Chapter Thirteen

As he lay with Kate curled around him, Castle couldn't help but wonder if she could possibly go back to anyone else after what they had just shared. Even thinking about it, as her breathing evened out, he was speechless with wonder.

There were a couple of points where he lost himself completely in the moment. He was more than a little concerned that those pieces of himself he had lost to her tonight he'd never get back again. As he ran a soothing hand across her back, he felt her relax into his side and knew she had fallen asleep, but it was the last thing he thought he'd be able to do just then.

Not only had she stolen his heart long ago, she had just wiped the slate completely clear of anyone that came before her or was likely to come after. He knew that without her in his life he would probably die a lonely old man for want of another who could bring out what they had just shared. It had been full of that positive humor that drove their partnership, the passion that pulled them so strongly towards the things they put their minds to, and a certain tenderness he hadn't thought either would be capable of in this situation.

He'd had a lot of fantasies about what their first time together might entail. As a writer, he was pretty good at working the story in his head and sometimes while he lay in bed, rode to a crime scene or watched her do paperwork he'd flesh out a new idea.

In his mind, he'd had her in so many ways, so many places.

On her desk, late at night, quick and mostly clothed with a thrill of the potential to get caught. In the locker room, panting and breathless they would claim an empty shower and use the water to cover their sounds, suppressing their moans and cries against each other's skin out of necessity due to their location. In the back of the van during a stake out, pushing the keyboard aside to prop her against the tabletop and neither considering exactly how their actions might look from outside as the van rocked with them. A dozen or more places in her apartment and his. Every fantasy was rich with sensual imagery, various positions as space allowed, and a frenzied pace like they were both frantic to finally reach the finish line after waiting so long to start the race.

Nothing he imagined had prepared him for reality.

In his fantasies she was wild and uninhibited, demanding and forceful. While in reality she had been all those things in some small measure, they were peripheral to something more than he could ever have imagined. She was soft and sweet, funny, silly and a couple of times she turned eyes on him with the faintest hint of shyness that his heart melted. She was everything he had imagined she would be and so much more.

Knowing exactly what they could be to each other was like a double-edged knife in his heart. On one hand, this intimate knowledge of her was the most amazing glimpse into another person that he had ever been privileged to witness. On the other hand, lying here with her afterwards, having witnessed her quiet tears of shame at what they had done was crushing. Not just for his heart that had been trampled enough in the past day, but also for his hopes that were spurred to full bloom through their movements, the sounds she made, the way she looked at him.

He could have sworn he saw genuine affection in her eyes throughout the night, but now he just felt cold, wounded and confused.

Castle's chest felt constricted as he realized that despite the fact that she was cuddling against him and allowing him to comfort her, she was thinking of someone else as she did it. She was probably worried she had ruined her relationship with Josh with impulsive actions tonight and seeing tears in her eyes confirmed that while she would always have his heart, hers was already taken.

Pain was not usually a feeling he experienced after sex. He realized that was the problem as he lay there with her sleeping against him. They hadn't been having sex. He was almost certain he could have handled that. Not this. Not the way they had made love like they were the only two people in the universe, like there was no tomorrow, and perhaps that's what had made it so amazing.

Perhaps that was what had made her so easygoing and carefree. The knowledge that this was a onetime thing and there really was no tomorrow. It was a single moment of emotional expression and he should have felt blessed to experience that moment with her. Instead he just felt deflated.

She had burned him with her touch as much as the look in her eyes as they moved together. Despite his best efforts to be the one imprinting himself on her, as much as he hoped that this would convince her that they belonged together, her tears had made him bury all those hopes back where he had pulled them from and for the second time that day he found himself feeling completely lost and utterly alone, despite the fact that he was lying with her cuddled against his side.

He thought perhaps he should wake her, tell her how he felt, ask her to give them a chance, beg her to consider what tonight could mean for the both of them, but his throat felt tight and his breathing too labored to warrant speech. He couldn't take it if he had to see her tearful eyes looking into his again. It made his stomach tight with knots to see that kind of emotional vulnerability in her and the knowledge that he was the one responsible for it made him feel a little sick.

Kissing her had been impulsive and selfish. Touching her had been a mistake. All of it had led them somewhere they probably never should have gone because now all he could think about was how much he never wanted to stop touching her, holding her. How he'd like to wake up every morning with her curled around him like she was in this moment.

So, selfishly, or perhaps nobly, depending on how he looked at it, he kept his mouth shut and simply enjoyed her company as she slept. He couldn't handle having any kind of fight with her just then. He was worried he'd stop breathing if she needed a break from him and asked him not to shadow her because he was clingy or because she trusted him to honor his word and he was reneging. At the same time, he wondered if he'd be able to breathe around her after this. How he was supposed to control himself when the urge to reach out and touch her hand or her face hit him as they often did. Knowing what she felt like would make all of the more difficult to resist.

Thinking about touching her brought back a sudden memory of her skin under his hands as she rocked with him. He knew he was a scarred man as the thought alone hurt, but he couldn't stop the moment from playing out in his head as he relived the feeling of her wrapped around him, hands caressing his skin as she sheathed him in a moist heat. He thought about how in that moment with her it hadn't been about how she made him feel. It hadn't been about how hot she was, how wet and tight and the way she moved her hips in a slight circle that had driven him crazy. No, in that moment he hadn't been able to savor all the things that threatened his control, because it had all been about her.

