Chapter Twenty-Seven
Kate watched Rick, slumped and shaking over the garbage receptacle for a moment as she listened to Lanie give her the run down. She pulled her gaze off Castle once Lanie stopped speaking and turned her attention to the man in the black suit that had been standing there when she walked up.
"Special Agent Sawyer McCain." He introduced himself. As she made eye contact with him he offered a tentative smile of greeting, "My friends call me Mac."
It only took a moment for her to take in his appearance. Standard black suit, white shirt, black tie that screamed FBI, but slightly higher quality suits than most of the agents she had met. That signified he was likely a little higher in rank or had side money. His sandy brown hair was cropped close in a cut that spoke of his probable military back ground. He was classically handsome and she could already see that working with him would probably be an issue with Castle for that fact, except he thought she was with Josh still, so that probably wouldn't come up. His eyes could have been anything from blue to brown from as little light as filtered into the alleyway, but the telltale smudges of darkness beneath them spoke of a man who was not getting much sleep.
If this body they were standing over was any indication of the type of work the agent did, then she could see why he wasn't able to sleep at night. Unlike Castle, she had been able to check her initial gut reaction to this, but it was proving difficult the longer she stood over the victim.
"Detective Beckett." She offered, glancing to the body a moment before she turned her focus back on the FBI agent standing there, "Agent McCain, why does the FBI need the NYPD on this case? It's a kidnapping and the murder of that kidnapped child. This has your jurisdiction written all over it."
She watched as McCain's spine went a little straighter, but saw the confidence was not reflected in his eyes. "Your assistance was requested by the Mayor." He left it at that, but she didn't miss the hint of irritation in the Agent's voice.
She knew what he was thinking, she must have some kind of pull with the man that made her a favorite of the Mayor, or her semi-celebrity status got her special treatment. She had been on the receiving end of that kind of thinking for a few years now and found that in this case she didn't mind. If the agent thought she had enough pull to entice this kind of leverage on a federal case, then not only was she not going to correct him, but she responded, "Well, Bob knows that we close cases."
She dropped the mayor's first name in casually and saw the infinitesimal widening of the Agent's eyes. Not sure and not really caring about whether it was surprise in the casualness of her tone or a burgeoning resentment for her easy familiarity, she continued. "I'm going to need copies of all your files. I'm sure you have everything set up in your field office, but I'm going to run this from the12th precinct." She watched his eyes narrow on her slightly, but didn't care. "You're welcome to join me there or we can run tandem investigations and communicate via telephone or email to share new discoveries."
The agent nodded, "I'll be in your office tomorrow. Is eight o'clock good for you?"
Beckett was already shaking her head as she stepped past the man and headed towards Castle. She responded over her shoulder, "I don't care what time you show up tomorrow, but I want those files in my office within the hour and I expect a full debriefing at the time of delivery."
She had to fight a smile at the man's surprised expression, but then her mind filtered back through what little she knew and she couldn't help that even thoughts of smiling fled from her mind. This little boy had been missing for a week, but only dead for a little over twelve hours. The amount of torture he appeared to have undergone in that time frame was enough to make her feel like joining Castle at that garbage can.
Instead, as she stepped out of the alley she spotted a little convenience store and ducked inside to grab a bottle of water for the writer, certain he'd need it.
Hours later, as she sat against the edge of her desk, staring at the murder board, she had constructed while Agent McCain had been debriefing her, she let her mind wander. She couldn't help regretting the act of sending Castle home, despite knowing it was what he needed. She knew this was going to be tough on him, but she also knew how difficult it would be for her and she craved his presence to make it all just a little easier.
She wasn't a fool. She knew he wouldn't be pulling out his standard bag of tricks on this, trying to make her laugh or making up crazy theories so she'd smile, but she didn't care. She didn't need to laugh; she needed to not feel like she was the only person in the world. Sitting in the bullpen when it was dark and eerily quiet was not a place she really wanted to be at the moment. Her thoughts were given free reign and her mind allowed to wander just a little too much.
She knew that being at home would be worse. Disturbing thoughts and images that played through her head of a time not too many years before when she had been in the position that Agent McCain found himself in. Where she had been the cop that was tasked with finding a lost boy, only to fail in that mission. To find the body of a boy that, if she had been just a little smarter, just a little more intuitive, just a little better a cop, would still be alive. Those thoughts would lead to a restless sleep and vivid dreams that she preferred to delay as long as possible.
