Chapter Thirty
Castle wasn't sure Beckett would show up after what he'd done, but Alexis seemed glad to take the morning off school to spend with him so it wouldn't be a total bust if it was just him and her. He was certain her enthusiasm had something to do with her perceptive nature. He had walked in just as she was grabbing a banana and she took one look at him and asked, "Tough case?"
He'd given his daughter a brief nod, not interested in going into any specifics. "Just came to grab a change of clothes then we're getting some breakfast at the diner."
"Dad," she admonished, "You don't need a change of clothes, you need sleep."
Castle shrugged off her concern, "I grabbed a couple hours and I can sneak a nap in the break room later if I get too tired."
"You're too old to sleep on a couch." She responded, but he could see the hint of pride in her eyes. It had him thinking back to a time not long ago when she didn't look at him like that. He knew that he wasn't the only one affected by the change his life took when Beckett walked into it, but he didn't see it every day. It was moments like this that brought home exactly the kind of change his life had undergone, the changes he'd been through as a person.
He ignored her comment about his age, "So, your first class is still music, right?" at her nod and questioning look he asked, "Think you'll miss anything if you're not there today?"
"Why?" she asked and he noted the hint of trepidation in her voice as if she was concerned about what he might ask her and there went the level of maturity she had attributed to him.
"Beckett asked if you wanted to join us for breakfast." He decided on simple and to the point.
Alexis gave him a set of raised eyebrows and a small smile, "Is there something you two need to talk to me about?" she asked, the teasing lilt in her voice betrayed her thoughts on where the breakfast conversation might go.
"I wish." He responded, strangely at ease without a single filter on his thoughts. He already knew Alexis could read him like a book, but he didn't need to share his issues with her. He shook off the thought. "It's just this case. It seems to have brought up a lot of feelings about what is wrong in the world. I think Beckett knows me well enough to understand that when something like this gets to me, spending time with you is usually all I need to start seeing the good in the world again."
"Wow, no pressure, huh?" she laughed lightly, but he watched as she put the banana back where she'd gotten it from.
"Hey, don't think about it like that." He reassured her. "I think she just wants to soak up a little bit of our youthful innocence, live outside the day we had, even if just for a little while before we head back into the fray."
"Think she'd appreciate hearing you phrase it like that?" she asked doubtfully, and he caught the hint of a threat to rat him out in her voice.
"No, I think she'd probably say that we needed to eat and she thought it was the only way she could get me to take a break and spend a little time with you." He responded, "But I know better than that. Look, if it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to come."
"It's fine. I'd actually like that." There was something behind her admission and perhaps if he wasn't so tired he might understand. Instead, he didn't even have a chance as she continued speaking. "I have a test in AP English, but that's not until third period, so there's plenty of time."
It didn't take him long to slip into a fresh set of clothes and straighten out his hair. Alexis was waiting with her backpack when he came back into the room.
Their time in the cab was laced with light hearted conversation surrounding one of his favorite subjects, what was going on in the life of his daughter.
They were still five minutes out when his phone chimed. He knew it was Beckett and was almost tempted to ignoring it just so he didn't have to read that she was revoking the offer of joining them that she had given earlier. Figuring it was better to know instead of assume, he slipped his phone out of his pocket and opened it.
"Running behind. Be there in fifteen. Have a coffee waiting? Going to need it."
He tapped out a quick affirmation and slipped his phone away with the slightest sigh of relief that he hadn't run her off.
"Are you going to tell me about this case that has you both so on edge?" Alexis asked when he stared out the window in silence.
"No."
She frowned slightly at that, "Is it just work that's got you so off this morning?"
"No." he responded again, though he could tell she was picking something up. He fixed the lopsided smile on his mouth as he glanced at her before shifting focus back outside.
"Should I ask Beckett what's got you all incommunicative?"
"No."
She smiled at that, setting him up for the last time, "Are you capable of saying anything else?"
He grinned back at her, it wasn't a mask anymore, "No." he responded and she leaned into his side letting out that cute chuckle that always seemed to melt his heart.
x.x.x
Breakfast was a light event, with Beckett and Alexis holding down most of the conversation. Despite his initial misgivings, Castle found himself easily relaxing in the company of the two women. Somewhere in the back of his mind, as that thought struck him, he wondered when he had started considering his little girl with that title.
