Chapter Twelve
Kate felt like they were both suffering from some kind of rapid onset disorder, like they were suddenly bipolar or had multiple personalities. One minute they were laughing and teasing each other, the next moment things got completely serious. Before they could venture to somewhere too serious, though, one of them would tease or tickle and they were back to just having fun again.
It was odd while also feeling completely right. Some actions or reactions could only be countered with dark smoky eyes and a sound she had yet to find a word for that rumbled darkly in Castle's chest. Other things called for light teasing and she found herself entirely comfortable with someone for the first time that she could remember. There was nothing about her that she would have tried to hide and nothing she wanted to keep from him.
A lot of that, she was certain, had to do with exactly how much fun she was having with him. She should have expected as much, from her experiences with him. A man who could make solving murders fun, had to be able to find the lighter side of any aspect in life. Still, it surprised her. Sure, sex was fun when it was done right, but this was more than that. This was a level of enjoyment of the moment that she didn't know how to quantify.
She was relishing teasing him and they were both enjoying themselves. It took that single expression of blind desire in his eyes right after her last 'guess' at his choice of term, to flip that switch onto full bore serious. She found herself pinned beneath him and for the first time since this all began, the chuckle she released sounded a little nervous as it rang through her head.
She had the sudden desire to run, just bolt and not look back. She knew it was ridiculous and not just because this was her apartment. She didn't know where it came from, but it was there as he settled against her and the teasing stopped. She opened her mouth to speak, but his lips against hers stopped the action. The contact was gentle, so tender it seemed he was using it to communicate everything to her, and she felt her doubts melting away again. Later she might wonder what exactly her problem was, but just then, all that existed was his body and hers, his fingers on her skin, their breaths filling the silence.
She relaxed, shifting her hips to get more comfortable beneath him and suddenly he pulled away from their kiss to look down at her. Something akin to surprise darkened his face in a way entirely different than the desire that had been there a moment before. Looking into his eyes, she couldn't help but note the tension in his features.
She knew from his expression he was probably having a similar debate to the one she had a moment before. He was thinking about running, too. Sometimes, she wondered, exactly how guarded they each needed to be. She was tired of it herself, and she could imagine he was getting pretty fed up, too. Her laughter this time, had nothing to do with nerves, as she realized that she would have been fine with this stopping if she were the one running scared. However, Castle giving her that look made her want to pull him back to the moment.
He looked at her with a small smile taking over his expression and an eyebrow cocked. She knew he was asking what she found funny, and that was something else she had always appreciated about them, the fact that they could communicate so much without saying anything at all.
"Rick." She intentionally used his first name in what she hoped was a low sexy voice. As she felt him tense slightly against her, she was certain that had been the right tone. With a caress up his arm and across his shoulder, she found the back of his head and pulled him back to her physically, hoping the mind would follow.
Slow, sensual kisses grew to a fever pitch before they finally broke away and she realized they had been rocking slowly against each other in a parody of what they both wanted to be doing. "Wait." He said against her lips a moment later as he pulled away from her lips, "Kate, do you have, uh, anything?"
She almost laughed at him again, but managed to keep a straight face. The man who writes steamy sex scenes and had just gotten excessively hard off her saying a single word, had trouble saying condom. Something about his expression kept her from laughing, though, and she cast her eyes towards the nightstand in silent answer to the question.
As her eyes focused on him again, she saw the tiny tick in his jaw that signaled he wasn't having a very pleasant thought. It took her only a moment to realize he must have been thinking about Josh and the likely reason she had need to keep them there in the first place. "That's surprising, Castle." She tried to distract him from the negative thoughts with a light tone and watched his face relax slightly. It was rewarding, even if it only relaxed into a questioning expression, "I figured you for the type to always be prepared." She teased.
Castle's eyes dropped away from hers, almost like he was ashamed and she wondered if this was really the appropriate time to tease him about his numerous sexual liaisons. She didn't even really want to think about them, so having brought it up, she was instantly regretful. As she got lost in the instinct of flight again, she felt herself pulled back by his lips on her neck and his softly spoken words as he worked his way over her body with his hands and moist kisses.
