A/N: Super duper thanks to the Grammar Guru: TwilightMundi. I don't even want to know how many mistakes are in here. I just know you deserve some form of pleasure for each one you find. Thank you for making this less offensive. I love you.
Thank you for the amazing response to the last chapter. Some of you are too smart for my own good. While some of you are even more sadistic that I am! Good thing for GB that YOU aren't writing this! Ha! Ha!
Things are changing for Golden Boy. His world was just turned upside down. Be patient with him. He may just surprise you.
8==D
When last we saw GB:
He continued to rant as I sat there staring at his feet. I blocked out what he was saying. All I could hear was him saying "she's my baby sister" on repeat.
Then it hit me: She wasn't dating my arch nemesis! Bella Swan was Emmett McCarty's sister? Oh, thank you, GOD!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
8==D
FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!
I lay in bed thinking about how four little words had changed my entire outlook on life. Just hours earlier Emmett told me that Bella, who I'd previously thought he was doing the dirty with, was his sister. His little sister. While initially I was relieved to hear that he wasn't stuffing his sausage into her canolli, the reality of the situation came crashing down around me: Bella Swan was Emmett McCarty's baby sister. Emmett's. AKA, the bane of my existence.
No way in hell he's ever gonna let you anywhere near that sweet snatch.
Damn, Shat. Don't ever refer to her "snatch" again. I don't give a fuck how sweet it is.
You know, Golden Boy, you're just as fucked now as you were when you thought they were playing "hide the pepperoni." Only now there's more of a chance Em will kill you if you go anywhere near his BABY SISTER! Bahahahahaha!
The ass in my head continued to laugh like a hyena.
That's it, Shit-ner, keep right on laughing, 'cause I'm going to look into anti-psychosis meds ASAP. Then we'll see who has the last laugh.
Threaten me all you want, but you know I'm right. You thought you didn't have a chance with her before? Now you have a better chance of winning Miss America than you do of getting in Miss Bella's ruffled panties.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, bud. Wait, how do you know she has ruffled panties? Why don't I know this shit? And don't expect a "thank you" when I make my acceptance speech in my sash and tiara.
Like they'd let a dog like you in the competition. Humph! Besides your balls aren't big enough to be considered a pair of saggy tits, even if you think they are.
Bite me, Shatner.
We're sorry, but the party you are trying to reach is no longer available. Please try again later when you're less of a fucktard. Beeeeep.
Even the voice in my head wanted nothing to do with me. I rolled over with a groan, only to be answered by a groan of a different kind from my roommate. It sounded like his latest attempt at the World Record was in full effect and it was "Game on!" I wasn't sticking around for the "results."
8==D
I decided I needed to clear my head of all the voices - well, one voice actually. The best way to do that was a long, hard run. That or a long hard fuck, but the chances of that were slim to none, so I settled for the next best thing. I threw on some basketball shorts and my newest shirt that had the Delts' Greek letters emblazoned across the chest. After pulling on my running shoes and grabbing my iPhone and ear buds, I sprinted down the stairs of the frat house and out onto the street.
The song filling my ears helped me set a moderate pace as I felt my feet pound against the pavement to the beat. I could feel the tension ebbing from my body as the street flowed under me. I needed a plan. A fucking ingenious plan. I was smart enough to figure this shit out; I just needed to think about it rationally and not in terms of the shortest route to getting laid. If that required me stuffing my jockey shorts with ice to numb my dick into submission, then so be it. There was a slight risk of frostbite, but Bella Swan was worth it.
I waited for a smart ass remark from the Shat to echo in my head, but none came. There was only one voice in my head and that was my own.
Huh, looks like I found something to shut the prick up. Now if I could just find a way to keep running the rest of my life, then I'd be rid of him forever.
The song shifted, and the pace of the next one forced me to push harder. I could feel my heart pumping furiously, forcing blood and oxygen to my brain. When the beat of the next song brought me back down I was flying high on endorphins and ready to figure some shit out. This wasn't going to be easy. My life was on the line. At the very least my dick was. I wasn't clear on a lot of things, but I was positive that Emmett McCarty would have no problem castrating me to keep me away from his sister. I still wasn't sure how they were related. Maybe that was an important part of the puzzle. I started a mental list of what I did and didn't know about Bella. It quickly became obvious that the "Didn't Know" list was much longer than the "Did Know." It was clear that I had my work cut out for me.
This much I knew: I liked Bella, a fucking lot. Bella was tied by DNA or marriage to Emmett. Bella seemed to have somewhat of an interest in me. I liked Bella enough to risk bodily harm to find out just how much she was interested-or not interested-in me.
