Chapter Twenty-Eight
Castle had known this was a bad idea from the moment the words were out of Beckett's mouth.
Lying with her was a form of sweet torture that he hadn't expected when he'd suggested she go home. Something about her reaction to this case had him sweeping his concerns under the rug, but in the silence that followed her curling up next to him and closing her eyes, he found a moment to reflect. His stomach clenched as he listened to her breathing even out and thought about how he was being a place holder. He shouldn't be here and the only reason he was happened to be a certain doctor's current absence.
If Josh weren't out of the country he'd be here for Beckett and Castle probably wouldn't even be in her thoughts. It made him a little sick to think that he wanted this to be real so badly. He wanted to be that guy. The one who she came home to at night, the one she let her guard down with, the one that she felt comfortable enough to be herself around and not worried that if she showed her feelings he'd think any less of her.
She had to know by now how ridiculous that was, but he didn't doubt that if Josh was in town she'd still be hiding this hurt from him. She'd still be keeping him at arm's length because that was where they were comfortable. He was tired of that kind of comfortable and found that he could easily get used to this type of comfortable with her.
This kind of comfortable where she curled her warm body around his so casually. Comfortable with her head on his chest, breaths warming him through his t-shirt or better gently wafting across his bare skin, her hair falling across his shoulder and down the bed. His hand was rubbing soft circles on her back as his mind drifted.
He tried to fight the thoughts of what if and could have been, should have been, but he found that he didn't want to. He painted a vivid picture in his mind of them falling asleep together as a normal part of their daily lives. A picture of waking to her smiling face and finding out if she tended to be grumpy when she woke up. As he continued to paint the picture, he found himself suddenly annoyed when thoughts of Josh snuck into his mind.
He wasn't able to stop the negative downward spiral of his thoughts. Thoughts of the other man and his own lack of a place with Kate seemed to gather along the edges of his vision for a few moments. Slowly they crept further into his vision until once again he found himself replaced with the real thing.
In a moment of self-loathing, he let the thoughts wash over him for several minutes until he felt his anxiety level growing to the point where it affected his breathing pattern. As his mind focused on the contrast that was her slow even breaths, he realized he was being an idiot.
Josh or no Josh, tonight she had asked him to be there for her. Tonight she had asked for his presence to slay her dragons and watch over her as she slept. As much as he was trying to write that off, he had to admit that this was something she wouldn't have asked of him a few weeks ago. Perhaps, there was still a chance if he didn't push. Maybe if he showed her that he could be there for her without being demanding, if he could be what she needed, she'd eventually see what he did.
He renewed the promise he had made to himself to show her what they could be so that when Josh came back she'd have a valid comparison on which to make a decision. He knew their everything was riding on that choice. If she married the doctor, he wouldn't be capable of staying to watch the fallout. Couldn't stand by and watch as his hopes of her being with him were dashed permanently. He wouldn't give up, though. He was committed to this, even if he was the only one. If she decided to marry the doctor, he'd give it to her straight for once. No more dancing around it. He'd be forced to go all in and see if she would call him or fold what they had built together.
With a new sense of commitment, though still without a plan as to how to go about showing her what she meant to him, he finally found himself relaxing. He let himself unwind and actually feel her softness against him. Instead of giving in to his urge to recoil, he seized the moment and rolled slightly to wrap his free arm around her as well, cocooning her in his embrace. He knew it was unlikely, but hoped that some combination of her extreme exhaustion and his presence would keep the nightmares from taking her tonight.
He felt as if his eyes had just closed when a sharp pain in his side had them snapping open again. Beckett was moving in her sleep, and on a quick exhausted evaluation, the blow that landed against his chest hadn't been very forceful. The fact that his ribs were still sore from the skiing accident was probably the only reason it had broken him out of such a deep sleep.
He was momentarily distracted by his thoughts, a symptom of his own exhaustion, in all likelihood. When she tried to roll away from him by bracing her elbow somewhere near his sternum and pushing off, he was brought back to the matter at hand.
He secured the arm she wasn't laying on against his chest with a firm grip and tried to call out to her, "Kate." His tone was soft, not wanting to add to the confusion she would likely face on waking. She tried to pull out of his grip, but her movements were weak in sleep, more an act of instinct than an actual attempt to be released.