"I know you think I'm that guy, Kate, but if you really thought about it you'd realize how wrong you are." He had kissed his way down to her chest and his head lifted so his eyes could meet with hers, "I haven't since Gina." He bowed his head and brought his lips back to her again. "I don't find much appealing about meaninglessness anymore."
She felt her heart beating heavily in her chest as her breathing increased slightly, but she was certain it was more from what he implied in his words than the actions of his mouth on her skin. "What's changed?" she could have kicked herself for the kneejerk question, but damned if she didn't want to know so bad that she ached to hear him say it.
She felt her nipple contract more tightly as he sighed, his warm breath actually cold against the moist flesh he had just started to lavish his attention on. "Everything." He finally responded after a long pause. It seemed that would be his last word on the subject as the hand he had been using to caress her body finally settled, applying a steady pressure, but not seeking or exploring and she rocked her hips for more contact.
"Why?" she finally managed and while she was nearly completely distracted by his touch, she somehow found that part of her brain that didn't want to let this go.
She heard the long exhale of breath as he seemed to steady himself before he moved back up to lay next to her. He didn't move that hand, however and as he looked into her eyes he continued to torture her with a single talented finger moving in small circles so lightly it was impossible on some passes to know if she had actually imagined his touch.
"I think I used to be a completely different person." He swallowed and she was surprised by his somewhat casual tone as he looked at her with some kind of inner turmoil while his finger caressed her so purposely. It was a strange contradiction that had her completely off guard. "Sometimes, I look back and wonder who that arrogant ass was that thought he was invincible and nothing would ever touch him."
"You're still arrogant." She pointed out teasingly. His response to her comment was to increase the pressure enough to silence her on a breathy, "Oh."
"These past few years with you, I've seen so much, done so much and felt more than I thought possible." His pace picked up slightly as he brought his other hand up to gently trail his fingers across her cheek. One hand moved tenderly, casually caressing her cheek and the other circled steadily and with purpose. She had the sudden thought that he must be good at patting his head while he rubbed his belly. This would have made her laugh, but she was occupied with other sounds at that moment.
"I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the lines I decided I wanted to be a better person." He smiled at her wryly, "It's not a thought that was new to me, I've felt like I wanted to be a better person before, but nothing came of it but just 'wanting' it." She wished he would stop talking, because she was having a hard time paying attention to his words while he was driving her mad and she was certain they were important. "Being a part of something bigger than myself, finally made it all click. Having you count on me in situations where you should have a real trained partner, being accepted on my own merit and not because of fame and fortune. It all made me realize that I wanted to be someone that can be counted on, someone that deserved your respect."
His eyes hadn't escaped hers for longer than the space of a blink as he spoke and she fought to stay in control, hear him out. He simply smiled at her, not cocky, not arrogant, just sweet and that sparkle had swept the seriousness from his eyes as he spoke softly, "Let go."
She couldn't break eye contact as she tensed a moment before sound washed away, and her focus narrowed. Sensation at the forefront as pleasure rippled through her, vision narrowed to his eyes gazing at her and that smile that wasn't as smugly satisfied as she assumed it would be in this moment with him.
It took her a moment to regain her senses as warmth settled on her and her breathing caught in the surprise of him being able to just swipe all the control away with two simple words.
"God, you're beautiful." He said, suddenly reverent as he leaned down and kissed her. It was long and slow giving her plenty of time to regain her senses and for her heart and breathing to settle from the roaring they had been doing together. He pulled away from the kiss with a low moan as she reached out to trace his length tentatively. "About that question earlier?" he asked with a slightly nervous chuckle.
"Drawer." She said with a gesture towards that end table. "But I'm on the"
He cut her off with his mouth on hers, rolling over her and slipping his tongue in to tease hers for a moment before he pulled away to smile down at her. "Pill or no, I don't go without. You know there's more than babies to worry about, Detective."
She laughed lightly at the thought of getting a sex education lesson from Castle, and she gave him a playful jab in the ribs, "From the guy who married his first wife because he got her pregnant."
