Chapter 8
Dark blue stretched all around him.
He was weightless. His limbs lay limp, floating by his side, swaying gently. He was falling. The light rippling on the surface was moving farther away. He sank, deeper and deeper until the darkness covered him. Pitch black. Nothing.
He couldn't see.
He couldn't hear.
He couldn't breathe.
He couldn't move.
He couldn't be.
Somebody…somebody help me…please…
Then he saw it.
A hand.
It pierced the dark cloud, exposing a white shining arm, an ethereal heaven-sent appendage.
Reach for it.
Come on.
No.
It was getting further away.
No.
No.
"NO!" He shot up instantly, eyes wide open, and hands clutching the blanket that pooled around his waist. He searched around frantically but saw that he was in his room, panting for air on his bed, as if drowning just moments before. His shirt was drenched in sweat, and he turned to the dresser to check the time. It was early in the morning, far too early really. He rubbed his forehead, feeling his heartbeat settle into a steady throb. He was no expert on dreams, but a dream of drowning was never a good sign. There was no way he could go back to sleep now. He swung his legs over and felt the carpet with his bare feet. He scrunched his toes, feeling the rough texture between them.
The door suddenly opened. It was Kairi.
"You're up," she stated.
He stared at her. She was completely different now. The Kairi that he once knew was no more, replaced with a more mature and intimidating model. Maybe that was the problem, maybe he spent too much time dealing with fanciful concepts of the woman, idealized versions fashioned from biased memories instead of actually confronting the real thing. The Kairi in his head had never let him down. She would stay by his side; tend to his every wound, to his every problem, and to his every wish.
Run, run, and run away was all he ever did, mentally and physically. He couldn't deal with the real Kairi. He couldn't deal with the possibility that Kairi was not who he thought she was, the possibility that she hated him, the possibility that she pitied him, or the possibility that she just didn't care about him.
She was here though, by his doorway, dressed comfortably, ready to go out for the day. She wore a sleeveless blouse that narrowed around the waist, billowing out in small frills, and a pair of blue jeans.
"Get ready," she ordered. She closed the door after her simple warning, leaving him anxious and keenly aware of how plushy his carpet felt. He got up and went through his usual morning routine. It was as if he slipped through time, falling into the easy rhythm of getting ready for school all over again. He went into the bathroom to shower, brush his teeth, and change his clothes. He stumbled down the stairs until he stopped in front of the dining room door. He should give himself some credit, the old Sora would've never gone through that door willingly; then again, the old Sora still had hope. He opened it.
Kairi sat at the table, eating the breakfast his mom cooked.
"Good morning Sora," his mom greeted pleasantly.
"Good morning to you too," he answered back. He walked over to the table and took a seat as a plate of breakfast was put before him. It was toast with eggs, sausage links, and muffins. He took his fork and stabbed the link, putting it in his mouth, and taking a bite. It tasted good.
"Thank you Ms. Hikari," Kairi said gratefully, pushing an empty plate forward.
"You're welcome," the mom replied, taking the plate to the sink.
The auburn woman settled her attention on Sora, unsettling him in turn. "Are you going to hurry up or not?" He barely took his first bite and she was already breathing down his neck.
"I'll try."
She rapped the table with her fingers impatiently. "Try harder."
"Believe me, I try," he said again.
"If you got time to be playing games…" she warned.
"Yes, yes, sorry. Eating faster now." She was more pissed off than usual, but he probably wasn't doing himself any favors by acting all skittish.
After a breakfast he couldn't enjoy, courtesy of Kairi's supervision, they left the house.
"Goodbye Ms. Hikari."
"Later mom."
Kairi led the way to her car parked in the driveway. It was a shiny white sedan with all the proper trimmings to qualify as "luxurious." Nice to see that some things hadn't changed, the mayor still spoiled his daughter senseless. He gave a low whistle. "Nice ride," he hummed, admiring its sleek design. He should probably get one for himself, he could afford it after all, but it wasn't like he had anywhere to go. Thank god for Twilight Town's comprehensive transit system.
"Just get in the car," she ordered. Couldn't she just accept the compliment graciously?
He followed her directive and got in the passenger-side seat. The chair was comfortable, the svelte material molding with his body as he leaned back. As soon as he put on the seat belt, he lurched forward, almost smashing his face against the glove compartment. Kairi backed up hard, with all the grace of a fugitive running away from the cops. "Dammit Kairi!"