Yeah, not a lot to go on.
What I need is an ally. Someone who would either knowingly or unknowingly help me get "in" with Bella, and keep Emmett from killing me in the meantime.
I thought about the people I knew who could possibly help me survive this potentially fatal endeavor. Yes, I knew big words; I didn't get to UF on football alone, and my vocabulary did consist of more than the "fuck" and "shit" I was well known for dropping. But this just illustrated my main problem; no one took me seriously, but who could blame them? All I had ever been was the Golden Ticket, The Midas Touch, the Really Great Lay; no matter what you called me I was no more than a prize. Between that and my sudden inability to do a damn thing right without either fucking it up or looking like an asstard, I was certain this whole thing was doomed to blow up in my face before it even got started. And with explosions there are usually casualties. In this case it would be me in the body bag. Note to self: call home and ask Mom to bury me with my football signed by Dan Marino and my high school jersey.
Who could I get to help me?
I paged through my mental Rolodex of people who might be willing to donate some time to the "Get Edward Laid" cause.
I can't think about her that way. I want more than that from her. What exactly, I'm just not sure. Who would be on my side? It needs to be someone who I can trust, someone who won't run and tell McCarty what I'm doing the second I walk away. That knocks Alice out. She can't keep her big fucking trap shut about anything. I can just see her blabbing to Jasper and them both vomiting the fact that I'm interested in Emmett's baby sister. Ew. I gotta stop thinking as her as that, too, or I'll never get close to her. That takes Jazz out of the running, too.
I thought about the other handful of mutual friends we had. There weren't that many. I had become a social pariah since coming to UF. She did know that Malory chick who was in our Music class, but I worried that Malory would just see it as me coming on to her. She'd already offered certain favors of the sexual nature, and believe me when I say that is not a cooch I would ever want to be shoving Little Eddie in. Severely hazardous working conditions, if you know what I mean. Besides, there was only one female whose cooch I wanted to be intimately acquainted with, not that her mountain of a brother needed to know that fact. Not yet at least. That's when it hit me...
Emmett! He was my biggest asset! Sure he was also my biggest obstacle, but I could use his obscene size as an advantage. You know what they say: the bigger they are, the harder they fall. And who had the big lug fallen for like a ton of bricks? Rosalie Hale. She was his Achilles' heel, his soft spot, so to speak. It just so happened that she wanted nothing to do with him. Fortunately for me, she seemed to have taken a bit of a shine to me. Ironic that the object of my nemesis' desires would find him repulsive and find me endearing. Who would have guessed that the fucker had a heart, but judging from the show he put on in the locker room I'd say that not only did he have one, but his poor wittle heart was wounded. It appeared that the fastest way to Emmett McCarty's heart wasn't his stomach; nope, it was his ego. By refusing his advances she had cemented her place in his "Must Have NOW" caveman cave. But how could this information work for me?
Pfft! The guy had practically begged me to help him in the locker room yesterday! All I have to do is play my cards right and not only will I have an ally, but I might just come out of this alive and with my twig and berries still attached to my body. That was the preferred outcome. That and ending up with Bella.
By the time I made my way back to the Delts' house, I had what I thought was a foolproof plan. Emmett wanted Rose, and he wanted- no, needed- my help to get her. So I'd help him. That's what friends do, right? They help each other.
But you forgot one little important point, Golden Boy.
Fuck my life, The Shat was back. There must have been something to the theory that running was the equivalent of Shat kryptonite. Note to self: run more. Lots more.
And just what point am I missing, oh wise one?
Just the minor detail that you and Emmett McCarty are anything but friends.
Oh, but we will be. This is promise you.
Promises, promises. I'll believe that when I see it. I won't hold my breath, though.
Oh, but I wish you would! Go play with yourself, Shat. I've got work to do.
8==D
I finished up my run and went to shower. Now that I had a plan I was anxious to put it into action. That would require me getting all my ducks in a row. The first little ducky that needed to get in line was Emmett. And I knew just how to get him there. I grabbed a towel, sniffing it to make sure it was relatively clean, and the shit I needed to shower. Thankfully the bathroom was free, and I got down to business. The warm spray of the water felt amazing as it pounded against my skin, washing the run from my body.
