Is everyone ready for Bella to get her head out of her butt? I know I am. This chapter Bella sees reason (cue applause). Thank you for my lovely readers. You are all incredibly awesome.
S.M owns all. It's funny, whenever I see her initials I think of Sailor Moon.
Enjoy! XOXO-Ka
Right Vs. Good
by: JudeOrion
Chapter 14: Wanting
My day had gradually gone from bad to worse. Well, it started Friday evening, really, when Mike called and said he couldn't drop off Nicky Saturday because he had a nasty ear infection. So with my schedule suddenly clear I decided to do some more wedding work. No dice; the Cullens were going hunting in Glacier National Park this weekend but Alice could stay behind if I wanted? No, I told her. I could see how excited she was about having some time with Jasper.
I ended up inviting Kimber over for a movie marathon. So eleven-thirty Friday night found us finishing up Sleepless in Seattle with weepy eyes and bellies bloated with popcorn and ice cream.
"Seattle's a beautiful city," she said.
"Yeah. In its own way. Too wet and cloudy for me, but pretty."
"Ok, what next?" Kimber opened the cupboard on the TV stand and rifted through the DVD's there.
I yawned for the umpteenth time that night. "I think I want to go to bed. I'm exhausted."
"Oh. Ok. I guess I'll see you Monday then?" She looked really upset that our evening was coming to a close. She slowly closet the cabinet door and turned to face me.
"What's up?" I asked. She shrugged. "Things worse?" A nod. "You want to stay here tonight?"
"Can I?"
"Sure. You can sleep in Nicky's bed. Here, I'll change the sheets for you real quick." Kimber followed me to the bedroom and helped me change the sheets. Then she sat on the bed, looking on the verge of tears.
"What's wrong?" I asked, sitting next to her.
"Gran just told me today. My dad died. He had a heart attack." A tear fell down her cheek.
"Oh, Kimber. How come you didn't tell me earlier?"
She shrugged. "Tried not to care. He left me 'n my mom when I was a kid, you know? I didn't wanna give a shit what happened to him. Does that make me a bad person?" she asked.
I thought about my mom. It wasn't the exact same situation, but she left my dad all the same. Not long after I moved to Forks I realized for the first time just what it did to him. He never got over her. She hurt him too badly. If she had left me behind? I couldn't say I wouldn't feel the same way Kimber did. I told her so, and she looked at me sadly.
"But I feel bad. He was my dad, after all. Even after he left we were best friends. Then he just dropped out of my life and it was like he weren't ever there to begin with." Kimber slumped onto my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around her and cuddled her to me.
"I know. I know." We sat like that for a few minutes; I had a vision of doing this same thing with my own daughter and lamented that I wouldn't be able to do it for her one day. Never the same situation, of course, but she would have had bad days. And I wouldn't be able to comfort her on them. So I held on to Kimber with all the love I could give her and she finally stopped sobbing. She leaned up and smiled at me.
"Thanks. Sorry."
I pushed a piece of hair out of her face. "Don't be sorry. I told you; I'm here for you whenever you need me, ok?"
Kimber nodded and smiled wanly at me.
"Can I ask you something?" She nodded. "How did you get that scar?"
She took a deep breath and sighed it out hard. "It was what I got taken from my mom for. She was cooking meth an' I was on the lawn out front an' she an' my brother come running out the house an' next thing I know I'm waking up with ambulance people around me. The house exploded. I got burnt. It hurt like hell but…I got through it. An' when they tested me, I was totally clean. I never had any meth in my life."
"Good. I'm proud of you."
She just smiled at me.
I had another nightmare that night and spent from three a.m. on wandering the apartment, unable to sleep.
So, because last night had been crap, I didn't expect today to be much better. And it wasn't.
It was a sunny day, and the forecast predicted it to last through Tuesday. That meant that the Cullens would probably be "moving" soon, so I wouldn't see them inside school anymore.
