Chapter Sixteen

The rest of her weekend passed in a blur of trying to stay active and avoiding any kind of conversation with Lanie who would make her dredge up all the things she was effectively burying. Kate woke on Sunday feeling almost in control of her thoughts. If someone had told her a few days ago that Castle would have permeated her mind to the point of being perpetually distracting, she would have told that person they were a lunatic. But she had spent the rest of Saturday unable to do anything to stop herself from thinking about him.

Waking up on Sunday, she was glad to not have any expectations of finding him in her house, though her diminished expectations were still a form of thinking about him and she had to squash that. It was easily swept away as she went about getting ready to start her day. Throwing on her running clothes, she headed out of her apartment.

The chill air felt good against her face as she did a couple of quick stretches before setting a steady pace. She heard the sound of her feet on the sidewalk blend with the ever-present traffic noise of the city and together with the steady motion it washed the thoughts straight out of her head. Steady breathing, heart beating, feet moving, these were the things that made up her morning jog and she enjoyed the ability to clear away all her thoughts in a simple activity.

Her run had almost doubled of its own accord as she found herself unable to stop once she made the loop around her neighborhood. She let her anxious feet continue to drive her down another path, the one she took when she had less time in the morning. The second loop was shorter and by the time she got back to her apartment she felt thoroughly exhausted, but still restless.

She stripped and slipped into the shower, pulling the curtain around and feeling her legs wobble slightly from the exertion. She probably should have taken a bath, but the last thing she wanted was to sit still for too long.

Before she knew it, the afternoon had arrived and she was walking out of her apartment on her way to pick up Josh.

She didn't know how she felt about much of anything this weekend, surprised to have had everything turned so thoroughly on its head. Shocked at how quickly everything made sense and, at the same time, nothing did. She did know that she was an honorable person, Friday's actions excluded, and she would honor her commitment to Josh regardless of the situation or what had happened between them the day before at lunch.

When she got to Josh's apartment building, he was already waiting outside and gestured for her to pop the locks before tossing his bag in the back seat and sliding into the passenger side. "Thanks again, Kate."

She reached over and took his hand in hers, giving it a quick squeeze, "It's not a problem. You know that." She responded.

His fingers tightened around hers slightly for a brief moment before he released her and she was back to driving with both hands on the wheel. "What happened to your hands?" she asked, having noticed the slight swelling and redness around his knuckles.

Josh chuckled, but it sounded hallow and she knew before he spoke that he was going to say something either only half true or an all-out lie. "Packing mishap." He responded, but turned his gaze out the window on his side as he folded his hands together in his lap.

She was fairly certain that if she were to go into his apartment she'd find some evidence of the damage his fists did to whatever wall he had punched. It was a stupid and juvenile expression of anger and frustration, doubly so because of how valuable his hands were as tools of his trade, but she couldn't say that she blamed him for the reaction.

The rest of the trip was made in near silence, neither seemed willing to talk, but it wasn't gloomy and for that she was grateful. She didn't think she could take it if they started talking about certain things and was glad for the peace that sharing the car with the soft music the only sound aside from traffic and the blare of car horns.

The drive was over too quickly and not quickly enough as Kate found a parking spot and headed inside with him. Josh's bag was slung over his shoulder, seemingly casually, but she could feel the tension radiating off of him despite his calm exterior. She pulled him into a hug and as he tentatively returned the gesture she felt the tension ease in him just slightly.

"Be careful." She whispered before releasing him and taking a step back.

Josh's smile was mixed with excitement and apprehension, "I always am." He responded as he dug in the side pocket off his bag and pulled out his ticket. "I'm not sure how long I'll be gone."

Kate gave him a curious look, before she nodded in confirmation that she understood. He had been certain it would be less than three weeks, just long enough to help set up a surgical team, and now it was open ended. Her heart ached a little at the thought. "I'm serious." She finally told him, reaching for his hand again, "Be careful over there, it's not like other places."

