AN: so I realize that its been awhile since I updated… sorry for that. This chapter has been rewritten a few times because I didn't like the way it turned out. I kept some parts, because I had turned it really fucking mushy. Totally no Happy at all… It was frustrating to say the least. On another note, I've had this SOA story floating around in my Word Docs for awhile… so I thought I would upload it. Its called love, loss and life. Check it out and let me know what you think. It is completely the opposite from this one. Of course this is my main priority and I have a feeling that it may be coming to a close. Soon, but you never know with T because nothing is ever easy with her. Also please review so I know you guys are still reading this.
As for the people reading my Becoming a Killer story…. Its on hold. Mostly because my life is hectic and because I really want to finish this one because writing the two together is causing me to change the plot and the story to take on a whole new plot. Also because I have two jobs, a two and a half year old and a boyfriend… My life is hectic to say the least.
Just a kiss by lady antebellum is the song for this chapter…. Mostly because its my new favorite : )
T made no comment to the man standing in front of her, the man who currently still had some type of hold over her. She knew though as she watched him, that she held the same control over him. She loved him enough to let him go, to love him from afar because sometimes loving someone was about giving them what the needed, even if it wasn't you. Happy needed a stable charter, with his mother getting weaker and growing older he needed to be closer to her. He needed Charming, sure it was drama filled and going slowly to hell but there was where he needed to be and T felt that it was best to just let him go. It may become a decision, she would regret at times. Much like how living in Tacoma for so long, or never coming home was something she regretted at certain moments. Maybe regret was the wrong word, she didn't really regret anything as it made her who she was currently. Even though she had no clue as to she was. Figuring it out would come with time but it wasn't of up most importance currently. No, regret wasn't the word. She wasn't sure there is a word to describe what she felt about some of the choices she had made all she knew was that at certain times, she wished she could go back in time and change them. If only she had known then what she knew now, but that was part of growing up and becoming your own person. Learning to live with the choices we make. She looked up him, the man she had been in love and hate with for almost as long as she had known him. She studied his face, a face she would miss terribly in the months to come but that wasn't to worry about now. No she wanted to have one last night with him, one last fight and one last fuck because she knew as she watched him that this one last chance was all they had. There wouldn't be room for any more chances or mistakes between the two of them. No this was the last one, and she wanted to make it last for an eternity.
"Wanna go for a ride?" she asked.
-LK-
No one was really shocked at the words that spilled from her mouth. Sure T had always been one to hold a grudge, but Mac took notice of the pensive look upon her face as she stared at Happy. Mac could almost read the thoughts rotating through her mind. He knew, as he told everyone else that this one last chance to bring her back into the fold, belonged to Happy. No, that wasn't true either the last chance at bringing her into the fold was in T's hands and hers alone. Them coming was just mostly to be a reminder of home, of the people who loved and missed her. She would decide for herself as she always had. Mac had done enough watching to know that when T was around, no one was as in charge as they thought. No, T let them believe they were in charge but she was always three steps ahead. T deserved to have her own club, shit she deserved to be someone of the upmost power. She was smarter than most of the men in the club, she was crazier than the nomads or the SAA's, she was more analytical than the presidents and the enemies. T was a force to be reckoned with, but as Mac had watched her earlier and all through the time that she had been in his presence again, he knew that she was just as comfortable in this world as in theirs. She just held more a calm air, than a deadly one. She didn't seem any less peaceful though. In fact she seemed at peace, more calm than Mac had seen her be in a while. The deadly radiance she always had around her was dimmed, it was a light glow instead of the normal blinding light. It still followed her, she still gave off a don't cross me air. But she was more approachable, something he figured had to do with the fact that she was the boss and she needed to let her people know it was okay to talk to her. As Mac watched her walk out with Happy, he knew that this was the end to a new and unexpected beginning as the whole summer had been. No, as it had been since she stepped foot in Florida, had been a new start to something with an ending that wasn't yet written.