Thinking of other instincts she may call forth in her agitated state had him rolling towards her. Once they were face to face he pulled her to him more securely so that she couldn't get much momentum behind a kick or another blow if she woke up startled. He squeezed the hand he had effectively trapped between their chests as he tried to call her name again.
Her eyes moved behind the lids and her brow creased as she frowned. He would have thought her expression of confusion was adorable in any other situation, but the slightly open mouth pulling air more quickly than she should in a sleeping state and the obvious displeasure she was experiencing stomped that thought before it ever fully formed. Instead, he felt an anxiety and a not unusual sense of protectionism. The sharp, "Kate!" he released when he heard her whimper and felt her shy away from him was both a demand and a plea for her to wake up.
He felt her tense in his arms as her eyes snapped open, instantly locking with his. He watched the emotions fly across her features so quickly that he wasn't sure he'd actually seen them all in the dim light filtering through from the street lights outside. He saw her go from fearful to surprised, noted the moment she realized the way he was holding her.
He could have sworn he saw a light blush as she pulled at her hand to have him release her. He held on a moment longer not to relish the moment of staring into her eyes with her body plastered against his, but to be sure she was cognizant enough that increased mobility wouldn't result in her lashing out.
"Are you going to hit me?" he asked with a crooked smile, closing his eyes tightly as if bracing for impact as he finally released her. He was hoping to alleviate the tension, but with his eyes closed he didn't know if he had been successful. He couldn't see her reaction, but felt her roll away from him.
Her voice sounded strange to him, soft and quiet. "Did you do something that I should hit you for?" His eyes popped open to find her lying on her back next to him, head turned to take in his expression. If it was anyone else and he had to give the tone a name, he'd say she sounded vulnerable.
He was certain she wouldn't appreciate his word choice, so he kept it to himself. She wasn't a weak woman and he'd never attempt to give her the impression that he thought that about her. She didn't let this tone slip out in the light of day, but he was certain something about it being less than an hour before dawn had her guard down. In an attempt to ignore the tone because he was sure she'd prefer that, he focused on her question.
Reluctantly he got comfortable on his side, watching her carefully, but keeping his hands to himself despite the urge to reach out. "I woke you up, but I think it's preferable to miss a little sleep over turning your partner into a human sparring dummy." He threw in an overly dramatic wince to emphasize his point.
"Sorry." She replied, averting her eyes from his and there was that damn tone he had been trying to get rid of. Her speaking to him like that was making him want to reach out and comfort her.
"Hey," he finally said in a calm even tone, waiting for her too look back at him before he continued, "It's fine. Really."
She nodded, surprising him with a sleepy smile. It was weak, but it was a step in the right direction.
He knew he was a masochist for even having the thoughts, much less voicing them, but he couldn't stop himself from trying to dig for a little information on what might help her get through this, "I know I'm kind of playing second fiddle here," he started, but all that earned him was a confused look from her, so he continued, "I just… I don't know what you need from me. If josh was here, he'd know how to help you through this. I'm sure he'd -"
Kate's snort cut him off. It was quiet and accompanied by a slight eye roll that didn't have the full effect from her drooping eyelids. It was a reaction he was used to her directing at him.
On a normal day it would have brought a smile to his face because he adored her expressions. On a bad day it would have him apologizing for whatever he had done. Tonight, he felt his stomach drop, because for some reason he saw that not far on the horizon he might find himself very angry for asking, "What?"
Kate sighed, her whole demeanor altered by her state of being barely awake. He had to lock away the observations about how she moved just a little more purposefully in this situation, how her eyes looked just the slightest unfocused, and how her tousled hair splayed across the bedspread and stuck in odd directions. He couldn't relish any one observation because she was speaking to him, "He'd be sleeping on the couch."
He didn't think he heard that right, or maybe he was misinterpreting her comment. She was obviously not the most coherent person when woken in the middle of the night.
"He has a tough job, Castle." She elaborated, but it still left him confused. Fortunately, she seemed to sense his confusion and she continued, "He'd finish the night on the couch if things got intense. He needed his sleep to stay focused."
