Chapter 5: Don't speak

The walk to her apartment took them ten minutes. They were silent throughout. Kalinda's mind, however, would not keep quiet. Thoughts were tumbling over one another. If someone had asked her why Zach was walking her home she would have been hard pressed to come up with an explanation. If, on the other hand, someone had asked for a reason she would have been able to provide one: attraction. It was a reason, but not an explanation. After all, she intended to sleep with him and she didn't sleep with everyone whom she found attractive. She had never tried to sleep with Eli, though she admired him and his sex appeal was not lost on her. Neither would she sleep with Will or Diana, if she had regarded them in that manner. They were her bosses and thus not viable lovers.

Outside the bar Zach had closed his umbrella again when he saw she enjoyed the rain. She could not claim to have accepted his company for the sake of the umbrella. It would have been a feat to get thoroughly soaked anyway; the rain was hardly pouring down. It would have required a minimum of an hour outside to let this drizzle seep through her clothes. Neither was she drunk. How could she be after only one shot of tequila?

As much as she wanted to pretend that thinking had not been a part of it, it had. She had asked herself what she was doing and why. Second after second followed during which she could have said something or done something to stop what was about to happen. Her life was on the verge of turning into a soap opera. A lifetime ago she had slept with Peter and now she would sleep with his son, but the situation could not be more different. The sex with Peter had been a business transaction; he wanted to sleep with her, she wanted another identity. Suddenly, Kalinda found herself assuming things about Zach. For example, despite him being almost a complete stranger to her she could not imagine sex ever being an impersonal exchange to him.

'Walk me to my door?'

At her suggestion he smiled brightly and held the door open for her. It made her feel horrible. Around him she felt ridiculous and ashamed and horrible and it wasn't his fault. She knew it was completely unintentional on his part. The things he did do on purpose were intended to make her laugh and to make her feel comfortable and he succeeded marvellously in that.

In the elevator they stood apart as if they weren't together. Zach gestured for her to exit first and he followed her to the door. She got the key out of her pocket and opened the door. Adorably, he said goodnight and it was obvious he allowed for the possibility that he had misread the signs. If she had said goodnight in return he would have turned around and that would have been the end of it.

Instead she opened the door and lingered in the doorway. An endless moment stretched out before them. It was the sort of moment Kalinda abhorred. The awkward moment before the first kiss where both tried to gauge whether the other person wanted to be kissed. These moments had not been a part of Kalinda's life, not even when she was a teenager. She had always thought it was best to be direct. Since she knew what she wanted she said what she wanted or she took what she wanted. It prevented misunderstandings.

Realisation dawned on his face as she waited. Even then he took his time setting the umbrella down and leaning in very slowly to give her every opportunity to stop him. Somehow she couldn't stop him. The truth was she that didn't want to. His lips were soft, almost like a woman's. He cupped her face and gently pressed his lips firmly to hers. It wasn't long before his hands slipped to her waist and he drew her closer. The tenderness was starting to upset her and so was the fact that they were still standing in the doorway.

Roughly, she pulled him inside by the lapels of his coat and kicked the door shut with her boot. Zach seemed ready to resume his slow kissing, but Kalinda quickly helped him out of his coat and pushed him against the door. When she peeled off his sweater she was pleased to discover that underneath he was surprisingly muscular. Lean and fit. His skin was very pale and the slightest touch caused it to flush pink. Her mouth found his again and he moaned as she began to unbuckle his belt. He caught her hands and held them back.

'Kalinda...' he breathed.

'Shh. Call me Leela,' she whispered in his ear and she licked the lobe. This almost brought it all back. She had been Leela with his father. His father had made Leela disappear. Alicia was no longer her friend, because of Leela. Zach's fingers were still curled around her wrists, but she was standing so close that she could feel the tight bulge in his trousers forming against her hip. That forced her back into the moment.

'Why?' he asked. The single word was fraught with meaning. Why me? Why now? What has changed? Why are you making sure I cannot kiss you the way I want to kiss you? Why can't I tell you how I feel? Why can't I say your name? Why must I call you Leela? It was easier to imagine he meant only one thing, so that was that she did.

'Because I tell you to.'

Deliberately, she rubbed her hip lazily against the impressive bulge, which caused him to moan again. Leaning back, he let go off her wrists and Kalinda undid his belt. She threw it aside and unzipped his trousers while looking into his eyes. When he understood that it was her intention to fuck in the exact same spot they were standing he shook his head almost imperceptibly. He pushed her away, forcibly but not unkindly. He surveyed her apartment as if he were not half naked and took her hand. The feeling of her hand in his in that moment felt somehow more intimate than when they had been pressed against each other seconds ago.

They walked to her bedroom, with her leading, despite her aims to keep their encounter quick and raw and out of the bedroom. She would have preferred to have sex standing up against the door, so she could discard him easily afterwards. As he motioned for her to sit down on the bed though, she thought this might be fun too. It would have been highly enjoyable to demand he undress, as well as adding to her necessity to be in control, but there was no need. At his own pace he started to take off his remaining clothes.

First his left shoe, then his right shoe. After that he tugged at his socks. It was interesting to watch him. His balance on one leg was admirable and she could not detect one shred of self consciousness in him, though he occasionally looked at her and was aware she was following his every move. Without a blush he stepped out of his trousers and pulled down his boxers. Zach was not shy about his body – nor should he be – or if he was he hid it pretty well.

Sitting on the bed, she unzipped her boots and took them off. He seemed suddenly even taller as she approached him on bare feet. Her hands immediately reached out, but he redirected them to his neck and gathered her to him. Their kisses were feverish as her hands wandered down. He was so responsive to her touches that she briefly entertained the terrible notion that he might still be a virgin. That would hardly have been possible unless every girl in Chicago was either blind or immune to his charms. Then his strong hands slipped under her top and he proceeded to expertly unclasp her bra and the thought of his inexperience vanished. His fingers were long and slender and they stroked her back in the most delicious manner.

As he took off her clothes he insisted on draping them carefully over the nearest chair, instead of just leaving them strewn everywhere as she would have done. When they were both naked he sighed with pleasure as if he couldn't believe his luck. His face expressed better than any words could have done how beautiful he thought she was. She caught his hand and guided him towards the bed. Again she waited. He took her into his arms and laid her down. His lips explored her neck and the warm kisses flooded her with desire. Her body betrayed her as she gasped and trembled under his tongue. From that moment onwards she truly ceased thinking.

(***)

Afterwards, instead of sending him away as she would have done with almost any other casual lover, she relished the feel of him lying next to her. His right arm was around her and her naked shoulder brushed against his chest. Their skin was hot and sweaty. Zach's presence inspired contradictory emotions in her, mostly because she knew herself. Had he known her he would have been aware that the two of them could only end. This wasn't the beginning of anything. He had been honest to her and she had attempted to be as truthful as possible in return. Now, however, by sleeping with him she had lied to him. When they met it would have been better to shake his hand and say, 'I'm about to screw you over.' At least that would have been honest.