"Hey," he responded with mock indignation, "I'll have you know we took precautions, they aren't foolproof."
Kate ran her hands along his back as she lifted to meet him for a brief kiss. "That's why the pill and condoms." She pointed out as she lay back. "One's to prevent turning into you, the other is because I don't trust anybody, ever."
He was looking down at her with an oddly puzzled expression for a moment, a small crinkle appearing between his eyes and she wanted to reach up and soothed it away. She smiled as she realized that she could do that now and moved a hand to his face. As she soothed the line away realization seemed to dawn, "But you said," he stopped as if thinking about something that was startling and not really believing what conclusions his mind was drawing. "You trust me." He finally said.
It was a statement, but it was said with such wonder that she had to respond if for no other reason than to reassure him, "Always."
That single word seemed to release whatever he had been holding back as he kissed her with that passion she hadn't felt from his kiss since the last one they shared before he laid her across her bed what seemed a million years ago. As much as she could lose herself in kissing him, Castle was starting to frustrate her with his lack of action. She brought her leg up until it rested firmly against his hip as she planted her hands firmly and she had them flipped so she straddled him with very little effort.
The surprise only lasted a moment before his hands were on her hips as she sat up to rock against him, feeling him fully against her. He actually whimpered at the motion and she had to rock her hips again just to be sure that was what he heard from him. Sure enough, there was that whimper again, but it turned into a quiet gasp as she leaned back over him, her mouth so close he only had to tilt his chin up to meet her.
She brought her hands to her hips, lightly grasping his wrists to pull his hands away from her body. She twined her fingers with the digits on each of his hands as she relished the feeling of being so close with him. Hovering over him, she felt the position of their bodies and rocked her hips just slightly, using the angle and friction to position him. Their eyes locked and he felt his hands gently squeeze hers, a motion she took as encouragement.
As she shifted back and felt him slide into her, sinking fully onto him in one long slow stroke, her breath caught on a sudden realization. They had finally made it to the place she had been unwilling to acknowledge they were headed all along.
Neither of them moved for a long moment, as if both were in a state of shock, eyes locked and speaking a million thoughts without saying a word. She leaned into him and caught his lips again, but when she pulled back, he followed her until he was sitting up with her wrapped around him. The feel of his chest against hers and the steady rocking he initiated would have been soothing if it weren't for the fact that there was a fire burning in his eyes that contradicted their gentle movements.
She suddenly found herself being lowered backwards as he followed her down and continued his assault on her senses, hips moving in a careful rhythm as he shifted to rain kisses on her neck and shoulders. Kate flipped them before they could get too carried away as she felt her throat burning, a sure sign she was going to do something ridiculous like start crying in the middle of having sex.
But that was the problem she was having. This wasn't having sex. She'd done that enough to know exactly how that went. This was something entirely more frightening than just having sex. This was making love and she couldn't remember a time when she had ever felt so cherished or had someone look at her the way Castle did in that moment. His gaze held reverence, awe and something deeper that he still seemed to be fighting to hide.
Despite the fact that the shift in position had been her attempt to distance herself from the emotions of the moment, she couldn't think her way out of the motion and her hips rocked in the same gentle rhythm he had started. Her back arched as an invitation and his hands moved to caress her body over him.
She wasn't normally one for slow and easy. She was more for fast and dirty, but something about that look in his eyes kept that side of her at bay, the side that looked to sex as a release and an escape. She wasn't trying to escape anything in this moment, but instead trying to catalogue every kiss and caress, the way he breathed, the sound, the endearments, his hands on her hips and the way he told her she was beautiful.
Her orgasm surprised her. Not that she hadn't been expecting it, perhaps not so soon at this pace, but more the intensity of it that shook her. She gasped out his name, not even sure if it was his first or last, but the look in his eyes told her that he liked the sound. It was the last thing she saw as she threw her head back and let herself go to the sensations pulsing through her body.
She didn't know which way was up and which was down and at one point she thought the world had actually turned on its side. As she called out his name and he groaned from the increased pressure, but fought to keep his control.
