Chapter Twenty-Two
Life at the precinct that particular day hadn't been fast paced or adventurous, but it had taken everything Castle had to give and then some just to get this far through the day.
It had taken all of his resolve to have lighthearted conversation with the guys. It had taken all of his strength to hold the smile on his face for what felt like an eternity, all of his willpower to keep from reaching out to her. It took all of his well-practiced charm and more than a little of his remaining luck not to get busted in the few moments he had let himself slip. Mostly, it had taken every bit of his patience to keep himself from cracking completely. If they were going to do this her way, he was going to show her that he could still be counted on for whatever he had to contribute, and perhaps with a little time they could get back to where they were, or better, start off on a new path together.
When he had asked about their investigation of what had to be the craziest suicide he had ever seen, the look in her eyes was fierce. For a quick second he lost the grin as he wondered if she might actually strangle him. It wasn't until he blinked that he realized she was not directing that anger at him, in the end that made the day drag and feel even longer than it had actually been.
Beckett blaming herself or thinking she screwed up was a rare occurrence. It wasn't surprising, since she didn't screw up nearly as often as he did so she wasn't used to it. Castle couldn't help but think if they hadn't crossed that line he might know the right thing to say. Instead, his tongue felt swollen in his mouth and everything he thought to say seemed to reverberate in his own mind, echoing repeatedly until it sounded all wrong.
She had excused herself to go discuss the case with Lanie, clearly implying that she didn't want any company. He had been left to his own thoughts and soon found himself immersed in memories of the conversation he'd had with his mom the night he had been an ass to Beckett.
Martha Rogers, never one to pass up an opportunity to imbibe her life lessons on others, had seen right through the entire situation, much to his dismay. He had stirred awake long enough to hug Alexis and tell her 'Good night.' Once his daughter had disappeared upstairs, he felt his feet being shifted before his mother was sitting in the corner of the couch with his feet resting in her lap.
He had just started to drift back to sleep when he felt a pinch to the sensitive skin on the inside of his ankle. He started abruptly and tried to fix a glare on the older woman. She had been giving him a look that stopped his glare in its tracks. He had done a lot of things in his life that a mother could be disappointed in, but he hadn't seen that particular expression from his mom since he was a bored twelve year old boy.
That instance had involved acting out a scene from Star Wars that resulted in the accidental destruction of several key set pieces for the play his mom had been starring in, including a domino effect of the scene boards collapsing against each other and snapping the two-by-fours that had been supporting each piece. That instance had been the single defining moment that relegated him to permanent status in the auditorium and banishment from unsupervised access backstage.
Since then, there had been a lot of other looks, but never this blatant disappointment. "What are you doing, Richard?"
He didn't want to deal with this while his mind was still spinning with his anger that washed away into sorrow and Kate was there to witness both of those forms of breaking down. "I was trying to sleep off this headache." He replied, hoping she'd get the hint, but knowing better anyway.
"She deserves more respect than that." His mom said and he wondered if Alexis had possibly filled her in on the developments between him and Beckett. She'd be glad to know that it wouldn't be an issue again, and that he was likely to not be putting himself in harm's way anymore. After what he'd said to her, he was certain Beckett wouldn't want to talk to him again, much less work with him, and he couldn't blame her.
"You're not saying anything I don't already know." He'd responded and felt the need to add, "I do respect her."
Martha's laugh was, so obviously, fake that he noted the sarcasm before she said anything, "Right. Just like you respect her relationship with her boyfriend." The way she enunciated the last word was as if she were explaining something to a small child.
"Fiancé." He responded, hating the sound of the word off his tongue as it was used to describe something that was so wrong. He didn't conceal his bitter annoyance with the situation and expressed very clearly his thoughts on the subject with the utterance of the single word.
He watched her eyes soften and her expression finally shift away from the disappointment she had been leveling at him, "She told you she accepted?"
Castle looked at her quizzically for a moment. "Not exactly."
His mom graced him with an indulgent smile that was barely more than a tightening of her lips, "Richard, I love you, but sometimes I wonder what's going on in that head of yours." She shook her head at him but he could see the compassion in her features that made her final statement that much harder to hear. "You're a fool."
