Chapter Twenty-Six

Castle felt like he might be suffering some new ailment he would coin "emotional whiplash". One minute he was standing beside Beckett, her hand in his, comforting words on her lips and he couldn't seem to stop himself from doing the one thing he had been telling himself was a bad idea. As he leaned in and watched her eyes flutter closed, he had the momentary thought that she might want him to kiss her as much as he wanted to do it.

At the last instant, he grabbed hold of his control and shifted to brush his lips gently over her cheek. It wasn't the contact he had initially intended, but even that sent a rush of warmth through him.

Watching as her eyes stayed closed a moment after he pulled away; he felt that now familiar tug in his chest. When soft green eyes finally met his and didn't look away, he knew. He didn't know how he was so certain when everything had been such a mess, but he knew there was something shifting in them and for the first time in almost two weeks; he actually believed the shift was going to be positive.

He saw the moment of hesitation in her eyes, followed by what he could only interpret as steely resolve, before Beckett's lips parted to speak.

The sound of her phone ringing had been like a blow to the gut, because it was yet another reminder of how supremely messed up their timing was. He had never been so tempted to grab her phone and throw it against the side of a building before. He'd actually done it to his own phone, at times, but never considered it for hers. The potential ramifications of the act had always kept even the thought of it at bay. In this moment, he almost couldn't control the compulsion.

When he realized she wanted him to take something down for her, he was sufficiently distracted from the thought as he jotted the address in his little notepad before he followed her back into the cab.

The ride toward the precinct was quick and quiet, but as they loaded into her car to head out to the scene he found himself curious, "Why would they call you? Is this going to be a weird one, because I'm pretty sure you just put in a damn near twelve hour day?"

Beckett sighed and he could see that the exhaustion of their long day, even with the good feelings that come along with catching the bad guy, was wearing on her. "It didn't take long for this to go up the line. The Captain called personally to let me know that we were requested to head this up. It came from much higher than him."

Castle felt that familiar excitement when they got a case that wasn't run of the mill. The 'freaky ones' that Beckett liked, tended to be the most influential cases in his building of villains. Though, the more time he spent with her, the more he realized that as exciting as it is to venture into the motives behind the crazy things people did to each other, when it was all boiled down, even the freaky ones generally fell under the same common motives. Greed, sex, revenge. There wasn't much that they hadn't experienced, and he was curious if this would be any different than the rest.

"Must be someone important to pull you in after a twelve hour day." Castle mused. Beckett just made a non-committal noise as she drove them towards the scene and his mind wandered. "I bet it's a diplomat or some kind of foreign national. Ooh, you know who it is?" he saw the look she shot him from the corner of her eye as she navigated traffic, but before she was fully on the road he noticed the slight quirk of her lips and pushed on with his excitement, because at least it would prove a light distraction. "There was a concert last night, you know who's in town right now?" he didn't wait for an answer, "Blake Shelton, and if we're going to the scene of his murder, I swear there's two things I already know. My mom is going to be seriously ticked off, she loves that guy."

Silence followed his statement, but he waited patiently, knowing she'd eventually give in. "What's the second thing?" she asked, as he knew she would.

"I know who the killer is." He responded, watching as she didn't take her eyes off the road except to move skyward in a very slight roll as she waited him out. "His liver."

She harrumphed, but he saw the smile play across her lips before she could swipe it away. He congratulated himself as she pulled up near the taped off alleyway. If they were going to work again without much of a break after such a long day, then he was glad she was at least in a mood that still allowed her to smile a bit, even if it was obviously in spite of her better judgment.

They walked side by side, and he held the crime scene tape while she ducked under and preceded him towards the activity about midway down the alley.

There were two uniformed officers standing between the taped off alley entrance and the spot where a broad shouldered man in a suit stood beside a grimy, battered dumpster that looked as if it had been green at one point in its existence. The uniformed officers seemed to be conversing quietly, the older one doing most of the talking, low and soothing to the younger officer who looked a couple of shades off of a natural color.

Castle imagined this was probably the young man's first dead body and the older officer was talking him down. It was a scene he had witnessed more times than he could probably count in his years with Beckett. The tangible and obvious loss of innocence, viewed from the front row like this, never seemed to get any easier to witness. The officers kept looking younger and younger every time he watched them stripped of their last vestiges of childhood and blinders to the cruelty that exists in the world.

As he watched Alexis grow, he found himself hoping he'd never see the day when her innocence was crushed as this young officer's had been tonight. It wouldn't be the last time the man saw a dead body, or even the last time that something scarred him emotionally, but the first experience was something unique to witness. It was a nick in the young man's soul that forged a crack where that rosy perspective that one's youth held slowly began to seep out. Dark bitterness or emotional detachment would start to leech in through that crack to fill the holes that were left in the wake of that loss of innocence.

It was all depressing to think about and he tore his gaze away from the pale cop and focused again on the crime scene they were headed towards. They were still far enough away that they couldn't see anything beyond the dumpster, but he knew that's where their victim would by the way the man in his black suit stood looking down.