He had wanted her for so long and he almost wished that he had taken her the way he had always imagined instead of with the single-minded focus on her. His attention to detail was going to be the death of him. Even just minutes after they settled and she fell asleep, the events were playing again in his head like tiny mocking snapshots of a life he would love to have with her and never would.

The images of their time together should have been blurred by frantic activity, but instead their slow careful act of making love had allowed every minute to burn into him and through him. Gentle kisses and caresses, slow building heat and hearing his name echo in his ears. The mewling sound she made as he felt her stomach muscles tighten against his own a moment before she gasped, "Castle." in quiet surprise as her body convulsed in pleasure and clamped down on him begging for him to follow. That first time he felt her lose herself in her pleasure around him, her body pulsing in a delicious rhythm around his cock, he should have been focused on the feel of being buried in her while she clamped down on him in the throes of passion. Instead, he couldn't tear his eyes away from her face as she flushed and moaned out his name again.

There was something about the way she said his name that almost sent him over with her. He found it odd to consider now that it wasn't the physical pleasure of her contracting around him, but her voice calling him "Castle." in a tone that he would never get out of his head, that had almost pulled the tether on his control. Somehow he had managed to hang onto it, though.

His tired mind let that memory play out, but as it continued, somehow the memory shifted into one of his fantasies and suddenly he realized just how screwed up he really was from all of this. In place of the heat and passion of his normal fantasies, was the look in her eyes, the sound of her voice, the flush of her skin, and the slow gentle sway of her hips. In place of fantasy images of her body hot against his and frantic, almost frenzied, were memories of her body as he sat with her wrapped around him, swaying slowly together.

He hoped he would get the old fantasies back soon, because he preferred the impersonal nature of those to the jarring heartache of reliving the way she looked into his eyes the first time she let go under his fingers. It was thinking about that moment that brought everything full circle.

He had spilled his heart out to her, not once but twice in the last couple of hours and she hadn't said a single word in response. His throat felt suddenly tight, his mouth dry, his heart pulsed and his eyes began to burn so he squeezed them shut. Realization hit.

There had been something in her expression that he hadn't seen before, something that he wasn't able to pinpoint lurking behind the general feelings in that moment. With a suddenly sick feeling he finally thought he understood. It had to have been pity she was hiding from him in that moment.

He felt like an idiot. He had made love to her and she had let him out of pity. Perhaps she thought she was being a good friend letting him 'get it out of his system' or something, but he just felt angry and more than a little betrayed.

It was a while of beating himself up and reliving the night with his newfound mindset that Castle finally carefully extricated himself from Kate's bed. He grabbed the comforter they had kicked to the floor and shook it gently before draping it over her. She cuddled into the blanket, as he gently stroked her cheek. Her eyes didn't open as she nuzzled against the hand on her skin and mumbled.

He didn't think he could be any more heart broken than he had been a moment ago, but her sleepy voice, quiet as it was, echoed through the room and his empty broken heart. "I love you."

She hadn't opened her eyes, probably still in a sleep state and he knew in that moment that the words weren't meant for him, in her semi-consciousness she probably thought his hand was Josh's as she spoke. He didn't move as she burrowed a little further into the pillow he had placed under her head when he had disentangled himself from her.

He couldn't stop his eyes from trying to soak her in, knowing he wouldn't see this side of her again, but soon he couldn't see her anyway. She had relaxed back into sleep a moment before, but he couldn't watch her sleep through the moisture blurring his vision. With a heavy heart he leaned over and gently pressed his lips to her temple.

"I love you, too." He whispered against her skin before he forced himself to stand and turn away from her. He managed to keep the tears at bay until he somehow made it home to his bed that seemed to mock him with its similarities to his heart.

It, too, was cold and empty.

x.x.x

A/N: I know you're all going to hate me for this, and I am already braced for it. I would say I'm sorry, but this is where we've been heading all along. As much as you're probably upset with me about it, I'm glad to have finally gotten here and looking forward to where we're headed from this point, not just because it's going to be nice to finally be out of the bedroom.

Also, some of you are concerned about Josh, and yeah, even I think it would be weird for Beckett to go there with Castle while still with Josh. However, in the interest of my plot we'll just have to work together to remember that she knew it was over and despite the fact that she hadn't told him yet, it was a certainty to her, so what's a day more or less.

Sorry I missed my normal Friday update. My sis and I finally finished Season two and it was almost 11 at night when she made me scour the internet to find Season 3 episode 1 streaming. The stream was not the best quality, so if anyone has a better suggestion for streaming season 3, so she doesn't have to wait until I buy the DVDs in the fall, I would appreciate the info.

Review that made my day: SkySmoke, Your words were very encouraging. As the writer I can look at the page after I've finished and think, "Wow, what a load of crap." Then I post it to find that you and everyone else seem to miss all the little things that bothered me about it and find parts to love. It gives me a great sense of accomplishment.

Thanks to everyone for reading.