I love springtime! The trees outside my apartment are blooming. It smells so pretty! Thank you to my readers and reviewers. Big kisses.

Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own a stick of gum...I'm lame.

Right Vs. Good

by: JudeOrion

Chapter Twelve: A Proposal

"Sure. And next week we can all ice skate to hell."

"Just talk to him, Bella. He feels awful."

"He should."

"He wants to apologize."

"Tell him to send a letter."

"Bella—"

"Alice, please. I can't see him again. I don't want to risk last night happening again."

It was the Friday after the day that had found Edward buried nose-deep in my privates parts; the one of New Year's Eve, and Alice had come back around noon to check on me. She found me in the tub, trusty bottle of Absolut on the floor next to me. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy red. Alice hauled my half-dead carcass out of the tub, forced me to put on my pj's and set me on the couch.

Then, once I was deemed sober enough, she brought up Edward wanting to speak with me. Didn't she know by now that any conversation we tried to have ended up with bad results?

"What if I was here with you?"

"It's too personal to talk about with anyone else there."

Alice sighed.

"I'm so confused."

"Do you still love him?" Alice asked.

Of all the stupid questions…

"I don't know." I loved him in Forks, I knew that. I loved him more than I loved Josh now. Certainly more than I ever loved Mike, if I loved him at all…but…Did I love Edward now? That was the million dollar question. I got butterflies in my stomach when he looked at me. A bolt of electricity shot through me every time our skin so much as brushed. The feelings he stirred in me last night sent my head spinning and a blush washing over my flesh. Just thinking of it made my toes curl. He affected me physically stronger than any man had ever. Emotionally he sent me in a tailspin; I felt like I was hurtling to the ground and he had his arms open to catch me. Josh…where did that put Josh? I felt like he was falling with me. Should I pull the cord on the parachute with him or keep falling to Edward and hope he catches me?

This analogy wouldn't work if he didn't have vampire strength you know.

Or the strength of his skin could be like landing on a granite slate.

Stupid analogy.

Shut up brain…

"I don't know what to do, Alice. Should I tell Josh? He'll never trust me again. I'm never, ever, letting last night happen with Edward again. Period."

"I can't tell you what you should do. I could tell you what I want you to do, but I'm biased."

"You want me to be with Edward." It wasn't a question.

"I do. I've felt the love between you two, from what Jasper has shared with me, and it rivals what he and I have." She laughed. "Last night, even, he could feel the lust coming off of Edward and after things had settled down, he just leapt at me and—"

"No! Enough of that, Alice!" I covered my ears and giggled.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to get carried away. But honestly, Bella, don't deny yourself. I know you still love Edward."

"I love Josh, too, though."

"Yes. Now all you have to do is decide which one is the right choice for you."

"Josh. That's the easy answer. He doesn't push me to do bad things, he doesn't stalk me, I trust him completely, he makes me a better person in general. He's the good choice for me."

"I said right for you, not good."

"What do you mean?"

"Say you found five hundred dollars lying a block from the police station. As you are walking to turn it in you find a homeless person starving on the street. Do you turn it in, or do you use it to buy the homeless man food and shelter? Which is right, and which is good? You have to decide which is which for yourself, and then you have to decide what to do in the situation."

"What is with you vampires and the food comparisons?"

She shrugged. "Could be worse. I could have made him a starved-weak vampire and you offering yourself instead of money."

"Now I sound like a hooker."

"Perspective, Bella. Perspective."

We rolled around laughing on the couch. When we finally settled down I felt much better, despite my dilemma. "Grr…why does life have to be so confusing?"

"If everything was easy, there'd be no point in living."

"What is that, freaking vampire wisdom or something?"

"Wisdom that comes with time. And I've had plenty of it, Bella, believe me."

"I suppose…"

We sat and talked for a while longer until Alice had to leave. Josh was due any minute anyway, and though I had just seen him the day before, I was anxious to see him again. In both meanings of the word. Nervous that he would see the guilt written all over my face; excited to spend more time with him. I was dozing on the couch when he let himself in. I opened my bleary eyes and smiled at him.

"Hey, stranger."

"Hi. Did I wake you up?"

"I was sorta half-and-half." He kissed me, then lifted up my head and sat down underneath it. He stroked my hair, which almost put me back to sleep.

"Did you get enough sleep last night?" he asked me.

