Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.
A/N: sooo I know I told you guys this would be a one shot but like I had this scene in mind and I couldn't help but write it! I really hope you guys enjoy it and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!
Warning: This chapter may be a little more on the dark side.
I would like to thank my friend Avery for all her input and just being a fantastic friend to have late night chats regarding overly depressing characters. Love you lots.
Chapter two:
Bella put her carnelian gemstone pendant on a long gold chain and secured it around her neck. It would always remind her of Jessica- a gift that symbolized friendship.
Bella's fingers tightened around the pendant, her nails digging into the skin of her palm. It hurt. It hurt grieving for someone she had not lost physically, but lost more or less in every other sense of the word.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror, dressed in dark grey skinny jeans and a white tank with a black cardigan on. Her hair hung in waves down her back; a dark curtain for emergencies. She looked past her reflection into the dark room. An ash black canopy bed centered the large room with a black wooden trunk by its foot. Two black night stands with three drawers were on either side of the bed with white lamps standing idly on. A black rug rested on an oak wooden floor, looking invitingly soft to dip her toes in.
Everything was in shades of white and black. Including her. She fit perfectly in a room that wasn't hers. She fit perfectly along with the other belongings.
She was in a house that probably was the fanciest house she had ever seen. People would dream of living in such a work of art. Everything so perfect, immaculate and just beautiful.
And she felt like she was just another item on display.
She heard talk of eternal life and love. An unbreakable bond, mates forever. Yet, she had no free will. Baby sat constantly, someone with their ears always tracing her every movement. This version of love was one she never imagined for herself. This wasn't even love. It was possession.
She knew she was at fault for this maximum security like prison, though. It all happened when she stopped her fear. When she'd had enough. When life wasn't so promising anymore and she lost all battles, including fighting for her friends.
She just wanted a way out. It was all too excruciating for her inside. Her will meant nothing and her essence as a person was gone. She turned into an empty shell and she just wanted relief.
Bella sat on her bathroom floor with her knees pulled up against her chest. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was tear streaked. One moment she was looking at her reflection in the mirror and then all she knew she was on the floor crying hysterically. She just couldn't remember what she was like a few months ago. She couldn't go past the fear and remember what made her laugh. She couldn't even remember the last time she laughed without a heavy heart.
Jake cutting all ties with her after finding out about Edward and their 'relationship'. Jessica consumed with anger and hurt for Bella's walls, wanting nothing to do with her. Mike siding with Jessica and giving Bella an ultimatum she had no power over.
It all hurt.
She just couldn't remember anything of her prior self. She had become a puppet and an empty hollow doll. She couldn't picture eternity this way. She didn't want such an eternity. She would take death over that life gladly.
Death was something Bella never thought of. Not self induced death. But at that moment in time all she wanted was change. Change she could control and an end to her miserable existence.
Bella got up from her place and stood in front of the mirror. She just needed one shard to cut her deep enough until she existed no more. She needed it to be fast and irreversible. The physical pain could not possibly catch up to her emotional torment. It would just be a price, a fare, to the other side. To any side, anything but this life she was living.
Bella took in a deep breath and raised her fist to shatter the mirror. She only needed one sharp shard. With every ounce of strength she possessed, Bella punched into the mirror over the sink, successfully shattering it. The pain seared, flaring immediately and she cradled her hand to her chest. She only had a short interval of time before Edward was back. He was always there, unless he needed to hunt. She just couldn't take it. Always there. Always there. Always there.
No more.
She just needed one clean slash against some major artery. She picked up a shard with her good hand,- the hurt one forgotten by her side. She was about to go down a road there was no coming back from. She would have been disappointed in herself had she stopped to think long enough about the whole situation. But thought had no room in her mind. Nothing that could sway her in her moment of relief had place in her. Everything melted away as her big brown bloodshot eyes eyed the sharp shard. Her heart was beating wildly as she brought the shard closer to her neck.
Bella had no room for a final breath. This was her moment, it was only her and the shard and her resolve. She shut her eyes tightly and willed the trembling of her hands away.
The moment the shard touched the skin of her neck, her hand was shoved away and grabbed in a vice grip after tossing the shard away. She stared, eyes opened wide in shock, at Jasper Cullen and his hard face. His lips were pursed and his jaw was clenched. His eyes had an unreadable emotion in them. Bella's mind registered what was going on and she sucked in a deep breath to scream and fight against it.