Mac looked around the porch, his eyes resting on Jay. Mac knew that look, it was a look of awe and love and million other things and the same look almost every man got on his face when looking at T. In that moment, a lot clicked for Mac and he realized than that if T and Jay would have been something instead of T and D a lot of shit would have been different. They still would of lost T, but it would have been to a different charter not a different life. It didn't matter now though, what was done was done and nothing but a time machine would change it. Something that was impossible and if Mac knew T at all, he knew that she wouldn't want to change things. She was the type of person who learned from her experiences. She took every mistake, every change, disappointment, happy moment and life altering event and owned up to it. It was just the way she was. She learned and lived for the change and the routine. She was wild, crazy and beautiful in every positive and negative way those three words could be used.
-LK-
Happy didn't say anything as he climbed into the truck beside T. HE sat quietly, smoking as she drove down the road. She turned left towards the out skirts of the farm instead of right towards town and where they came from. HE kept quiet as she drove along the bumpy road and when they started down a deserted back over grown road, he couldn't help but notice it was a place to bury bodies. He watched as she got out of the car and hopped on the tailgate in the same graceful way she did everything. As he climbed out and walked around, he kept his eyes on her. The fear that they may never get another moment like this, with them together regaurdless of how frail it was, made his head want to explode. The future in his drawing book seemed almost like a distant memory or like it had when he dreamt it. Something that was impossible for the reasons he always knew and never really wanted to admit, because after all hes a man.
He climbed up on the gate, his messed up knee slightly acting up only to remind him how old he really was. Something he never wanted to admit, deffiently not when he was with T. Their twelve year age gap, made him closer to 40 than the thirty she was approaching had always made him feel one of two things; extremely proud that he could keep up with her or worried about who would be with her when he was gone. Evenm though he knew this was the end of them, he couldn't push aside that the fact that anyone else with T would always piss him off. It didn't matter if it wouldn't constantly be infront of him because it would always be in the back of his mind and no one would ever amount to her, replace or matter as much as she did.
"ive never brought anyone here, not even Jonny. I didn't want to give up the only place that I found peace in. I thought you would appericate it as much as I do. And if I'm honest with myself, you are the only person I could ever imagine sharing it with." T said in a quiet voice.
Hap was taken a back by her statement, even though he knew that it was moments like this with too much alcohol and quiet surrounding the two that things got admitted. They shared more secrets in the dark, under a drunk haze than they ever had any other time. Her unsual comment made him do something unsual as well. He laid back slowly on the truck bed and intertwined his hand with hers. He had to admit, at least to himself that he had always cuddled with T. Something that was never ever done by him and the feeling was different. To him, it felt like the only time he could ever really protect her was in bed with his arms wrapped tightly around her. It was the only time she let her guard down enough for her to ever need protection.
-LK-
T looked down at her hand, tan from all the sun was darker than she was accustomed to but still not as a dark as him. The only thought passing through her mind was how badly it sucked to finally see the part of Happy she had always wanted to and of course it happened at the end. It made it harder for her to walk away, to let him go, and she hated how weak she felt in that moment. She knew, that in this moment if she expressed that to him he would hold her hand tighter. His silent way of telling her to not let go, to keep holding on to him but she couldn't. He deserved so much better than her, better than the life he was settling for as a nomad. He deserved happiness, family and to spend as much time with his mom as he could. No one understood the importance of time as well as she did. It wasn't something to be wasted any longer, it wasn't fair to run from her problems or hide behind a mask. Not that she would really change any of that, but here in this single moment with Happy's hand in hers she knew that she could. just knowing that to her was more important than the actual outcome of everything else. Knowing that for once in her life, she had actual options. Ones that she could live with, ones that she could choose from for herself. No one would push her on this, she couldn't help it. For once in all the time that she had been the caregiver, she was free to be selfish, to choose her own path and finally know that the mistakes were so much more worth living with than the what ifs.