She gave him a sidelong glance that dared him to say another word. He wisely kept his mouth shut. The ride continued in a deathly silence. No radio, no music, and no talk. She was quite determined to make the ride as torturous as possible. He could easily break the silence, but he didn't want to push it. If anything, he'd let her make the first move.
They finally pulled into a rectangle lot that sat in front of a long line of small businesses. She parked the car in front of a shop called "Magical Tailor," turned the engine off, and got out. Sora followed her.
The morning sun was just rising, blanketing the island in a warm orange tint, and small wispy clouds streaked across the sky. The streets around them were fairly empty since most businesses were just opening. "Magical Tailor" was part of a long building with multiple storefronts that ran the length of a block. Next to "Magical Tailor" was an arcade, and on the other side was a pharmacy. Kairi walked to the door and held it open, "Hurry up."
He complied. The glass door closed behind them, followed by the sound of a small bell that signaled their arrival. Racks filled with plastic-wrapped suits and dresses ran along the walls. A plump old lady, clad in a purple dress, appeared from behind the counter.
"Kairi, so nice to see you!" she greeted warmly. She quickly recognized Sora. "Oh my! It really is you!"
"Hello Ms. Fairy, how are you today?" he acknowledged.
"Just fine, much better now that you're here. You're so grown up!" she cooed. Sora gave an embarrassed grin. He always liked Ms. Fairy, she was like the nice aunt he never had, but like all aunts, they tend to fuss a lot. She pinched his cheek and patted him on the head. "Follow me; I have just the thing for you!" He was led past a curtained entrance and into a small room with a three-panel mirror. In front of the mirrors was a small pedestal; he was ordered to stand on it. "Put your hands up dear." She whipped out a tape measure and began wrapping it around his body. "Now tell me, Sora, what took you so long to return home?"
He settled on a disarming excuse. "I was waiting for a special occasion. Eek!" She tightened the tape around his waist.
"The occasion certainly doesn't get any more special than this," she remarked innocently.
"Y-yeah."
She made a low hum. "She's missed you a lot," she revealed. "She told me all about it when she was trying on dresses."
"Who?"
"Who else? Kairi."
"Really? What did she say?"
She gave a gentle smile. "Something or another. Perhaps it was pre-wedding jitters? There, finished! I think I got the right size, let me just go and pick it out for you." She left the dressing room.
Pre-wedding jitters? What was that supposed to mean?
Ms. Fairy finally returned with a tuxedo wrapped in plastic. "Go try this on and come out when you're ready."
He put on the suit, starting with the white collar shirt, proceeding with the pants, then with the under vest, the cummerbund, the jacket, and finally the bowtie. He checked his reflection. The last time he was here, it was before prom. He never had a chance to wear his tuxedo though, thanks to the accident. What would've happened if he never crashed? Hell, what would've happened if he never suggested Riku in the first place? Would he be standing here, dressed for a wedding, as a groom instead of a best man? He stepped off the platform and left through the curtains. He was met with two different faces: one excited, and the other uncertain.
Ms. Fairy clapped her hands. "You look dashing! Why, if I didn't know any better, I would say you were the groom!" If only. "What do you think Kairi?"
She averted her gaze. "Yeah…it looks great."
Sora laughed at her display of cognitive dissonance. She sure inspired a lot of confidence in him. He'd just have to take Ms. Fairy's word for it.
"How does it feel?" the old lady asked.
"It's a little snug, but it works."
"Great!" Ms. Fairy let out. She turned to Kairi, "Is it a wrap?" The auburn woman nodded. "Okay, let's get this thing off you!"
Sora undressed (in the dressing room) and let Ms. Fairy wrap it up for easy transport. He carried the suit and followed Kairi back to the car. She opened the back door. "Just hang it in here." She went around the vehicle and got in the driver's seat.
He hooked the clothes to the handle above the window and got in the passenger-side. "So…where to?" he asked. She didn't say anything as she sat there for a few minutes, staring at the steering wheel. "Kairi?"
She put her keys in the ignition and turned the engine on. He probably wasn't going to get an answer out of her at this point. Although she didn't say anything, he noticed that they were heading towards the beach. He wondered what she had in store for him. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good.