I reached for the shampoo and quickly washed the sweat from my hair. The Best Fucking Plan Ever, AKA The Plan, played in my head as I rinsed. I needed to get things moving as soon as possible in order to take full advantage of the situation. Squeezing the soap into my hand, I worked it into a lather and over my skin as I considered how to set everything into motion. Mindlessly I massaged my sore muscles, the soap making everything slick. By some stroke of misfortune (or fortune, depending on how you looked at it) an image of Bella in her soda soaked t-shirt flashed in my mind when my hand cupped around my balls. I felt the familiar tension begin to grow and decided to go with it. It had been at least a week since I'd done this, and I really needed the release. I palmed my growing erection and gently stroked the length. Bracing my weight against the shower wall, I began to pump harder. Images both imagined and real flashed across the backs of my eyelids, spurring me on.
Bella lying on her back in the grass on the Green, the sun causing her skin to perspire and soak her thin cotton shirt. Noticing that she'd neglected to wear a bra that day so the slightly darker skin of her nipples shone through like beacons calling to me. I reached out and grazed just the tips of my fingers over the rosy skin and it instantly pebbled under my touch. The sweetest moan whispered from her parted lips as her dark eyes fluttered closed. I pinched each nipple gently at first to gauge her reaction. Her cries of pleasure encouraged me to do it again, but harder. She gasped and her eyes shot open. I bent my head over her chest to soothe the shock with the flat of my tongue. My mouth paid both mounds ample attention, making the material transparent. Bella's hands threaded into my hair, massaging and inspiring me. The feel of her against my tongue was delightful, but the weight of her in my hand was heavenly. I kneaded the soft flesh of her tits as she moaned for more. Our lips met and our breath mixed together as we panted in our arousal. When I felt her hips rise to meet mine and the heat of her through her thin shorts seared my thigh, I thought I'd come right then. But dream Bella reached between us and dove into the elastic waist of my shorts, grabbing hold of my dick and aggressively stroking me. Intense warmth shot through me just as I felt the tightening in my groin; the tell tale sign of one of the best fucking orgasms I had ever had. Both dream Edward and real Edward moaned at the promise of release.
I cried out in surprise as the once warm water now rained down in ice cold sheets. My girlie squeak echoed off the walls as I fumbled to shut the water off. Defeated, I looked down at my deflated erection and whimpered. Cockblocked by the fucking plumbing! Had the entire campus gotten the memo that I wasn't getting any these days? Apparently so.With a sigh and groan I toweled off and gathered my things, wrapping the towel around my hips. I figured I might as well get The Plan rolling so I could maybe break the curse I seemed to be under.
Watch out, McCarty. I'm coming for you.
At least you're coming for someone.Shat snickered.
Bite me, fucker.
8==D
"It's about time, Eddiekins. I was beginning to think we needed to send the Coast Guard in after you!" I jumped and spun around to see Emmett leaning against the wall next to the bathroom door.
"Damn, Emmett, you scared me. Sorry, man, have you been waiting long? You could've just knocked and I would have hurried up."
"No, man, we're cool. I was just yanking your chain." He chuckled, but the word "yanking" made me recall what I'd just done in the shower while picturing his sister. I think my balls tried to crawl back up into my body. I cleared my throat and tried to put The Plan into action.
"Oh, okay then. Hey, Em?"
"Yeah?"
"I was thinking about your 'little problem,'" I lowered my voice to be sure none of the brothers overheard me, "and I was wondering if you might want to go for breakfast somewhere and discuss your options."
"You offering to improve my love life, Dr. Ruth? Sorry, but I don't think so. I mean, you're pretty and all, lover boy, but I'm more of a tits and kitty kinda guy. Although I have been called an ass man before, too. But the ass has to come with a stellar pair of tits. Thanks though, Eddiekins. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."
He thought I was offering to "DO" him? What the fuck?
"No, man! You completely misunderstood me! I wan't offering. Believe me! I was merely suggesting that I could help you with Rose. That's it! I don't have that kind of secret!" I shuddered at the suggestion of Emmett and me together, together.
He'd rip you in two, Golden Boy.
UGH! Fuck off, Shat. If anyone's getting it in the ass, it's you!
I'm not the one who just propositioned a football player in the hall while wearing nothing but a towel and a smile. I wouldn't be dropping the soap in the locker room anytime soon, GB.
I ignored the non-advice he was spewing and focused on getting out of the hall and into clothes. Preferably several layers.
"What do you say, Em? Breakfast at the IHOP in twenty?"
"Make it fifteen and you're paying."
"Sure, sure. Okay, give me fifteen. I'll meet you downstairs."
"Cool. Oh, and Eddiekins?"
"Huh?"
"Just so you know, I don't put out on the first date."
"Fuck you, McCarty."