It was not a new feeling to experience the revelation that his baby was so grown up and it was not a new drop in his stomach. It was, however, the first time the realization had hit in a few weeks. It was the first time that he had to seriously consider life with a daughter gone and the potential of not even his job to go back to.
Castle excused himself, not interested in continuing his startling revelation in the middle of their breakfast and interrupting the soft laughter that floated between the two other occupants of the table. As he entered the bathroom, he found himself braced against the counter above one of the sinks.
His eyes found his reflection in the mirror. Absentmindedly he took in his features, the dark smudges beneath his eyes that spoke of his nearly sleepless night. The tightness in his jaw and pained look in his eyes as he finally let the thoughts that he stopped at the table wash over him.
It was like chilled water from a winter wave, a sudden striking cold that whipped through him. It was the realization that this could be the end of something that he had just begun to scratch the surface of and possibly the start of a new and darker chapter in his life.
Alexis was going off to school, that was inevitable. While he hated the idea, he had been able to assuage the feelings with the thought that he'd still have Kate and he'd still have work. Not writing, that wasn't really his focus any more, hadn't been in a long time. Work was solving murders with a couple of funny guys and a beautiful detective that he was more than crazy about.
Work was the thing that was supposed to hold him together when his daughter was gone and nights at home became an exercise in ignoring the feelings of loneliness that would inevitably follow him into his empty loft apartment. The thought of Kate's impending choice and what the wake of that decision could do to his life was like the sour icing on his bitter cake.
He allowed himself a moment to focus fully on the ramifications if she chose to marry Josh. He'd have to leave, at least the precinct, if not the city all together. He'd lose his newfound purpose; he'd lose his hope for spending the rest of his life with someone. He knew it had been ridiculous to build up that hope in the first place, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. Especially now, knowing her so intimately on top of everything, knowing how they were together as opposed to imagining how it might be, losing her would be the end of that thought process. Sure, someday he might meet someone, they might like each other and live a life content in each other's company, but it wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be enough.
Before Beckett, he had been content to settle down in his two marriages, never really understanding what was missing from each of them. Knowing what he did now about the potential depth of feelings and emotions he could harbor towards a woman, he could easily see what both had been lacking. They were the type of settling he knew he would spend the rest of his life doing because he felt the difference with Kate. He felt the bonds they shared that went beyond physical attraction or even compatibility. There was something there.
The understanding snapped him out of his thoughts. She had to see it, too. If she didn't yet, she would in time if he just took a deep breath to regain himself and focused back on his plan. As he splashed cool water on his cheeks, he made a silent vow that as soon as this case was over he would lay it all out on the line. He had to be the one to step up before she could make the decision. He had to give her all the facts to weigh in as evidence in her list of reasons to answer the question she had been posed. But not now. He couldn't do it with such darkness hanging over both of them, not when she was vulnerable and neither of them had the focus or mental fortitude to handle a conversation that would certainly be gut-wrenching, at least for him.
He steeled himself to face the two unsuspecting and cheerful women he had left several minutes before and finally made his way out of the bathroom.
He walked into the main dining area in time to see Alexis taking purposeful strides towards the exit. He shot a confused look at Beckett who was gathering their things, but she didn't meet his eyes as she counted out cash to leave on the table. He made a mental note to pay her back for covering their breakfast.
By the time he took in the whole scene and was hit with a feeling that he missed something, he noticed Alexis was already at the curb; hand out to flag down a cab. When that finally registered, he started towards her, but before he even reached the door a yellow car had pulled to the curb and she was slipping her backpack off her shoulders as she climbed inside.
He was stopped in his tracks a moment, watching the scene play out and wondering if he had accurately interpreted his daughter's demeanor from her hurried gait, the set of her shoulders, and her stiff posture as she hailed the cab. Kate snapped him out of his pondering when she pushed his coat into his hands and started towards the door as well.
She turned back to him as she pushed against the metal bar on the mostly glass surface he had been watching his daughter through, "You coming, Castle?" she asked, a typical question, but in a voice that was anything but.
Once on the street he focused his gaze on her, as much as he could with the steady stream of pedestrians blanketing the sidewalk all around them, "What was that about?"
