Chapter Nineteen

She didn't even make it into her apartment as the line clicked off she played his words again in her head.

He denied being drunk, but he sounded like he was well over three sheets to the wind. He made statements about wanting to be with her again, but she couldn't tell if it was just a fling or something else he wanted. Then everything had gone to hell as he hid behind what he couldn't do, how he couldn't make bring himself to face her.

She didn't know what he'd meant when he said can't. She had some idea, because she was worried that she couldn't go back to how things were, but she didn't know if he literally meant he couldn't or that it would be hard.

It was a kneejerk reaction to tell him off. She knew as soon as the words were out of her mouth that telling him they didn't need him was a mistake. She didn't need to drag him down with her and she definitely didn't need to lash out and be a bitch just because she was hurting.

However, no matter the logic in that, it seemed she automatically flipped a switch and suddenly she was trying to make him feel the same hurt. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted telling him they didn't need him. She could hear the hurt in his voice and the sincerity as he continued speaking despite his obvious reluctance and frustration.

Then there was the pleading in his voice as he said, "I'm hurting, Kate." As if he was begging for her to understand and confused that she couldn't.

He had sounded sincere as he tried to explain that he did want to be there today. Thinking about her day spent deflecting questions from Esposito and Ryan about his absence, not having him to bounce ideas off of, being cornered by Lanie, she couldn't help the fresh slew of anger.

After all that, as she was finally heading home, she got his call and everything spiraled out of control until he was telling her in a bitter vehement tone that she should have a nice life with Josh. He hadn't meant a word of it. She knew that, could tell from the way he said it, but it still hurt to hear him say, "We're done."

Those words had her turning back around before she hit her elevator. She was in her car and driving before she even gave it a second thought. Adrenaline joined the fury in her veins. If he thought he was going to just pin this mess on her and walk away, then he was in for one shocking smack back into reality.

Her hands trembled slightly with the rush of anger in her veins, but she didn't notice until she balled her hand into a tight fist and banged soundly on his door. Three loud raps and then she waited none too patiently for the door to be answered.

She was prepared to push past him and lay into him as soon as the door cracked open, but the flash of red hair and a sheepish expression stopped her in her tracks. In an odd twist on what normally greeted her on knocking at this particular door, it didn't open for her entry; instead Alexis stepped out into the hall.

"It's not a good time." The teen told her, closing the door behind her and leaning against it. "Can you come back tomorrow or in a couple days?"

Beckett gave her a serious once over. Alexis looked tired, perhaps a little frustrated, and Kate found herself wondering if Castle had actually told the girl what happened. "I just need to talk to him, it's a private matter."

The look Alexis leveled on her in that moment gave Kate all the answer she needed. The girl knew exactly what happened between her and Castle and the thought of it made her feel a little heat in her cheeks. It wasn't embarrassment; it was a fresh wave of anger.

"Look, Detective Beckett," Alexis started and Kate hated that tone in the girl's voice, outrage she could handle, even disgust or standard teenage repulsion at the thought of her father having sex, but it was sympathetic and so was her tone. "I know you probably have some things to discuss," the girls eyes widened just slightly as she elaborated, "And I want nothing to do with those things, but I'm serious when I tell you that now is not the best time."

Just as Kate was going to argue that it was a fine time, the door opened and Castle peeked his head through the crack. She was almost angry at herself for the sudden wave of relief that washed over her as she spotted the grin on his face and heard his lighthearted greeting, "Hey, Beckett."

She only noticed his smile in her peripheral vision, because just like always her eyes were immediately drawn to his as if they held the answers to all her questions. Tonight the normally clear blue of his eyes was obscured by abnormally large pupils and a glassiness that had her instantly confused, "Are you on drugs?"

Alexis had already turned to shoo her dad inside when the door was pulled open a little further, clearing the shadows around his face. She spotted the bruising immediately, from his temple down the side of his cheek, barely reaching his jawline and disappearing into his hair. It looked as if he had been struck across the side of his head with a baseball bat.

She didn't even think about it, but pushed past him and Alexis into their loft, stopping the argument they were obviously having, even though neither was speaking. She saw Martha making her way over to them all from the kitchen, but she turned and trained her eyes back on Castle again. He had obviously finished the silent conversation with Alexis and had trained his glassy eyes and a silly smile on her instead.

"What the hell happened to you?" she asked, not sure why the sharp tone except that her anger wasn't dissipating. Being kept in the dark seemed to have riled her up even further.

She watched as Castle's head whipped around to Alexis as he said, "You didn't tell her?" at the same time his mother asked Castle the same question.

Kate watched as the normally confident teen seemed to shrink back a little as if uncomfortable or uncertain. It was an odd moment to witness, knowing the girl was normally so self-assured.

Castle was the one to respond, however, turning his eyes back towards her, "Skis and trees." He said and followed it with a single sharp bark of laughter that had her instantly convinced as to why Alexis was telling her it wasn't a good time. "That rhymed.