"I knew you wanted your junk all up in my trunk, punk." I'd turned to head back to my room, but Emmett's reflexes were pretty damn fast for a big dude. He grabbed my towel, and snapped me on the ass with a loud crack before I realized what happened.
"Dammit, Emmett! That shit hurts!" He chuckled as I yelled and ran to my room butt ass naked, rubbing the spot that was sure to be red. Thankfully Embry wasn't still romancing his palm, so I got dressed quickly in some cargo shorts and the first t-shirt I grabbed out of my drawer. I ran my hands through my hair a few times, not really caring what it looked like and stepped into my flip flops. With my wallet, keys, and shades in hand I headed down to meet the asstard who stood between Bella and my every fantasy.
We climbed into my ride and the five minute drive to the IHOP was relatively quiet. Apart from the occasional comment about my fuck awesome car, there wasn't much exchanged between the two of us. It wasn't until after we were seated and pouring over the menu like it was Chaucer or some equally boring shit that Emmett decided to speak.
"So, you wanted to talk to me about something?" He never looked up from his menu.
"Uh, yeah, I did. Rose, specifically, and helping you out where she's concerned."
"What makes you think I need your help with women, Eddiekins? I bet you ten to one I've seen more action than you have since the start of the semester."
"Not women, McCarty. Rose. And it's a fact. Don't forget, I was in that locker room when you had that little meltdown."
"Yeah, yeah. Don't remind me. It was a moment of weakness on my part. I was at my breaking point. But what makes you think you can help me with Rose? It's not as if you two are buddy-buddy. Right?" The last word came off more as a warning than a question. I'm not ashamed to admit I may have pissed in my pants a little bit. The fucker had a look on his face that could have killed me.
"Well, obviously not in the Biblical sense. However, she has taken somewhat of an interest in my well being. That's more than could be said for how she feels about you." I pointed at him with my fork, the syrup dripping from the bite of pancake speared at the end.
"Watch it, Cullen," he growled. "I can change my mind about how I feel about you very easily. And not in a good way."
"Hey," I tried to soothe the beast that sat grumbling across from me. "I'm not pushing buttons, big guy; I'm just stating the obvious. You said yourself that Rose wants nothing to do with you. I'm here offering you a possible in with her. I can't offer any guarantees, but I can do what I can and see where things go. That's if you're still looking for help."
"I'll tell you again that I don't need anyone's help, Eddiekins, but if you want to put in a good word for me with Rosie then I won't stop you," he said somewhat relenting.
"Okay then, maybe I'll do just that."
"What do you have going on in that pretty little head of yours, Eddie? There's something you're not telling me. I can tell."
"Who, me? Nope, I'm an open book, Em." I sat back in my chair and spread my arms wide to make my point. "Ask me anything you want. Anything at all. I've got nothing to hide."
"Why are you such an eager beaver to help me? I haven't exactly been the nicest person when it comes to you." Emmett's eyes narrowed in suspicion. I knew I had to convince him that I was doing this out of the goodness of my heart and no other reason.
"I just think we got off on the wrong foot, is all. Yeah, I can be a prick, but I'm not sure what I did to set you off to begin with. We just need a new start, common ground. Now that we're frat brothers I think we should try again. Consider this a peace offering."
Emmett sat back and eyed me, considering my offer for what felt like forever. Finally he leaned in, extending his hand. "Peace be with you," he snorted. "And also with you, brother," I accepted his hand in the now familiar gesture of the Delts, knowing smirks plastered on both our faces.
"How about you pay up and let's get outta here. I've got shit to do today." I agreed with a nod and waved over the waitress to settle the bill. Phase one of The Plan was complete. Now to move to phase two. This next phase would involve a little more finesse. We were dealing with a delicate flower and the most important component of The Plan.
I dropped Emmett off at the house and pointed my ride toward Sorority Row across campus.
8==D
A/N: To the Musey, Tellingmelies: Thanks for the Musey vibes! I hope you had a fun weekend. My life was cold and hollow without you. I'm so glad you're home where you belong.
Baburella: I bow before you. Without you there wouldn't be any citrus in this chapter. Thanks for holding my hand and making me giggle. I'll buy you a "Thank you" martini when I see you in NYC in two weeks!
Megsly: Your comments always have me rolling on the floor. Emmett says that he agrees with you, your tits are stelar! We BOTH love you, Cupcake!
LauraLoo: Thanks for being the pre-beta for GB and making TM's job a little lighter. Your comments and feedback make writing this guy so much fun! I love all you ladies to the moon and back!