Chapter Sixteen
Castle felt the heat wafting out of the house as the door opened and he was gestured into the vacation home by the woman who had answered. "Hi Monica, sorry to intrude on your weekend." He said, feeling a little ridiculous now that he was standing in the woman's home.
He was greeted with a warm smile, "Don't be ridiculous, Rick, we're happy to have you. Alexis said you were working this weekend and couldn't make it."
Castle returned the smile, actually feeling it more than faking it at the woman's kind greeting and subtle reminder that he had been invited. She must have noticed the sheepishness in him. "I decided there were more important things in life than sitting at my laptop and staring at the screen, but not actually writing anything."
She smiled at his joke, "Not that we're glad you couldn't write, but it's good to have you. Alexis and Paige are in the kitchen making Cocoa." She gestured towards one side of the long entryway, "Can I take your jacket?"
When he walked into the kitchen, he was surprised to find himself swept up in a fierce hug from his daughter, "I'm glad you came, Dad."
"Whoa, what's this all about?" he was curious at the intensity of her affectionate display.
Alexis pulled back to give him a scolding look, "Nothing." She responded and turned back to the kitchen counter. "Want some cocoa?"
He grinned, loving this feeling of being in the presence of his daughter that always seemed to have a calming effect on him, "You know it." He responded taking up a spot beside her to throw some marshmallows into the cup she scooted his way.
Paige leaned forward to peak around Alexis, "Hey, Mr. Castle."
"Hi, Paige." He responded, bringing his cup to his lips and sipping before he realized exactly how hot the drink was. He recovered from the sting by slowly pulling cool air in his mouth and over his tongue, "You two having a good time?"
Both girls started talking, finishing each other's sentences as they filled him in on all he missed in the last day. It was nice to enjoy time with such infectious good moods and soon they were settling in the living room with Paige's parents.
"We were going to nerd out on some Lord of the Rings." Alexis explained as they settled onto the couch. Paige's parents were already comfortable on the love seat and Castle took the corner of the couch so Alexis could sit next to her friend.
"Sounds perfect." He responded, taking a careful sip of his cocoa and settling more comfortably into the couch. After the obligatory small talk, Paige finally started the movie.
It was a comforting relief. Something he hadn't been expecting, so much as hoping for. The mere proximity of his daughter was comforting. The cocoa was delicious; the movie was effectively distracting with the side commentary of everyone watching. He felt himself relaxing and his focus was almost entirely on this room, this experience, these people, though having Paige's parents cuddling casually in his peripheral vision occasionally had him aching for that same kind of simple intimacy. Occasionally had him losing his focus and drifting off to thoughts that shouldn't be in his head.
Sure, he was smart enough to realize that he wanted that, the connection, the simplicity, the proximity and intimacy. He wanted that with Kate, but he hadn't let his mind trap him into actually fantasizing about it until this moment. Until now he had been careful to thwart such romantic visions and focus on the visceral, the passionate, the act of making her his. Until he heard those words out of her mouth, he had been able to sway that errant part of his brain, but not anymore. Having heard 'I love you', even knowing it was for someone else, opened the floodgate and he couldn't force it closed. He couldn't tear his mind away from the thoughts as the images formed in his brain. He couldn't sweep away domestic visions with sexual ones, not after those words burned through him.
He was surprised to wake up sometime later, his neck stiff as he lifted his head off the back of the couch. The TV was muted on the movie menu with music filling the room. The loveseat was empty, Alexis and Paige were no longer sitting beside him, but a glance to his right found them across from each other at the dining table through a large archway. They were playing cards and laughing, but obviously keeping their voices low, probably in deference to him sleeping.
He sat there for a long moment, simply observing them as the haunting lyrics of the slow ballad played through speakers in the other room. Each word seemed to lash out and strike at his tightly reined control and cut deep into the parts of him that he was working so hard to keep at bay. He tried to focus on the joy he saw in his daughter's face as she swiped a small pile of M&Ms from the middle of the table. She had obviously won the hand.
But that damn song. It was playing through and the chorus returned, dragging him back out of his focus again and shifting him back to thoughts of Kate instead, thoughts he'd rather have slept through.
