Chapter 1: Staring problem

She had found him, for lack of a better word, amusing. He was like a kid, he was a kid. Sometimes, from afar, she could enjoy the antics of children, but up close they soon became annoying. Zach's crush would have been considered cute by anyone else, but Kalinda did not do cute. She did not like cute, she had no need for cute. Cute could fuck off for all she cared. Being the object of his affection did not interest her nor did she want him to think of her as a friend. She was done with friends. Moreover, she had no desire to ever be, or even act like, a mother; it simply wasn't in her nature. There was absolutely nothing she wanted from him, except to be left alone.

'It seems you still have that staring problem,' she whispered out of the corner of her mouth. They were in the back of the living room and the others were a safe distance away. Out of hearing distance anyway, but she did not want to run the risk of embarrassing him by having someone overhear her. A blush developed on his face and he looked at her with those wide and innocent eyes. It felt like she was standing in the middle of the road and the glaring headlights of a truck coming towards here were blinding her. Or she was about to perform on stage and the big spotlight was trained on her, but she could not remember her lines or her dance routine or whatever. It was simply unacceptable that a teenage boy could make her experience this sort of unpleasantness. She was not road kill or a pathetic Idols wannabe. She was Kalinda.

'What?' he whispered back. His whisper was far less inconspicuous than hers had been, mostly because he was trying so hard to appear inconspicuous. The only thing missing was nonchalant whistling. She rolled her eyes, but made sure he couldn't see it and sighed. Whatever ideas he was entertaining, they needed to be shut down right now. Sipping her wine, she glanced at Will, Diane, Eli and Alicia, who were seated on the couch and surrounding chairs. Grace was in the kitchen. Good.

'I'm sure you're a nice boy, but you need to stop staring at me,' she answered matter-of-factly and perhaps a bit louder than necessary. She was attempting to strike a balance between being clear and being nice and despite the delicacy of this particular attitude she was largely successful. Still, she could not help but be concerned. Under no circumstances did she want him to mention her to his mother. Whether he would say she had been mean to him or nice hardly mattered. Kalinda did not want to upset or hurt Alicia any more than she already had.

Perhaps she should have ignored it and not said anything, but she had felt his eyes follow her through the room. It had been like this the one time she had been over at Alicia's house, but things had been better then. Being subjected to his intense gaze a second time, after everything that had happened between her and Alicia, she discovered she was no longer amused. The feeling of being constantly watched was setting her teeth on edge.

Alicia and Kalinda had worked through their issues and they were on friendly terms again. Yet, they both knew they would never go back to being friends. What they had now was fragile and tentative at best and truth be told they had been unable to regain the trust that had been lost. At work there were no problems and occasionally Kalinda would catch Alicia smiling at something she had said, but the fact that Alicia never allowed herself to be openly amused at one of Kalinda's offhand but scathing comments spoke volumes.

They were working on a case right now and the pressure was showing on all of them. The news was on and they were all watching it, which accounted for the fact that no one had heard the little exchange taking place between Kalinda and Zach. Security footage was shown of their client leaving the site where her children were murdered and though the images were grainy they could all see the blood on her coat.

'Damn!' Will said and Diane shook her head. One minute they had been having a small celebration because of Alicia's promotion and next their case was quite possibly in ruins. Eli calmly sipped his wine and remarked, in that sardonic manner that Kalinda admired, 'You've got to love the media. How did they even get a hold of that tape?'

A quick glance between Will and Alicia did not escape Kalinda's notice, but she pretended not to have seen it. It was on all their minds, but nobody said it. This was not only because Zach and Grace were present; though that had something to do with it. Alicia was always trying to protect them. Nonetheless, they were smart kids. They had undoubtedly noticed their father's proclivity to pursue suspects with Lockhart/Gardner/Gold lawyers just a little bit harder than clients of other firms. Kalinda had known from the beginning that Peter was a dangerous man, but somehow she had not expected him to be this petty.

Then again, why shouldn't he be? Will and Alicia had been caught spending the night in a hotel room around the same time Peter finally became State Attorney. The media had milked it for all it was worth and Peter had been the most damaged by the scandal, because it soon became clear that Alicia had left him for good reasons. Kalinda's name was never mentioned, not even the other one, and she was grateful for that. To Peter's frustration Alicia had managed to forgive Kalinda but not him. To top it off, Eli joined Lockhart/Gardner, becoming a senior partner pretty soon afterwards. Kalinda had been present when Eli had told Peter in no uncertain terms that if Alicia ever wanted to run for governor he would gladly be her campaign manager, but he refused to be Peter's again.

So, Peter, aided by Cary, had come down hard on Lockhart/Gardner clients. They lost business because of that in the beginning. However, Cary had soon tired of the game and had left for greener pastures when receiving a lucrative job offer from a big firm. Peter's bias was so obvious that judges started to side with Lockhart/Gardner and there was a moment when Peter was almost forced to resign. He had recovered miraculously and since then his petty games had been of a subtler nature. Still, the chance of Peter being re-elected in this year's election were slim to none.

Kalinda shook herself visibly. It would not do to appear distracted if Will or Diana asked her to investigate something right now. This was hardly the time and place to dwell on the past. She was itching for something to do and pinched herself violently to stay alert. Zach was the only one who seemed to have noticed, but his gaze never wavered far from her. Will, Diane and Alicia were debating the case. Will and Alicia sat next to each other on the couch and Diane, looking regal, occupied a single cushioned chair. Eli had returned to the kitchen and was chatting with Grace. Kalinda could just hear enough to discern that their conversation was centred on religion. For some reason Grace was very interested in religion; she had been severely disappointed when Kalinda had confessed to her during dinner that she was not a Muslim.

Zach was attempting a casual pose against the doorpost. While Kalinda ignored him, she listened to Eli's laughter. She sometimes wondered what it would be like to sleep with Eli. From what she knew of him he seemed a lot like her, but perhaps that was rather more a con than a pro. When she looked over she saw Zach was still staring at her. It was more than annoying, it was unnerving. Her fingers tightened around the glass she was holding.

'Stop it,' she hissed and his composure crumbled. However, he recovered quickly, nodded at her and went over to Alicia. They exchanged a few words and Kalinda was relieved when neither of them glanced at her. He kissed Alicia on her cheek, grabbed his coat and said goodbye to the guests. Shrugging into his long, brown coat he opened the door already, but he paused in the doorway. It was as if he couldn't stop himself. Or as if he didn't want to stop himself. His gaze lingered on Kalinda for a few seconds before he tipped his hat at her. Except he didn't have a hat on to tip at her. The gesture was oddly moving. Then he stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him. The sound of the door closing had an interesting effect on Kalinda. She immediately felt more at ease, but somewhere deep inside her she felt a tinge of regret too.

It was a ridiculous feeling and Kalinda couldn't remember the last time she had felt ridiculous or someone managed to make her feel ridiculous. After some careful consideration, she did. When Cary had said she should have told Alicia about Peter, but Cary was long gone. And before that, Zach, the way he had looked at her the only other time they met. The first time. Well, here goes. To not feeling ridiculous for another four years, she thought and drained her glass.

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The story title and chapter titles are song titles from No Doubt.