A/N: Again, Danielle totally steers clear of the abortion. She's heartless; just like her mother, (no it's just me avoiding the whole topic)!
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
"Dad, can I have some time alone please?" Danielle and Andy were stood a few feet away from the distinguished spot where Lizzie Jones was laid to rest almost one year ago.
Andy compassionately squeezed Danielle's shoulder. "I'll wait here love."
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
It was a lovely day for the month of April. The sun was shyly hiding behind the clouds as the breeze delicately disturbed Danielle's hair as she approached her mother's grave.
A few feet away, a young blonde girl turned around to face her father. Andy nodded, encouraging Danielle to bathe within the comfort only this particular spot seemed to offer.
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
"Hello mum," Danielle didn't feel half as silly as she thought she would. It felt as if there was someone there to listen to her, even if they couldn't respond.
The young girl kneeled down at her mother's grave stone, lifting her hand and stroking the engraving.
"You're not angry are you? At least, I don't think you are…" She bowed her head, noticing how the grass here seemed to exhibit a much healthier, darker shade of green. The breeze suddenly softened as the sun broke through the impenetrable clouds, warming Danielle's back and enhancing the golden engraving.
I'll be forever thankful mum
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all
Danielle was unsure what to say. Just being here made her feel so strong, at this moment the whole earth could come crashing down but somehow, she'd be okay. "So um… London's been great…" Her thumbs were racing, but her eyes remained fixed on the golden-lettered words before her. "I've… Well, it's not been easy I guess, but I've had my moments." Her voice remained weak, just above a whisper. The blonde lightly bit her bottom lip and began to pluck strands of grass out of the ground; anything to keep her hands occupied. Memories of the recent past signed a smile on Danielle's face. It hadn't been all bad. She again bowed her head before speaking. "Stacey's a laugh, you'd love her mum," she giggled a little at the memories, but this caused her tears to spill over. Danielle started to sob between words. "I'm so sorry mum; I never meant to hurt you…"
There was a drastic change as the sun once again took cover behind the clouds. The grieving daughter ignored the drop in light. "She's not all bad is she eh?" Danielle lifted her head and began to study the monument closer as she spoke. "I think she'll make it up to me you know. I don't think she meant half the things she said." The pale girl swept her sleeve across her eyes and sniffed. Her mother would have known exactly what to do with the whole Ronnie situation - that's what Danielle liked to think anyway. She would have offered advice, support, been Danielle's very own agony aunt.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
"Its not been perfect but hey, I needed some drama in my life didn't I ey?" Danielle smiled at the very first thought crossing her mind. One of the many comforting words her mother would speak, the faces she would pull, but most importantly the love she would convey. Nineteen years firmly supported the images in Danielle's mind; she had been loved by this woman like a mother to a child. A love which everyone identified as imperishable. "You're gonna be with me every step of the way…" Danielle was once more in tears but grateful that her father saw it right to give her some space.
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
Danielle smiled as the sun stubbornly battled with the clouds, again returning to shine from the heavens, now onto Danielle's tear struck face, hurriedly drying the streaks away. "Remember those funny hugs you used to give me when I finished school?" Danielle glanced to the sky in an effort to pull back the tears. She returned her head down and sniffed again. "Everyday you used to take my bag from me, fall to your knees and suffocate me. You never told me what you used to draw on my back, but you'd only ever let go when you'd finished your masterpiece? No one's ever hugged me like that." Recent tears were urged to take the inevitable drop, sliding down a young girl's cheek in its undecided route, causing the growing lump in her throat to alter her voice, reducing further in volume. "I'd try to get away before any of my friends saw, but you were an immovable one weren't ya?" She longingly sighed "What I'd give for one of those now…" Danielle started to break down, sobbing into her hands for a few minutes.