Alexis turned then and caught his eyes, making him immediately try his best to mask the thoughts and forcing himself into a smile as he faked a stretch. He saw she wasn't buying his shift in expression, but she turned back to the game as if allowing him time to pull himself together. He knew her and he knew he was in for a thorough interrogation, but not in front of her friend. She was tenacious and veracious and a number of other 'acious' adjectives, but she was also understanding and considerate. Wise beyond her years, she would let him have his time and privacy while she waited for the right time.
Feeling a more genuine smile as he thought about how amazing his girl was, he finally made an effort to walk over to them. Pulling out a chair, Castle grabbed the bag of M&Ms next to Alexis and poured some in front of him. The girls just smiled and Paige instantly dealt him into the next hand.
"Ladies," he began and he could see Alexis preparing to roll her eyes if he gave them a lecture on gambling or chocolate or how late it was, "Think we could switch to something a little less country chick and a little more suitable for your newest player?"
He saw the flash in Alexis as if she was stowing away some bit of information for that interrogation he was likely to face, but he didn't care, because she immediately reached for her iPod. As soon as it was off the dock, the ballad stopped and it only took her a moment to sift through to another folder of music. "Better?" she asked as she re-docked the player and rock music filtered into the room.
It was still at a low volume, but the guitars and thrumming bass line were comforting after the haunting acoustic guitar melody and eerily apt lyrics that had assaulted his consciousness on waking.
The night continued with light conversation and plenty of giggling from the two girls. At one point the trash talking had reached epic proportions and Alexis gave him a smug smile, "Yeah, you think you're hot stuff here, but I bet I'll stomp you on the slopes tomorrow."
"Oh, little girl, you don't know who you're messing with." He retorted automatically, lobbing an M&M at her that she barely had to move in order to catch in her mouth.
"I think you're a little cocky for a man your age." She told him with a smug smile and he couldn't do anything but grin right back at her. He wasn't actually sure he could beat her anymore.
"I think you're in over your head this time, Mr. Castle." Paige chimed in. He wasn't surprised that she would back her friend, but sent her a mock disapproving glare.
He and Alexis had always been competitive. From the moment she was old enough to compete, around age five, she wouldn't let him get away with letting her win. She had demanded that he put in his full effort and called him on it if he didn't. He was older, but most of what they did together had been as new to him as to her, ice skating, skiing, fencing, tennis, and so many other things.
She had started legitimately beating him in their endeavors a couple years ago, well when she was eight on the ice skating, but everything else had taken her a lot longer to master. She had yet to beat him in skiing, but he hadn't been to the mountain once that season so she had a couple of months on his rusty old skills. Even without that advantage, he had barely been able to win the previous year, so he was fairly certain she would finally best him at the last thing on their list.
Perhaps they would be able to start a new list, maybe it wasn't too late to take up other activities. Even the thought, however, brought into focus that she would be graduating before he knew it and off to college and to live her life. He wasn't looking forward to the day when he wouldn't get to come home and find her there, wouldn't be the ear she turned to when she needed a listener or the person she came to for advice.
He shook off the negative thoughts and focused on his daughter again, unwilling to let this one drop. "You're on."
There was a flurry of activity as they continued to trash talk while they cleaned up the mess of their poker game, none too surprised to see they didn't need to 'clean up' any of the chocolates because they had been finished off as everything was returned to its rightful place.
"I took your stuff into the guest room while you were sleeping." Alexis informed him, gesturing in the general direction of the room he had stayed in last time they had all taken a trip up here. "Should have everything you need in there."
Another tight hug that he felt filling his heart with what had been swiped out of it this weekend, and Alexis trailed after her friend to the other side of the house with a parting wave.
The night passed as the previous had. Difficulty falling asleep had him up for several hours after he lay down. He finally drifted off, but would have given anything to wake up after his dream started.
Unlike the night before where visions of Kate assaulted him with carnal intensity, these dreams had him quaking awake at a little after eight in the morning. Visions of her stayed fresh in his mind and he had his phone in hand, ready to hit send on her speed dial number before he even realized what he was doing.
He had a need to hear her voice that tore through him, but he cleared the entry and stared at the screen of his phone for a long moment. His mind revisited the images from his dream and he would have traded this heightened sense of fear and loss for the raging hardness that had greeted him the previous day. Dreams of her touching, caressing, tasting and teasing him were far less impactful than watching her die in front of him when there was nothing he could do about it.