She knew that, despite her faith in the man, having Castle with her would not be a cure all to prevent those thoughts and memories. She also knew that in more ways than one and at more times than she could probably count, having him by her side had kept those ghosts of past failures at bay. She couldn't help but wonder about their current mess of a situation and whether it could lead to a day when she'd look up and he wouldn't be by her side anymore. It was stupid to let those thoughts get to her, but in a state where she was already feeling emotionally tested, she couldn't stop herself.
When the elevator let out a soft ding and she heard the tentative footsteps, she knew who was approaching her. A sense of calm came over her as she felt him move to stand next to her and then lean against the desk. He had come back, for that she was grateful, even if she couldn't bring herself to look at him.
She waited for him to speak, waited for something, but it didn't come and silence stretched between them as they both looked at the paltry facts of the case. She was almost tempted to speak, ask if he was ok or if he woke Alexis when he got home, but she couldn't find the words.
After what seemed the longest she had been around the writer without either saying something, she felt him shift and then his hand was covering hers. She almost lost it right there, her mind was still replaying the facts of that previous case and the ones of this case that had gone from disturbing to frightening in a matter of twenty minutes during the meeting with McCain.
She couldn't help the inner turmoil that the small gesture engendered in her. One side telling her to jerk her hand away, the other saying to take the comfort where it was offered because she needed it. Her need for human contact won out and she bit her lip before accepting the gesture with a small smile of appreciation. He seemed to understand what she needed from him and his silent offer of comfort was enough. The part of her brain screaming at her to pull away was pushed aside. Instead, she flipped her hand and laced her fingers with his, noticing, not for the first time how gentle he could be. His thumb began a slow caress against the back of her hand.
It was a long time later, as they both stared intently at the murder board, that he finally broke the silence. "Kate."
It wasn't that he had spoken, but the tone he used as he said her name, the name he used so rarely it was still a novelty to hear it on his lips. She heard the hesitation in his voice and was instantly sure of where he wanted to take this conversation. It was after three in the morning and she was too tired for any of this tonight. "Can we not do this right now?"
She hazarded a glance in his direction when silence engulfed them for longer than it should have. He was giving her a look that clearly betrayed his confusion, head cocked to the side slightly, eyebrow lifted in a silent question. When her eyes locked with his, Castle let out a sigh, "I was just going to suggest you go get some sleep." she could see and hear his sincerity, but sleep was the furthest thing from her mind.
Beckett finally made the effort to half turn away from him and reached out with her free hand to the file that was on her desk. The file she had been trying to put out of her mind and hadn't put up on the board because she didn't have the mental strength to deal with it tonight. Knowing what was in there would haunt her sleep and keep her awake even if she tried to rest, was the reason that his suggestion of sleep was so far from her thought process.
She was annoyed at herself for feeling let down when he released her hand to take the file and flip it open. She knew it wouldn't take long for him to understand. He was a speed reader, but all he needed was to see that first page with the picture to know why she wouldn't be sleeping.
"Oh, God." he breathed out on a heavy sigh as he snapped the file closed a few short seconds later. She thought he might actually fling it across the room, just to get away from it. His eyes sought hers for answers and she knew he was hoping she'd tell him that he was misinterpreting the file, though she saw the tick in his jaw that foretold of his disbelief in the chances of that happening.
Kate shook her head and was met with a pained expression. It was an odd moment to realize that they hadn't said anything in several minutes, but had somehow made it through an entire conversation.
As if reading her hesitance and understanding far more than she would have expected a year or so ago, he took the file to the murder board. She watched as his shaky hands carefully pulled out the picture and using one of the magnets, secured it next to the young boy's school photo.
The girl looking back at her from the photo had a shy, reserved smile. The corners of her mouth were turned up just enough to hint at a dimple in her cheek as her eyes seemed to shine right out of the picture, a subtle green grey color that Beckett knew likely changed with her clothes. Her smile hinted at a reserved personality, but that twinkle in her eyes said she was ready to go at a moment's notice.
"April Paulson." Castle's voice cut through her contemplation and like a tether he pulled her back from thoughts that were verging on destructive. "How come I didn't hear about this?"
Beckett knew how he was feeling, could tell from his eyes that he was as disgusted with one child getting press time over another, especially considering the circumstances. "There was an Amber Alert." She replied, knowing it didn't mean much at this point.