Kimber got up around 8 and zoned out in front of the TV while I made us breakfast. Josh joined us while we were finishing up and the three of us sat around the apartment relaxing and bs-ing until a little before seven, when Kimber went home to get ready for a date with Nelson. I warned her to be good and she just smirked and rolled her eyes at me. I smiled at her snarkiness and sat next to Josh on the couch.
"She sure is a sweet kid," I said as I snuggled into Josh's side. He made a non-committal noise and I looked up at him. "Are you angry with me?"
"No." He wouldn't look me in the eye.
"Why am I not convinced?"
He huffed and flipped to a sports program, ignoring me. I got up and started cleaning up the kitchen. Watching sports was, as I had come to recognize, Josh's way of calming down and sorting out his thoughts when he was upset. Cleaning the kitchen was mine. I was content to shove dishes into the dishwasher and clang around pots in the sink until my irritation had dissipated. What the hell was up with him? Why wasn't he telling me why he was so angry? He hadn't come over angry. It seemed to develop as the hours progressed.
I had the dishwasher running, the pots drying on a towel, and the counters sprayed down with vinegar water by the time Josh came and stood in the doorway.
"Don't step on my clean floor," I warned him coldly. I was mopping my way out of the room and I could sense him behind me.
"I wasn't going to." His voice was as harsh as mine was. It made me angrier. What right did he have to be mad at me?
"So you going to tell me what's up or are you just going to lurk behind me all night?"
"I'm worried."
"About?" I straightened up and propped the mop upside down in the doorway while the floor dried.
"Don't get mad, ok? I've been trying to figure out how to put this so you won't get upset. So just…listen to what I have to say." I nodded for him to go ahead. Josh took a deep breath and started talking.
"I'm worried about you and your friendship with Kimber. She's your student."
"And she was my neighbor before that. What does it even matter if she is? She lives across the hall from me."
"It matters because I don't want to see you lose your job, that's why. People are going to suspect something's going on."
Anger coiled itself in my chest like a snake. "What do you mean, 'something'? She's a girl, Josh, a sad and lonely girl. What am I supposed to do, just let her bear it while I watch? I'm not that person."
He should have looked ashamed, but he didn't. He just kept going. "Teachers are not supposed to get involved with their students!"
"No, they're not, as a general rule. But managers aren't supposed to get involved with their employees, either, are they?"
"That's different. She's just some random girl! She's the daughter of a meth-head, and she's only going to go down the same path, no matter how hard you try to help her. Let it go!"
A memory smacked me in the face.
"Eventually he could very well be institutionalized, Mr. and Mrs. Newton. There's nothing that can be done. I suggest a course of psychiatric care in Pathways*, then we can go from there. Children who suffer severe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder often don't recover. They can lead a life of drug abuse, physical violence, and other self-destructive behaviors. These will lead him straight to jail or death. The parents are the key in making sure this doesn't happen, and let's face it…there are the…uh…allegations against the attentiveness in your mothering, Mrs. Newton."
I saw red. In one short and coldly-stated memorized verse, he had called me an inattentive mother and said that my son was going to end up in jail or dead because of it; he said all this right in front of him. I took Nicky by the hand and gently tugged him up and placed him behind me. I got in the psychiatrist's face.
"Never. Ever. Tell a mother that she doesn't care about her child. What makes you think you have the right to say anything like that?"
"Well…Mrs. Newton…I—I have a degree in psy—"
"A degree? Well. That makes you a great father, then doesn't it? That makes all the difference in the world. You must be the best parent ever!"
"I don't have any children, Mrs. Newton."
"No wonder you're stupid enough to suggest a child is going to end up in jail or dead because of their mother, right in front of both of them." I turned around and faced Mike, who had been shocked silent throughout the whole thing. "I want a divorce," I mouthed to him so Nicky wouldn't hear. "Come on, Buddy, we're going. Let's go get some ice cream. By the way," I called as I opened the door. "I have a degree in education. I know more about children than you ever could. They have all the hope in the world, no matter what they've been through."