The haunting vision of her pale and still, blood pooling from her chest as she fought to take a final breath gave him a nearly overwhelming desire to hear her voice and confirm she was indeed ok. But he talked himself down, knowing on a Sunday morning she was likely to be with her boyfriend and that would be awkward. Damn, he almost didn't care about awkward as he stared at the phone and the sound of blood gurgling in her throat as she tried to speak filtered through his mind.
Before he could talk himself back into calling her, there was a knock at the door and Alexis let him know breakfast was ready whenever he wanted to get out of bed.
Rumpled pajamas and messy hair, he headed out to join the others where he took some heat from Alexis who was already dressed and ready to go.
"Is this you conceding to my challenge, Dad, because it kind of looks like you're going to try and pull some excuse as to why you're not fit for a race today." The twinkle in her eye that usually portrayed her good humor was not there and he realized he was obviously giving off some kind of negative vibes, because she was faking it for him.
With a smile he thanked Monica for the waffles and winked at Alexis, "You just want me to forfeit because you're scared."
Castle was glad for light conversation and the simple joys in life as they finished breakfast. The only time he was alone with his thoughts was while he dressed and he went through the effort quickly before he could get bogged back down. He wanted nothing more than to get back to the healing powers of his daughter's presence, even though he knew he'd faced heavy gloating from the teen as soon as they hit the slopes and she wiped the floor with him.
He was surprised how few people were out skiing considering the weather and fresh snow, but he wasn't going to complain. That meant fewer witnesses to him getting stomped by his teenage daughter.
After a practice run on his borrowed skis, Alexis looped her arm through his and they rode the lift back to the top. This was her chance and she pounced on it as soon as they started up the slope, "What's going on with you, Dad?"
He wanted to tell her nothing, don't worry, it's no big deal, but he didn't lie to his daughter. He also didn't want to tell her the truth, because she was his daughter and there were just things that one didn't discuss with their own children. He decided, after a long silence where her curious look turned into a serious stare, that the truth, but only a part of it, would be the best course of action.
"Josh proposed." He heard Alexis gasp softly next to him.
"When?" she asked and then waved her hand as if telling him to disregard the question. "Is that why you disappeared yesterday?"
Castle couldn't do anything but nod as he tore his gaze away from her to take in the scenic view of the mountains as the lift continued to move them along higher.
"She didn't say yes." Alexis said and he thought it was a question, but she didn't say it as if she were asking a question, merely making an observation.
Castle shrugged, "She took the ring, doesn't that mean something?"
It was Alexis' turn to shrug and avoid his gaze as she thought up some explanation. Suddenly, her eyes were back on him, taking in his expression as if looking straight through him, "You slept with her." She finally said. He knew she was fishing, but he must have given something away because she punched him in the arm. "You slept with her and then came here? What are you doing here instead of in New York with her?"
Castle swallowed around the lump in his throat, "She didn't want me to stay. She wanted one night that we would forget about after it was over so she could go back to Josh."
Alexis was giving him a confused look that suddenly turned stone anger and pierced him, "Whose words were those? Who wanted to forget this?"
"She did. Her words." He said as he thought about her finally coming out of her bedroom, her comments in the living room later, a small part of his brain latched onto the point that he had actually been the first to suggest it, but it was off hand, not serious.
Alexis was shaking her head, "I don't believe it." She finally said, as she tugged on his arm and he realized they were almost to the top. "She wouldn't, she couldn't," his daughter seemed lost for words as they disembarked and stood on their skis at the top, looking down the two trails, but not moving to start their little race.
"She did." Castle responded and gestured for them to pick between the beginner and intermediate courses in front of them.
Alexis pointed to the intermediate course, but didn't move to begin, "Then she didn't take the ring. Detective Beckett wouldn't do something like that. She wouldn't dishonor a commitment like that. She wouldn't and you know it."
"I saw the ring, Alexis." He was getting frustrated now, because he didn't want to think about this anymore.
"Where?" she asked, but he just raised an eyebrow, because he didn't understand the question. "Where was the ring? Was it on her hand?"
Castle shook his head, "No."
Alexis smiled at him, "Then she didn't accept it."
Castle frowned at her, wanting to believe her so badly, "She doesn't really wear flashy jewelry, especially not to work."
Alexis was frowning again with her hands on her hips, "So it was on the necklace with her Mom's ring?" she asked finally, but Castle had enough of this line of questioning.