They wouldn't even let her end her life on her terms. Anger took charge as she screamed and thrashed, powerless without the use of her hands. All she could do was cry and scream in anger and despair. They stopped her. They would always stop her.
She didn't know at what point she fell into an unwelcomed darkness, but she did. When she came to she was once again at that familiar room. His room. In fresh bloodless cloths and what looked like a bandaged hand. It took her a moment to remember what had happened. When everything flashed, her memory sparing no details, Bella just closed her eyes. The tears still leaked though. Now she would have to deal with the aftermath. Now she would have to face everything she tried to escape.
She would have to face him. Be with him after clearly wanting to escape life to escape him. Would that be enough to change things? It was crazy of her to think of his feelings when she did what she did because she wanted to stop the way she was feeling. She wanted to stop her train of thought. She wanted to stop thinking, period.
She turned in the bed and balled herself into the fetal position. It was all she could do. It was all she had energy for.
She heard the door softly open and close. Her heart rate picked up slightly. She knew this would eventually happen; it was inevitable that she escape him. Maybe she did belong with him, if it was impossible to disappear from him. She scoffed inwardly at her train of thought. She just failed in ending her life because of him. She owed him nothing.
Bella heard Edward drag an armchair across the wooden floor and the noise grew louder, until it stopped by her side of the bed.
Nothing filled the air but excruciating silence. She dared not open her eyes, but she could feel the burning gaze of Edward on her. She felt bare, fully clothed.
"I know you're awake." Said Edward in a distant voice, not like his usual sultry velvet notes. It came out cold and empty. A lifeless melody.
Bella turned on her back and just laid there on a bed not her own, with her eyes closed. She didn't feel a need to acknowledge his statement. She already knew he knew, it seemed like he knew a lot of things before their time. She always noticed how he was there to stop something from happening to her, or stop her from trying to make something happen. It always befuddled her, always a question unanswered. The night before was enough for her to start down a different path. She was numb inside, she would fear no more.
She wanted to ask him, know just how he was one step ahead of her. Even as supernatural as he was, he wasn't supposed to beat the unexpected future. Was she even safe in a future known to him? Did she even care about her safety anymore?
It was a laughable thought. Her safety. A tomorrow of a different shade? Something heart warming, not freezing.
It made her laugh. And Laugh Bella did. The sound of her laughs filled the quiet room and echoed through the hollow halls of the manor. She'd gasp in between laughs, take a deep intake of breath and continue laughing. The laugher bubbled in her chest at the ridiculousness of her every hope. It was quite a shock to find her self sinking into another person in a life she never signed up for. It was quite humorous to be that dead inside.
Bella laughed. She laughed wiping away the tears. She laughed as if she was a mad woman. Laughed as if she'd lost her mind. Nothing mattered anymore. Her life was a joke. One sad joke.
Edward was on top of her, straddling her with his hands on her shoulders. Bella automatically opened her eyes, her laughs dying in her throat at the piercing gaze of Edward's eyes. His brows were furrowed slightly as he looked at her with his deep topaz eyes concealing all emotion. He was just holding her in place, his face void of all emotion and eyes intensely immobilizing. Bella's breathing became hard and his weight on her crashed her back into the not so humorous reality.
She closed her eyes and started sobbing. She hid her face beneath her palms and just sobbed. A drastic change to her previous state. Maybe she was going mad. Maybe she wanted to go mad. Lose her mind. Lose her self and never miss who she was and resent who she'd become. She just wanted to forget.
".me." she ground out between sobs with as much fierceness as she could muster. She didn't care about the consequences anymore. She just stopped caring. He could choose not to get off. He could choose to do a lot of things; it was within his power to do anything. He could take her right there. He could just fuck her and finally claim her. He could have her body. He could have his control. He would never possess her heart. Never enter her mind.
Bella felt Edward's arms leave her shoulders and heard the door softly click shut. She sat upright in an instant and looked around the empty room not quite believing what had just happened. Her words always knocked his hard exterior and bounced back. Everything she ever wanted him to understand seemed to only bounce back. Nothing ever broke through.
She looked around the empty room, wiping the tears with the back of her hands. It was empty. It was really empty. He would always fill her room with his presence.