Josh gave her a kind, if slightly condescending, smile, "I've been half a dozen times in the past several years, I'll be fine." He waved with the hand holding his boarding pass and before she could say anything else he had turned away and started through the throngs of people gathered for departure or arrival. She watched until his tall figure disappeared from view and then turned with a sigh and headed back towards her car. She felt a Remy's cheeseburger calling her and almost smiled at the ridiculousness of going there on her day off when she already ate there entirely too often thanks to working so close.

She ate alone at the counter and went home to her empty apartment that still felt like it held the ghost of someone else. Haunting memories she had almost successfully ignored all day. With a groan of annoyance and frustration, she put on a movie and curled into the couch determined to waste away the rest of her day in mindless distraction.

It was past dinner time when the movie got over, but she was still full from her late lunch and feeling more than a little run down from fighting her own thoughts all day. Trying to keep her mind from filling with thoughts or worries, she turned everything off and straightened up her living room. Almost on auto-pilot she grabbed a book and scooped up her pillow and blanket that were still on the couch as she headed in to bed.

It was still early for bed, but not too early and she knew she could easily spend a couple of hours reading before sleep finally took her. She got ready for bed on auto-pilot and was settled under the covers, leaned against her pillows when she grabbed her book. Suddenly, hiding from the thoughts that had been trying to plague her all day wasn't possible any more.

She growled in frustration as she tossed the book on her nightstand and lay back in the bed staring at the ceiling. She shouldn't have turned herself on auto pilot, because if she were thinking at all she would have grabbed any other writer's book or no book at all. Because now she felt her eyes drifting to the night stand and her fingers itching to flip the book over and look at his picture on the jacket.

Forcing her gaze past the book she watched the clock change over. It wasn't even nine and she wondered, not for the first time, if she should just call him. Just so that the first time they spoke after whatever Friday was to each of them wasn't in the middle of the bullpen with a dozen witnesses.

His name in large letters along the spine of the book drew her eyes and that familiar worry that had been with her all weekend crept back into her mind. How bad had she screwed up letting things get so far out of hand on Friday? She wondered if things would ever be like they had been before, whether they could still work together without something getting in the way. She couldn't even look at his name on the cover of his book without feeling a slight flush of desire and a memory of their night together followed by a momentary flash of anger at his immediate dismissal. She was worried about how she'd do face to face.

Beckett couldn't help but wonder if her control would suffer when she found herself in close proximity to him again. Castle could be grating and irritating on a normal day, but would it get to her more while she was already harboring some issues of frustration and disappointment towards him? She knew herself well enough to know that even under the most dire of circumstances, she almost never failed in her ability to lock it down, stomp it away, and not let it impact her job. She didn't know how successful that method would be considering the personality type she was going to be dealing with.

On a good day the man could get under her skin and drive her bonkers. Somewhere in the back of her mind she reminded herself that on a bad day he was always there, willing and ready to do whatever she needed him to do. "Including nothing, if that's what you need." Memory of the sincerity in his voice in that moment came over her like a wave of realization and she wondered if she had been looking at this whole thing wrong.

She shook her head to clear the thoughts, because he hadn't been that person this weekend. He hadn't been her partner or friend or someone she could rely on. He had been a man, one that took what he wanted and left without a word.

She never would have expected that from him, not from the man who had been her partner, her shoulder at time, surprisingly her rock more often than she cared to admit. But she couldn't shake the thoughts. The detective in her couldn't stop trying to puzzle this one out, because whether she wanted to admit it or not, the motive behind his leaving was a mystery to her. The motive of any action was always instrumental in determining why a decision was made and despite how she spun it, nothing made sense.

She allowed herself to reflect on that and for the first time since waking on Saturday morning she let herself really think through what happened instead of pushing the thoughts away. It didn't seem to help, because she always ended in the same place. She told him how she felt and he ran. Would he always run? Some traitorous part of her brain spoke up and she couldn't help but mull that over a moment before pushing the thought away.