Almost close enough to finally see what all the fuss was about; Castle was surprised to see Lanie stand from what was obviously a crouched position, her head and shoulders becoming visible over the top edge of the dumpster. He didn't expect to see her there as well, and he supposed that neither had she from the way she was decked out in a knee length red dress that portrayed the likelihood that she had been dragged straight out of a dance club to come to the scene.

He had noticed her dress and was about to make a joke about leaving Esposito high and dry to come play with a dead guy when his gaze flicked down to the victim. His brain seemed to stop functioning in that instant and he couldn't process what he was looking at. He blinked a couple of times, more to clear his head than his actual vision. The first thing that registered was a thought that the body was too small. It wasn't the right size to be one of their victims, something was wrong with it.

It was actually a full three seconds before his mind finally acknowledged that he was looking at a child. As soon as the thought solidified in his head he tried to detach from the scene. He tried to take it in without emotion, but he felt the churning in his stomach as his eyes locked on the pale, lifeless body sprawled across the ground. The child was stripped bare and there was so much blood. Too much blood. Castle felt his salivary glands kick into high gear letting him know that his body was preparing for him to throw up, but he swallowed the urge and tried to look away.

He couldn't pull his eyes off the small, mutilated figure, limbs at odd angles as if dumped in haste, face swollen from a severe beating, body covered in various shades of purple and blue from extensive bruising, and the slicing to the child's body. It only took a moment for his mind to take in the child's injuries and specifically the slices and gouging. As soon as his mind clicked on the probable reason behind those particular wounds, he felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. He started walking again, ignoring everything as he sought fresh air somewhere else.

At the opening to the alley, he finally lost his momentum and slumped against the rough brick exterior trying to get control of himself. He knew that she was watching him, but even the knowledge of how ridiculous he would probably look to Beckett and how much he was likely to be teased about it later, he couldn't stop himself.

As soon as Rick spotted that garbage can, not even twenty feet away, he stopped fighting it. He covered the distance with long strides and bent at the waist, finally losing control. His stomach's rebellion was persistent and his mind continued to assault him with images of what he had seen as he fought to keep himself upright through the suddenly weak feeling sweeping his body. The violent upheaval of his dinner finally, mercifully, ended, but he couldn't bring himself to stand up just yet.

Castle didn't know how long he stood there, but eventually the weakness started to fade, though his hands were still suspiciously shaky as they held him upright. His breathing had calmed and he was beginning to think he should go find somewhere to rinse his mouth when he felt a gentle rubbing motion against his tense forearm. He watched as long, slender fingers held a bottle of water in front of his eyes, rocking it back and forth as if trying to get his attention and entice him to take it.

His eyes met Beckett's as he reached for the bottle and felt her hand fall away from his arm. He instantly missed the comforting gesture, but gave her a grateful, though probably miserable looking smile and opened the water bottle. He swished his mouth and spit into the trash before taking a long drink and hoping he could keep the liquid in his stomach.

"Sorry." He said sheepishly, his throat raw from its violent activity. He could still feel the burning in the back of his mouth and taste bile on his tongue. He swished his mouth again and felt only slightly better afterwards.

Beckett had stood beside him, quietly waiting for him to be ready. It wasn't until he looked at her that he realized she was staring at him with that little crinkle between her eyebrows that said she was likely working through something, but whatever it was worried her. That expression was primarily only brought out while she was trying to find the missing piece that would tie everything back together and lead them to their killer.

"You should go home." She finally said, her tone was surprisingly gentle, not commanding or reprimanding.

Castle shook his head, "I'm ok, Kate. I can handle it."

Kate gave him a tiny smile that was more a tightening of her lips then anything resembling the genuine grins she sometimes wore, nothing like the grins that warmed him from the inside. There was sadness to that little smile and he hated it. "I know you want to go hug Alexis." She finally responded and he made use of that information combined with the subtle warmth and compassion in her features to figure out that she wasn't kicking him off the case, just sending him for something she was certain he would need.

With a single nod he started to turn away. As he reached the curb, he looked back over his shoulder and was surprised to see she was watching him as he walked away. "Call me if you need me." He told her, waiting for her tiny nod before he turned back. Holding out his hand to hail a cab, he seemed to switch to auto-pilot as he climbed in and gave his address.

His mind spinning with visions of the battered, mutilated child had haunted him on the way home. He was standing in the doorway of his daughter's room before he even realized he was back in the loft.

Watching Alexis sleep, looking peaceful and innocent, was usually enough to wipe even the darkest thoughts from his mind. Tonight, the tightness in his throat and rolling in his gut only got worse on seeing the sleeping form of his daughter. A sudden uneasiness settled over him and he found his heart racing as he moved into her room.

Slowly, he reached out his hand towards her. He registered the slight shaking in his digits as the uncomfortable feeling mounted until he got close enough to feel her warm breath against his fingers. With a slight sigh of relief he pulled his hand back and contemplated climbing in beside her so he could pull comfort from her existence. She had school the next day and aside from disturbing her sleep, he was worried she would wake up and think something was wrong. Instead, he opted to settle himself in a chair near her bed where he could watch her as she slept.