It was all she said, and yet somehow it was enough as they lapsed into a long silence. It was as if she were giving him time to replay all the ways in which he had been exactly that. He didn't even like to think about the man he had made himself become because of his pursuit of her, the ache she inspired in him and the blind panic combined with the intensity of his emotions surrounding her relationship with a guy that was so wrong for her.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he had been just as distant as Josh was, but he didn't have to leave the country for that distance. He was there for her so often, but sometimes, when she really needed him, he wasn't there. He may have been there physically, but emotionally he was as closed off as she was.
He felt a small smile tugging his lips as he realized that he had a three week reprieve from Josh's poor timing. A reprieve from having to share time with her. A reprieve from having to imagine her with Josh whenever he woke up or went to bed alone.
With that small smile growing just a little, he had hatched his devious plan to put himself in the background and do what he should have been from the beginning, just being there however she needed. That meant he had to walk back into work with confidence and pretend for now that nothing had changed even if he felt that everything was different. It was what she needed from him right now. The rest he would play by ear.
He was literally snapped from his reverie by Esposito snapping his fingers right in front of Castle's eyes. "Hey, bro, you get a concussion or something? We've been talking to you."
Castle noted that he and Ryan had stood and Ryan was headed towards the break room. He laughed, "Actually, yeah I do have a concussion, but I think taking naps for the last several days has made me a little tired and cranky around this time."
"That explains it, then." Ryan called, not slowing his pace as Esposito and Castle followed a short distance behind him.
When they entered the break room, Ryan was already preparing the cups and stating the coffee. He watched as suddenly three officers quickly left the room. He found it odd until he heard the door close and turned to see Esposito regarding him with a look that Castle had only seen the man pull out in the interrogation room.
He felt a trickle of sweat build up behind his ear as Ryan turned away from the espresso machine and joined Esposito as they slowly stalked towards him. The look in their eyes let him know clearly that he was the prey and they were on a hunt. He knew them too well to be the one to start spouting explanations. In all likelihood they were fishing and waiting for him to give up something that they though he knew and they were only pretending to already know.
"Explain." Esposito said simply, enunciating the word with enough force to let Castle know that he wasn't in the mood for games.
He almost caved, but held strong. He knew Kate wouldn't have told them. She might have said something to Lanie, but even that was high on the improbable scale. "Explain, what?" he asked, wondering when his voice began to waver oh so slightly. When his back hit the wall beside a bank of windows, Castle realized he had been slowly backing away as the two detectives continued their steady pace towards him.
Ryan took over in an ominous tone that Castle had never heard from him, "We want to know what you did to Beckett."
He felt the heat in his ears, knew that he was on the edge of giving everything away as the blush threatened to sweep his features. The sudden thought that Beckett scared him far more then these two had him shooting them a curious look, "What's wrong with Kate?"
"Oh, it's 'Kate' now?" Ryan teased in a slightly lighter pitch, though still digging for information.
He had just shown Castle all their cards and he didn't even know it. Castle knew exactly how to flip the focus, "Cut the crap, Ryan." he said, inflecting a bit of anger into his voice. He took a step towards the two of them and watched with satisfaction as Ryan, at least, took a small step back before apparently realizing what he'd done and standing tall again. "What's going on with Beckett? Is something wrong?" Castle continued, trying for concern, and if the two detectives' wide eyes were anything to go by, he had succeeded.
"Whoa." Esposito replied, holding up a hand, "Just chill. We were hoping you'd be able to tell us."
He was proud to watch the disappointment in their features as he tried to give them a confused look. Apparently, he was testing any potentially inherited acting genes today and was doing better than he would have expected. "You guys have been here." He watched as they started to step away as if they were putting an end to the conversation, because he didn't have the information they needed. He wasn't convinced that they believed he actually didn't have a hand in what was going on with their boss. He followed them as Ryan went back to making coffee and Esposito started talking to him about his Madden Super Bowl victory the night before.
"This conversation isn't over." Castle told them, greeted with twin expressions and surprised eyebrow lifts. "No way," Castle continued, "You started this; now, you're going to tell me."
"Look, bro, it's probably nothing." Esposito remarked, but stopped himself before he took a sip of the coffee Ryan had handed him. "She's just been a little off, you know, kind of snappy and distracted all week."
"All week?" Castle asked, not sure if that would have been his fault and, if it were, he was concerned about whether that was a positive sign or another black mark against him.
Ryan nodded, "Yeah, at first we thought it was something to do with your disappearing act last week."
