Ultra Magnus

Author's Foreword:

... and waited ... and waited ... until I got tired of waiting and just kept waiting. You see, the problem with life is that no matter what you do, write fanfics, play World of Warcraft, play actual video games, there will be this little thing nagging its way into your world. Anybody care to guess what this thing is? Well, I don't think that anybody who reads this stuff has it ... it is called ... a life. C.M.D. kept getting occupied by her job (dude, seriously, go find another job! I am WILLING to help!) and I was not readily available all the time because of my job ... did I just see a spleen fly by? In any case, finally, we managed to meet up ...

The worst part of the day is the morning. First, you have to come online, then you have to perform a multitude of mandatory diagnostics and then you have to get up- but the fun doesn't end there! There is also the matter of Ratchet being the Chief Medical Officer, meaning that he had to get up earlier than everybody else to perform extra checks; have everybody running to him with their booboos, whining like little protoforms, all of which made Ratchet wonder how the slag they were ever able to stand up to Megatron so many times, and stay online.

Ratchet pushed himself to the limit to get off the berth, grabbed a cup of oil to somehow wake up and began preparing for yet another slagalicious day of everyone coming to him with their silly problems.

"Jazz to Autobot Base on Earth, Jazz to Autobot Base on Earth- please respond!"

"Urgh," Ratchet used his free hand to open up the commlink, rubbing his optics he answered, "Jazz, this is Ratchet. What's going on?"

"Ratchet! Good! There is …," Jazz coughed, "… a medical emergency."

"Tell Sentinel to stop using the vacuum cleaner to ma…"

"No, um, Ratchet, um, it's Ultra Magnus."

"Wh…," the medbot completely woke up, "What? Ultra Magnus?"

"Yeah. Is everybody still asleep?"

"Yes, I will wake them up imme-"

"NO!"

"What?" Ratchet turned back to the monitor, widening his optics, "What?"

"Um, Ratchet, it will be much, much better if you keep all this as humans say 'under the table', or secret."

"All right. What's going on?"

"Can you get everybody off the base on patrol or something?"

"Yes, why?"

"Just trust me on this one."

"Remember what happened last time I …"

"Bumblebee said that you would like it!"

"All right. Everybody is gone, bring him in."

"We'll be there in astroseconds."

Ratchet was pacing around the medbay trying to calm himself and refraining from pondering what had problem had arisen with Ultra Magnus. What the slag happened? What was with all the secrecy? Something wasn't right...

"Wow, man,these halls, they are so, like, brown," a strangely familiar voice said.

"What the slag?" Hearing the steps coming down the hall, getting closer to the medbay, Ratchet stopped. An uneasy feeling had been looming over the Autobot ever since the communiqué. Now after hearing that in the hall, his mechanical heart began pumping fluids faster and faster with a scary chill creepily crawling all over his body. He knew how slagged up things could get... the CMO just knew...

Finally the door opened and through it Ultra Magnus came in, with the widest set of optics Ratchet ever saw on any bot; mouth slightly opened and a weird expression on his facial plates as he leaning heavily on Jazz.

"Oh look!" Ultra Magnus pointed at the medbot and sang with a grouchy, "It's The Doctor! Oh my spark! It is The Doctor! FLYYYYYYY MEEEE TOOOOO THEEEEE MOOOOON!"

"Oooooooh, my head!" Ratchet was slowly coming back online, "What happened?"

"Docbot man, you fainted."

"From wh…," the memory came back to him as he was interrupted by Ultra Magnus.

"Stop moving the Earth! SLOW IT DOWN!"

"Dude, this flower thing is, like, so like ghetto maaaan." The Autobot leader said looking at a model of a human heart, a present from Sari to Ratchet.

"So how did this happen?," Ratchet started, trying to ignore the Elite Guard commander.

"Why do I carry a huge eggbeater around with me all the time and why won't anything fit in it?"

"Well, Ultra Magnus asked me to show him around the country to get to know Earth's ways of life better and see if Cybertron could adapt something."

"Uh-huh. Oh! So he is no longer scared of organics?"

"Holy cow! This berth is so fluffy and readable! How? How does it do that?"

"Yes," Jazz answered. "So we drive around when suddenly we saw smoke. Of course we go there to check it out and a hangar is on fire so we help out."

"Did I always have antennas on my head? Wicked!"

"The smoke smelled crazy, like crazy weird but we didn't give it much processing. I stayed outside getting people to safety and Ultra Magnus ran inside to get everybody else out."

"Hey Celine Dion! Your incinerator won't flush!"

"He did? Wow. What happened next?"

"Why do my feet taste like Rodimus' angst?"

"The big guy walks out of the hangar all like …" Jazz pointed at the Autobot Supreme Commander, "… this."

"Hey guys! When is the Polar Express coming? I want my pony back!"

Ratchet sighed. By the All-Spark! Earth was never boring, unfortunately.

"I tried asking the humans what the deal was but they were long gone. Any idea what is going on?"

"Well, I definitely can see why you decided to keep this a secret. It was the right thing to do. Good job."

"Thanks. So, what is it?"

"You see, human societies call these things "drugs". They are illegal for consumption because of certain damaging effects they have on the human body."

"Like what? And why would they take something like this knowing that it will damage them?"

"Like marijuana, which that smoke probably was. Oh, various reasons, mainly loneliness and escape of reality."

"But …"

"Kid, I can enlighten you more on the subject later but we got work to do and where did Ultra Magnus go?"

"Huh?"

"WEEEEEE!"

"WHERE IS ULTRA MAGNUS?"

"HOLY SLAG!"

"Wait! Did you just feel that?"

"Yes! He can't be too far away!"

"QUICKLY FOR THE LOVE OF CYBERTRON!"

The two Autobots transformed and quickly gave chase after the Supreme Commander, praying to Cybertron for this situation to be resolved as soon as possible. A few astroseconds later, they finally got to where they felt the vibrations and …

"What …"

"…the …"

"… slag …"

Ultra Magnus, the Supreme Autobot Commander that thousands of times proved himself to be one of the most powerful Cybertronians to ever exist -the giant that ended the great war with a triumphant Autobot victory; one of the most feared machines across the universe whose name alone struck fear in the sparks of Decepticons everywhere- he suspended himself off a highway bridge, eating balloons, crying, finger painting with garbage and singing "Caramell dansen".

"WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING BLITZWING? AND WHY IS HE SO DAMN TASTY?" Ultra Magnus interrupted himself shoving another load of balloons in his mouth.

Author's Notes:

Did you like that? I certainly hope you did, I feel so ... weird ... after writing these. I dunno why but it gives me great satisfaction that at the very least there is at least one person laughing at it (Thanks you C.M.D. for laughing and editing and reviewing!)

Tired? Want to stop reading? Want to go eat or sleep? Introducing a new product, Swindle's Un-Sleeping Pills! Side effects may include loss of brain function, turning you into a transformer, cause intense pregnancy from Starscream and birth of cute twins ... blah blah blah you are note even listening! FINE! GO get pregnant from Starscream ...

The rest is on C.M.D.'s profile, go check it out.