A/N:

Alright guys, so for a while I had this story listed as an Inkheart/Inglourious Basterds Crossover. This IS in fact a crossover, because I've used the character Colonel Hans Landa in this story. The thing is, the story can only be found under the "Crossover" category if I keep it listed as such. So to ensure that people can actually find my story, I'm just listing it as a regular fic.

Chapter 4: The Return of Col. Hans Landa

After Basta's blood tests had come back completely normal and Dr. Hertz hadn't found anything really wrong with Basta- other than some mild mal nutrition- mental health doctors had been called in.

A total of three doctors came to Basta's cell, to ask him the same questions, and each got the same answers. The doctors, each older than the last, all left scratching their increasingly balding heads at Basta's baffling case.

He wasn't schizophrenic.

He didn't have multiple personality disorder.

He passed the IQ test with flying colors, proving to have an impressive IQ of 144.

So what was his problem?

All the doctors had the same thing to say: do a polygraph test.

So that's how Basta found himself in Colonel Hans Landa's office once again, sitting in the chair, hands still shackled, waiting for the Colonel to enter the room. He sighed, tilting his chin and looking around the office. He really did like the room. It was decorated nicely, with dark oak furniture and burnt cream coloured walls. Bookshelves covered in books and papers collected all around the perimeter of the walls. The office had one window, but the darkness of the night obscured Basta's view of what was outside. He was just in the process of trying to slip his narrow wrists out of the handcuffs, when the door to the office opened, revealing Colonel Hans Landa. Basta quickly straightened out his hands, over reacting just a touch.

"Good evening, Basta" said Landa in his usual happy tone. He was smiling, of course. Colonel Landa was never without his smile. Basta felt the colonel was over enthusiastic, or just faking his happiness.

"Good evening" muttered Basta in reply. Landa remained in the doorway, removing his leather over coat and hanging it on the coat tree.

"How are you this evening?" Asked Landa, hanging his hat as well.

"I'm getting sick of these handcuffs" tried Basta, gritting his teeth. Landa chuckled, his dark eyes laughing as well.

"We'll see what we can do after the polygraph test."

"The what?"

"Polygraph test" repeated Landa, frowning. "A lie detector test."

"...You can do that?" Basta felt his eyes widening. Suddenly he felt extremely uncomfortable. Will all my lies come spilling out during this test? He wondered, envisioning every filthy lie he'd ever told coming out in front of the cheerful Landa.

"Yes, yes we can" suddenly Landa made a little frown, as if scrutinizing Basta. The young man squirmed in discomfort.

"Well... how does this thing work?" asked Basta, worry clearly audible in his voice. This seemed to please Landa.

"You'll see." Landa smiled, then turned his attention to something in the hallway. Basta craned his neck to see what the colonel was looking at. Then it entered the room. Another man dressed in a green uniform pushed a cart into Landa's office. Atop the cart was a strange sort of device. Basta had troubles digesting what he saw. A flat box like thing with other parts sticking from its surface was slowly pushed towards Basta. He felt his throat growing tighter and his eyes widening. Landa's smile was gone, and he silently sat in the chair opposite Basta. The cart stopped between the two men, and Basta saw Landa smiling with closed lips from across the strange lie machine. Basta's eyes flicked down to the device. A long piece of paper had finger like needles resting on top of it. Knobs and buttons were present as well. Basta felt his pulse increase. Landa got up from his chair, excusing the man who brought the machine into the room. Landa smiled down at Basta before attaching two long strings from the machine to his chest. Basta looked down at the strange devices attached to his white tee-shirt, wondering what they were supposed to do. As Landa bent over his body, Basta got a noseful of the other man's scent. Landa smelled good, of cologne that Basta had never smelled before. He also carried the faint scent of smoke and peppermint. Basta himself smelled heavily of peppermint, having chewed the leaves excessively before his arrival in France. The scent on Landa's breath was comforting, and Basta found himself wanting some mint leaves for himself. Landa wound another string-like device around Basta's belly. Landa produced another thing attached to the lie detector. This one had a thick band attached to the wire. "Arm please" said Landa, unsmiling. Nervously, Basta extended his left arm. Suddenly, Landa balked. "What happened to your arm?" Basta cringed. He knew Landa was referring to the pink and white scars snaking up from his wrists to his forearms. He sighed, looking away from the arms he hated so much.