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
The breeze was picking up once more. Danielle sat with her mother, talking about nights out with Stacey, memories of growing up, anything which she felt she had to say. The cemetery was well kept with the lawn regularly mowed, seasonal flowers watered daily and plenty of trees. Suddenly, a leaf came fluttering down from the sky, swaying gently in the wind before settling elegantly on top of Lizzie's gravestone. Danielle watched as it lay there, no longer interrupted by the current of air. Her active hands reached to pick it up, fiddling with the uniquely branched lines. It was a wonder where this particular leaf had come from. It was brown and crispy, like an autumn leaf, none of these in sight in April.
"Can you see me working behind a bar eh?" She huffed, only now realising how questionable the concept was with her character. "Not just any bar though." Danielle stroked the top of the headstone, the closest she could be to her mother.
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
"I know you're always with me you know…" The undecided light wind once again altered its direction. "She'll be your wake-up within the wind, the warmth within the rays." Danielle smiled as she remembered her brother's comforting words from last year. She'd used these to find some strength, some reason to get out of bed in the morning.
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
"She's a complicated woman. I really thought there was no hope, but then I got drunk didn't I eh? Totally crashed Peggy's wedding! Na, she seems genuine" The girl firmly nodded her head. "You've certainly given me a push in the right direction. Sone strenght in me is adamant I can't do anything wrong nowadays. Totally turned the tables you have mum. I know it's all you, like you've brought out a different side to her by making me push all the right buttons. It's what makes me think you're pleased for me." A small smile crept upon the girl's baby-face.
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
Danielle shifted on her knees a little, took a quick look at her father and smiled. He was waiting patently like he'd promised. Danielle had been talking to her mother for the best part of half an hour, but it was so soothing, something so comforting about just sitting here. Danielle could spend hours here if she wanted to.
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
The sun had decided to remain shining over Telford as Danielle folded her hands and wedged them between her thighs. "I sometimes wish you could just get inside my head you know. Just feel what I feel, try to understand why I had to find her." How could she possibly put into words her reasons for somewhat betraying her family? How could she be so naïve, believing her mother was happy for her and yet knowing she was lying to them, throwing it all back in their…
Without warning, the soft breeze abruptly grew into a displeasing wind, whistling angrily around her. Danielle pulled at her sweater, wrapping it tighter around her body.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
"Do you remember when we used to go to the park; I'd always ask you why I had this locket and what was different with my mummy. You always took your time explaining, knowing full well that next week I'd ask the same questions all over again." Danielle laughed as she reminisced in the past. "Honestly, when the time's right, if I make a fraction of the mother you were…are…" Stroking the engraving once again, she cleared her throat, pushing the lump further down. "You always knew when something was wrong." The wind proportionally reduced in power along with mother-nature's animosity. "Didn't know I was that easy to read. No one knew me like you did they eh? I used to say 'oh, I'm fine' and dad seemed to buy it. Not you though ey mum? No, you used to stare at me with your eyes locked…" Danielle squinted as she tried to remember the very intent look her mother had bestowed upon her, "You use to sigh, maybe play with my fringe and then you'd whisper in my ear, 'Danielle. Tell me the truth,' and I'd just cry…" Her last words were rushed as she once again burst into tears.
Britain really did have the most unpredictable weather. What Danielle hoped would be a beautiful sunny day was now showing signs of precipitation. A single rain drop fell upon Danielle's head. The heavens were beginning to open.
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Danielle tried to prolong her visit, but she knew if it started to rain heavily, her dad would call for her.
"Loved isn't a word." She spoke directly to the engraved words, 'Lizzie Jones', wishing them to be more physical then what they were now. "There is no past tense of love right mum? That's what you always said to me. If you love someone, you'll always love them." Danielle sighed, and twisted her tongue from within her mouth before speaking again. "God have I experienced exactly what you mean. I tried so hard to forget her mum, I really did," she nodded, just as though Lizzie was sat right ahead of her. "She just kept pushing me away, but it wouldn't leave me alone, the nagging relentlessly banging away. That night, I was so drunk mum. My head was pounding so much, I thought at least that would block out her voice you know? But it didn't, so I thought, I have to confront her! How dare she just avoid me?" The teenager hadn't noticed how her past emotions had pumped certain hormones into her blood stream. She didn't acknowledge her raised voice, or sharp intakes of breath.
