Chapter 9
Soifon felt air being pounded into her lungs, her head clearing up.
Apparently she'd been hurt somehow, but she didn't remember the reason.
Fresh air was coming through her mouth, and she opened her eyes to see everyone staring at her, and -
Soifon didn't bother to wait to see the person who was performing CPR on her because she already knew who she was.
"AAAAHHHHH!!!!"
Soifon woke up, sweating and swearing that she was going to murder her lieutenant.
Whatever it was, Hanatarou was beginning to feel a lot more scared than he normally should have.
His sweating palms gripped the edge of the table, and his eyes darted anywhere but his captain's scowling face, which, unfortunately, was directed straight at him, nailing him to his seat in sheer terror.
Finally it was too much. The scowl hit bull's eye.
"I'M SO SORRY TAICHOU FOR WHATEVER I DID WRONG! I'M SO SORRY I'M SO SORRY-"
"GET UP, YAMADA!" bellowed Soifon wearily, pointing angrily where Hanatarou had prostrated himself on the flow in mid-bow.
"H-hai, I'm sorry Taichou!"
"Finish off every scrap of paperwork," snapped Soifon, getting up and storming to the office.
"H-hai, Taichou!"
Hanatarou just knew that it wasn't going to be a good day. The paperwork had piled high because yet more Menos attacks, and more scouting. Soon Hanatarou's hand was getting number and number, and Soifon checking on him and glaring didn't help.
"T-taichou?" he squeaked when Soifon's head appeared in front of him behind a pillar of paperwork, glaring right at him. It was scary how she did that, he thought, quailing in fear as she glowered at him.
"What, Yamada?"
"I-I was wondering if we really have to do all of this-"
"I expect you to finish them by ten."
"N-nani!!" Hanatarou frantically checked the clock. One hour.
"You heard me. You'd better hurry."
She walked out the door, and Hanatarou frantically wrote in a mad dash to please his captain.
The day didn't get any better. Soifon had ordered him to send in the reports, and while carrying giant piles, it was only predictable that he'd knock into some unfortunate shinigami and then send the papers flying. Then while apologizing and scrambling to place back papers, he'd knock even more down.
After apologizing to Komamura (Hanatarou hadn't knocked him over, it was vice versa) and managing to pick them up, he finally had managed to send in every report not quite crumpled.
Soifon had told him to report to the training grounds (Soifon had ripped up every coconut tree she could find to shreds,) and Hanatarou dashed in, before sprawling and skidding to a stop before his taichou. At least this time he hadn't knocked her over.
"Yamada," Soifon drawled, looking at him from above, "you'll need to learn how to control your running."
"H-hai, Taichou!"
"Right," Soifon looked around idly. She thought she had just the idea.
"I ordered a crate full of hell butterflies just for you."
"W-why, T-taichou?"
"It'll be arriving soon enough," drawled Soifon, and sure enough, a Stealth Force member reported in, dropping off a large crate.
Soifon kicked the crate with little ceremony, and the hell butterflies flew out in a mad cloud of black before branching out across the training grounds.
"W-what are we doing with them?"
"It's not we, it's you."
"Erm, what am I d-doing with them?"
"You'll be chasing butterflies."
"N-nani?!"
"You're awfully clumsy and slow, Yamada, so what better way than to chase butterflies to improve?" replied Soifon, smirking. "By the way, there's five hundred butterflies, and I expect everyone of them not squashed and back in the crate. Don't worry, once they're in, they won't go back out unless I release them. So, you'd better hurry."
"NOOO!" Hanatarou ran at the nearest butterfly, which practically drifted away lazily before Hanatarou tripped over his own two feet.
Soifon critically eyed the lieutenant chasing the black butterflies that weren't even trying to get away. She was pretty sure she had the best creative training methods than most of the other Captains of the Gotei 13. Unorthodox as they were, they worked. (At least she was pretty sure the mad chase with Kenpachi did)
"We'll continue tomorrow," said Soifon eventually. The crate had three butterflies in them for a few hours hard work. At least these would also improve his shunpo. "you'll be doing this everyday until you can catch them in less than ten minutes."
"NANI?!?!?"
Ignoring him, Soifon continued. "Let's go."
As they walked on, Soifon's sharp ears detected a mewl. Soifon spun around, eying a black cat stuck in a tree.
Yoruichi-sama....
"Yamada! Your next training: get the cat!"
"WHA?!"
"You heard me. Get the cat."
"C-couldn't we just get a ladder?"
"We don't have time," snapped Soifon. "If you can't even get a cat, then how can you be a lieutenant?"
"H-hai!" squeaked Hanatarou. He ran up to the tree.
He gulped when he saw it. It was the kind of tree that towered above everything else with several branches, and with a thin trunk.
And the stupid kitty had gotten stuck at the very top. He was surprised that his Taichou had even spotted it.
Hanatarou realized that Soifon was right, and that a ladder wouldn't even have gotten him far up. He desperately clawed at the trunk.