"Mmm…no, not really."

"How come?"

I shrugged. "Just didn't. You wanna watch the New Year's party?" I reached for the remote on the floor next to me and flicked on the TV, quickly finding the station. We watched and talked and kissed and cuddled until about ten minutes before the ball was supposed to drop.

Josh was still stroking my hair and had just got done telling me a funny joke when he cleared his throat.

"Uh…Bella?" He asked, all nervous-sounding.

"Yes?"

Uh-oh. What's this about?

"You love me, right?" he asked.

My eyes shot open and my heart sped. Did he know? "You doubt it?"

"I just want to hear you say it. I'm always the one who says it first."

"I love you, Josh. You know that. After meeting my dad you should know how I am when it comes to showing affection."

"True enough."

"I do love you. I'm sorry if I don't say it enough. I try to show it."

Josh kissed the outside of my ear. "I know. You do show me, all the time. And I love you, too, Bella. You're everything I've been searching for my whole life."

Oh. Sure. Just pour on the guilt, why don't you.

"Really?"

"I'm a thirty-one year-old bachelor, Bella. The longest relationship I've been in was from when I was seventeen to the end of high school, and that's because I was too chicken-shit to break up with her and had to use graduation as an excuse." I laughed along with him. "Seriously, Bella. You're what I want. Forever."

"I'm not sure…what you're saying, Josh."

The hell you aren't sure.

He trailed his hand down my arm to my wrist, picked it up, and brought it to his lips in a gentle kiss. He pressed his mouth to each of my fingers, my palm, and up my arm to my neck. He lifted me up from his lap and sat across from me on the coffee table. We were almost eye to eye, as he was a substantial amount taller than I.

Josh's palm was against my cheek and a blush rose to warm his hand. "You're so beautiful, Bella, do you know that?" I cast my eyes down as my face reddened more. "Look at me," he gently asked. I obliged. "You know how they say New Year's is all about new beginnings, fresh starts, that kind of thing?" I nodded. "I know you've been hurt before, and your trust has been broken in the worst way. I promise I will never, never do anything to break your trust. I'll love you until the day I die. You're it for me, and I've been waiting for you for so long. I don't have a good track record. Like I said, no meaningful relationships. But that's how I know you're the one. You're the only one I've ever wanted to be with. The only one I'd ever give this to." He pressed a small velvet box on my knee, top open.

Two small, round diamonds held a sapphire between them on either side of a larger, teardrop-shaped diamond, set in old-looking gold. It shined and sparkled by the twinkle lights still up from my Christmas decorations.

"You're the only one I'd ever ask to marry me."

Tears built in my eyes. I wasn't expecting this. Wasn't it just a few hours ago I was debating with Alice about Josh vs. Edward? I couldn't say yes honestly to Josh, not when I was just sucking face with my own personal ghost twenty-four hours ago. I couldn't say no, either. Not when I loved him as much as I did, the need to be with him so fierce.

I licked my lips. "It's beautiful, Josh."

He smiled. "It's Nana's. She sent it over when I told her I was going to ask you. It should be your size already."

"You told your family you were going to ask me?" My voice quavered.

"Only her. She said after Papa died that it was mine when I found the woman I wanted to marry." He sounded a bit less confident than earlier. "If you don't like it, we can get something different. It's just that I know you don't like money spent on you, and you like things with history to them better than new stuff…" I put my finger to his lips to silence his rambling.

I smiled. "It is beautiful, Josh. Truly. I love it. But…you're right. I've been hurt before, badly. After my divorce I swore I would never marry again. I love you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm flying. But I need to find out what being married to you means for myself. I hate to ask you this, but can I have a little bit of time to think?"

His face fell. "Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I—I'm sorry, Bella." He snapped the ring box closed and passed it from hand to hand nervously. I lifted his chin up and kissed him sweetly.

"It's not a no. I just need to decide if I'm ready for marriage again."

"And if you're not?"

"Then…we'd take it from there. I wouldn't want to break up, if that's what you're asking. You have to admit, this is moving pretty fast. Three months."

"I know, I know. I can't help how I feel, though. And if you do decide this is what you want, we can set it for whenever you want. Six months from now, a year. If you say yes, I won't fuss about the date."

"Thank you." My eyes strayed to the clock in the dining area. "Twenty seconds to go. What's your New Year's wish?"