They drove about ten minutes until they reached the beach lot. Normally one has to put in coins in the meters to keep a spot, but since Kairi was the mayor's daughter, she had a special permit that exempted her from losing all her change. She turned the engine off, opened the door, and stepped out. He could see her through the windshield as she jumped over a low brick wall that separated the sand from the concrete and walked towards the beach. His eyes followed her form until she stopped before the water and sat down on the sand.
Was he…supposed to follow her? He looked in the driver's seat and saw her cell phone laying there with no possibility of an interruption. He exited the car and felt the breeze blow past his face, carrying the rich salty sea scent to his nose. With his eyes trained on the girl, he leapt over the brick wall and approached her carefully. He sat down next to her.
They were alone. It was still early in the morning and they were parked in an isolated part of the beach, which explained the lack of people. The only noise was the sound of the waves crashing and the seagulls squawking. On either side, the sand stretched out in the distance, fading against rocky silhouettes. They weren't that far from the foaming seawater, about ten feet probably. They sat there for awhile, saying nothing as they watched the tides roll.
She was the first to break the silence. "Do you remember?" she asked. He turned to her, but she was gazing at the ocean. "We used to come here all the time as kids," she laughed. "We had a lot of good times together. Blitzball, swimming, building sand castles, just messing around…" She faced him, meeting his eyes, night-ocean against blue-sky. They could see their own reflections. "Sora. Tell me, why did you leave? Why did you run away for so long?" As soon as she finished asking the question, her eyes clouded. It was an imperceptible lowering of the upper eyelid that revealed a shadow of doubt and fear.
He could tell. She knew. She knew why he was gone for so long. She was afraid but she had to hear it. They both had to hear it. How long had he kept it in now? Ten years? No, even longer than that. She was finally giving him the chance to let it go, to let the truth out, to let his feelings fly. Would he finally confess his love, the love that he locked within his own heart for so long, sealed within the dark and twisted confines of his soul?
He imagined this moment so many times. There were thousands of ways he could do it. He rehearsed every possible method but could never find the best one. It probably didn't exist. All he had were pathetic sentiments weathered by time, distorted with despair, and filled with desperation. Now that he was actually here, faced with a scenario that was no longer hypothetical, his brain just shut down. No amount of practice could mentally prepare him.
He gazed at her still-expectant face. She really was beautiful, more beautiful than he remembered. His eyes followed the gentle curves of her cheek, admired her perfect unblemished skin, and fixed upon her sweet lips. A breeze came, blowing her hair gently, auburn strands dancing in the wind. Could a woman be so perfect? There had to be some kind of flaw, but there wasn't. If there was any, it was that she wasn't with him. Even in this situation, he couldn't quite quell his selfish thoughts.
He was getting hot, the heat inside spreading out from his body to his fingers. His heart beat wildly, thumping against his chest, wanting for escape. He wanted to calm down but his body wouldn't, it was too agitated, too excited about the prospect of release. He could feel his insides vibrate, wound with years of tension, just waiting to surface. Beads of sweat were forming, and his breath was getting short.
His heart and body were prepared, but his mind wasn't. Logic dictated that confessing was a huge mistake. She was about to be married in less than a week. He couldn't do this to her, not now, not when she was about to experience the one thing that all girls dreamed of experiencing, a marriage to the perfect man.
Logic be damned. He needed to do this. Keeping it inside was not an option anymore. He had kept it inside for ten years and where did it get him? Absolutely nowhere. No, if was going to get anywhere, he had to do this. No more excuses, no more distractions, just fucking say it already!
His hands tightened up, clenching the sand in his fist. He brought it up and let the sand sift slowly through his fingers. "I…" What are you so afraid of? She was already getting married. Not to you, but to Riku. You have nothing to lose because you've already lost it all. Don't be a sore loser now, accept defeat! "The reason I ran away…it's because…it's because I…" I can't do it! Why is it so hard?
"Sora," she said pleadingly, her face desperate. The expression didn't suit her. Did he cause this? Did he cause such a beautiful face to look so hurt? Why deny her what she wanted?
His mental defenses had finally shattered.
It was time.
Time to say it.
To say four little words.
Four little words that changed everything.
"I love you Kairi."
There.
He said it.
After all this time, after ten years of pent up emotion, he finally told her how he really felt.
It was such a devastatingly simple sentiment, but it was a sentiment that controlled his life.
Now he would finally see what it was all for, all those years of misery, of agony, anguish, and self-hatred.
How would she react to it?
