Chapter 6: Happy now?
The next morning Kalinda was startled to discover Zach had slept over. However, he was looking at her through his long eyelashes, so she masked her surprise with a lazy yawn. They were both covered by her thick Egyptian cotton sheets. She didn't even remember slipping under the covers, which meant he must have tucked her in. Her exasperation over the whole situation was getting worse by the second. The sex had been good; he was obviously experienced, la-di-fucking-da.
Last night, he had railroaded her every step of the way. She had wanted to fuck against the door. That sent a message that was crystal clear: this is just lust and absolutely nothing more. Instead he had taken her hand and they had sex in the bedroom. She had wanted to be in control, to tell him what to do, but he never gave her the chance. She had told him to call her Leela. Now she knew why. To cheapen what they were about to do. To make her think of Peter and Alicia and what she had done. However, for the remainder of the night he had not called her by any name.
Now in the morning, he was still there, staring at her. It was imperative that she told him exactly what last night meant: nothing. There were things she needed to feel at that moment, but she couldn't summon them. When Zach looked at her like that it was impossible to feel removed or clinical. Instead she found herself wondering about morning wood. Didn't men his age have this? This is the part where I giggle, she thought, and then I can sink no lower. What had she done?
'Why did I have to call you Leela?' he asked. His hands were shaped like pianist's hands; they were graceful and almost delicate. Again, like his lips, they reminded her of a woman. His fingers stroked her arm. They were very pale against her brown skin. She shook them off, despite the fact that she liked it when he touched her.
'I told you,' she snapped. Why couldn't he listen? Every word out of her mouth had been a rejection; yet, he had kept coming back for more, until he had worn her down. That was bullshit and she knew it was. Angrily, she threw off the sheets and started to dress.
'No, I mean, why that name? Why Leela?'
As she buttoned her blouse, she turned towards the bed. She cocked her head and looked at him. Maybe a glimpse was in order. Either because he deserved it, or because he needed to be scared away; Kalinda couldn't decide what was the reason. It was clear that he needed to know more about her, so he would understand that whatever he had in mind for the two of them wasn't going to happen. Still, she felt very uncomfortable disclosing personal information, no matter how vague.
'Because she is the kind of person, who would do this,' she answered coldly. Well, that was very convenient. Kalinda had not slept with Zach, Leela had. Leela was always making mistakes like that, because she had so very little control over her own life. Leela was pathetic; Kalinda despised Leela. Zach regarded her and she could almost imagine he understood what she meant. Ridiculous, she told herself, as she put on her skirt.
'What is this? Sleeping with me? Falling in love with me?' Zach queried, but Kalinda didn't dignify that question with an answer. Using him, instead of making her feel better, had only made her feel worse. Suddenly she wanted to tell him what she had done. Why Alicia and she were no longer friends. That she was the reason his mother and father were not together anymore. That she had slept with his father. Except she wouldn't be PG about it: she would say she had fucked Peter. She imagined asking him whether he still liked her now that he really knew her. But then she looked at his face and she simply couldn't. But this couldn't continue either. She was hurting him and herself and if this got out a lot more people would be hurt.
'You're trying to make this into something it's not,' she said as she retrieved her boots. He reached out for her and she let him take her hand. His thumb traced circles across her palm.
'It could be.'
'But I don't want it to,' she answered and she extricated her hand from his grip. The sad look in his eyes was like that of a puppy. Strangely, Kalinda discovered the look affected her. As a sort of parting gift, she kneeled beside the bed and slipped her left hand under the sheets, but he grabbed her wrist.
'No,' he said. Instead of listening and respecting his opinion, Kalinda smiled sexily and tried to slide her left hand towards him. Without hesitation he grabbed her other wrist too. His face was flushed, but not in embarrassment. He looked insulted. Good, she thought, be angry. Hate me. The force of his fingers was painful, but Kalinda remained inscrutable.
'I said no. Not like that,' he repeated and he looked into her eyes. They were interrupted by a knock on the door. She closed the door of the bedroom, before answering the door. It was Cary. It took some restraint but she resisted the urge to step into the hallway and close the door of the apartment behind her. That would arouse his suspicion and she didn't want Cary digging into her personal life.
'Mr. Agos. To what do I owe this honour?' she said and he chuckled. The boyish and mischievous charm was still there, despite him being over thirty. He looked almost exactly the same as when she had last seen him. That must have been at least three years ago. He picked up something and handed it to her. With a shock she identified Zach's umbrella, but she accepted the umbrella without batting an eye and deposited it on the side table just inside her apartment.
'It's Mr. Agos now, is it? If you're free, would you like to have lunch with me this afternoon?' he asked. She was unsure whether Zach would wait until her visitor had left before showing himself. Otherwise he could come out of the bedroom at any moment. Contrary to Cary, Zach had changed; he was a far cry from the boy he had been. The question was: would Cary recognise him? Kalinda decided she couldn't take that chance, so she quickly acquiesced to meet him for lunch before telling him she needed to get ready for another appointment.
'Is the coast clear?' Zach asked from the bedroom when she closed the door. She answered and he emerged, fully dressed, into the living room. There were no signs to detect to establish how he felt about being kept hidden like a dirty, little secret. As he approached her she flashed back to how she had practically torn off his sweater the night before. He paused in front of her and seemed about to say something.
'Are you happy now?' he whispered. Instead of waiting for her answer he took his umbrella and his coat and left. Neither said goodbye.
(***)
During lunch Cary explained that he might move back to Chicago, because Wendy Scott-Carr had asked him to come and work for the State's Attorney Office again. He had decided that if she won the election he would accept her offer.
'I really enjoyed working there, even when Peter was in charge, and I respect Wendy. She'll be better for the county than Glenn or Peter were,' Cary told her, before adding with a self-deprecating smile, 'I'm sure my illusions about her won't stay intact for long.'
Kalinda smiled, but her smile was undefined and her thoughts were elsewhere. She failed to notice the hurt flash across his face as he observed her. In an effort to gain her attention he asked her whether she had received his postcard. That did the trick.
'That was yours?' Kalinda asked and she couldn't keep the amazement out of her voice. Cary grinned and nodded.
'Yes. Did it surprise you?'
'The wording did,' she admitted honestly.
'Ah, what an accomplishment. I must be the first person ever to surprise Kalinda Sharma,' Cary joked and he explained he had only realised afterwards that he had neglected to sign it. After confessing that he had wanted to bring a smile to her face with the postcard, which Kalinda assured him he had done, he regaled her with tales of big cases he had won for his soon-to-be former firm. Her concentration started to wane again.
In the last few weeks she had surprised herself. Zach had surprised her. She shook her head and masked the movement with a cough when Cary looked at her in confusion. Urging him to continue his description of a biased judge, she kept her features neutral. It was pointless to wonder whether she had developed feelings for Zach. It was irrelevant. She could not date an eighteen year old. She could not date Alicia's son. He was supposed to have been just a bit of fun: a little something refreshing.
She knew she would encounter Zach again. Alicia was in her professional life after all. That was why she couldn't care. She couldn't afford to pretend to care, even if she might just want him. Even if she did care. Was she happy now? No.
The end.