It wouldn't matter what happened from here. It wouldn't matter if she never saw Happy again or if he ended up with someone else. The only thing that mattered was that she was doing what she felt was right. She was giving him the room and the freedom to be who he had always been. She pulled her hand free from his. She wasn't angry, she wasn't sad, in fact she felt nothing. She was empty knowing what would happen sooner than she had ever thought to realize. T couldn't help but wonder if she would always feel this way. If the emptiness would always be present in the absence of the man who currently held what she had left for her heart to give.
She didn't look at him when he nudged her, she couldn't. She didn't want to open up to him. She didn't want her feelings to be poured out in her expression or her words. She just wanted to go back to the farm and go to bed. She wanted to climb under her covers and never get back out… at least not until the sons were gone. She thought that letting go would be easy, that being a handful of states away would lessen his hold on her heart. She had hope, until he stood in front of her. Silently asking the one question she didn't really have an answer to and she never would. "is this really what you want?" Love is defined as any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection. T knew her affection for Happy was as strong as her heart would allow it to be. Like she had told Mac, months ago that no matter what she choose someone would end up hurt. That maybe all of them would end up hurt and so far they all had. T had hoped that waiting it out would make it easier, Koz had moved on and was having a baby. D was in Florida and happy and most importantly to T, still himself. Now she was about to pull the final block and she knew that the whole building would come tumbling down on her and in the process it would take her heart. Happy would drive off this farm, out of this town and to the other side of country with it. She had given it to him long ago and only realized it a couple months ago.
The worst part for T was facing the realization that she was once again giving up on the only dream she has kept since she first stepped foot in the Tacoma club house. She was giving up her chance at being an Old lady, giving up her chance at the tattoo just when she would actually be able to get a crow. She was giving up every single picture she saw in Hap's drawing book. She felt her anger rise, not at Happy or at life or anyone else for that matter, except for herself. She was angry at herself. She didn't have to do this, she didn't have to keep the farm, or give up Happy. In fact she could do both. She could live in Charming with him, have someone else run the farm and come down and check on it every month or so.
T slammed her hand against the bed of the truck as she rolled on her side away from Hap. "No!" she mentally scolded herself. She had already decided. She had made her mind up, she was going to let Happy walk away. She is going to run the family farm and take care of her dad until he passed away. She owed it to him and to her mom. She owed it to herself, she needed to be where she belonged. But the little voice in her head just wouldn't shut up. It just kept asking, "Are you sure this is where you belong?"
-LK-
Happy felt T pull her hand from his. He expected to feel anger, frustration or even maybe some sadness. Except he felt nothing but shock. He knew what was going to happen. He knew that she had already decided to stay or at least to give him up. He could tell, for someone who always got what he want, Happy knew that this time he had no control. Something that the killer part of him didn't like at all. HE was always in control, always had been at least in everything that didn't involve T. Happy stared at her, he could tell that she was trying her hardest to not look at him. He realized than, that she wasn't happy. She was resolved, she was just doing what she thought was best for all parties involved not including herself.
Happy looked away from her, it hit a nerve watching her fight herself. He knew that she was trying to find the strength to give it all up. To walk away, something he thought would have been easy for her having spent so much time away from him lately and because of the mistakes he kept making during their whole relationship. He had fucked up so many times but he knew that she wouldn't blame any of it on him. She would shoulder a guilt that wasn't hers to carry. Something Mac had said to him on the way down was stuck in his head.
"she will leave you because she feels that you deserve better. She will leave you because she will feel like she is doing the right thing for you by doing so. This is 99% about her and 1% about you. You just have to know, that it wont be easy for her to walk away, to end it. No matter how she acts. Without you, she will be a shell of herself. She will be empty and lost but she will live with it. As long as she knows that you will settle back down in a charter, one that's close to your mom. You will have family, the one thing she believes you want more than anything. She is blind to the fact that your family will not be complete without you. She knows that you want to be with her, give her your crow and to have babies but she probably feels that she is your weakness and she isn't okay with you having a weakness. It defiantly will not settle well knowing that she would be your weakness. That would kill her more."