"I don't like to talk about it" he hissed venomously. He had been surprised that the inquisitive Dr. Hertz hadn't mentioned the scars during his physical exam, and it just plain bothered him that Landa brought it up.

"Well, we should find out the truth soon enough, yes?" Landa smiled his terribly fake and over enthusiastic grin. Basta was getting sick of seeing the man's perfectly straight and perfectly white teeth. Landa tightened the thick band around Basta's muscled bicep. Then the colonel took a ball-like thing in his hand, which was connected to the band around Basta's arm. Basta watched as Landa squeezed his hand around the ball, and suddenly the band around his arm tightened. Basta's eyes widened as the band around his arm inflated and tightened. Landa sighed, put the ball down on the table, and turned on the machine.

Basta jumped a bit as the needles started swivelling and red lines appeared on the paper. He felt sweat collecting on his forehead. Landa cleared his throat, and sat down. He scooted the chair foreword and shook a pen.

"Alright, let's get started then, shall we?"

"Sure" Basta's breathing quickened as he stared at the moving machine. "Let's get this done with"

"Alright, I'll ask you a series of questions. It's your job to answer each honestly. If you lie, this machine will tell me." Landa's eyes twinkled mischievously as he readied the pen. "Breathe, relax" he said with a chuckle. "Your heart is pounding." Basta nodded feverishly. He was sweating, his heart was pounding and he had troubles breathing properly. "We'll start out with some very easy questions, remember, you'll only need to answer yes or no." Basta nodded. "Here's our practice question: Are your eyes green?" Landa didn't watch Basta, he was glancing at the paper and the jumping needles.

"Yes" said Basta, feeling blood rush through his veins. The needles scratched quietly over the paper, drawing small blue lines and peaks.

"Very good" murmured Landa. "See? Not that hard." He smiled quickly before turning his attention back to the paper. He also had a clipboard on his lap. "Answer falsely; I want to see how the machine reacts to your lie"

"Ok." Basta's breathing calmed the slightest bit.

"Is your hair blonde?"

"Yes" The needles suddenly jumped and wiggled, scratching higher peaks on the page.

"Very good." Basta sighed, and relaxed in his seat. Maybe this won't be so bad after all. "Is your name Basta?"

"Yes." The needles scratched lightly.

"Is Basta your full name?"

"...Yes." This time the needles scratched higher peaks, like they had when he had lied.

"Uh-oh" said Landa, a smile creeping on his face. "What's your full name, then?" Landa looked as pleased as a cat that had just cornered a mouse.

"I don't know" said Basta. According to the needles on the page, he was telling the truth. This made him sigh in relief. Though it seemed to confuse Landa.

"You don't know your full name?"

"No." The needles didn't react violently. Landa looked up at Basta, and one of his brown eyebrows rose upwards. He quickly wrote something on his clipboard, shaking his head slightly, then looked back up at Basta.

"Are you a spy for the allies?"

"No." The polygraph machine didn't twitch or spring. This seemed to both baffle and annoy Landa.

"Are you working for the allies?"

"No." Again, no change in the behaviour of the machine.

"Were you born in the 20th century?"

"No."

The polygraph remained stable.

Landa looked back up at Basta, his eyes wide and his mouth resting ajar. Colonel Hans Landa, the man that constantly remained calm and composed, was suddenly confused. Bewilderment showed plainly on his face, and Basta didn't know what to make of the situation.

"What year were you born in?" Landa's voice was barely more than a strained murmur.

"1609."When the polygraph didn't spazz, Landa's expression hardened.

"How old does that make you?" Asked Landa, looking at the needles in amazement.

"21." Said Basta. He was enjoying the look of shock on the colonel's face. And when the polygraph didn't react spastically, Landa seemed to stiffen.

"I don't believe it..." murmured Landa. "Do you have any idea how you got here?"

"No." But this time the needles did jump and scratch too high. Landa's eyes brightened. "Explain yourself."