Her eyes didn't change, still dark with the same shade of fear and doubt. She quickly averted them, turning around, her auburn hair covering her face. She didn't say anything. Her shoulders were low, and her hands lay limp against the ground. Her fingertips dragged against the sand, gathering particles until she closed her fist.
"You don't mean that."
He almost didn't hear it. The sound of the waves crashing, the wind blowing, and the birds chirping, it drowned out everything.
Her head lifted, and she looked at him.
"You don't mean that."
He heard it clearly this time. There was no mistaking it. There was no mistaking the disbelief, the hurt, or the anger in her voice. There was no mistaking the sadness on her face or the tears that leaked from the corner of her eyes. Her mouth was taut, teeth clenched with barely restrained emotion.
"You don't mean that!" She shouted, chanting it like a spell, as if repetition could change the truth, alter his feelings and make everything better. "You don't mean it! You don't! You can't!"
So this was how it felt.
To give his heart to the only girl—the only woman—he ever loved, and have it completely destroyed right in front of his face.
It felt like nothing.
It made sense. How could he feel? He was destroyed. He didn't exist anymore.
His body, once hot from anticipation, had turned cold. The blood stopped in his veins and numbness began to spread.
She pushed herself up and looked down on him with fury. Her lip quivered, and her shoulders shook with rage. "How could... " She had a tough time speaking. Her breath was short. "How could you do this to me?"
How could I—what the hell? Was this some kind of twisted joke? Why was she getting angry? She was the one rejecting him! "What?"
"How could you do this to me!" she screamed. She was primal, her hair was in disarray.
Kairi…how could she be so cold? Was this the real Kairi? Did she play him, make him fall in love with her only to reject him, to accuse him of a sin greater than heaven or hell? No, she didn't have a right to act this way. She spent the last decade of her life happily with Riku while he—while he lived in the dregs of his wretched mind, carving out a pitiful existence for each day of his life. "How can I—how about you?" he yelled back defiantly.
"You weren't supposed to say that Sora! You're not supposed to!" Her words stabbed at him, puncturing holes in his already perforated heart. What lengths would she go to damage him, to ensure his complete annihilation?
"I'm not supposed to?" he gasped incredulously. "What, I should've just kept my mouth shut then?"
"It would've been better for everybody if you did! How could you say you love me now Sora? Right before my own wedding?" she asked desperately.
"I—" he couldn't give a good answer. She had a point.
"You did this on purpose," she accused. No he didn't. He just couldn't do it before!
"That's not how it is. Come on Kairi, you were with him for the past ten years, you expect me to just tell you while you still had a boyfriend?"
"YES!" she yelled back. He was stunned by the outburst. "Because if you do it now, you'll ruin everything!"
Right. Her life was perfect. She was about to be married to her dream man but he had to screw up everything. How dare he? He could he, a nobody—scum, how could he confess to her when everything was about to be just fine? He was just a nuisance—an abomination.
But even if that were true, he was still human godammit. He had feelings too!
"Maybe I should've just kept it to myself then. Keep it inside until I died, all alone and miserable. Maybe that would've made you happy?" he spat, his words dripping with venom.
"Dammit Sora! Why do you always have to make things so hard for me?"
"So it's my fault then?" The ice inside was melting from the flames of anger.
"YES!"
That was it. He couldn't take it anymore. She had no reason to act this way, if anybody should be angry, it was him. He didn't hold it in for all these years just for this, whatever the fuck this was.
"I can't believe you," he said, shaking his head. He stood up, his face distorted with pain and anger. "Can you even imagine what it was like for me? Do you have any idea how much I fucking suffered because of you?" She winced at his laced words. "I ran away because I couldn't take it anymore! Why should I stay, pretending to be happy for you? You know how much it killed me?" His words hurt her. Good. He wanted her to be hurt. She should taste it too, the same shit that he had to taste every day of his shitty life. "For the last ten years, you haunted me. I could never escape from you. You owned me. I was a slave. I couldn't do anything; I couldn't go a single second without thinking of you. I wanted to be free from your grasp but you just wouldn't let me go. I couldn't stop myself! I'm pathetic, I know, but I loved you! I loved you! I just wanted to be with you but I—"
But what? There was nothing between them now. No friendship or love, just hate and sorrow. It was such a heavy burden, to carry this weight only to be crushed by it in the end. If this was what it meant, then—
"—I wish that I never met you."
If he had never met her, then none of this would have to happen. He would never have to feel this way.