Alexis looked sheepish, and sounded meek as she apologized to her dad, "If I told her she'd have showed up and you would have been a jerk or said something stupid and then I would have felt responsible."

"Good plan, but I still made an ass of myself." He told his daughter with a glance in Beckett's direction.

Kate was certain the words were a form of apology, but before she could respond, Martha was sweeping between her and Castle. She hadn't noticed that the woman grabbed a couple of jackets and before she knew what was happening Martha had linked her arm with Alexis', "We were just on our way out to catch a movie." She said lightly, but Kate detected the lie in her voice.

Alexis was glaring at the older woman, "No, Grams, we weren't." she said stubbornly and her intention of protecting her father from himself was clear.

"It's alright." Beckett heard herself saying before she realized. The anger was slightly abated and replaced with a newfound understanding for what Castle had meant when he told her 'I can't' and the understanding that he didn't have any idea she had been kept in the dark. "I'll come back another time, or Castle and I can talk when he gets back to work."

Martha gave her a kind smile as she lead Alexis through the door, "No worries, dear, we're glad to have a break from him. He's been a handful." Just before she closed the door soundly behind her and a clearly frustrated Alexis, she said, "We're going to get some dinner when we're done, so don't wait up for us Richard." Then she turned her eyes back to Kate, "Thanks for looking after him."

She knew the implications of those words as the door closed soundly behind the two women leaving her alone with Castle. Now, not only was she alone with the man she had been so angry with over the weekend, she was expected to look after him. Probably to make sure he didn't stick a fork in the outlets or jump out the window thinking he could fly.

She finally dragged her eyes off the closed door and met his. Her gaze instantly took in the bruising and the way his arm was bent; hand over his ribs as if protecting them. Her mind suddenly went to the previous afternoon and driving Josh to the airport. She thought about his lie concerning the raw and swollen knuckles and suddenly wondered if it wasn't a wall after all. She thought Castle might be covering for the doctor out of some misguided nobility.

She didn't know why, but she had the sudden desire to price a ticket to the other side of the world. She hadn't told Josh about Castle or what happened this weekend, but he wasn't an idiot. However, if he had assumed and done this to the man then she didn't even know if almost four thousand miles was enough distance to put between himself and her. She tried to stamp down the thought. She had just been pissed at Castle five minutes ago and now her fury was directed at someone that might have hurt him. It was ridiculous.

"Tell me the truth, Castle." She finally said, noting his confusion. "What happened to you? Did someone do this?"

Castle continued to give her a perplexed expression as he made his way past her, looking unsteady as he sat at a stool in the kitchen. "What? No." his laugh was obviously more from embarrassment than humor, "Just me and my penchant for getting distracted at the wrong moment."

"I'm not joking around here, Castle." She could tell by the small frown that passed over his face that he understood the edge to her tone.

He smiled up at her wryly, "I actually kind of wish someone had done this, because fists are softer than trees and at least I would have been able to get a couple swings in before they took me out."

She felt her eyes narrow on him, taking in his expression and determining if he was being truthful. He seemed to be telling the truth, but she wasn't familiar with his rapidly changing mood, or the way he was so easily distracted. He suddenly found a line of grout in the countertop unusually interesting. She watched him stare at his finger as it traced the line between the granite and the sink; he suddenly looked up at her. "This is the problem, isn't it?" he asked.

It was her turn to be confused, but she was going to go with him because he was either on the verge of a breakthrough or a breakdown and she didn't know if she could stop either.

"We're the counter and the sink." He said after a long pause, and then looked up at her as if she should follow his train of thought. Castle gave a heavy sigh, clearly frustrated that she didn't understand, frustrated that his addled mind had to function enough to explain his thought process.

She watched him Climb back to his feet and turn his back to the counter, leaning against the edge as he brought his eyes to hers. Having already seen the effect of his medication, she was still surprised to see the unusually dark eyes from the large pupils. His eyes were black with only a small ring of blue. The glazed look was even more troubling. It made her stomach tighten slightly at the implications of him being medicated; Implications that went further than the knowledge that he had been in danger, or the understanding that he wouldn't be making much sense as long as he was on his pills.

She pushed the thoughts away as his focus seemed to shift off her to the bank of windows.

"See," he started, and for the first time since she arrived he didn't have the upbeat lilt in his voice, "They work together really well." He looked back to her as he explained, "The sink and counter." He elaborated as if making sure that she was following him. He turned back to the counter and moved his finger over to trace the edge where the sink was sealed in place.

"They work well together, even though they are so different. It's because there's a line." He explained as his finger slowly trailed along the grouting. "That's the problem we have to face, now, because we crossed it and I don't know if we can go back."

She was far from interested in having a sideways conversation with him about this in the abstract while he was too doped up to probably even remember having a conversation with her tomorrow. She tried to distract him, "Which one am I?"

"Counter." He responded immediately without thought.

She couldn't help but smile at the earnest word and the way he looked over his shoulder at her with an expression that clearly communicated he thought it absurd that she wouldn't know that already. "Why?"