Castle laughed that off, patting himself on the back again for his ability to inflect casualness into his demeanor when all he was really feeling was a deep ache in his gut. Hoping to change the subject he stepped up to the coffee machine Ryan had just moved away from and said casually, "It's probably because Josh ran off to Pakistan."
There was a wet sputtering sound behind him and he turned to see Ryan coughing as he got a couple of firm whacks on the back from Esposito, "Breathe, Bro."
After a moment, Ryan cleared his throat, "Wait, back up. Pakistan?"
Castle was surprised to watch Ryan almost choke himself to death on coffee, but the look in Esposito's eyes was shocking. "Yeah, another Doctors Without Borders thing, I guess. He left on Sunday." As he replied, Castle watched the subtle burn in the Hispanic detective's expression.
Interpreting the anger under the detective's surface still hadn't prepared him for the man's outburst, "That selfish son of a bitch." He seethed as his thumping on Ryan's back increased until the other detective had to step away with a grimace.
Castle couldn't help the humorless chuckle that escaped his mouth. At least he wasn't the only one who had been pissed about the doctor's actions. Watching those angry brown eyes turn to him, Castle realized he was being misinterpreted, "Sorry, just thought you might put your hand all the way through Ryan's back there for a second." He joked lamely, though what he wanted most was to commiserate with a like-minded individual on how inconsiderate the doctor in question was. Fighting the urge he continued. "Beckett's a big girl, Esposito; she can take care of herself."
The apology for laughing had seemed to calm the other man, but then he had to open his mouth again and suddenly Esposito was looking at him like he had two heads, "You don't get it, do you?" he didn't wait for a response before asking another question, "Have you ever been in a war zone, Castle?"
Castle could only shake his head as Esposito continued, "You ever have to decide in a split second which people in a crowd were the enemy and which were just in the wrong place at the wrong time? You ever have to watch a women blow herself and her children up in the middle of a grocery store or hold your buddy's guts in his body because a freaking ten year old kid walked up to you while you were eating lunch and pulled the pin on a grenade?" Esposito was shaking slightly as he towered over Castle and it seemed the only thing keeping him from physically striking out was Ryan's hand on his shoulder. "You don't understand the kind of choice he made in going over there."
"I do." Castle finally managed to get a word in edgewise, and the quiet statement had Esposito stopping to glare at him in disbelief as if he had some nerve thinking he understood. Castle swallowed around a sudden lump in his throat, "If he gets himself killed and breaks her heart, Hell won't be far enough away to keep him from the vengeance I would bring down on him."
Silence blanketed them in the wake of his statement and after a long moment, Esposito clapped him on the shoulder in camaraderie and possibly an apology for snapping at him, but Castle wasn't about to ask which. "What about when he comes home healthy and in one piece?" the detective finally broke through the quiet.
Castle shrugged, "What am I supposed to do about it?"
With a roll of his eyes that would make Beckett proud, Esposito regarded Castle with disbelief, "You're supposed to fight for what's yours, you idiot."
Castle scoffed, "She's not mine."
Ryan and Esposito shared a knowing smile before turning away from him. "They're a pair, alright." Ryan said sarcastically.
"Perceptive to nearly superhuman levels in matters of murder, but give them a matter of the heart and they can't see what's right there." Esposito responded.
Castle wasn't sure if he even wanted to follow them, considering he didn't seem included in their conversation anymore as Ryan laughed and replied, "Is this one of those 'love is blind' things?"
"Maybe if you tack on 'and incredibly stupid' to the end of that." Esposito's voice dripped ridicule and was more than a little mocking.
He couldn't hear Ryan's response as they exited the break room and continued back to their desks, but something about the way they had both looked at him before they left made him feel like he might have a couple of allies in this. Though, if they knew what had actually happened in his loft the other night, he would probably need more than a few body guards to keep him above ground.
x.x.x
A/N: I could apologize for the delay and tell you all about my daughter being out on spring break and my husband being sick as a dog, replacing my broke down car and old worn out stove, but instead I'll just say I'm glad to see you all back here for this chapter and I'll try not to have so much time between this and the next one.
Review that made my day: daphnebeauty, who took the time (I'm guessing on a Swype text entry system since mine sometimes gives me 'age' instead of 'she') on a tiny keyboard to type out some lovely observations, vent frustrations, and provide encouragements. You never have to wonder if I appreciate your reviews. I appreciate every one of the reviews that come in because they let me know if I'm getting my point across.
Thanks to everyone for reading.