Castle had been convinced that there was nothing that could make him dislike the doctor more than he already did. He didn't think there was anything worse than Josh having an amazing woman; one that Castle envied him being with. But, somehow, having her, but not appreciating all of her, seemed to be the first legitimate reason Castle had come across to dislike the other guy.
He understood what Kate was saying and she was probably the one who had told Josh to go and get some sleep in the living room. She probably told him that she was fine or even apologized. The fact that Josh had listened to her instead of seeing what Castle could see plain as day on her face, made his blood boil. "Don't defend him." He seethed.
He almost flinched at his own words and then waited the length of two painfully slow breaths for her to return his anger. Waited for her to tell him to get lost, leave her be, not pass judgment on the man. He was a good guy. Castle didn't doubt any of that, which was why he was surprised when she let the second breath out on a heavy sigh.
"It's not his fault." She explained, her voice still soft, but now with some nervousness as if she were telling him something that was hard to talk about. "I didn't let him in, didn't want him to see me like that."
The hurt reflecting from her eyes was enough to wash away the anger and make him ache all over again. He didn't like to think about her hurting, think about her alone and struggling. The analytical side of him, however, had latched onto the fact that she had not only let him be here for what she thought was inevitable, but that she had asked him to. She hadn't told him to go; she'd asked him to stay. Something about drawing that correlation reaffirmed his mission statement.
She was still looking at him with that subtle nervousness. She looked so small and fragile against the light bed sheets. He couldn't have stopped himself, even if he wanted to as he reached out and pulled her towards him. "Oh, Katie." The name slipped through on a sigh. It came out of nowhere. He'd never considered that particular variation of her name before, but something about her current state made him think to another time, comforting another girl after a nightmare. Back when he'd affectionately referred to his daughter as Lexi in times like these as he chased her nightmares away.
She didn't pull away, and willingly curled her body into his, letting him wrap his arms around her. He heard her mumble into his shirt, "I told him to go, so he could get some sleep. Sometimes I'd leave to make it easier."
Castle's grip tightened slightly, wanting to do something, anything, to show her that she wasn't as alone as she thought she was. Show her that she didn't have to face things by herself. "I wouldn't have listened. I would have followed you."
She started to laugh, not a deep heartfelt laugh, but one that spoke of the sadness to which they lent this situation, "Castle, that's not news." She finally said, her fingers loosening their grip on his shirt as she relaxed in his arms, "You have been following me around, not listening, for years now." Her words were slow and slightly slurred as she finished. He knew she was returning to sleep.
He couldn't see her face well from his angle slightly above her. Between the dim lighting, the shadows from his body and her hair fanning across her cheek, it could have been a trick of his imagination, but he swore she had a faint smile on her face a moment before she fully relaxed and sleep claimed her again.
x.x.x
A/N: I'm surprised I didn't get more writing done lately. I had a 4 day weekend, but it was my daughter's birthday and we've been super busy. It's her first year in school and she invited her whole class to her party at the park. Fortunately it was a big day in Spokane with Bloomsday, so even though all the kids brought their siblings and parents we only had about 40 people there. I painted faces for 3 hours and they all had fun.
Review that made my day: sarahlovesa, for a line that made me smile for the whole day, "This story sucks you in with what seems to be Casketty fluffiness. Then it grabs you by the throat and shakes you till your teeth rattle. Strangely enough, you do not beg for mercy; no, you beg for more." I don't know how true that is overall, but even if it's just true for you, that makes me incredibly proud.
Holy crap! When did that number get so high? 1,000+ reviews? Wow. I'm supremely humbled. I can look at my time writing fanfic over the past 6 months and see how much I've grown as an author. That growth is thanks to all of you guys who point out things like when to use then and than, call me on run on sentences and even those of you who only ever say generally positive things. It's inspiring and it's why I'm still going. Before fanfic I hadn't written anything in 10 years and had never finished a story longer than 20 pages. I now have almost 1500 pages and am closing in on finishing my 4th story. It's all very exciting and I'm so glad to have all of you along, helping me grow as an author and keeping me motivated because you want to see the end so I can't just give up.
Thanks to everyone for reading.