She was starting to hate that damn control he had in this moment. The man could control himself enough not to grab and touch evidence, but here, with her, this seemed to be exactly what he was saving all that control for.
As she let out a long sigh she felt his hands on her hips, tilting them back slightly as he rocked up to meet her. A moment later she was sprawled on her back, not entirely sure how she had gotten there, but she ran her leg up his until it rested against his hip where his hand came around to steady it in place. The friction so soon after peaking caused her to let out a breathy moan, but he swallowed it as he stilled to kiss her.
The new angle, the kiss, and her moan seemed to combine as if they were the signal gun to release them from their achingly slow pace. She wasn't able to focus on any one thing as his pace quickened and he seemed to set about single-mindedly on a mission to destroy every coherent thought in her head.
The covers ended up on the floor, pillows pushed off soon after as they playfully fought for the dominant position. Skin slick with perspiration, they moved seamlessly together. Somehow, she realized, they had found themselves near the foot of the bed. She felt his rhythm hitch slightly and she knew he was close, but he still had his hands tightly on the reins of his control and he was fighting it.
She pulled his mouth back to hers, both too breathless for much of a kiss at that point he was soon pulling back to look down at her, his rhythm faltering just a bit more. At least that was her thought before she registered that as he gazed into her eyes he had almost instantly taken up their initial slow pace. After nearly pulling the walls down around them, this slow steady motion where she could feel every inch of him, was an entirely new level of pleasure. She noted the tightness around his eyes and the slight tick in his jaw that told her clearly he was thinking too hard and he needed to just feel.
"Let go." She whispered, parroting his words from earlier.
She watched a moment of surprise pass over and sweep away the look of concentration, but it was gone in an instant. The wicked grin that took its place should have been distressing, but as he shifted up to have space to reach between them, she couldn't find a worry in the world. "You first." He told her.
Always the gentleman, he waited for her. She had just felt the first waves of release hit and she found him buried in her and still as he claimed her mouth in a heated kiss before pulling away to look into her eyes as he said her name. He didn't yell it through the room, it was whispered from so near and yet she had to strain to hear it that first time. The expression on his face and the way he said, "Kate." Possessive, passionate, affectionate and tender as his body finally still caused that tightness to pull back into her throat.
Fortunately, he buried his face in her shoulder a moment later to gather his breath as she felt the tears well in her eyes and worked hard to fight them. It had never been like that before. She had never felt so much from any intimate moment with a man and she had to admit, she probably wasted a lot of time not acting on her feelings long before now.
The mood was killed quickly when Castle finally shifted to smile down at her and the smile instantly fell off his face. "Kate?" he asked tentatively, "Did I?"
She shook her head, unwilling to let him take the blame for her overworked emotions. "No, it's not you."
He shifted away to lie beside her, but it was as if he wasn't sure what to do with himself. She could feel him looking at her, but she couldn't turn her head, because it was a desperate balancing act to keep those tears from falling. She finally gave up and rolled into his side, head against his chest as she settled against him. One of the tears managed to sneak out and landed against his skin, but she didn't reach to brush it away.
She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to tell him all that was going through her mind and everything that she wanted to say, so was grateful when he wrapped his arms around her and just held her, murmuring quietly to her as if soothing a small child. She smiled into his chest as her eyes closed to the sound of his heart beating under her ear.
x.x.x
A/N: Sorry this is late, but it got really long last night and I had to go to bed at 12:30am so I could get up at 6:30am and it wasn't done. At least it's a long chapter as a bonus for being late.
Folks hanging with me on Twitter had a heads up yesterday that this was delayed. Check out the link on my profile if you want notice when I'm going to miss a deadline (self-imposed and flexible as they are).
Sorry, got so caught up in posting this I forgot to put this in- Review that made my day: daphnebeauty, for agreeing with Castle's plan to 'sex the heel out of her'. I liked your word choice there.
To GhostWriterLost, on your observation, I actually looked at the word 'hard' in the author's note for a long time, looked at it hard and thought, I should change that to difficult, but then just said "Nah."
Thanks to everyone for reading.