"Need a boost?" asked Soifon wryly, appearing behind him.
"H-hai!"
Soifon nodded, and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck.
"Uh, Taichou, wh-what are you d-doing?"
"Giving you a boost," replied Soifon. For god sake's, the boy was light as a feather.
Then she reared back, and with a scream (from Hanatarou), she threw him.
"HIYEEEEEE!!!!!!"
Soifon had an extremely good arm, and Hanatarou flew high into the sky, wailing.
"FLASH STEP TO THE TREE, YAMADA!" bellowed Soifon.
"WHAAA?! I CAN'T!!"
"DO IT, OR ELSE!"
"WHY!!"
"BECAUSE I SAID SO!" yelled back Soifon, replying with that classic line.
Hanatarou managed a feeble flash step in mid fall (or mid flying) and at least he whacked into a branch. He nearly slid off, but he frantically grabbed it, and attempted to slow his pounding heartbeat.
"Get the cat!" he head Soifon's yell, as he groaned. Whimpering, he began a slow ascent.
"HURRY UP!" It seemed his domineering captain had somehow acquired a megaphone.
Hanatarou whimpered as he approached the higher branches. The cat had gotten stuck in the whippiest branches, ones that would never had supported anyone's weight. Maybe Yachiru, but why would Yachiru be here?
"Hi, Hana-chan!"
Speak of the devil....
Hanatarou slowly turned around.
"K-Kusajishi-fukutaichou?"
"Hana-chan! Whatcha doin' here?"
"Um, the cat?"
"Oh! Baldy said there was candy up here, so I went, while he trained!" chirped Yachiru. It was clear that Yachiru had been interfering with Ikkaku's training, so Ikkaku had sent her off.
"Uh, um, Kusajishi-fukutaichou! I'll get you a lot of candy!"
"Really? Thank you, Hana-chan!"
"If you could just get me that cat, I'll get you a sack of candy!" Hanatarou sweat dropped. He'd just drop by Captain Ukitake and hope he could get a lot.
"Okay!" Hanatarou sighed in relief, waiting as the pink haired girl crawled up to the high branches.
The girl easily reached the most precarious branches, before swooping up to grab the kitty, who mewled.
"Got him, Hana-chan! Where's my candy?"
"Uh, I'll have to go down first to get it!"
"Okay! I'll be waiting down there for you!"
"Wha?! Wait, the kitty-"
"Candy first, then kitty!" chirped Yachiru, before she jumped off and began to free fall. Yet, she began to shunpo easily in mid air, so that she wouldn't actually fall all the way.
"WHEEE!! This is fun!!!"
Hanatarou had blue lines running down his face. It seemed that the twelfth squad's pink haired lieutenant knew how to bargain and shunpo. He turned to go back down, and his face turned white.
He couldn't get down either.
Soifon tapped her foot impatiently, before being bombed by a ball of pink and fur.
"Hii!!!" Soifon gazed at Yachiru, holding a shaking cat, it's tail and fur shooting straight up.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh! Hana-chan promised me a sackful of candy when he came down and I had the cat."
Soifon smirked. So Hanatarou had bargained for Yoruichi....yet as she inspected the cat, it was actually a shade lighter than Yoruichi-sama.....
"Never mind, I'll get you two sackfuls of candy from Ukitake," replied Soifon offhandedly. If it wasn't Yoruichi-sama, there was no point.
"YAAYY!"
"Now go back to Ken-chan. You can release the cat now."
"Okay!"
Soifon walked off, forgetting about both cat and boy stuck in the tree.
"WAAHHHHHH!" Hanatarou wailed as he searched frantically for a way down. His shunpo wouldn't be enough to get him down safely from that immense height.
"HELP MEEEE!!!"
Byakuya had been walking around nonchalantly, Renji shut in the 6th division office doing paperwork. Byakuya had decided that wandering around by his pond had been beginning to be a good idea, and had went somewhere else, until he heard a familiar voice, faintly shouting for help.
He turned around suspiciously, staring up at an immense tree, before squinting at the Second Division's hapless lieutenant.
"Ah!! BYAKUYA-TAICHOU!" the figure screeched. "I'M SO SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT COULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME DOWN FROM HERE?!"
Byakuya raised an eyebrow. This brat had caused him nothing but trouble, and yet...he had an idea.
"Chire, Senbonzakura...."
"NOOOOOOO!!!!"
The petals easily cut through the thin trunk, and the tree began to fall, first as a creaking groan, and then it became louder, drowning out the wails and pleas of Hanatarou.
Byakuya sheathed his sword and walked off. Yes, he had a sadistic side too.
The tree fell with an earthshaking crash. Hanatarou was pinned beneath the branches, and he whimpered. Thank god, he was still alive, and mostly unscathed.
Yes, it had been a bad day.
Author's note: Aw! Poor Hanatarou! I feel so sorry for him....but it's still funny. ^^ If you don't know what was going on in the beginning, Soifon was having a nightmare that Hanatarou performed CPR on her in public XD