Chapter Eighteen
Castle was feeling better physically, but his mind was still a mess. Alexis had accused him of regressing to a toddler since he had been injected with the pain killer at the hospital. As a result of his less than mature behavior, he had tried to avoid taking the prescription he was given to relieve any undue stress on his daughter. That hadn't gone over any better with Alexis than him being medicated. So, he had spent a good portion of the day doped up on Hydrocodone staring at the wall and wondering if his brain was ever going to be his again.
It was amazing what a day under the influence of medication and mostly lazing around could do. By Monday evening he was feeling more like himself, but perhaps that had more to do with being in his own house instead of up on the mountains. He was still on pain management to deal with the throbbing in his head and bruised ribs, but he was spending more time between doses, despite Alexis' insistence that he whined too much if he didn't keep to the dosing schedule.
"As needed." He had pointed out to her, waving the pill bottle in her face, perhaps a little too closely if her startled step backwards was anything to go by. It left him wondering when he had lost depth perception.
He was greeted with an eye roll that made him think about Beckett again, not that he had really stopped. "Seriously?" his daughter had asked with sarcasm laced words, "I think holding your head on the verge of tears and avoiding all sources of light and sound still qualifies as 'needed'."
She had held her glare on him until he relented and swallowed the offered medication, then she spun on her heel and headed back out of the living room, probably in search of his mother to talk some sense into him or perhaps take a shift as his babysitter.
He could see the affect his medicated state was having on Alexis. She was exasperated with him. She hadn't let him take any important calls, including talking to Beckett the night before, but he couldn't help the part of him that was insistent on ignoring her advice as he snatched his phone off the counter and hit the speed dial. The phone rang three times and he briefly wondered if he was interrupting something since it didn't usually take her that long to answer her phone.
"Beckett." She had greeted and just hearing the familiarity of the greeting brought a smile to his face.
"Hey, Beckett." He returned lightly, "Just got home, thought I'd let you know I survived a two hour drive with Alexis at the wheel."
He heard what sounded like a car door closing and knew she had closed herself into her car from the way the sound of traffic instantly diminished. He was left wondering whether she was off to check on a new lead. The thought of her running down leads and suspects alone made him slightly nervous and he couldn't wait for Alexis to head back to school tomorrow so he could see if he'd make it a full day without medication, perhaps he could be back at work on Wednesday. He almost laughed at how quickly Alexis would kill him if she could read his mind.
The thought of laughter left his head when he heard the dull tone as she spoke, "That's seriously how you're going to start this conversation?" he heard her let out a breath that rushed over the mouthpiece of her phone and sounded loud to his ears, "Are you drunk?"
"What?" her question was surprising. The doctor had advised against drinking while on this medication and he definitely didn't need to be more of a pain to his family, "No, not drunk. What are you doing?"
With a sigh he heard that she was relenting to this conversation and he was glad, because even talking about mundane subjects was better than not talking to her at all, "It's after seven, I'm going home." Apparently, she wasn't relenting as much as he thought, because her tone was clipped.
"Alone?" he asked, not sure why he was even bothering with the self-flagellation.
He could practically see her roll her eyes, "Does it matter?" he couldn't tell with his unfocused brain, but that might have been a hopeful question or just a stock one and he suddenly wondered if he had underestimated his daughter's forethought, again. Perhaps she had been right about keeping him off the phone while he was filling so far off the mark.
Still, the only thing running through his mind was the seemingly hidden offer in her words. "Not tonight." He had responded as if she were actually offering.
"What's that supposed to mean?" and there was a new edge to her voice, not angry, but perhaps wary, or maybe it was anger, or just exhaustion. Suddenly he couldn't understand her fully and he wondered how to most easily get off the phone without being rude, as he realized that if he spent any more time talking to her he was going to further make an ass of himself.
Despite that knowledge, he opened his mouth, "It's been a rough weekend, I'm not sure I'm up for a rematch. That's all."
"It wasn't an invitation."
Castle shrugged before he realized she couldn't see him, "Sounded like it might have been." He said off handedly as he suddenly became fascinated with the buttons on his shirt. They were smooth and shiny with a little ridge around the edge. The pad of his forefinger fit perfectly into the slight indentation of the button and he realized after a moment of fiddling with the button that she had been talking to him.
"I'm hanging up now, Castle."
"Wait." He was relieved when the ambient noise continued through earpiece indicating that she hadn't hung up, but then he kicked himself because he had actually been trying to get off the phone. "I'm not going to be in for a couple days."
"Listen," her tone had softened slightly, or perhaps that was his perception as he had moved on from the button to the smooth material of the shirt. Everything seemed to soften around him, but he was hoping he didn't misinterpret the shift in her as his mind skewed towards smooth and soft. "I know we said we weren't going to talk about it," she continued.
Castle couldn't help wondering where the conversation had gone while he was lost in thoughts about shirts and buttons, "Talk about what?"
Her sound of exasperation further solidified the thought that he needed to get off the phone. "Can you be serious, Castle?"
"Probably not." He answered truthfully. The effect of his prescription making him feel like he wouldn't ever be able to focus or be serious again and it caused a childish giggle to erupt from him.
"You know what?" she asked, and despite his desire to respond 'No, what?' she was talking again so quickly he didn't have an opportunity to. "This is exactly why Friday night was a mistake."
"That's one mistake I'd like to repeat." He responded absently as he heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs and he already knew he was in for a lecture when Alexis found him on the phone, so he stood and made his way into his office, closing the door behind him.
"I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you." She sounded pissed off now and he was getting dizzy, so he dropped heavily into the first chair he came to.
"What's your problem?" he finally asked when he registered that she hadn't said anything for several seconds.