If he could go back in time, he never wanted to meet her again.
They both stood there with tears, either from sadness or anger, streaming down both their faces. It was a like a contest to see who could inflict the most hurt.
Kairi was overwhelmed. After the shock wore off, outrage settled in.
"Fuck you," she let out. "FUCK YOU."
Sora laughed. It was a dangerous laugh, the laugh of a man with nothing to lose. "Story of my life Kairi. I've been fucked over all my life. It's nothing new to me."
SLAP!
It stung.
It was the hardest slap he ever felt. Her fingernails had grazed him, leaving bloody trails on his cheek. The physical pain…it felt nice.
She backed off, breathing hard, having put all her strength in her violence.
"Fuck you," she repeated again.
She stomped off, marching towards the parking lot, trampling the soft sand beneath her feet until she reached the brick wall and leapt over it. She got in the car.
He wondered if he should follow her but got his answer when the car started, backed out of the lot, and drove off.
She was gone.
He gave a small chuckle.
So that was it.
He ran away for ten years just to have her do the same.
He laughed.
Could life be so utterly pointless, so utterly bereft of meaning?
His laughter turned into a breathless expression of insanity, melting with the sounds of the angry waves, the intense squawking of the seagulls, and the deafening sound of his own shattering heart.
He fell back on the sand, literally rolling in laughter. It finally died down, turning into sobs. He clutched his sides, sore from his maniacal fit.
What did he have to do just to be happy? He couldn't run, he couldn't stay, he couldn't tell her the truth. All paths led to one conclusion: nothing. It was his destiny to be miserable. That was the only explanation. Couldn't he change it? Couldn't he just give up his fortune, exchange all his money for a reason— a reason to smile?
He bowed over, his forehead digging into the sand. "Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it," he said ceaselessly. He couldn't stop.
In the end, she was the one who ran away. Maybe the reason he ran was so that he wouldn't see her do the same. Pathetic. Utterly pathetic. He got on his knees and straightened out a little. "So…this is what it feels to be heartless…" He dusted the sand off his clothes. "…to be nobody…" He kneeled down. "…to be me."
He didn't move as he fixed his gaze towards the ocean. He always thought about it, about what might happen when he finally did confess. He considered many different outcomes:
She would be shocked but reveal that she secretly loved him all along.
She would let him down gently, saying that she just wanted to be friends.
Or what actually happened instead.
He had come across the worst-case scenario. So what now? What happens after this? Were they still even friends? Should he even bother showing up at the wedding? After that…it probably wasn't the best idea. Hell, he should probably get on the first flight off the island and disappear.
There was another way he could disappear. He was looking right at it. The ocean water. He could drown himself. Then he wouldn't have to worry about anything. No more Kairi, no more deadlines, no more Keyblade Chronicles, no more Sora…he couldn't say that he never thought of it, just ending it all. Would they even care? Probably not. He was nobody.
As tempting as it was, he could never do it. No, his father's death was enough. He let out a hollow laugh. What could else he do then? He couldn't kill himself but…there was still someone, someone that he could kill with no remorse. He looked up.
Sky.
Maybe that was it? Sky dies in the third book. Nobody would ever expect it. It was a twist guaranteed to sell millions. Sorry fans, but he had to die, for my sake. God, what am I talking about? I'm not making any sense. It was all nonsense. There was nothing now.
Nothing.
The sun finally reached its zenith, shining with full power in the noon. Sora vaguely felt the air around him be disturbed as more visitors swarmed the beach. The sound of splashing water, of voices, and laughter surrounded him. Men, women, boys, and girls ran around with such glee and happiness. Blurry afterimages of people, in swimsuits, flitted past his eyes. Everything was moving in fast motion, objects zipping back and forth until everything slowed down.
It was afternoon.
Then early evening.
The sky was red and getting darker by the minute.
He had sat there for the whole day.
He wasn't hungry. He wasn't thirsty. He wasn't tired. He wasn't anything.
Soon enough, night had descended, blanketing the entire beach in pitch-black darkness.
…
…
…
It was a soft sound. Like grains of sand being pushed aside. They were footsteps. The sound was getting louder and louder.
"Sora?" The miserable man looked over his shoulder to see Naminé with a small keychain light shining in his face. She was wearing her favorite outfit, a plain white summer dress that stopped at her knees. "Sora!" She jogged over and crouched before him. "I was looking all over the place for you," she revealed worriedly.
