Warning: Dark and disturbing imagery, if you're squeamish, skim it or skip to about the middle, but you might be lost next chapter. Feel free to send me a PM and I'll send you a less graphic synopsis of this chapter.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Castle was in a fog, had been since they left the bullpen. He knew he shouldn't have gone down to the morgue with Beckett. Something in him screamed to stay behind, run the families' financials with Ryan or go through the fan mail with Esposito, or just stay in his chair and try to distract himself with a game of Angry Birds if he could think of nothing else.
He had ignored the voice and had been paying the price ever since.
He'd seen the boy's body in the alley and was certain that going down there now couldn't have provided any more gruesome imagery to his already haunted thoughts, but he'd been wrong.
They walked in to see the boy covered neatly in a white sheet from the chest down. That view provided no hint as to the reason for him to be lying pale and lifeless on the table as the sheet covered the wounds. Jacob Henley's young eyes, glassy and unseeing, stared up into the bright overhead lighting and despite talking himself down as they made their way here, Castle didn't stop himself from looking into the lifeless orbs.
It wasn't the state of the body; though he couldn't see it he could easily recall the prior visions. It wasn't the unblinking, unseeing eyes, clouded over with a mask of death, a sight that had always disturbed him on some level. It was the table itself. More aptly, it was the size of the table in reference to the size of the body.
The extra length of table below the boy's feet seemed to stretch out with nothing occupying it but the bottom of the sheet. If Castle blurred his vision just enough, he could almost convince himself it was an amputee, a full grown man with no legs and that was why the length of table was bare. Unfortunately, even with unfocussed eyes, he could see the matching lumps where the boy's feet bulged beneath the sheet, exposing the lie in his thoughts. Despite his willingness, he was unable to look away.
Lanie and Beckett had been talking; he knew he should be listening. Castle wanted justice in this one and he was going to be worthless in the hunt if he didn't have the facts.
After a couple of minutes he finally forced his mind back to the present, forced his brain to pay attention to the conversation, and found himself suddenly very upset that he'd chosen that moment.
"Any sign of sexual assault?" Beckett asked and he felt the air leave his body.
He was certain of the answer that would follow, but couldn't find a way to pull his focus back out of the conversation now that he'd made the physical effort to invest in it. He knew from the location of the wounds, the obvious rage and violence of the attack, there was no way the answer would be anything but yes. He hoped there would at least be DNA evidence.
Lanie surprised him when she responded, "No. It doesn't appear so." He looked to her, confused by the answer. He saw her swallow, hard, as if she were going to explain the reasons it didn't look like an assault of that nature, but even thinking about it made his stomach turn again. He was glad that the medical examiner seemed to have similar thoughts, as she finished, "How about just 'No' there's no indication of that."
"But the wounds? The killer seems to have been trying to get rid of that part of him specifically like he was ashamed or frustrated. It seems very sexual." Castle shocked himself by pointing it out.
He screamed in his head to shut up even as the words formed and tumbled out of his mouth. He didn't want further details, he wanted this trip to the morgue to be over, he wanted to leave the slightly chilled room, the cloying scent of various disinfectants, the sight of the small boy. He couldn't believe he didn't choke on his own words. Now, they were out there, analysis in progress as the two women contemplated his words.
"I'll preface this with the statement that I'm not a psychologist, but amend that statement with the fact that I have seen a lot of bodies roll through here in my time." He almost lost it completely as Lanie pulled back the sheet to lay witness to her words as she continued uninterrupted by either of them.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought that Kate must find it weird for him not to interrupt, but the thought was fleeting. "There's bruising around the wounds that suggest the knife was used so forcefully that the hilt itself cut into the flesh on occasion. The wounds are generally located between his lower abdomen and upper thighs. While there is obvious damage to the genital area, it is not focused there. This reminds me more of cases where a jealous wife takes out their cheating husband or a rape victim seeking revenge against their attacker."