I snapped out of the memory with a shake of my head. It was right after Grace died, when Nicky stopped talking. Now, talking with Josh, the same fury from then made my vision darken. The snake in my chest sprung. Over the months I had come to love Kimber; not quite as much as I had loved Grace, but I did love her. And Josh had attacked her. I knew Kimber would die before following her family, and she had the scar on her face to prove it.
I was a bear protecting her cub, just like in that cold psychiatrist's office. I stepped up to Josh and drew up to my full height. The look on his face told me he knew he had crossed a line.
"Kimber doesn't have anyone else to help make sure she doesn't do exactly what you're accusing her of. Who do you think you are, condemning her to a life like that? I've seen what she's struggled through, and if you ever had to face what she's had to push past, you wouldn't make it." My voice was deathly quiet.
"What's up with you?" He asked. He backed away so I wasn't in his space, but I stepped back up to him. Stalking him like my prey.
"I love Kimber like my own. You will not insult her again. Are we understood?"
Josh hung his head. "Yes."
"Good."
He looked like he wanted to say something else.
"Get it out, Joshua. Tell me what else is up with you or this will just be a giant lump in our relationship." I'd never used his full name before. I suddenly knew why Edward used it; he knew I was serious when I used the whole of it.
"Well…it still makes me…nervous."
"What does?" I grouched. He was about three seconds from getting his ass kicked out, going around and around like this.
"You being so close to your students. I mean, what if someone…uh…mistook your…friendliness?"
"I have never been…creepy with Kimber, that's just wrong! I just said, I care for her like a daughter. That's all." Yes, ok, I may have spoke to him condescendingly for that. But he was really pushing the limit.
"You're going to get fired, Bella!"
"For what? Befriending a lonely girl? Her father is dead, her mother and brother are in jail, and her grandmother doesn't give a crap about her! What do you expect me to do?" Could he really be this callous?
"It's not about Kimber. It's about the Cullen family."
"What are you talking about?" I asked, suddenly cautious.
"Alice and Rose are one thing, but with the boys always hanging out around you, people are going to accuse you of being the next Mary Kay Letourneau, Bella. Use your head!"
"What are you insinuating?" More blind fury.
"Nothing," he mumbled. He knew he was in deep shit. Good.
"No, not 'nothing'. What the hell did you mean by that?"
"Edward."
"What about him?" Guilt, anger, indignation.
"Please. He's got some sort of adolescent crush on you, you know it. I see the way he looks at you. The way he opens doors for you, follows you around, pulls your chair out. I thought it was funny at first, but I see the way you look at him, too. You like him back."
"You're wrong." My voice was weak. Yes, we had kissed, but it never went far…it was always stopped…
You started it at the dance. You didn't even think of Josh then, did you? It was all Edward.
Yes, but…I wouldn't have let it go on much longer…
Sure. He has every right not to trust you.
If he knew about our past, he would understand.
Bullshit alert! Everyone duck and cover!
Shut up.
"I'm not."
"You think I'm cheating on you." Sure, Josh had every reason to suspect I had kissed Edward while he and I were together. I was still angry at him from earlier, though. Angry at myself. And it made me act irrationally even if I was thinking otherwise. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and dared him with just a look on my face to accuse me.
"No," he backpedaled. I could see him thinking how he could twist his words around to make it sound like he wasn't implying but was at the same time. "I know you wouldn't do that. But the way you two act around each other makes me…I don't know. Wonder."
I sensed him. He was outside, in the tree again. I had a surge of wanting course through my body. And it wasn't for the man in front of me.
It hit me like a hammer.
Wrong. This. Is. Wrong.
Being with Josh was wrong. I didn't want him. I had tried so many ways to convince myself that it was what I wanted, what I needed. That he was, but he wasn't. He was just a way for me to deny that I was for Edward. Of course. God, how could I be so stupid?
