Chapter Eight

Kate Beckett's heart was racing as she leaned against the door inside her bedroom. She could still feel the heat of that kiss and the tingle along her skin where he had touched her. On sluggish legs she moved to her dresser, feeling the desperate need to be wearing more clothing.

She blindly pulled out a set of pajama pants out and slipped them on. She pulled off the robe as she grabbed an oversized t-shirt. Feeling only slightly irrational she slipped on a bra and tank top before pulling the nightshirt into place. Not bothering to brush her hair she tied it into a loose pony tail and steeled herself for whatever would greet her when she opened the door.

Kate reached the threshold and placed her hand on the knob, but couldn't find the energy to turn it; instead she leaned forward and rested her forehead against the cool wood of her door. Her breathing had settled and so had her racing heart, but her head was still going a mile a minute as she tried to figure out what had just happened.

She didn't have any idea how everything had spiraled so far out of control.

One minute he was looking more than a little lost through her peep hole. The next he was leaning against the doorframe in her bathroom effectively halting her escape. He tried to avoid her questions. She knew his deflections, the sexual innuendoes and the false casual tone, neither of which ever reached his eyes which just regarded her with sadness despite the couple of times he had smiled while they talked.

She had heard the hollow sound of him thinking she really wouldn't care what was going on with him, as if everything he was going through, fighting against, had been one sided. She knew exactly what he was saying when he tried to tell her something about the mistakes he had made. She just didn't know if she could take that on the heels of an already trying day.

She knew all that, but couldn't understand the trigger, the catalyst that drove him to this sudden need to hide out all day and then show up here, angry with himself and talking about things that he really shouldn't be trying to bring up.

That sad look in his eyes didn't make sense to her. His actions today leading to what had become an uncomfortable conversation didn't make sense. It wasn't until she realized he had seen the ring, that damn ring that was nothing but trouble from the moment Josh popped the lid on the box, when everything fell into place.

Once realization of what had made him take off today had finally registered in her mind, everything became so clear. However, her frustration with him did not dissipated, in fact the knowledge of what had caused this day's events just seemed to piss her off more, but she didn't feel the need to dwell on that too closely.

She had said the first thing in her mind, masking her anger with him for running off like a dog with his tail between his legs by portraying an anger with her privacy being violated. She knew he snooped, that had never been a secret. If she were smart she wouldn't have left it there for him to see, wouldn't have ever taken it out of her pocket to begin with. She wasn't angry about him going through her desk. She was angry that he would just jump and run without talking to her first.

The fact that he would give up so easily and not fight made her suddenly furious.

If he even cared at all, he wouldn't turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble. It was the Hamptons all over again and it made her want to lash out, but her anger was as much directed at herself as him, because where the hell had the thought that he should fight instead of flee come from. Where had it become something she had been waiting for and what the hell did that mean about her relationship with Josh? She didn't want to think about how decidedly twisted that thought was.

He hadn't given her the opportunity to get further than a few mild barbs about how her life had nothing to do with him before everything screeched to a halt with that kiss.

Her mind snapped back to the present as she heard the quiet shuffling of feet coming in her direction. She had a moment to wonder if he'd be opening the door when the sound stopped directly on the other side and she waited for the handle to turn under her hand. She felt a dull thud from the other side of the door, not a knock, but perhaps him letting his head fall forward to rest against the door much the way she was doing.

Kate heard his sigh, heavy even through the closed door, and then silenced blanketed them again.

"I'm sorry, Kate." He finally said and she heard the sincerity in his quiet tone. "I never intended to start any trouble coming here tonight."

She didn't know what to say to that. So she stayed silent, mind playing over the feel of his confident touch against her skin as she was certain that was the 'trouble' he was referring to.

"You're right, ok?" He sighed again, "It's your life and it's none of my business. I know that, it's just so hard, Kate." his hushed tone was fervent now, a passion and sadness she hadn't heard from him before that had her stomach knotting in sympathetic pain. "You have no idea how much I wish your life was my business and I let my selfish thoughts dictate my actions because even though I've never had you it felt like I lost you today."

She wanted nothing more than to relieve that pained sound from his voice, thought that perhaps she should tell him that she hadn't accepted the ring, had no intentions of accepting it, but her heart was in her throat as his quiet confession spilled through her door. She couldn't believe that he was standing there pouring out his heart to her. It felt surreal and inspired a level of emotion in her she wasn't interested in exploring too closely.