She welcomed the emptiness and fell back into the mattress. She didn't want to think and analyze and process. She just wanted to be in that moment. Be alone. Be without him.
The door opened softly and closed with an almost mute click. Bella didn't have to turn her body around to see who it was. Sometimes, when she sat in the quiet, it felt serene. Nothing made a sound, not even her. She'd hold her breath for as long as her lungs let her. All to just hear nothing and feel nothing. Just to know it's safe. But, Bella found out that the quiet was deceiving after a while.
When things were too quiet, she knew something was wrong. When, inside, her emotions were anything but quiet, she knew she wasn't alone anymore.
She was aware of him in a way that frightened her. His cool breath on her neck would send shivers up her spine and his strong hands around her waist would surround her and keep her safe. She would close her eyes and pretend she was someone else. She would close her eyes and fail. It was always him. It was never anyone else.
"Are you ready?" he said in a flat tone. His back against the closed door, his eyes too pools or vibrant topaz. Hiding everything in expertly.
Bella looked over her shoulder at his profile. He stood tall against the door in a grey sweater under a leather jacket. His washed out black jean clung to his hips perfectly. She took in the appearance of his tousled bronze hair and beautiful face.
Bella shook her head and tilted it towards the window. She stayed quiet for a while. She wondered how long they were going to keep pretending she didn't try to kill her self and how much she didn't want to move away to go to college with him. She wondered if what she thought mattered at all.
Things had changed. They weren't quite the way they were. Edward hadn't laid a finger on her since the incident.
She was relieved at first. She was free for a little while, until her own emotions surprised her.
Her days with his blended together. They were always the same. Eat, sleep and sit in silence. Nod her head yes or shake it no. His family was in her invisible line of sight. She acknowledged no one.
"It's your first day of college."
The words just echoed in the empty corridors of her mind. She numbed down her anger. Emotion was pointless at that point. Bella found it easier to just go along with everything. It was too much for her to try and handle anything anymore.
"Uh-huh." Was her simple reply. She wasn't ready for any of it. She never would be.
Bella stiffened almost instantly when she felt his cool breath against her ear. His sent invaded her senses and drowned her in a dreamy haze for a split second. It had been a long while since he was that close to her. She'd grown used to the distance, the impenetrable parameter that surrounded her. Her eyes closed momentarily at his scent and closeness, warming her and soothing her.
Bella bit her lip until the skin threatened to break. How was it fathomable to feel that way? Why was she so disgusting? Why couldn't she just be normal and will her feelings away. Will him to disappear. She couldn't deny the simple effect of his touch, it lulled her, distracted her. It made her feel better.
"Enough Bella." The authority in his voice sent shivers down her spine and his hands that were once hesitant clung to her shoulders strongly as he twirled her around. His vibrant eyes met her widened ones. Her gaze shifted to his hands and then to their proximity. She shook her head slightly, feeling suddenly light headed. He was too close after being too far and she resented herself for missing it.
Bella could feel her heart raging a tornado in her chest. Her big brown eyes threatened a lost war with his topaz ones, widening slightly at the deep frown that graced his features. His hands loosened their tight grip on her shoulders and slid down to her waist.
Bella stiffened immediately and a sense of foreboding filled her very essence. Without even realizing it she started sobbing into his chest, hitting him with all her might. She hit him, not uttering a word as her tears did all the talking for her. She put all her strength into every single blow, inflicting more damage on herself than she expected, knowing full well how futile it was to even hope to scratch Edward's fortifying skin.
Edward gently gripped Bella's wrists and held them to his chest, as if he knew at the rate she was going she was going to break her hands. He didn't say anything as she crashed against his chest in surrender, her sobs slowly subsiding.
Was it his nature that controlled his emotions? Did remnants of his old self exist at all?
"I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore." His statement was short and said in a clipped tone. He hadn't intended for it to sound so dry and cold. He slowly moved his hands back to her waist and pressed her closer to him "Okay?" he questioned in a whisper gently, glad she wasn't kicking and screaming at him. Though, he would prefer that to her catatonic state anytime.
Bella suddenly pushed out of his embrace and ran to the bathroom, throwing up whatever contents there were in her stomach. When she got out, she looked Edward straight in the eye and said "You make me sick."