He heard the sharp inhale that signified she'd be letting him have it and he winced in preparation even as he tried to figure out what he had done to piss her off. "What's my problem? What's your problem, Castle?" It was a question, but instead of waiting for his response she answered it herself, "You come into my house and say all sorts of things you have no right saying to me and then you walked out, but you want to know the worst part? You promised, you promised me this wouldn't ruin us. Yet, here you are, first chance you get calling to tell me it'll be a few days and then the days will turn into weeks and weeks to month, but you'll probably spend that entire time too chicken shit to just come right out and tell me that you're done working together."
He couldn't follow the rant. It didn't make sense. He just needed a couple of days to recover, it shouldn't take him weeks and the rest of it was too complicated to focus on, "You know what you're problem is, Beckett?" he asked, surprised by his calm voice.
Before he could continue she barreled forward, "My problem was thinking you were a man of your word."
"Hey, that's not even fair. I can't come in for a few days and you're talking like it's a personal attack." He responded
"Can't or won't?" she asked simply.
"I can't right now. If I meant 'won't' I would've said that." He responded, not entirely sure why he was being so snippy with her except that she should understand that he would be there if he didn't have this raging headache. There was nothing he could do about it.
"How about I just make this easier for you?" she asked and he definitely didn't like her tone, "Don't even bother with your excuses and dragging this out. I can take a hint, Castle."
"What are you talking about?" generally confused, at least that's one emotion he actually managed to genuinely intend his tone to express.
"Let's just make this easier and I'll give you a pass to go back on your word. Don't worry about coming back."
"Kate, seriously?"
"We don't need you."
The words struck him and he felt the last of his control slip away, "What the hell is wrong with you?" he snapped. "You're kicking me out? I didn't even do anything."
"You don't want to be here. I'm just making it easier for you."
"I didn't say I didn't want to be there. I do." He responded as passionately as he could while he was feeling slightly breathless.
"If you wanted to be here you would have showed up today." She responded, "You wouldn't be telling me you need a few more days."
"I'm hurting, Kate." He explained wondering why she didn't understand.
"Get over it, Castle." Her tone was soft and if he weren't so off his game he might have been able to tell if that catch in her voice was a reaction to the words or the cold air as he heard the sound of traffic heavy again as if she had opened her car door.
"You know what I think?" he asked and it was his turn to barrel over her, or at least he took the opportunity to do it while she was quiet. "I think you're being ridiculous because you're ashamed of what you did. Probably more ashamed that you liked it, and you were so damn sure that you wouldn't." He heard her trying to stop him, but he kept talking over the sound of her saying his name in an increasingly insistent tone. "Having me there would be a reminder, maybe a temptation, and while I'm all for a round two, you're going to slip back into that shell and hide from real heat and real passion."
"Castle." This time her warning was clear and it almost derailed his thought process.
Then thinking about how it almost derailed his thought process actually had him losing track of what he was saying. He picked up the train of thought towards the end. "No, if it was as hot as that with your little doctor, you wouldn't have let me get past that first kiss before you kicked my ass, so don't even try to deny it."
"Oh God, the size of your ego is astounding."
"It's not the size of my ego that impressed you." He retorted. "But I understand. You don't need me, don't want me around, it's fine. You're stronger than this though. You shouldn't hide behind your fake civility and pretend like you're doing this for me. How about I make it easier for you instead?" Her silence seemed to goad him on, "Don't worry about me coming back. I won't bother you anymore. Have a nice life with your doctor and your marriage and your two point five kids in the suburbs with a dog and a cat. We're done." He hung up without waiting to hear her tell him that she would and she'd be sure and be happy while she did it.
Castle stared at the phone in his hand, wondering exactly what just happened and how instead of having a conversation with Beckett that went more along the lines of, 'Want to have dinner and discuss a few things?' he ended up sitting in his office arguing with her. He couldn't even figure out how that conversation had spiraled so far out of control. Hell, he couldn't figure out what they were even arguing about, but he was mad at her for being so callous about his situation.
As much as he knew it would have been torture to sit with her knowing he couldn't touch her or mention their night together, he would have still preferred that to almost anything else, and now it seemed that was a thought for the past. It was destined to be just a memory and he wasn't sure how much he'd fully grasp that until he got the damn medicine out of his system.
Alexis chose that moment to walk into his office. He watched her gaze fall on the object in his hand and her eyes hardened. "Dad." Her reprimanding tone really was getting very good, he thought he should probably tell her she had about nailed it, "Who did you call?" she snatched the phone out of his limp grasp and he didn't feel the need to answer since she was obviously going through his call log. "Oh, please tell me it was a friendly conversation."
He shook his head to tell her no and saw her eyes flash with something that looked like regret or possibly irritation. He really needed to get some sleep and get off these pills, because he couldn't think clearly on them. Nothing made sense and he couldn't even read his own daughter when her face was being completely expressive.
"I'm going to lie down." He rose onto unsteady feet and swept past her, his eyes and mind already on the couch as soon as he hit the doorway.
x.x.x
A/N: Sorry for the delay. I find writing dialogue on the phone without facial expressions and the ability to describe looks difficult enough without making Castle all hopped up on drugs. Doubly troubling. Anyway, hope it comes across alright because I've been tweaking it for two days and I've lost perspective. I'm sure you'll all keep me in line, if you ever get your notifications with fanfiction being all wonky lately.
Review that made my day: sarahlovesa, I do not envy you taking 49 14 year olds anywhere. I hope this update reaches you in Paris and allows you a moment to relax from what I'm sure is a stressful trip. On the novel front, not for a while I'm sure. I'd have to stop writing fanfic to finish my book and I'm in the middle of a few things here and having way too much fun to give it up right now. Perhaps, someday.
Thanks to everyone for reading.