"How so?" Beckett asked, and he was almost glad she did. Not that he needed to hear any more, but because he wasn't currently capable of thought much less speech and somehow he knew that one of them needed to be paying attention.
"In sexual assault, the violence is usually focused very narrowly. It's as if the predator wants to destroy the object of their desire, likely with the misguided thought that the act will also destroy that desire." Lanie shook her head, as if trying to get the images out as she reached to cover the boy again. "This is more of a broad attempt to destroy the entire person, with a side focus on the location."
"More like vengeance?" Kate asked, but he heard the note in her voice like another puzzle piece was falling into place. Damn, he loved her brain. They were going to get this guy, Castle was sure of it, he just hoped they made it in time.
It seemed odd, a few minutes later, when Lanie walked out into the hall with them. The more he thought about it, as the three of them seemed to make inane conversation, he realized she was doing what she could to distance herself from the situation. He realized, not for the first time, that the tough as nails medical examiner obviously found herself just as affected by this as the rest of them. She seemed so calm and professional most of the time, but there was something about this case that seemed to be eating at all of them.
His case focus was shattered several minutes later as they seemed to be winding down in conversation and Lanie shot him a sideways glance before smiling slyly at Kate and asking, "So, how's the single life treating you?"
He was sure his mouth was hanging open as the words penetrated his focus and he watched Beckett closely. The instant the word were out, Kate's eyes narrowed dangerously on her friend. The anger, hurt and betrayal she was obviously feeling clearly reflected in her glare. To her credit, Lanie didn't seem fazed by an expression that, if directed towards him, would have had him quaking in his boots.
It wasn't the information she had deliberately kept from him or even the way she looked at her friend as if she was plotting a murder, it was when she finally glanced at him that he had enough. Her face was like a bulletin board with big bold letters across the surface that seemed to read 'Back off' with an undercurrent of something else. Something that looked like a sick cross between fear and regret.
He knew what she was saying as she looked at him. The unspoken words were like a lance through him. It was the same reason she hadn't said anything. She had let him go on thinking she was still with Josh for who knows how long because she had no interest in a repeat performance of them together. She didn't want him the way he wanted her and he was angry.
He was pissed at her for keeping it from him, for using him, for leaving him to suffer with thoughts of her marrying another guy, for using that expression to remind him that regardless of her status as a single woman, there was no way she'd want him. He hated the feeling in his gut, hated the situation, her opinion of him, hated her. He knew he was being overly dramatic, knew he didn't actually hate her, but that knowledge didn't stop the feelings from raging through him for an instant.
He couldn't face her and turned, starting blindly towards the elevator. He vaguely heard her calling to him, but ignored it. He needed some space to breathe.
He didn't get that space as he heard her heels on the tile floor, quickly following his retreat. "Castle, wait." By the time he got on the elevator she had caught up with him.
He didn't turn around after boarding the lift. Instead, he moved to a corner, grasping the handrails there and hoping they were enforced enough to hold the weight he was currently not able to trust his legs to hold up on their own. The way Lanie said it, there was no chance this was a new change Beckett had just not happened to mention to him in the past 12 hours.
He wondered how long she had been free and a moment of relief washed over him as he thought perhaps he hadn't been the cause of her and Josh splitting up, perhaps that had come before. Even as the relief waned, guilt followed, but quickly ebbed. In the span of a few short seconds, he was left with a hollow feeling in his gut. All he could think about was that she hadn't told him. She had intentionally left him in the dark.
He knew why she had done it. On some level, he knew. He just didn't want to accept it. Even thinking about it made that burning in his stomach turn into a deep pulsing ache. He didn't want to consider that she had done it to spare his feelings. Save him from having to know that she wasn't interested in the same things he was.
He'd never made a secret of his feelings for her. That wasn't true, he'd tried to keep that under his hat, but he was unsuccessful in the extreme, if the regular razzing he got from Ryan and Esposito was anything to go by. They called him on it all the time. Never in front of Beckett, but if they could see it, she most certainly had a long time before.