Happy whipped his head to the side when he heard and felt the bang of what he assumed was T's fist on the truck bed. He started at her back, he could see the rise and fall of it. He couldn't decide if she was that mad or if she was crying. Throwing all caution to the wind, Hap rolled on his side and pulled her to him. He slide his hand up she shirt and rubbed her rib cage. He leaned down and kissed her neck softly before whispering " this is where I would put my crow. This is where my name, would go. I get what your doing babe. I know that you feel like your doing whats best for everyone but I promise you that we could make it work. Charming and Tacoma are not that far apart, you could still make the trip to see Ana, Junior and the girls whenever you want too. They could all come and stay at our house in Charming. I know theres a lot of drama down there. I know you don't agree with Clay, that you hate Tig and that you might kill Jax's bitch but we would be together. We could have everything that we both want. Don't decide now, don't say anything. Just let it all sink in, think about it and let me know. You have my number, you know how to get a hold of me. I can wait because even if you don't believe it you are worth it."
-LK-
T didn't say anything to Happy's speech, she didn't know what to say. She couldn't just leave her dad or the farm. It was something that meant the world to her momma. It was the only good memory of her momma she had really. The only time that she could recall them living like a normal family. All those memories happened on the farm. Of course there was plenty of bad memories as well. T shook her head, she wasn't going to do this. She had made her choice, she wouldn't leave her dad when he needed her the most. Not this time.
T climbed off the truck bed, and walked towards the cab.
"Lets go Hap, it was a bad idea to come out here." She said in a monotone.
She opened the door, only for it to be slammed closed. She didn't turn around to face him right away. She took a deep breath before turning towards him. She regretted it almost imedateily, as the minute she faced him his lips crashed down on hers. She pulled him close, kissing him harder. She wanted this, she craved this and yet she was giving it all up for the good of everyone involved. It was just one of those things… she would never know if she was doing the right thing, she would always feel like she was missing something and she might spend the rest of her life a lonely old lady who ran her families farm but she needed to do this. All of her options were laid out and she had choose her course. There was nothing left to do but enjoy this last kiss on her lips in the moon light.
Happy pulled her closer to him, his hands roaming everywhere. T couldn't help it, she pushed him away.
"No. " she replied in the firmest voice she could muster.
She knew that she had caught Hap off guard with her words, but she could also tell that he knew stopping was the last thing she wanted to do. The passion was laced in her voice, in her posture and her head was filled with thoughts of running her tounge everywhere along this body. But she wasn't going to do this. She wouldn't let the sexual attraction she had always felt for him could her judgement in the moment that she needed it the most.
"This is the end Happy. Its time to move on."
-LK-
T didn't give him a chance to do anything, she already had the door open and was inside the truck before Happy could catch her. He stood outside the truck for a moment before climbing inside. He didn't really want to get left in the middle of fucking no where, in a small ass little town and admit defeat. But he did know that they had already over stayed whatever welcome T had provided after they had all shown up unexpectedly on her door step. He was serious about what he had told her and he didn't figure that he would ever settle down with anyone else. He was sure that keeping the faith his momma always talked about would get him nowhere but after having been with T, he knew that no other woman would ever fill her shoes. No one could ever be compared to her and no one would ever satisfy all parts of him as she did.
Happy climbed out of the truck when they pulled up, he didn't say shit to T and he didn't go in the house. He walked over to the bikes. He noticed that Mac and Jonny's were still present but he didn't care. He climbed on and drove off. He had only one destination in mind, a quiet little area where he could smoke and think. He didn't care that he was on some other clubs land, in fact he hoped that someone would try him. He wanted a fight. His mind was racing as he pulled into a little park that was on a lake. He didn't even notice the bike on the other side of the lot.