"I got that." He told her, patting the pocket where his phone was resting, "It said they thought she was taken by her father."
Beckett shook her head, "He's been cleared."
"Why wouldn't the news mention she went missing with Jacob Henley?" Castle asked, sounding even more disgusted. "That's something that might have tipped people off. Two kids instead of one would draw up a more apparent red flag. Keeping the two separate wasn't just stupid, it was irresponsible."
Kate nodded, "Right?" she asked, feeling her anger boiling with his, "What's the point of issuing an alert separately for the two kids? It screws with potential witnesses and reports."
That was the most logical interpretation of the issue, but deep down she was furious with the media's sensationalizing of something like this. The fact that one child's parent was famous and the other child was just some public school kid of an average middle class family had made the media report more on Jacob. April was a simple Amber Alert with the information that authorities thought she had been taken by her father. That angle had later proven to be incorrect as the father had a solid alibi for the time the children disappeared.
The fact that the two children had been last seen together at the public library and had disappeared at the same time shortly after leaving should have been the first clue that they were taken together. The odds of them leaving the library together and then disappearing separately were astronomical, but to hear the press tell it, Jacob was the only child that went missing that day.
"What if someone saw something? What if they didn't report it because they thought it would only be one kid and not two?"
Beckett nodded her agreement, still too lost in thought to vocalize her opinion.
Castle turn from her, disgust apparent in the set of his shoulders as he jotted down what little information there was on the disappearance of April Paulson.
After Castle finished, he returned to his perch beside her and she felt his eyes on her. It was several minutes before she gave in to the silence and turned her head to face him, "What?"
"You're going to be exhausted tomorrow. Come on, go home." He prodded gently, his tone nearly undoing her resolve with its hints of tenderness and concern.
"I can't, Castle." She finally responded, tearing her eyes from his gaze to look back at the board before she found herself overwhelmed.
"You're going to be worthless without at least a few hours of sleep." He tried again, and she almost lost it just then. She couldn't figure out how he could go from a class A jerk back to this caring friend she had held onto for so long.
More than a little exhausted and certainly wrung out, she knew he was right. She knew what she needed, but she also knew it would never happen. She was certain to look back later and blame that exhaustion or the situation for letting her guard down, but in that moment she simply opened her mouth and began to speak. "I can't, Castle. I know what happens here and I can't do it right now."
She didn't expect a response and was surprised to hear his quiet question, "What happens?"
Kate knew she should shut up, this was going to a place she didn't want to go, but instead of taking her own advice she continued, "I could go home, but I still wouldn't be able to sleep. I'd toss and turn and really try, but be unsuccessful." She sighed, may as well go all in. "Even if I managed to fall asleep, they would be there." She gestured to the board, "They would need me to help them and I'd be too late. I'd always be too late. It's just putting new faces in an old nightmare and I really don't need that right now." She met his eyes briefly, but had to look away, "I don't need to wake up in a cold sweat, shaking, heart racing, wondering if there's something else I could have done."
She felt him come to stand in front of her and a moment later she was standing with his arms holding her firmly against him, "There's nothing you could have done, you weren't even on the case until it was too late. Tomorrow you'll come back in here and we'll put our heads together and we'll do everything we can to find April. I'm not going to promise we'll get to her in time, though I hope we do. But tonight, let me take you home. We'll get a couple hours of sleep and then be able to jump on this with fresh eyes."
She heard the soft even timber of his voice, gentle and comforting as he laid it all out for her. The feeling of his warmth surrounding her, his arms holding her against his chest, and the tone of his voice lulled her into a sense of security. She felt herself nod against his chest and he pulled away from her.
She didn't understand why he was moving away until he was back, holding her jacket for her and ushering her towards the elevator as if he was afraid she might change her mind if he didn't act fast. He was probably right; given a moment's notice her logical side would talk her out of even attempting sleep when she was so wound up. However, his hand on her lower back pushed her past those thoughts and she seemed to leave them behind as they boarded the elevator.
They didn't resurface as they left the precinct, or come up when they climbed into the cab. The thoughts remained surprisingly absent when he took her hand and she rested her head against his shoulder. They were only a block from her house when the nagging voice of what lay ahead finally resurfaced and she heard Castle's quiet shushing and soothing when she tensed.
Kate realized she must have dozed off, because she didn't remember him wrapping an arm around her, or being quite so relaxed against him. Her tension started to ease with his calming tones and she almost forgot what had stirred her. Almost.