"You already know."

I smiled. "I suppose I do. I love you, Josh."

"I love you too, Isabella."

"You've never called me that."

He shrugged, leaning in to me. "It's a beautiful name." His lips touched mine just as the clock chimed midnight.

"What's your wish," he asked me as we broke apart.

"Can't tell you." I kissed him again. "Or it won't come true."

XOXO

I was preparing the lesson plan for the new semester when someone knocked at my door.

"Come in," I called. Kimber came through with her arms loaded with schoolwork. "Hey. What's up?"

"I can't think in there. Gran has her ol' country music cranked up and I can't get a thing done."

"Shouldn't you be done with your homework by now? School starts tomorrow, you know."

"I know. I got most'a it done, just ain't got the math finished. You mind if I do it here?"

I shrugged. "Not at all. I'm doing schoolwork myself." She sat at the opposite side of the coffee table on the floor and cracked open her math book and got to work. An hour later she finished and stretched. "God, finally."

"Pizza?" I asked. It was almost seven.

"No mushies."

"Mushies?"

"Mushrooms. They're gross."

"Coming from the girl with the happy toast earrings?"

"Don't'cha like 'em?" She waggled her head so her earrings shook beneath her hair.

"They're…unique." She laughed along with me. Kimber had an interesting style. She had this website she ordered all of her jewelry from and it was all cutsie-stuff. Little cupcakes and puffy clouds and bunnies with little smiles on them. Her shirts had Cookie-Monster and Animal and old soda signs on them, usually paired with colorful skinny jeans and cargo pants. It was a cute style, but the happy-face food inspired jewelry was definitely…well, like I said, unique.

We were munching on pizza when Kimber happened to look on the end table by the wall. "What is that?"

Crap. I thought I put that in my room.

"Uh…"

She picked it up and opened it. "Did he ask you to marry him!" She squealed and pulled the ring out.

"Well, yeah."

"So why ain't you wearing it?"

"I didn't say yes."

"What!"

"I didn't say no, either. I need to think about it."

"What's there to think about, you love him right?"

"You're my student, Kimber. What makes you think you should ask me these things?" I asked, irritated by her being kind of right.

"Get over it. You're a friend who happens to be my teacher, not my teacher who happens to be my neighbor. You love him?"

"Yeah."

"So what's the problem?"

I blew out a harsh puff of air and refilled my soda. I paced the living room as I talked. "There's a lot to think about, Kimber. When I was married before it wasn't because I loved him. I got pregnant and felt obligated. It ended badly. I don't want it to end up like that again."

"But you just said you love him. It's not like before. You're not pregnant again, are you?"

"Oh, God, no. No! I don't want to risk getting hurt again."

"You don't trust him?"

"No, I trust him completely."

"Then what's the problem?" She folded her arms across her chest, smirking.

I hate it when she's right.

"I—it's complicated."

Kimber rolled her eyes. "Please. Don't give me that tired ol' line."

I glowered at her.

"There someone else?"

"What would give you that idea?"

"'Cause that's the only reason I can think of you wouldn't wanna marry Josh."

"I…" I trailed off, unable to make myself tell the truth.

"You can trust me, Bella. I won't say a thing."

I studied her for a moment, then growled.

"Ok. Say, hypothetically, that there was someone you once felt so strongly for you thought you would die without. And when that person did leave, you kept on going. Sure it wasn't as good as before, but at least you proved to yourself that you could survive. Then you get burned again, worse in some ways, not as bad in others, but again you kept on going. Then you meet that new person, someone who treats you so good, and you love almost as much as the first person, and you want to be with that person. But hold on, the first person comes back, but because they left out of the blue you can't trust them completely anymore, and society would so hate you for being with them. But he promises the world, promises it'll be different this time, and you're so scared to try, and then the other guy asks you to marry him, then what do you do? What then? Do you do the good thing and marry the guy or do you do right by yourself and be with the first guy?"

Did I even breathe?

Wait…right and good?

Damn you, Alice.

Kimber was still sitting on my couch, eyes wide. She looked almost like one of those cartoons, with birdies circling her head. "So…wait. Josh is the third guy, right?" I nodded. "And your ex husband the second?" I nodded again. "So…does that make the third guy Alice's dad?"

"What? What gave you that idea?"