He almost couldn't see her, the night having rendered his senses blind. He knew she was there though. He could hear her soft breathing and smell her perfume. He struggled, trying to pierce the dark cloud that covered him until he finally saw it, her face—her soft and elegant features. They seemed to glow in the darkness. "Naminé…"
She cupped his face with her hands to take a look at him. His face was cold and his eyes were bloodshot, like he had been crying. "Are you alright?"
Naminé was different from Kairi. She would never let him down; she would never do what Kairi did. "You look beautiful Naminé." She really did. Just as—no, even more beautiful because her face held something that Kairi's didn't.
Love.
Caught off-guard by the comment, her face colored. "Sora?"
Unlike Kairi, Naminé loved him didn't she? She always cared for him, always listened to him, always wanted him to be happy. Why did he never see it before? She was the perfect girl. "If I was drowning Namine…would you save me?"
She frowned. Something about Sora was…off. She knew why of course, he must've been hurting. He was vulnerable now. His heart was gone, and he needed something to fill it in with. He needed her. "Of course. I would never let you drown."
He could see it in her eyes. Her love. It was in the way she looked at him, the way she spoke, the way she moved. It was captivating. She was an angel. He took her hand, feeling its warmth. "You're warm."
She felt it. A small tingle from where he held her. She was caught in his gaze; it called to her, asking for salvation. She was entranced by his aqua blue eyes, the eyes that she so often dreamed of. His lips were slightly open, inviting her kiss. "Sora…you're not…yourself." He was close. His presence was overwhelming. His hand softly caressed her cheek. She barely suppressed a shudder. "You can't…" It was a weak protest.
She wanted him.
"Save me," he whispered. "You're the only one who loves me."
He closed the gap and captured her lips.
She didn't resist. She leaned into it, tasting him, running her tongue along his lips. He held on to her body, laying her softly against the sand. She wilted right into him. She knew she shouldn't be doing this but—her mind wasn't working. She had wanted him for so long and here he was, finally, kissing her. She held on to him, feeling his shoulders, his back, his chest, his body.
"Sora…" It was wrong. She knew it. But it felt so right. This was how it was supposed to be. How she longed for him. Her heart was about to burst. She didn't care anymore.
Sora lost himself in the sensation, in the feel of her body. She melted with his every touch. She was so pliant in his arms. He could do anything he wanted and she would let him. She wanted this. She hooked her arms around his neck, keeping him close. He looked into her clear eyes. They were alluring, filled with an emotion he so desperately needed. She gave him oxygen, heat, and a reason to live. He breathed in hard, taking in her intoxicating scent. He continued his ministrations on her lips, her mouth, her jaw, trailing down to her neck.
"I—" she hesitated. "I love you."
He gently pulled the strap on her shoulder down, exposing her skin. She was divine.
"Is it strange of me to say I love you even though I'm your cousin's boyfriend?"
He blew his hot breath against her, letting his moist tongue run across her body. She let out a soft moan. She was enjoying it.
"Sora, relax. I've felt this way about you for a very long time…"
He stroked her face, gingerly felt her neck, and pulled the other strap down, exposing her chest. She let out a small gasp.
"Don't play me for a fool. She told me everything. I know she loves you."
He massaged her, squeezing her gently. Soft whimpers of pleasure escaped from her lips. His hand went down to the hem of her dress and he pulled it up in agonizingly slow fashion. Her legs were beautiful, milky, soft, and silky.
Her hands clutched his shirt, tugging it, trying to pry it off him. He obliged, taking the shirt off for her. He leaned against her, their bodies pressing into each other.
"I'm not going to steal Naminé from you."
Their hands ran over each other, their tongues danced together, and their hearts became one. He was in a daze. His body moved on its own, guided by natural impulse, searching for physical touch wherever he could . He drowned in her feeling, letting her presence overpower his senses. He hiked her dress, letting it crease past her waist.
He was sinking further and further. If he didn't stop soon, then…
"You already did."
He stopped.
"Sora?" It came out like a small whine.
What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? He shut his eyes, willing himself back to the surface. He was aware now. He was on top of Naminé, both of them half-naked, about to do something that they would both regret if he hadn't stopped. He let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry." He rolled off her, his back against the ground, and his hands over his face. "I'm sorry," he repeated again.
