Chapter Five

Castle had slipped into a cab with his purchase and waited patiently for it to deliver him. Having a plan was better than wandering aimlessly and as much as it would have been easier to just call her and do this over the phone, some sick part of him had to see her while she broke him.

He arrived at her place, but knew she wasn't home yet even before he knocked. Leaning against the wall had been fine for a time, but the looping negative thoughts had driven him down the wall when the weight of holding himself up became too much to handle. He was sitting there, contemplating how much he could use a very tall glass of scotch on the rocks or, hell, he'd be happy to drink straight out of the bottle right then.

Of Course, now that he was far from the liquor store he thought about the liquid courage he might need to face her for what could potentially be the last time. He could partake in what was in the bag, but that had been purchased with an alternate purpose in mind.

He heard the elevator open and he fought the urge to feel nervous energy as he glanced over, hoping to see her disembark. He was more than a little crushed to see the current object of his disdain step off carrying a bouquet of roses. It was all brought back to him, the fact that she declined his dinner invite, the fact that she had already made plans, and here were her plans, walking straight towards him.

It was far too late to bolt, or look like he had been doing anything but moping in front of her apartment. He probably gave off a distinctive stalker vibe right about then, he could tell by the puzzled expression on Josh's face as he got to his feet.

"She's not home yet." He told the approaching man.

That didn't stop his approach and once Josh was standing next to Castle, he couldn't help but notice that the man wasn't nearly as ruggedly handsome as he was. There was something about long hair that made him think of a greasy Seattle grunge rocker, despite the nice suit the man was wearing. Just looking at the other man's hair made him want to take a shower and schedule a visit with his barber. He managed to stop the laugh as the thought that perhaps that was something Kate liked about the biker.

Perhaps she liked her guys with long hair, but he rethought that quickly. Demming had been clean cut, as had Sorenson and the more he thought about it, Josh's hair was cut pretty close to the head the first time he had come into the precinct. No, this was a recent development.

Before his mind wandered away from the current situation onto thoughts of whether Kate liked the change in Josh, he plastered what he thought would pass as convincing for a smile and raised his eyes to meat Josh's.

"She still at the precinct?" he sounded genuinely confused, and finding Castle in her hallway was probably the driving force behind that confusion. Rick knew if he were in Josh's shoes he'd be a lot more than confused by a guy sitting around outside his girlfriend's apartment.

Castle just shrugged, trying to sound casual. "Don't know, haven't been back in a while. I just felt like hiding out, you know?" He tried for a sheepish grin and the lie made that one easier to pass off than the fake friendly he had on a moment before, "No one is going to look for me here."

Josh nodded, but his curious expression didn't ease with Castle's humor.

Figuring it was probably for the best if he got out of there before things got even more awkward or Beckett showed up, Castle switched his grin up again, hoping he came of as happy, happy for the other man despite his knowledge that if he killed him and hid the body really well, it probably wouldn't be found for fifty years or more. That kind of thinking was both destructive and distasteful. With that in mind, Castle held out the bottle in the paper sack he had been carting since the liquor store. "Congratulations." He said, hoping his tone came off with an appropriate level of sincerity.

Josh reached in the bag and pulled the bottle slightly out to examine the label before tucking it back in the bag with a whistle, "Nice." He remarked, appreciatively, almost on autopilot before something seemed to register in him and his eyes shot up to meet Castle's as if searching for some kind of answers there. "Thanks." Josh finally responded, his smile growing wider as a twinkle appeared to light his eyes.

Castle nodded to the other man in response and then headed towards the elevator and away from her apartment, away from her man, and away from the life they would be building together. Perhaps he really should have just answered the phone when she called. He felt like the lowest form of a coward as he slinked away when he should be fighting for what he wanted.

Once he reached the elevator he hit the button and then turned back as he waited for it to reach Kate's floor to pick him up. Josh had his phone in his hand, staring at it as if he expected it to ring any second.

"Josh," he finally called down the hall, garnering the other man's full, annoyingly happy, attention and Castle couldn't help himself. "You hurt her and they'll never find your body." He told the other man as he stepped into the lift. He watched Josh's face as the doors closed and he registered to shit between shock and disbelief, though the confusion was finally gone. Josh was, certainly, no longer confused about Castle's feelings for Kate, too bad he was the only one who wasn't. The elevator opened on the main floor and he was out the door as quickly as he could go in search of some open space to let his wandering feet carry him aimlessly again.

Once out on the sidewalk, breathing the fresh air, he remembered how good a tall glass of alcohol sounded and flagged down a cab. He knew it was probably not the most productive idea he'd ever had. He knew it was probably not the healthiest reaction. He didn't care. Running into Josh had been the worst possible end to his stupid plan of talking to Beckett.

Telling him congratulations when all he wanted to say was 'back off' made bile rise in the back of his throat. The fact that he managed a smile at all was astounding; the fact that Josh obviously believed that or his words was mystifying. He left Beckett's apartment feeling both sick and confused.

As his cab pulled away from the curb he caught sight of Josh walking out of Beckett's building. He was talking on the phone and smiling. The bottle of wine was tucked under his arm and he used the hand with the flowers in it to hail a cab. Castle guessed he didn't ride his motorcycle when he was all dressed up in a suit. With a sudden annoying thought that he was headed out to pick up Beckett for a romantic evening, Castle felt that clench in his stomach that made him feel like he was going to throw up again.