When he turned back to look at her fully she gave herself a little pat on the back, successful in her endeavor to distract him.

With a sigh, as if he were exasperated having to explain something that he saw as common knowledge, he slapped his hand soundly against the marble. "Solid, strong, sturdy and resilient, but also beautiful, practical and efficient."

"I'm almost worried you'll break out with Katy Perry's Hot and Cold if I ask about why you're a sink." She smirked, trying not to be impacted by the sincerity of his words and take this whole adventure as just another day where he would lead them into half a dozen asinine conversations, just like this one.

The drugs didn't seem to inhibit his eyes from twinkling for a moment as he smirked at her. "I know that you don't know that song from playing Just Dance on the Wii, because you turn me down every time I invite you over. So, Detective, where have you been hiding your penchant for pop music?"

Kate knew she should try to change the subject or even call Alexis and try to escape, but she was almost relieved to have things feel so normal and light that she played along, "I wouldn't call one CD my having a proclivity for any particular type of music. I'm a fan of most genres, haven't we had this conversation?"

"We definitely haven't had this conversation." He responded absently before his forehead wrinkled with confusion, "What were we talking about?"

Kate laughed, it felt good even if she didn't know what any of it meant, it was nice to take a break from reality with him, "We were talking about dinner."

He nodded a little too excitedly if his wince was anything to go by, "Oh yeah." He said, controlling his movements, but the excitement in his voice was childlike, "Let's order something greasy and/or fattening, Alexis has been feeding me her organic rabbit food all day long and I could really go for something that isn't a vegetable."

"Pizza?" she asked, knowing before she said it that it would earn a smile from him.

Beckett wandered over to the large bank of windows as she made the call, not trusting Castle to communicate effectively. She didn't even mind being kept on hold for so long as she enjoyed the view. She hung up and started to turn, calling out towards the kitchen where she had left him, "They said forty-five minutes to an hour."

She was stopped from turning by his hands on her shoulders. A bit of panic filled her in that moment as she replayed the events of the weekend. His thumbs were gently working the muscles in her shoulders and she didn't know why she was letting herself enjoy something she knew would be fleeting and cause more pain when it was gone again.

His tone was calm and he sounded surprisingly lucid as he asked, "What are you doing here?"

She shrugged slightly, the movement enough to have him adjusting his right hand, shifting it to run casually against the side of her neck. "I thought you were quitting. I figured you couldn't hang up if I was standing here."

"You should know by now you can't get rid of me that easily."

She wanted to ask him what that meant, what any of this meant, but something kept her silent. The thought that she didn't want to know the answer, that hearing him say it was great, but it was just sex was something she didn't think she could take. Instead, she could stay in the dark, pretend that it meant something, as long as neither of them asked the hard questions.

"Where's Josh?" he asked, she heard the apprehension in his voice as his fingers stilled against her shoulders.

"Pakistan." She responded simply, surprised by his sharp inhalation.

He shifted to rest his chin against a shoulder as his hand trailed slowly down her arm. His sigh was long and heavy; his breath warmed the skin on her neck even as she felt goose bumps break out across her body. "I'm so sorry."

The sincerity in his voice started the unraveling of her tightly held control. "It's not your fault." She explained, "Nothing you need to be sorry about."

His chin lifted and she was actually concerned he might pull away, but instead she felt him shaking his head. "It's a damn war zone, Kate. He shouldn't have gone."

His anger surprised her. "It's his job."

"That's crap and you know it." He cut her off, his hands tightening on her shoulders, "How long is he going to run off saving the world? He says he wants to make a life with you, but instead he flies off to a warzone to get himself killed."

"It doesn't matter." She hears the words slip out of her mouth and realizes that it's probably well past time to come clean with him about Josh, about the ring.

"Don't feed me that crap." He surprised her with the tightness in his voice as if he were fighting anger. "Doesn't he know what it would do to you if he didn't come home? Doesn't he know that with everything you've seen you are probably playing out scenarios on everything that could go wrong every night he isn't with you?"

She wondered if Castle realized that was how she had felt when he disappeared the other day. She stomped the thought down, trying to remind herself that she was mad at him, but a traitorous thought crossed her mind and her lips before she could rein it in. Perhaps it was the view or the feel of his fingers so firm yet gentle, or the way his breath skittered across her cheek, but something had her inhibitions flying right back out the window. "Help me forget." She whispered.

He spun her around and she was pinned between his warm body and the cool glass with his lips on hers before she even fully realized what she had said.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the delay, instead of writing I spent almost the entire weekend in bed and not doing anything fun… At least it's a longer chapter, even if it is a product of my own drug addled mind. Something happened with a sink and Katy Perry and a window pane; I will blame all that on the cough syrup, because something else was supposed to happen here that will have to wait for a chapter or two.

Review that made my day: Beetlebug, so very cool to be compared to Marlowe. It means that I'm at least a little on the right track, though I think I'll get them straightened out before he does.

GhostWriterLost, I know you're worrying about double rainbows right now, but trust me and don't.

Thanks to everyone for reading.