She stared at his shameful form and looked down on her own half-naked body. She took a deep breath. Her heart was still going a thousand miles an hour. After her hands stopped shaking from the excitement, she pulled the straps over her shoulder and flattened out her dress. She bit her lip. There was no denying it, she was feeling…disappointed. She knew it was terrible to feel that way, but her body didn't agree. She was still hot. She waited a few moments to let her body cool down before answering. "It's okay." Okay for him, but definitely not for her.
"I was—taking advantage of you," he admitted. He sat up and found his discarded shirt. He put it on slowly. He didn't want to look at her face and instead looked down. "Will you forgive me?"
She knew he was vulnerable when he grabbed her. If anybody was taking advantage, it was her. She was the one with the boyfriend, she was the one who knew he got rejected, and she was the one who was supposed to stop him. Her heart didn't lie. She would gladly allow herself to be ravished by him, to succumb to his desperate need for physical contact and love, without question. She shook her head. "No, it's fine," she excused. "We—we should—we should go back."
He finally looked up, his face full of remorse, "Yeah, we should."
The writer stood up and brushed the sand off his clothes. He held out a hand out to help Naminé up. She was still glowing from what happened earlier. They avoided each other's gaze carefully. She started walking toward the lot. He followed but kept his distance.
Roxas…did he know this was going to happen? Was this why he tried so hard to pair him off with other girls? He looked up to see Naminé's back. He felt disgusted. How could he do that to her? He knew she loved him and used that to just—god—he was sick.
He didn't know what came over him. When he saw her, she was just so beautiful, like a savior sent from heaven. Kairi hated him, hell, he hated himself—but Naminé…she loved him. He had no idea why, but she did. He knew that and took advantage of it. He almost did something that he could never take back. If he had taken her, right there on the beach, what would've happened? Roxas was still his cousin, he was still family, a person who looked out for him. He couldn't betray him! Despite that…he didn't care at the time. He just wanted her love…and her body.
God, he was so fucked up.
He kept moving until his legs hit the brick boundary. He was so busy berating himself, he didn't realize it. He saw Naminé waiting beside a car.
"It's my parent's," she explained.
He bowed his head, climbed over the barrier, slowly walked to the passenger-side door and got in.
It was a silent ride, not unlike his previous one, but this one was worse since the previous silence was in anticipation of a bad confrontation. This silence was in reflection of a monstrous sin. It was terrifying how everything had spiraled out of control. When he saw her on the beach, the only thing he could think of was "save me."
He watched the dark scenery pass by, a hazy blur of dark shapes and ominous figures. Even in the darkest moments of his life, there was still a small piece of light that kept him alive. It had kept him moving forward, stumbling blindly in the darkness…it was called hope. But that light was all but extinguished now. There was no point in moving on. No more effort was needed. Just stay still…forever.
"We're here." They were parked in the driveway.
Sora tried opening the door but it was still locked. "Naminé?"
"You didn't do anything wrong." Are you kidding me? Of course I did! "I—I knew you were vulnerable. I knew what happened earlier so I went looking for you. I know you don't love me Sora; you were just…looking for some comfort. Even though I knew that, I didn't stop you. I'm the one who should apologize. I'm sorry."
"Naminé…" She had nothing to be sorry for, it was his fault.
"Just forget about it okay? Don't—don't tell Roxas. I mean, it won't ever happen again right?" she gave a nervous laugh, trying to reassure herself of that fact.
"Yeah." It was just a moment of weakness. He loved Naminé, but just not in that way. It shouldn't—wouldn't happen again.
"Let's go in." They left the car.
It was late, a little after 11 maybe. They went up the path to the entrance. They entered quietly. They were greeted with the sight of Roxas waiting on the stairway.
"Naminé!" he shouted out, standing up in relief. He noticed Sora, "You found him."
Naminé nodded.
Something was odd. They were acting strange, as if something happened between them. No...Roxas shut his eyes and turned around. He could tell, just from their body language, from the guilty look on their faces, they did something that he—
"I'll be in the room," he said curtly, before sprinting up the stairs.
"Roxas—wait!" She ran up to follow him.
Sora leaned against the wall tiredly. It figured. He couldn't even look at his cousin in the face. He didn't even have to say it. Roxas probably had an idea. He warned him after all. It was true, he did things to her that no other man besides Roxas should've been allowed to do but— that was all he did. Nothing else happened; he made sure of that—just barely though. Just remembering it made him a little hard. It was only Roxas' words, his pitiful defeated face that stopped him.