Yeah, he needed a drink, or maybe four.

The quiet of a cab without a radio with only the sounds of the tires on the road and an errant honk here or there was not conducive to distraction. He needed to find something to focus on that would get his mind off her for a minute. He wanted to stop imagining what it would look like when Josh picked her up. The ring sparkling on her hand as he presented the roses and the wine.

They'd share a kiss as she passed him to climb into the cab while he held the door. She'd ride in the middle so their bodies were in full contact while the cab whisked them to their destination. Perhaps her hand would find a spot on Josh's thigh to rub absently as they shared stories of their day apart. As the city crawled by and they made their way through the dense traffic, her hand would slide just a little higher on his thigh, rubbing small circles until it was nestled high on the inside of his thigh.

She would look up at Josh with that cute fake innocent expression she got sometimes and slowly trail her fingers over him, finding he was already hardening from her attentions. She would leisurely let her fingers dance along his length as it hardened further and he bit back a groan while she her fingers made their way back down.

Josh's eyes would drift closed when she finally let her hand grasp him through his pants in a single firm stroke before she went back to teasing him. Castle could almost hear Kate chuckle, lower and more throaty than the ones that she shared with him, as Josh leaned down to press a passionate kiss to her lips. The motorcycle doctor would trail hot kisses down her cheek, along her jaw, and then come to rest nuzzling her neck. He would whisper in her ear that they should skip dinner and head home for dessert.

Kate would moan from Josh's ministration on her neck and agree that he had a fine point, she didn't want food, but she was hungry for him.

Castle groaned as the driver finally pulled up in front of The Old Haunt.

Sometimes he really hated being a writer. Vivid detail playing out in his mind and sent him scurrying out of the cab without paying attention to the fact that he had probably well over tipped the driver if that huge grin on his face was anything to go by. He needed a drink; he needed several to even begin to stop his brain from assaulting him. He wasn't sure how many it would take before the mental image he had just conjured finally washed itself out of his brain in a liquid haze.

Castle barely made it through the door before he spotted Esposito turning away from the bar with two bottles of beer in each hand. Without thinking about it, Castle instantly stepped back out of the bar. The cold night air licked at his face as he felt a sudden loneliness set in. His mom was out partying, his daughter was off with her friends, Beckett was probably in the middle of some kind of amazing sexual experience with the man she was going to marry and his two closest friends were in his bar having drinks with their ladies. He couldn't take seeing them right now. He didn't want to be around anything that reminded him of her, and he certainly didn't have the heart to be a fifth wheel and stand around with two happy couples.

He was on a mission to get so blind drunk that he couldn't think straight and the last thing he needed was for his tongue to start wagging in front of the two detectives, or Lanie for that matter. With a frustrated sigh he started walking. He finally spotted a vacant cab a couple of blocks latter and flagged it down.

Giving the cabbie his address, he had plenty of booze at home, Castle finally reached in his pocket and took out his phone. He flipped it on and waited a moment for it to register that he had a couple of texts from Alexis. He sent her a message that he had been working and turned off his phone. He apologized because she seemed worried. And reminded her that he wanted her to have fun.

As he sent the message to his daughter, his phone beeped at him. He had a new message. It was from Beckett.

Castle debated whether or not he should open it, but he knew it was a futile debate so with a sigh he opened the message.

"Don't know what's up with you today, but call if you need to talk."

He suspected that if she sent that, she probably wasn't wrapped around her bad boy doctor boyfriend. She didn't seem the type to tap out a text message while she was trailing kisses across another man's chest, making her way down where she gently rubbed her cheek against the man's straining erection before looking up teasingly and finally putting her phone down to reach up to his belt. She would be biting her lip as she focused and began to slowly pull the belt free from each loop.

Castle bit back his holler of frustration and managed only to release a low line of cursing. Ignoring his new mental picture he quickly responded to her text message before he could change his mind. "You're busy with Josh, we'll talk another time."

The response came so quickly he wasn't even able to form another disturbing image of her and Josh together. "No Josh, just take out and an old movie. I had to work late."

Castle told the cabbie he changed his mind and they turned at the next street to start back tracking the way they had come from toward their new destination.

After a couple of minutes driving, his phone alerted him to a new message. It was Beckett again. He hadn't responded to her message so was surprised by the alert that it was her texting him again. "Please call me."

It was the closest to begging as Beckett would probably ever get, but he didn't respond to the message as he paid the cab driver and stepped out, heading for the elevator. The knowledge that she was alone for the night didn't alleviate his growing sense of loss, but it did relieve the mental images that had been assaulting him.

Before he knew it he was standing outside her door. Finally working up the courage, Castle raised a hand and knocked on the door before he could change his mind.

x.x.x

A/N: Chapter 4 got half as many reviews as any of the previous chapters, so either that one just wasn't as good or I lost some of you with my extended absence. I hope you all find your way back; it's more fun for me when you're there to enjoy it with me. We won't have a week between updates again and should see 3-5 each week.

Review that made my day: carolina17, I loved this, because it started with some yelling which, surprisingly, I find motivating, after which there was the delightful PS to temper it. The contrast made me laugh.

Thanks to everyone for reading.