"You used'ta babysit for the family. Then they moved. If you were the babysitter you could've fallen for him, I can see that. He comes back and stirs things up, that's why you were so upset the first day of school, you were nervous about seeing him, wasn't you? And you can't be with him, because of the age thing, and he's still married. They ain't getting divorced, are they? Alice han't told me anything, and they seem so…normal, compared to most married people."

"Kimber, it's absolutely, positively, not Carlisle."

"It ain't?"

"No." She opened her mouth. "And I'm not going to tell you who it is."

She sat and thought for a moment. "Well…I'd have'ta say…do right by yourself. It may seem that the right thing to do, what society and everything anyone ever told'ja is telling you to go with Josh, but you have'ta do what's right for you."

"But it's so selfish. And I really do love Josh."

"Then think about it."

"That's what I told him I'd do. I'd let him know in a couple of days."

Kimber shrugged. "That's all I really know what to say, Bella."

"Thanks." Someone knocked at my door. I crinkled my brow and went to answer it.

Edward was on the other side of the door.

"Edward."

"We need to talk," he whispered lowly.

"I'm helping Kimber now, Edward. You're early for your tutoring session. You'll just have to wait."

"Actually, Bella, I think I got it. I gotta get home anyway. Thanks for your help. An' remember what I said."

"Thanks." She slipped across the hall and I let Edward in.

"What do you want?"

"He asked you to marry him."

"Keen observation. I suppose I have Alice to thank for that?"

"No. You have your rambling at Kimber to thank."

"Ugh. Did she really think I was after Carlisle?"

He stifled a smile. "Fortunately for our secret, yes. But that's not what I want to talk to you about."

"Are we going to talk or are you going to attack me again?"

"My intentions are perfectly honorable, Bella. I came only to ask your forgiveness for how horrible I acted last night."

"You're forgiven."

"Thank you." He stood, staring at me.

"What?"

"You said no?"

"Not that it's your business, but I said I'd think about it."

"Because of me?"

"Because I don't want to get hurt. Again. I don't want to be left feeling completely undesirable for the third time in my life."

A guilty look crossed Edward's face. "I told you I was sorry, Bella. I told you my reasons behind my leaving."

I sighed. "I know. I know, I'm sorry. It is how I felt, though."

"I wish I hadn't done that to you."

I shrugged.

"Are you going to say yes?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"I don't want you to."

"You gave up the right to influence my actions long ago."

"It doesn't change how I feel."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know," I sighed.

"You still love me." It wasn't a question.

"I know," I conceded.

"But you love him more."

"I trust him more. I love you the same."

"Lies."

"Are you just going to go around in circles all night or are you going to accept how I feel?"

He took my coat from the hook and gave it to me; I automatically put it on.

"Come with me, Bella." He held out his hand and I warily took it. He pulled led me to his car quickly and drove me up around Foys Lake road, took a sharp left into Lone Pine State Park, and drove me up to the parking lot at the top. He got out and opened my door for me.

"Are you nuts, Edward? It's covered in snow!"

"Do you trust me?"

"In theory?"

"Not good enough anymore. Give me your trust, just lend it to me for now if you have to. Let me show you that I've learned from my mistakes."

I grumbled but took his hand and let him lead me up the short, slippery hike to the summit. The sun was setting behind us, and the glaciers slightly to the left glowed in orange and pink. The clouds made the mountain range in front of us a dark blue, with curtains of white snow tinted purple.

"Growing up, I never doubted the existence of God." Edward came up behind me as I leant over the stone wall keeping us—me—from meeting a sticky end on the hiking trail way below. I let myself relax slightly. "I wasn't spiritual, and I never formed my own opinions. But I never doubted that He was there. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. On the first day, He made light. On the second, sky and water. Then the division of land and water. On the fourth day, He created that." Edward pointed to the moon, risen slightly over the mountain range, opulent-looking in the dusk and reflecting the same pink-orange that was on the glaciers. "And that." He thumbed over his shoulder where I didn't have to look to know the sun was setting. "And the stars that will be coming out soon. After that, He created the birds, and the sea creatures. And then animals.

"Finally, He created man. And from man He took a rib, and created a companion, someone Adam could talk with on the same level as himself. Someone to share the animals and the garden with. As a young man, I was raised to believe that a woman is subservient to a man. Her place was in the home with the children. Marriage was not about love. They were not partners, not companions, just…convenience. A way to obtain status or wealth. It confused me that the people who raised me together and were the most important people in my life were as good as strangers to each other for how much affection they had.