It was a fantasy, all of it. They were two different worlds and it was miracle enough that they could work together without killing each other, anything more would be tempting fate. The sooner she got that clear in her head the better off she'd be. Still she was bothered by the question, one simple question. She had almost called him a dozen or more times in the past two days just to ask him that one question, but something in her stopped her every time. She knew that if she didn't just get it over with, they would probably be in the middle of the squad room or at some crime scene and she wouldn't be able to stop herself from blurting it out. One word that could undo both of them in the middle of a scene, "Why?"

Finally having talked herself into doing something she had been trying to talk herself out of for two days, Kate noted that it was still before nine and not too late to call. She was barely nervous this time as she dialed and she considered the new evidence that discussing things tonight would let them clear the air so that tomorrow wouldn't be awkward.

Once the call connected and began to ring, she almost hung up and then felt a flush of heat to her face. She wasn't some love struck kid, she was a grown woman and she didn't need to be so worked up over having a conversation with a man she had been talking to almost every day for years.

When his phone was answered, however, she was momentarily taken aback. "Oh, hey, Alexis. Did you have a good trip?"

"It was alright, I suppose. Dad came up yesterday and we're staying over again tonight. Probably won't get back to the city until late tomorrow at the earliest."

Beckett was confused, both by the girl's words and by the tone she was using. It sounded strained or troubled, but she could have sworn there was a layer of anger or frustration in there. She shook off the thought; she had made enough assumptions in the past couple of days and didn't need to be jumping to any more conclusions, at least until she had answers on the issues she was already dealing with. "Don't you have school tomorrow?" she finally asked, feeling that was the easiest way to get at the issue because Alexis didn't miss class for anything frivolous.

There was a short pause and Kate wondered if she was even going to answer, "I think it's alright to miss a day when Dad wants to spend time with me."

"Is he around?" Kate asked, wondering why she even bothered he obviously wasn't or Alexis wouldn't be answering his phone.

"Sort of." Alexis hedged, "but he can't talk right now. Is it important? I can take a message or have him call you tomorrow when he's up?" she asked.

"Sure, yeah, that would be fine." Kate replied, "Thanks." She added before they exchanged what felt like forced pleasantries.

They were just saying good night when she heard Castle in the background, "Alexis, what's taking you so long? It's your turn?"

"Night." Alexis responded to her and then there was silence.

The call had left her bewildered and annoyed. Castle had sounded happy in the back ground, upbeat, possibly intoxicated, but definitely capable of taking a phone call. She had to wonder if he was using Alexis to avoid her. It didn't seem like something he would do, but it also didn't seem to be that much of a stretch to assume that's why the teen was irritated as they spoke on the phone. Alexis was being forced into being the go between for her and Castle and she wasn't happy about it.

As annoyed as Beckett was with him avoiding her phone call, the information that he wasn't going to be into the precinct tomorrow seemed to piss her off even more. While it should have been a relief, instead it worried her. She had spent the weekend unsure of what to say or ask or even do with herself when she saw him again on Monday, but the sudden thought that she might not see him again at all had replaced the projections of what might happen the following day.

x.x.x

A/N: So, reading through last chapter the next day I was wondering if I actually slept while I was typing that one… hmm. Dug myself into a hole I wasn't expecting to have to dig out of, but on a brighter note I dislike this one just as much as the last so at least I'm consistent.

Review that made my day: You're all awesome, but SkySmoke, had me laughing so hard I cried. Missed the word 'hill' while reading last chapter and suddenly Castle skied over a little bunny. "OMG don't kill the bunny!" Apparently this was common and at least two others read it this way as well. I shouldn't use the word little in front of Bunny when I'm denying you all fluff with this story, because all you see is the little bunny, miss the hill and then apparently think I murdered a cute furry creature on top of everything else I'm putting you through. Too freaking funny.

ArafelSedai, Hello my long lost relative ;)

I can't find the review now, but someone asked about the country song referenced in the last chapter. Take your pick of 'whiny chick songs' as my husband would call them, but I had the chorus from Lady Antebellum's "All We'd Ever Need" in my head as I wrote that.

Thanks to everyone for reading.