He noted that she didn't meet his gaze and that didn't sit well with him, "Alexis said to tell you she'd call later, but she had to get to school."
That almost stopped him in his tracks. It wasn't the first time she had lied to him, and he was certain it wouldn't be the last time, but this was about Alexis. She knew how worried he would be watching her leave the way she had and still she was feeding him some crap line that was less than reassuring.
"Tell me what happened." He responded tightly, grasping her arm gentle, just enough to have her stopping her forward motion and turning towards him. He noticed her sudden interest in the button of his shirt for what it was, another attempt to avoid making eye contact. He had been around her far too long to take the evasive action lying down. "Damn it, Beckett. What did you say to her?"
That got Kate's attention, fierce green eyes leapt up to meet his and he watched her chin raise defiantly. "It's nothing, Castle, but if you feel like you have to track her down at school and have a gossip party, then by all means, run along. I have a murder to solve and a kid to find."
She yanked her arm free from his grasp and turned away, walking more quickly towards the precinct. She had parked at work and walked the three blocks down, leaving her with no option but to walk back, present company at her side.
"You'd tell me, right?" he finally asked, his quiet tone barely traversing the distance between them. She glanced at him with a raised eyebrow, silent question for elaboration clear in her eyes, "You'd tell me if it was something bad, even if she asked you not to say anything, right?"
This time she was the one who stopped him. She was fixing a reassuring smile in his direction and he felt a little lighter for the sight of it. "Sorry, I didn't even think about that." She replied, not really answering his question. "It's nothing like that, nothing to worry about." She seemed to be lost for words a moment as a light changed several feet from them and the swarm of people stopped at the intersection made their way across the street. They were far from alone, but there was enough space now for her to take a small step away. He watched as her focus shifted to a newspaper stand just down the block, still seemingly unable to meet his gaze.
"She sounded like she already knew, like you'd already told her, and I may have responded to her open ended questions with a few things that I shouldn't have." She finally responded.
Castle actually laughed a little at Beckett's apparent distress with the situation. "Now you know how I feel half the time." He said, but her glare stopped his humor, "Look, don't let it bother you. She is like a Jedi Master at using vague and universal statements to make you think that she knows everything about something she hasn't a clue about."
They continued walking again as if by mutual silent agreement. "I'm still sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."
"Listen, Beckett, its fine." He said as they neared the precinct and he knew they'd have to draw this conversation to a close. "Do I think she's old enough to know about certain things that happen in life? No. But then again, it's not something that anyone is 'old enough' to handle." He missed the confusion on her face as they entered the building and started towards the elevators. "Don't beat yourself up about it. She'd probably end up reading about it in the paper eventually, if she hasn't already." He continued, not seeing the horrified look on her face as he leaned across to press the button.
Silence blanketed them as the doors finally opened and they started the short trip up to the bullpen. He finally continued, "You didn't tell her any of the graphic details did you?"
"What?" she asked, and he was slightly confused by the utter surprise that came out in her gasped question. He watched her cheeks instantly color with a faint pink tinge as she glared at him as if outraged he would think so little of her. "Of course not." She told him vehemently.
Kate's concern for his daughter's mental health when she hadn't even dished the details and particular would have endeared her to him if she didn't already have that special place in his heart. "This is going to be a high profile case, Beckett. She'll probably hear more about it from the kids at school then you gave her, anyway." He reassured her and stepped out of the elevator, noting the understanding that crossed her features.
It seemed an odd emotion for the conversation, but he filed it away. It was time to focus and get to work. They had a case to solve.
x.x.x
A/N: I don't know why they're being uncooperative, but I was finally able to wrestle them back to work. We have a case to solve and the rest of a story to wrap up… my brain doesn't seem to care as I sit down to write and it deviates from my mission for the day. Oh! A Tuesday update… maybe I won't be mad at my brain for whatever it wants to do. Cancels out, carry on.
Review that made my day: Beetlebug, I've thought a couple of times about a cop out, since I tend to write pivotal scenes in advance and am struggling with my vision on the one coming up, but I think I like yours the best. "The Devil made her do it." Nice… I'll keep it as a backup in case I never get it figured out. I'm sure I won't need it, but it was still a nice laugh for me. Thanks.
Thanks to everyone for reading.