She wasn't able to form words, so instead she took a long shaky breath and continued to listen as the silence dragged on.

"God, I hate this so much." Castle finally continued, his frustration clear. "I feel like a jackass standing outside your door dumping all my garbage on you like this. I can't even say it like you've led me on, because you've always been very clear about us." He paused a moment, cleared his throat as if he was having difficulty continuing.

Her desire to speak hit her again, as she listened to him explain that he really thought his feelings were one sided. Had she been as vague with her thoughts as his words suggested? Yes, she routinely told him he was annoying, or he got on her nerves, but it was lighthearted, never vindictive or mean spirited. .

He didn't seem to have the slightest idea how incredibly difficult that summer without him had been, but she couldn't breathe through the enormity of what he was laying on her, much less form a coherent response as she processed all that had transpired in such a short time.

Beckett was glad for the solid wood door that held her up at the same time it afforded the space they both needed to get through whatever this was.

"I just hope that you'll forgive me for tonight, because as ridiculous as it probably sounds to you, Kate, you're my friend, probably the best one I have. I know I'm a jerk and sometimes I can be irritating, but you don't judge me. You don't treat me any differently than you treat other people just because I'm a bestselling novelist or because I'm rich. I haven't had a real friend in so long and I don't want to lose it just because I let my emotions run away with me."

He fell silent again as if waiting for her response. Again, she didn't have one.

"Please, Kate."

She heard the pleading note in his voice, but she couldn't respond. Her fear of moving forward stopped her in her tracks. Those ever present fears of being hurt, and knowing that he had the capacity to cause a huge rift in her when things went south.

"I know that I was stupid for thinking someday I might prove myself worthy to you, that we'd have a chance. It was a fantasy. I know that. I know you're already with someone, and even though I'll admit that thinking about you with him makes me a little sick, I want to believe that you're happy." His tone became more focused, stronger with conviction and a hint of relief as if finally saying all of that had freed him from a terrible weight he had been carrying. "I'm sorry, Kate." Then another long silence flowed between them. "Please say something."

She couldn't take that pleading tone, but she couldn't bring herself to face him either.

"I'll take that as a get lost." His words were said so quickly she almost didn't understand. "I'll lock the knob on my way out, but you might want to come out and throw on the dead bolts before you go to bed."

"Wait." She finally spoke, surprised with herself for not just letting him leave and trying to work this out somewhere safer, like in public or over the phone. She let her hand turn on the handle as she pulled the door open to see him retreating from her again, walking away. It was a familiar sight and it hurt just as much this time as it had before.

The sight of his slumped shoulders and the sad, but hopeful look over his shoulder had her drawing a full breath to calm herself before she spoke again. "Can we go with option one?"

He turned back towards her and quirked his eyebrow in confusion.

"The one where we forget that today ever happened?" she asked.

Something that looked vaguely like regret swept him, but was gone in an instant, so quickly replaced with a smile that she wasn't sure she had actually seen it. "Really?"

Beckett nodded at his question and watched him breathe a long sigh of relief.

She passed where he was standing and headed towards her kitchen, he was following a little more carefully than normal.

"I don't know about you, Castle, but the day that shall not be named has been a veritable rollercoaster ride." She reached in the cupboard and pulled out two glasses. "I need a drink, you want one?"

His grin widened slightly as relief washed away and that light finally returned to his eyes, more muted than normal, but it was such a relief to see that she returned the smile.

"You have no idea." He responded gratefully.

And just like that she felt things slipping back into place. Perhaps not exactly where they had been before, but a close semblance that she could comfortably live with while she took some time to figure things out for herself.

x.x.x

A/N: Another chapter that wouldn't cooperate, but I blame Countdown for distracting me, because it was very good, if you ask me. One step forward, two steps back.

I really need to work on Retaliation, but I was in an angst kind of mood today and I couldn't bring myself to work on the bit of fluff that's coming on that one, so here's another chapter of this instead.

Review that made my day: Beetlebug, you made me smile with the image of you trying to dry your hair while reading. I'm guilty of multi-task fic reading myself and it's nice to know we all share a common bond. Though we may all need to seek out a fanfiction anonymous group as Bella Paige suggested if it gets much worse.

Thanks to everyone for reading.