He didn't want to think about the damn ring, he wanted to graciously lose to his daughter in a race down the mountain, feel the cold wind bite at his face and later warm up around a fire with some more hot cocoa. "Ready? Set."
He waited, and it took longer than normal for her to glare at him for changing the subject before she finally said, "Go." and they began down the hill.
To his surprise, and possibly entirely to do with his larger body mass, an advantage he could easily lose to her skills, he pulled out ahead of her quickly. The winding of the intermediate trail provided her the opportunity to almost catch him, but then it turned into another straightaway and he pulled a little further ahead.
Not surprisingly, his daughter's words came back to him and the sudden realization of what it meant. Alexis was right. If she had accepted the ring, it would have been on her finger or on her necklace, not shoved in her drawer to be forgotten or ignored. .
The cold wind whipped his face as he continued down the mountain with her hot on his trail. He suddenly wondered if he had royally screwed the pooch with his abrupt departure after she fell asleep. Had she actually wanted him there? Had he actually read her eyes correctly as she rocked with him and she wanted him as much as he wanted her?
He almost stood out of his crouch as a sudden thought struck him. Had she actually meant those words for him? The shock of that thought jolted him and he felt himself twitch as if slapped hard across the face. The movement was tiny, but from his nearly upright position, it set off a chain reaction that had him fighting to keep control of himself.
He wobbled precariously as he watched a turn in the trail approaching fast. With a quick move he crouched back into position and leaned into the turn, realizing at the last second that he wasn't going to make it and trying to position his skis for a stop.
The sudden move slowed him, but he watched in horror as he hit a little bunny hill along the edge of the trail that separated the clearing from a patch of trees.
He felt himself start to tumble and dropped his poles to cover his head a moment before he felt the impact of his body against the snow and then something far more solid than the white powder and he knew he hadn't been able to avoid the trees.
He couldn't even tell what hurt from the shock racing through him everything felt numb and on fire at the same time. He heard Alexis' voice panicked as she called his name. Then another sound permeated the fog in his head and he was jarred to realize it was laughter.
He wondered who was so inconsiderate that they would think it funny to watch someone plow through the snow into a tree. It took him a moment to realize the laughter was his own, though he still wondered what could possibly be funny.
x.x.x
A/N: Wow, that chapter got long and some things happened that even I didn't see coming. Weird, but I'll roll with it because that's what I do. It's 2am and I have to get up for work in 4 hours. Whoops, stupid never ending chapter.
So, you guys don't all have to be nice to me because I got bitchy last chapter, I still want to know if you honestly have issue with something or are frustrated or upset. Though, I'm really not complaining about your insightful and amazing words.
Some of you were worried about your Ch. 14 review and I can say you weren't the problem. I don't know how many people got to the anonymous venom before I deleted it, but basically I was just trying to avoid personal attacks like being called a crazy, heartless, stupid bitch who wouldn't know Kate's personality if it bit me in the ass. I'm crazy, but only for my husband. My alcoholic Ex is the only one who actually believes I'm heartless. I'm no Brennan, but I'm definitely not stupid. The bitch part I embrace, it's a badge of honor in my family. So, long rambling author's note short, don't judge me, judge the work or just keep it to yourself.
Don't worry, the death threats were in good humor from my official Twitter stalker and I know she's just being silly. If I didn't message you to ask if there was anything constructive you wanted to add or you didn't say the above in an anonymous review, then don't change your personality because I was not talking about you in the last author's note. I said before, well thought out reviews, good or bad can be better than just a general 'Good Job', because they help make future chapters better.
Reviews that made my day: Anonymous Sue, who gave me a great idea for an upcoming chapter in a couple of weeks. BeautyOfTheDarkKLM and SkySmoke, for childhood references that took me back, Mojo Jojo and Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day (respectively). BellaPaige, for the NCIS reference, I have wanted to Gibbs slap both of them several times throughout the years. DeBo81, who, in a roundabout way, said my relationship with my husband is unrealistic because we never fight and everything is always great, made me smile. whimorawhy, thanks for the cookie, chocolate chip is my favorite. daphnebeauty, you are hilarious. I loved the top ten, cracked me up and made me want some bacon. Scully223, because it's nice to find others who loved Countdown. It's about the journey.
Thanks to everyone for reading.