He was surprised when his mind drifted to Beckett as he wondered how the case was shaping up. It was his first thought of her in a couple of weeks that wasn't conflicted with emotional entanglement. Of course, even thinking it started to bring to mind those thoughts that hadn't registered since the crime scene. Thoughts of the crime scene were effective in wiping his mind of all conflict as he tried not to imagine what would make someone do those things to a small, innocent life.

He forced his mind and focus to the singular effort of watching the gentle rise and fall of Alexis' blanket as she breathed. He didn't know how long he stayed there, staring before the steady, even breathing lulled him to sleep.

Visions of dark alleys, dank basements and young voices screaming in tortured agony haunted his sleep. He woke with a barely restrained scream as visions of the young body in the alley were replaced with pale skin and fiery red hair, familiar blue eyes staring blankly into the night.

Castle's heart was pounding as he struggled to regain his breathing. He snapped his head back forward to look at his daughter, relieved to see she was lying just as she had been when he'd fallen asleep. He let his eyes drift to the clock, shocked to see that so little time had passed. He wanted it to be morning so he could go back and help with the case.

Knowing Beckett, she probably organized their current findings and set up the murder board before she called it a night. With no thoughts aside from finding whoever did this and putting them away, because he knew he wasn't going to be sleeping well until that happened, Castle made his way to his room.

Forgoing the usual suit, considering the time of night and his intention to return at some point in the morning, Castle slipped into a pair of dark jeans and a t-shirt, quietly making his way out of his apartment.

Walking into the precinct, Castle was momentarily stopped in his tracks as he looked across the darkened bullpen. Beckett's desk light was on, illuminating the lone figure perched on the edge of her desk. He knew from the set of her shoulders that she wasn't processing the information in front of her anymore, simply staring through the whiteboard and waiting for something to fall into place.

He wanted to turn around and leave, he wanted to convince her to go home and get some rest, and he wanted to move up beside her to do something to help find the resolution to this case. Deciding the third option was the only one that would eventually lead to him getting a good night's sleep, he started towards her desk.

He was still a few feet away when he noticed the direction of her gaze, locked on the school photo of a smiling boy young boy. His eyes were happy, his grin lopsided, and his blond hair was slightly out of place. The hair was probably something that his parents thought was a shame when they received the school pictures, but it spoke to Castle of a morning of carefree joy and spirited fun with friends over recess.

There was a sheen in her eyes that shocked him, even though it shouldn't have. It wasn't that he didn't know exactly how a case like this would likely affect her; it was more that he had been so caught up in his own mind that he hadn't given it much of a thought. She didn't acknowledge his presence, even as he leaned against the desk beside her.

Castle felt thoughts racing through his mind, but nothing seemed the right thing to say. Nothing seemed to be that thing that would take the frustration from Kate's tense shoulders or pain from her delicate features. In the end he settled on sharing the silence with her, though he couldn't bring himself to share her visual focus just yet.

Avoiding the pictures of the boy, he let his eyes quickly take in the words written across the board. It was clear that they didn't have much to go on just yet, but the child had been identified and that was at least a little bit of good news considering the state of the body. The victim was ten year old Jacob Henley, the son of a national news anchor stationed in New York. The boy had gone missing a week before and when the body turned up in that condition, things obviously came down the line quickly to get Beckett on board as they attempted to identify the child as the missing boy or to verify it wasn't him.

Castle was tempted to ask why the FBI wasn't taking the lead on this case, but he felt a sense of rightness about the silence they were sharing so comfortably. Instead of actually asking her that or any of the other dozen question he had, he reached towards the desk, carefully covering her smaller hand with his own.

She didn't pull away or admonish him as he was certain she would. She stared at the board for several minutes as if she was still oblivious to him. It felt like a long time later that a small almost grateful smile nudged one corner of her mouth before her hand flipped and her fingers laced with his.

He didn't know what it meant, but as his eyes finally fell back on the young boy's school picture, he found that he didn't care. He didn't need to read more into it then the comfort that he had been intending to give her being reciprocated.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry this took so long to update. You don't have to read this author's note, I'm just venting; the chapter is over, go find a fun and fluffy fic to read.

I have had a hard time writing this because it's so negative. Unfortunately, for the story to be true to the original introspective experiment I started, I can't deviate here and just have them run away together because it's what I'd feel happy writing. I don't know if you guys realize how incredibly difficult it is to write such a depressing story. You read for ten minutes, but I have to live each chapter for hours as I plan, write, read, re-write. It's mentally draining.

So this chapter was delayed while I took a fication to enjoy light hearted family time leading up to and over the holiday weekend. It was nice, but then there was a trip to the hospital and I'm now officially on pain medication for at least the next few days. Feeling light and giggly, hopefully this all came out all right, mostly written before the doctors shot me full of painkillers, except the end and the editing.

Review that made my day: Fullskirt3, because you make me feel less crazy for sitting in my car after work to read fanfic when I should be glad to be off and driving home. Happy to hear I'm not the only one who gets that sucked in to reading fanfic.

Thanks to everyone for reading.