"Castle?" she tried to get his attention.
He didn't want her to talk, didn't want her to burst the little bubble of hope he had built up. Thinking something and having it confirmed were two very different things. He could think she might say something, but if she didn't actually say it he could keep hold of his hope.
"Look at me." She asked, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't face the pity or apology in her eyes. "Please, Rick?"
Her tone would normally stop him short. She was never one to plead, especially with him, but he didn't want to have this conversation right now. He knew he wasn't strong enough to face the potential heart ache that her reasoning for not telling him would unleash. "No." his tone was hard and cold, but calm despite the crushing feeling in his chest. "Not here, please. Not now." It was his turn to plead with her.
Watching her distorted reflection in the surface of the elevator walls, he sees that she is trying to make eye contact with him despite the poor reflective surface. Silence stretches between them like a physical weight pressing down on him and leaving him wondering if this even touched her at all. "We need to focus, ok?" he finally said, taking a long breath to steady himself. "We need to focus on Jacob and April. We don't have the luxury of doing this right now."
He was actually proud of how steady his voice was, how much logical sense he was making despite the blood pulsing through his veins.
After a long moment, she reaches out to him, but he shifts away from her and her hand falls back to her side. With a sigh, she seemed to understand and he watches her nod, accepting the silence between them.
Finally, they reach the bullpen, and just as the elevator slows, he turns, attempting to blanket over the emotions warring through him so they weren't projecting from his features.
"I'm sorry." She says quietly as the doors slide open.
The simple sentence sends his mind reeling again, but he doesn't have time to catch his breath as Ryan and Esposito flag them down the moment they are spotted through the door.
Castle doesn't miss the confused looks from Ryan and Esposito as the two detectives, astute as always, don't miss that there is something wrong. However, by the time they join the other detectives at the murder board, everyone seems to have refocused on the case at hand.
"Looks like that hunch might have some serious weight behind it." Ryan said, clipping a DMV photo of Hank Fletcher onto the board under the heading suspect.
"Fletcher hasn't been to work since Jacob's body was found." Esposito explained.
Beckett seemed to take this in with a single nod, turning her focus to the slightly grainy photo of the man in question. "Get the info to Agent McCain and his team. Fletcher lives in a studio apartment, he probably couldn't keep the kids there. Ryan, Esposito, look into his financials, see if there's another property somewhere."
Castle wasn't surprised when the boys turned to their task and Kate was once again focused on him, "We're going to be here late tonight, Castle. If you want to head home," she offered, allowing her statement to fall away and him to take it as he would.
"Not a chance in Hell, Kate. I'm in this."
She nodded. "Ok, I'm sure McCain will be in shortly." he thought that was the end of it, but when he moved to his seat he felt her hand on his arm stopping his motion. "After seeing him," she didn't need to elaborate on who she was talking about, "I'm not going to be able to eat, but could you grab something for the guys? They need dinner and we're not getting out of here for a while."
He nodded. There was no other response to that. He'd like to be there with them, searching for the answers they needed, but he understood the need for space as well as the food that he might be able to talk her into eating if he played his cards right.
x.x.x
A/N: Hmm… Case feels rushed to me, but I guess that's because it's usually my focus and this time I'm not doing a case fic. Not having a couple hundred pages to lay out the facts in evidence makes me feel like I'm cheating you all out of that chase and figuring out who the killer is on your own, but that will have to wait until next time when I'm not writing introspection and actually have a case to lay some focus on.
If this wasn't 75% written before the finale, you wouldn't have a chapter tonight because my brain is mush after that. Wow, just wow. Needless to say, it's late, I'm tired, and this is under-edited again because I had to watch it again after it was over.
Review that made my day: DarkStrider, for putting into words what I was trying to accomplish and therefore making me feel like I hit the mark I had set, at least a little bit.
Thanks to everyone for reading.