"But it was all him mum. It feels like all she wants to do now is be there for me, be my friend…" The teenager blocked out the confusing signals associated with Ronnie for now.
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
Lizzie had been a very understanding woman. Always very sensitive to her children's needs, especially Danielle's. She'd always wanted a baby girl, whereas Gareth had been more of a Daddy's boy.
Danielle wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, cleared her throat and took in a sharp breath. She spoke sternly, but her voice filled with passion. "You… You are my mother! Irreplaceable!" The now calm, warm breeze gently caressed Danielle's hair, pushing her fringe further back so that her face was in better view. "I'm not trying to replace you mum. I really hope you understand. It's just…" Two more tears were released from her left eye. "… I had to find her, the not-knowing just started to get to me mum, I tried to stop it but it wouldn't leave me alone." Danielle had totally lost herself within her thoughts. She plummeted back into reality as an ageing man towards her right burst into tears before what must have been his late wife's resting place.
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
"Danielle, we should…" Andy was standing on tip toes, his raised voice successfully attracting his engrossed daughter's attention so unexpectedly that she interrupted him, as if prepared for a reply if she were to be disturbed.
"Just a minute Dad!" She graoned feebly.
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
"I guess this is it for now mum" Danielle's legs had undetectably numbed. "Don't you worry about Dad, I'll look after him."
She placed her hands on the grass and pushed herself up onto her feet. For a few seconds, her head began to spin. These light-headed moments had started to come over her every time she lifted herself too quickly.
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Once steadied, Danielle unwillingly began her goodbyes.
"You stay with me you hear? And don't go misbehaving up there, I know what you're like." She smiled softly. She didn't want to cry anymore. If she cried, it was like saying goodbye and she didn't want to say goodbye…
"I'll see you again very soon mum, you take care," Danielle looked to the sky, the clouds slowly moving on.
"Try to make Dad understand wont you?" A quick glance to Andy made her warmly smile at him. It was time to go…for now.
" I love you mum." Danielle grudgingly walked away, spiritually leaving behind the most comforting presence she had felt foe what seemed a lifetime.
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
The drive home went on without much conversation. Andy concentrated on the road although undoubtedly his brain partially in its own little world. He sent awkward smiles to his left, but a sickly tension was present, neither knowing what to say.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
Andy cleared his throat. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again, nervously spiralling his fingers around the gear knob. What could he possibly say? "So um… Do you want to talk Dani?"
To Danielle, her father had destroyed the tension and reached a hand out to her. Had she even heard the question? "Do you visit her often dad?" She removed her shoes and raised her feet to the end of the passenger seat, her legs now tucked tightly into her body.
Andy sighed and shook his head gently. "At least once a week. I like talking to her, she's still there you know."
"I know" Danielle placed her hand affectionately on top of Andy's left. As he approached roads permitting greater speeds, he threw the car into fourth sending Danielle's arm flying.
She sighed in disbelief. "You and your old tricks eh? What're you like…" Andy hadn't played that joke on her for years, but then, she'd not felt the need to hold his hand in years neither.
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Danielle remembered how she'd been scared of being in a car at night. Her mother had always insisted she sat in the front seat so that she could hold Daddy's hand if she ever got scared. It was always on the motorways where Danielle would securely close her eyes and clutch Andy's left hand, which he thoughtfully left on the gearstick, waiting for her. Admittedly, it sometimes prevented him from steering with both hands, but luckily, he'd found a way to trick her.
"Oh dear me, sorry love, me and my jerky hand eh."
It always seemed to cheer Danielle up. She'd sit and just laugh away the journey…
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
"Do you feel like she's with you? I know it sounds silly but…"
"No I do," Andy immediately responded. "Your mums always with us Dani, don't forget that."
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
Danielle looked up to her father, intrigued but worried at the same time. It was a mysterious feeling. If only Andy knew…
"She loves you very much, you remember that Dani. She'll always be here." Andy patted his chest twice; in the place it was believed the heart resided, A never tiring organ empowering life.
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me