They were pulling up outside her apartment when logic completely left the building and she allowed her fear to guide her as she heard herself whisper softly, "Stay with me?"
"Kate." She heard the question inherent in the use of her name, the tone of his voice portrayed his obvious disinclination to accept her request.
It should have been enough for her to drop the thought, but despite her own misgivings, she didn't want to do what she always did. She didn't want to face this as she would before she had let him get so close. She didn't want to wake up breathless and alone. "Please, Castle." She finally managed to look in his eyes and saw uneasiness reflected back at her as if he was either just as unsure about her question as she was or perhaps he was as unsure about sleeping alone. "Wake me before it gets too bad."
She watched as understanding dawned and a smile that was more of a grimace crossed his face, accenting the natural lines in his skin and making him look older than he had moments before, "On one condition." He responded as he passed money to the cabbie and started to lead her out of the car.
"I'm not having sex with you." She responded and if it weren't for her negative line of thinking tonight she would have laughed when he was the one rolling his eyes at her.
"That's not where I was going, Beckett." He said and she was actually glad to hear he was back to using that name for her. It somehow made this all a little less awkward, something more akin to the work side of their relationship than whatever was going on outside of their friendship.
Silence followed them up to her apartment and it wasn't until they were inside, as Castle followed her towards her bedroom that he finally spoke again, "I dreamt it was Alexis."
His voice was soft from behind her, but she could hear the depth of emotion in the admission and her heart broke for all he had seen that he never should have. All the things he experienced that never should have tainted his life or skewed his dreams or implanted such nasty thoughts in his head. "I'm sorry." It didn't seem enough, but it was all that she could come up with.
Castle didn't respond to that as they moved together as if in a daze, shedding coats and clothes. Castle stripped to his boxers and undershirt, not even seeming to think it necessary to ask. She grabbed a nightshirt and disappeared to the bathroom to change. When she came back out he was already settled in the bed, covers pulled down awaiting her arrival.
That voice that was always so logical had begun to shout its objections to her putting herself back in the line of fire, setting herself up to be hurt again. When he reached a hand out as if to beckon her forward, that voice fell away and she slipped into bed, letting him pull her to him. Exhaustion was there, and while her mind was trying to run wild, her eyelids were already falling heavily.
Her cheek against his chest, hand over his heart as Castle's arms surrounded her, she felt his request in the vibrations of his chest as he spoke, "My one condition," he started and she remembered that she had been distracted from there being a condition of him staying. She tensed slightly, concerned for what he might ask of her in exchange for watching over her as she slept. "You'll wake me before it gets too bad."
She recognized her request spoken back to her and though it wasn't the first time she thought about whether he had nightmares, something about the hour before sunrise and her exhaustion didn't keep the thoughts inside, "Do you have them often?"
She felt him shrug and was sure he'd brush it off, until a heavy sigh split the air and blew across the top of her head, tickling her hair against her cheek, "They'll come tonight."
It didn't provide the insight she had asked for, but in hindsight, she wasn't sure she wanted to know how incredibly screwed up his life was because of knowing her. Instead she adjusted herself against him, absently rubbing her fingers against his shirt, "It's a deal."
His arms tightened around her slightly at her agreement and he brought a hand up to gently smooth over her hair. The slow, consistent motion was relaxing and it wasn't long before sleep claimed her.
x.x.x
A/N: Sorry this took so long to update, but at least it's one of my longest chapters ever. So, I have these kidney stones and the medication they put me on has quite an interesting effect on me. I have spent the last several days very giddy and abnormally giggly. That's your apology for any mistakes or weirdness here, written and edited while heavily medicated. Yippee, so good to be you guys, huh?
Not really the best frame of mind to be writing this in, but as an added bonus I was inspired during that overly excited/happy time and have a great case for my next story. It's going to be a lot lighter than this story, so I'll probably work on getting that one started next time I get bogged down with all this dark and brooding stuff. No guarantees on it actually being 'light', this is me after all, but it won't be Angst-Central. I'll let you all know when I start posting on that, since I'm getting close to done with this one, though I may wait to start it until the end of the season and have it be my summer fic.
Review that made my day: All the new comers, For making me want to make time to write even when I'm feeling all wonky, because I know how it feels to blow through 75,000 words and then realize you have to wait for more. So frustrating.
Thanks to everyone for reading.