I had to get Josh out so I could talk to Edward. I took the ring off my finger, and under the guise of anger and indignation at being accused of cheating, put it in Josh's hand.
"You can wonder in your own house."
He stared at the ring for a few seconds in shock. His head fell. "Fine," he said in his quietest voice.
He stomped his way into the hall. I fell onto my knees as a wave of guilt and remorse and shame rolled over me. I stared crying as he put his shoes and coat on. I almost called him back to apologize and recant my decision.
Almost—but I didn't. He slammed the door behind him and I burst out in heaving sobs.
Oh, God, what did I do? I hurt him so badly. How can I make this right?
You can't.
I started beating the floor with my fists in anger. Each blow only served to frustrate me more.
I felt cold arms wrap around my shoulders and hands take my wrists to stop me from pounding.
"Hey. Hey, shh. It's ok, Bella. Stop that, you're going to hurt yourself." That smooth voice. It calmed me immediately. Erased the anger. I slumped against his chest and cried. I cried and cried and he rocked me, smoothing his hands over my back.
When I had cried all the tears I could cry, and calmed down to just hiccups, I looked up at him. His eyes were sad, and there was a little crease between his eyebrows out of worry.
I wanted to tell him about my revelation. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I wanted him, that I had been wrong this whole time. I wanted to let him know that he was the one, he was it for me. I wanted to beg forgiveness for all the hurt I had caused him.
So, like I had been every time it came to Edward, I became flustered and made a total vocabulary idiot of myself.
"Hi."
"Hi," he whispered in response, with just a touch of a small sad smile gracing his mouth.
Then I demonstrated another show of idiocy. I rose so I was face-to-face with him and kissed him. He didn't do anything, just sat there under my lips and I worried that I was too late, that I wasted his patience, that I had done something wrong. I was about to remove myself from him when he tightened his arms around my shoulders and responded with such force it removed me of my sensibility. I forgot that he was a vampire, that he could lose composure and hurt me. He was a man, despite his icy lips and stone chest pressed against my soft one.
I opened my mouth and licked his lips, begging for him to part them for me. After only a moments' hesitation he responded and I thrust my tongue to meet his with a groan. I knew this wouldn't tell him how I felt, or what had come to me. The only way I could think of to let him know was the most vulnerable way.
I took back my tongue and said, against his lips, "Please, Edward…" I couldn't get it out.
"What?" His voice was strained with want.
I felt ridiculous saying it. It was cheesy and cliché and it made me sound like a hussy. But it was the only phrase I could think of in this fog of lust messing with my brain.
"Please make love to me."
He leaned back and looked at me.
"Bella?"
"Don't make me say it again. I already feel like enough of an idiot saying that."
"But what about Josh?"
I held up my left hand. "I gave it back. I realized something."
Edward put his hand on my face. "What was that?" He whispered.
"I love you."
"I already knew that."
"You're the one I want." I murmured it so low I hoped he wouldn't hear it. Stupid vampire hearing.
"Say it again." He nuzzled my neck and placed a wet kiss at my pulse point.
"I want you."
"Not just for sex?"
"Not just for sex."
I shuddered as his breath tickled my ear and I felt him smile against my skin.
"I love you, too." His lips were on mine and he leaned me onto the floor.
He was slipping his hand under my tank top, running circles into my stomach when the phone rang.
"Ignore it," I said.
He reached up to my nipple and tweaked it. The voicemail came up.
"Bella?" Mike's voice was frantic. I was up off the floor in an instant. "Bella! Are you screening your calls? Answer, damn—"
I yanked the phone off the hook. "What's wrong?"
"It's Nicky. You need to meet us at the hospital."
"I'm leaving now." Edward was already up and adjusting his erection under his waistband.
"I'm driving," he said.
Oh, God, please let him be ok.
Ooh, cockblocked.