something for once in his life had gone right. As Remus held the fragile child in his arms, his hair already changing from black to ginger, a fierce love ran through him, a sudden realization that this boy was now perhaps the most important thing in his life, the one thing that kept him utterly tethered to this world.
His life was complete again. Since Sirius's death he had been incomplete, empty, bereft. Teddy didn't fill the hole that Sirius had left, but he did more than Tonks or any of Remus's friends in giving Remus a reason to keep living. Teddy, his son... his wonderful son, his son. His and Tonks's. Teddy Lupin.
The next few months of his life were some of the happiest he had known in a very long time. He was with his son whenever he could be, constantly holding him and playing with him and teaching him things and words that he knew he couldn't yet understand. Remus whispered poems to Teddy as he rocked him to sleep, and then marveled at this little fragile slip of life that he had helped create. He was getting along better with Tonks, as now they had this child to hold them together, and his guilt was assuaged; it seemed that they had a legitimate relationship, now, a reason to be together. Tonks's mother, too, had warmed exponentially to Remus, in seeing how he treated Teddy with such love. And he had made up with Harry, too; he had finally realized the truth that Harry had been brave enough to speak, and was grateful. Harry had assented to be the godfather, another happy occurrence.
But the thing that made Remus the happiest was the peace that he felt. He finally felt as though he was living up to his promise that he had made to Sirius – he had found a reason to live again. He had fallen in love again, this time with the tiny child with a delicate beating heart. A future marauder, nonetheless.
And so it was with something suspiciously akin to excitement and peace that Remus answered Neville's call to arms one May afternoon. Tonks agreed reluctantly to stay behind with Teddy. She was concerned, and uneager to let her husband go off to face danger without her, but Remus was sure that nothing bad could happen. Not anymore, now when everything was so perfect.
He held Teddy close, telling him that he'd be back soon, and then embraced his wife, almost cheerfully. "Good luck," she whispered. "Be safe. I love you."
"I love you too," he said, and felt that perhaps he really meant it. Not in the way she did, maybe, but in a different way. And that was okay. "And you, Teddy."
Then he left for Hogwarts.
The castle was in chaos as people ran around the Room of Requirement and tried to organize themselves. When Harry arrived things simply got more confusing.
Finally they managed to organize themselves a little, and Remus took charge of a group of fighters, heading off for the grounds. The fighting was thick, curses flying from all sides. Kingsley and Arthur helped Remus in directing the fight, but it quickly became apparent that the Death Eaters simply outnumbered the little group.
"Retreat!" called Remus, his hair flying into his face as he shot a spell towards a hooded figure. "Back to the castle!"
Everyone followed his orders, quickly scurrying back to Hogwarts. Kingsely took the lead while Arthur and Remus fell back, making sure everyone got back inside. The Death Eaters followed, cackling maliciously and urging the giants on their side to smash the castle.
The fighting was just as heavy inside the castle, and things quickly began to fall apart. Remus lost sight of Kingsely and the rest of his troop, but he didn't have time to find them – he was too busy trying to stay alive. He stunned a Death Eater, avoided a curse from another one, and then sudden Tonks was there.
"Tonks!" he said, breathless, quickly ducking to avoid a killing curse and pulling her down with him. She hugged him, relief evident on her features. "I was so afraid, Remus, not knowing what was happening with you – "
He nodded, pulling her closer. "Teddy?" he asked. "Is he alright?"
"Mum's with him, but Remus – "
She was cut off as Dolohov strode into view. A suit of armor sprinted between them, and then Remus and Dolohov locked eyes. Dolohov sent a curse flying towards Remus, which he avoided ungracefully, pulling away from Tonks.
Tonks looked at Remus, fear in her eyes, and he reached out to grasp onto her hand. "I'll be fine. We must keep going, Dora. For Harry's sake. And for Teddy's sake."
She nodded, once, and then stood up. As Remus avoided another curse from Dolohov, sending one back at him, he couldn't help but watch fearfully as Tonks began to battle with Bellatrix. Bellatrix... his blood boiled a little as he remembered the woman who had killed Sirius. But before he could do anything his eyes snapped back to Dolohov as the man sent yet another spell towards him.
They began to duel in earnest. Dolohov was an excellent dueler, but a poor shot, and Remus hadn't been a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for nothing. Flashes of light danced across Remus's vision as the battle continued, but suddenly he was distracted by a scream of pain. He whipped around to see who the yell belonged to, and his heart nearly stopped as he saw Tonks fall to the ground, very still, as Bellatrix laughed manically.
No, not Tonks! Dora! Remus began to panic, disbelief coloring his thoughts. Bellatrix couldn't possibly steal two people he loved from him, could she? He tensed, his heart beating uncontrollably through his sudden pain, ready to go after Bellatrix. But then, too late, he remembered Dolohov, and as he turned back to the battle a streak of red light hit him in the chest. Dolohov had finally managed to hit him, and Remus's last thoughts as he fell senselessly to the ground were first of Tonks, then of Teddy, and finally of Sirius.
Sirius... are you waiting for me?