"Love was the stuff of fairy tales until Carlisle brought home Esme. I saw from that first day how he felt for her. I asked him to explain to me what he was feeling, but I couldn't understand from his descriptions. I came to Esme and asked her, and she told me something her parents, who were very much in love even from childhood, told me.

"She said, 'Edward, do you recall the story from the Bible, when God created Eve? How He put Adam into a sleep and took a rib from him, and formed Eve with it. That way the two could really become one flesh, though they shared no blood. I believe that when God creates His children, He decides who will be best for the other, and takes a rib straight from the man and puts it into the woman. He puts them in their mother's wombs and they spend their whole lives searching for each other. A man searching for his flesh in the woman it was given to. When they find each other, they can finally be whole together.'

"Does it make any sense to you, Bella?"

I nodded my head, still staring out at the mountains, gradually growing darker and darker.

"Do you understand why I love you so? You are my other half."

"Where does that leave Josh? He believes I am his other half."

Edward sighed. "I don't know. I only know what I know, and that is that you were made for me."

"Edward, if you hadn't been changed you would be long dead before I was born. Do you really expect God to hang on to your rib for so long before creating me?"

"Expect? I don't expect God to do anything. No…but I wouldn't put it past Him."

"If you believe that, then you have to believe that He would know you would end up as a vampire, and therefore how can you believe you are damned?"

"Hmm…you have a point, my Bella. I will have to think on that." He nuzzled his nose into my neck and drew in a deep breath. He kissed there as he breathed out.

"I want you to choose me."

"I know."

"I want you to marry me."

I groaned. "I guessed as much."

"I am willing to change you this time."

"Excuse me?" I squeezed out of his embrace and turned to face him angrily.

"I am willing to change you if you accept me."

"What, are you trying to bribe me?"

His jaw dropped open; a look of shock crossed his face. "No, that's not what I meant at all!"

"You are such an ass!"

He put his hands up in surrender. "Listen to me, that's not—"

"Take me home."

"Would you just—"

"Now!" I stomped my foot in the snow. Some trickled in and I tried not to flinch and ruin my angry glare.

Edward got close to me. It was the first time I had ever seen him angry at me, and it scared me. He threw his arms up in the air. "Fine! You are a stubborn, hypocritical woman who can't see what's in front of her face! If you marry this man you'll be making a huge mistake, but see if I stop you! I'm done! I'm done trying to change your mind, trying to change your heart! If you change your mind, I'll be here, but I'm done pouring out my heart to convince you that I am the right decision! I won't touch you, I won't kiss you, I won't argue anymore. I'm done. I'm tired of sacrificing myself to gain your trust. I've done all I can, it's up to you to realize it. Come on. Let's go." He turned from me and walked down the hill. I followed, stunned.

The ride back to my apartment was dead-silent and I got out without saying a word; he pealed out of the parking lot.

Inside my apartment, I stood in the living room, still stunned. How dare he yell at me? Hypocritical? Making a huge mistake? How was marrying Josh a mistake? I loved him. Realize what? Stupid damn vampire. What did he know?

I dove for the box on the coffee table, shoved it in my coat pocket, and ran downstairs to my truck. The ten minutes to Josh's I smoked to keep my mind off thinking. I popped about five breath mints, sprayed myself with body spray (convenient for hiding cigarette smell during school) and ran up Josh's walk, miraculously not spraining my ankle on the icy-slick concrete in the process. I banged on the door.

Josh had barely opened the door when I threw myself at him. I wrapped my arms as best as I could around his neck and tugged him down into a deep kiss. After the shock wore off, he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me back.

I pulled away after a few minutes and looked at him.

"Bella. What was that about?" he panted.

"Yes."

"Yes…? Yes? Yes!" He hugged me tight.

"Yes. Yes, Josh, I'll marry you."

"Oh, God, Bella. Thank you. Thank you so much." He took my left hand. "Why aren't you wearing the ring?"

"I figured you'd want to do the honors." I pulled the ring box out of my pocket and handed it to him. He slipped the gorgeous ring onto my finger and smiled down at me. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Josh. Always."

So why do I feel like the bottom just dropped out?