-LK-
Seth hadn't been able to sleep, seeing Tay dressed the way she used to was burned into his brain. All he could think about was her. He wondered how long the Sons would be in town for, he wondered if they would convince her to go back. He wondered which one had stolen her heart. So he went for a ride. He wasn't surprised where he ended up, because the truth was that he ended up there a lot. Not even always when he was thinking about her. It might sound stupid and he would never admit but he felt like just being there made him closer to her. That he could hear the words she would say to him, the advice she give him, the blow job or sex to get his mind off of it. Tay had always been so intune to his feelings that it creeped him out and gave him satisfaction all at once.
Seth looked towards the lot at the sound of the motorcycle. He was expecting one of his guys, not the unknown biker. He knew than that he had to be the one that was with her, the one that loved her and that she loved in return. He stared at the man, he was Seths opposite in every way possible. But Seth could see some resemblance. The way the anger rolled off of him, the way the man carried himself with all confidence. Seth had a feeling that this guy, had to be the one who fought with her, made love to her and fucked her all at once. Just the way that he had years ago. He wasn't at all surprised that T still loved it that way, Seth could still remember the way a fight made her more wet. The way after a fight she would scream louder, cum faster and that she was more willing to do whatever he wanted her to. Tay had always had a dominant side, but in the bedroom, the car, the ground at this very park she wanted to see his dominance. She wanted to know that Seth could own her at moment. That was important to her, that turned her on and Seth was that was what had kept her around for as long as she had been. Threats had never meant much to her, after all why should they when her cousin was the president of one of the most crazy MC clubs?
Seth watched the guy as he approached and realized that he didn't even notice him yet. Seth lit another cigarette and stared at the biker, who took tow more steps before noticing him.
"She tell you about this place?" Seth asked
It took him a moment to answer. "Nope, never mentioned you either until after her trip down her his summer." He replied.
Seth nodded once before replying "Doesn't surprise me. She has always been… private."
The other man didn't make a reply, instead choosing to sit on the edge of the picnic bench. Seth kept his place of leaning against the fence. The very fence he had slammed Tay into the last time they had fucked. That memory was so fresh that he could almost smell the sex. He loved the way she smelled, he loved how her pussy never smelled and he couldn't help it he loved to stick his face in it. Something he hadn't done to a woman since her.
Seth smoked another cigarette before standing up right. He looked at the other man for a moment before walking past him and towards his bike. When he was almost there he turned around, Seth didn't know why he was doing this but he had been where that man was.
"She's all around this place. It never gets easier… Shes like a nightmare and a dream all rolled into one. You never forget her no matter how hard you try. And she haunts you. Everywhere I go, I see her. Every bitch I fuck, I see her. When you really love her…. She doesn't just disappear no matter how hard she tries. She stays with you. You just… learn to deal with it."
Seth didn't say anymore as he climbed on his bike. He didn't look back as he drove off and he didn't wonder what the biker guy was thinking after he said that. Instead he forgot all about the man, the lake and Tay and headed home. His son was lying in his bed, sound asleep and Seth wanted nothing more but to go home and go to sleep as well.
-LK-
Jonny and Mac both looked towards the door when they heard it open. T walked in alone with her face completely void of emotion. Jonny walked towards her, slowly. He didn't know what happened while they were out there but Hap was no where to be found… at least until he heard the roar of an engine.
"I didn't kill him, he didn't kill me. We didn't fight or anything at all. Look go visit my dad tomorrow than I want you guys gone. All of you. The kids got school. The girls got work and you guys got a shop to run. I want you off my farm by no later than after dinner tomorrow. "
Jonny stared at his cousin as she said that. She didn't give him a chance to reply but instead of headed for the stairs.
"This was such a bad fucking idea. I wonder what the fuck happened while they were out there for her to tell us to leave already?" Jonny asked Mac.
Mac just laughed. "She didn't want us here in the first place. The fact that shes even letting us stay a night is a huge shocker in its self. I figured she would of just sent us right back but hey in the end it was all worth a try. From here on out we just got to let her make her own decisions. She will eventually choose the right path and we just need to keep our arms open and welcoming for whenever she decides to come back. "
Jonny just nodded because after all, what did he expect from her? Nothing was every easy with T….
-LK-