"Well... I suppose, I figured I ended up here through a book." This explanation made Landa laugh. His guffaw filled the room, making Basta wish he could shrink and disappear.

"Through a book?" Landa seemed so amused by the thought that his face turned pink.

"Yes, through a book. When I woke up on that man's living room floor, he was holding a book."

"Interesting thought. Are you aware that that man's daughter went missing the night you arrived in his living room?"

"No, I am not."

"Hmm... well, she disappeared the night you arrived, at the very same moment, it seems."

I wonder if she ended up in Capricorn's bedroom... Suddenly Basta's heart rate soared. Landa raised an eyebrow at the jumping needles on the page.

"Your heart rate just increased. Why?" Landa demanded an answer, but Basta felt unable to explain. He was baffled by his own reaction. It wasn't like him to concern himself with the misfortunes of others. But this... this was just terrible. Basta figured his heart leapt for the child because he knew what Capricorn would most likely do to the poor thing.

"How old was she?" asked Basta, his heart in his throat. He was frightened by his own sudden growth of a heart. Feelings! Where did such things come from? Because you're in the same goddamn situation he answered his own question, feeling angry all of a sudden.

"Why does it matter to you?" Landa was testing Basta's patience.

"How old was the man's daughter?"

"I have asked you a question, Basta, and it is your job to answer me. Now I repeat: Why does it matter to you?"

"Because... because Capricorn likes young women." That was putting it lightly. Capricorn really likes very young ladies would be more accurate. The needles scratched over the paper, drawing tall peaks, but not raising high enough to indicate a lie. Landa's expression was rock hard. His brow suddenly became heavy and his mouth didn't twitch into a smile.

"She's nine." Landa's voice was hard and flat. Dead serious. Basta breathed a sigh of relief. Nine was too young. "Is nine old enough for your Capricorn?"

"No." No lie.

"Good" said Landa, his brow lightening. "So you believe that you swapped places with a child? Her into a book, and you into reality?" Well now it sounded stupid.

"I'm not sure."

"I have more questions to ask you, then you can return to your cell." Landa seemed completely bewildered, but composed himself well. Basta didn't even know what to think anymore. "Are those burn scars on your arms?"

"Yes." Basta felt anger bubble and rise from inside of him. He hated his arms. Hated them. But the only thing he hated more than his wretched scars was when strangers noticed them, and commented. Basta took the necessary precautions to keep people's attention away from the heinous scars. He always wore long sleeved shirts. But the tee-shirt that he had been issued by the German's didn't cover nearly enough skin. Plus, this new world was very hot, much warmer than the cool world of Lombrica. So even if he had been given long sleeves, he probably would have rolled them up to his elbows anyways.

"And how did you get these scars?" Landa was relentless.

"Fire. I burned them with fire." Basta was so angry that his jaw muscles twitched and tightened.

"On purpose?" Asked Landa, curious and innocent sounding.

"No. By accident." Basta was speaking through clenched teeth. This seemed to amuse the Colonel, who continued his questioning along the same tangent.

"Are you self destructive, Basta?"

"No!" But the lie detector test did in fact detect a lie. And Basta knew which lie the polygraph was able to sniff out: the time he'd tried to commit suicide.

"Don't lie to me, Basta" hissed Landa, squinting his nice eyes and fixing his mouth in a serious line. Basta gulped. The man before him was scary... his handsomeness and composure made him that much more imposing. Though Landa wasn't an incredibly large man (he didn't even break 6 feet), Basta knew that the colonel could beat him in a fight. Easily. Because it was then Basta remembered that his sword and knife were not with him. They had been left behind in Capricorn's room.

"I've tried to kill myself once." Basta thought Landa would chip on, asking more embarrassing questions. Why? Why did you want to commit suicide? But he didn't. He just locked eyes with Basta, then ditched his previous game of control and domination. He simply nodded, then changed the subject.

"So, I'm assuming that you're unaware of Europe's current political situation?"

"Correct."

"Alright, then. Let's end this test. You can return to your cell." Landa sighed deeply, then switched off the machine. He seemed to be somewhere else in his mind... a million miles away...

A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming! Also, sorry about all the typos. :O I try to avoid them... but, well... meh. You know what happens!