The front door was still slightly ajar, letting a cold breeze in the house. He shivered. As he went over to close it, he heard sounds from the kitchen. He shut the door and entered the dining room to find the source of the noise.
Xion was sitting at the table, eating watermelon. "Oh, Sora! You're back!" she welcomed cheerily. Her demeanor was oddly…comforting. She had no never known love or its destructive consequences.
"Hey. Eating watermelon?"
She nodded. "I just love watermelon, don't you?"
He did. He really did, which was why he took a slice off the plate and bit into it. It was juicy. "It's good." He hadn't eaten the whole day. He took another bite. "How was your day?"
"Naminé and I went out to buy a dress."
"Did your things come in okay?" he asked, remembering that Roxas had called in a special delivery service.
"Yeah, although, I think he went a little overboard. He basically sent my whole apartment over."
"He tends to go overboard sometimes." Sora knew why Roxas went overboard in this case though. He was trying to prepare her for a move to Destiny Islands. It was pretty presumptuous on his part though, who said she would accept in the first place?
"Naminé told me a lot about you. When we were shopping."
"Nothing bad I hope?"
She shook her head. "It's strange," she pondered.
"Strange?"
"The way she describes you…you're like a completely different person. You always beat yourself up but I think…I think you're a really good person at heart." He grimaced. That might've been true before what happened at the beach, but now...he was a horrible person. No two ways about it. "Anyways…when Naminé and I came back, I heard about what happened. I'm sorry."
"Heard about it?"
"I sort of—overheard things."
Xion and Naminé were driving back to the house after a round of shopping. They had a nice chat together, mostly about Destiny Islands, but also a little bit about Sora. They were small stories about high school but they were things that Xion never knew about him. Sora made it sound like he spent all of high school in a daze of depression, but Naminé recounted all his accomplishments, things like making a girl's blitzball team. He was also the one who gave Naminé the confidence to display her artwork in front of the whole school.
"He does a lot of things he doesn't want to take credit for," she explained.
"Why would he do that?" Xion asked back.
"He's humble to a fault," she offered plainly. "But I think the real reason is that he doesn't realize it."
"Isn't that…kind of dumb?"
"Well he is kind of dumb."
They giggled.
They finally returned to the house but saw Kairi's car in the driveway.
"Are they back?" The girls unloaded their cargo and made their way to the front door. They entered to hear sounds of arguing in the kitchen.
"What do you know?" the voice screamed. It was Kairi's. The two girls looked at each other, debating whether or not they should enter.
"I know everything. I've been with Sora for the last ten years, more than you can say that's for sure," Roxas' voice spat back.
"I don't even know you. Where the hell do you get off on lecturing me?"
"But I know you. You never saw him did you? The real Sora. He always put up happy faces so you could never realize it. He's pathetic the way he is now. All he does is spend all day on the computer, running away from life, running away from you. It's all your fault!"
"You don't understand anything."
"I understand enough. You can't even call yourself his friend, because a real friend would know that something was wrong but you…you just ignored it, all for the sake of your own selfishness."
"Shut up."
"You're no friend Kairi. You're just a bitch."
"SHUT UP."
The door to the dining room slammed open. The two girls froze, seeing the bride-to-be stand there. She looked terrible, her eyes were red and puffy and her face was tired. She didn't say a thing as she noiselessly walked past them.
Naminé ran to the kitchen and looked inside. Roxas was standing by the counter, a dour expression on his face. "Roxas?"
"N-Naminé?" he stuttered. "Did you…?"
"Where's Sora?" she asked.
He crossed his arms. "I don't know. When she came back, she was alone."
Xion finally entered the room. The situation was tense. "What happened?" she asked.
Roxas let out a dark laugh. "Make a guess. She crushed Sora's heart. I knew this would happen. I knew this would happen…"
"Then Sora is somewhere…all alone by himself," Naminé realized. "I—I have to go find him!" She quickly ran out of the kitchen.
"Naminé, wait!" Roxas yelled. He jogged out after her, leaving Xion alone by herself in the room.
Sora took a slow bite of his melon, absorbing Xion's story. His stomach was churning. Melon probably wasn't the best dinner but it made no difference. His stomach was ravaged from stress anyways.
Great. Everything was falling apart now. He shouldn't have come. None of this would've happen if he hadn't come. Roxas would still be happy with Naminé, Xion wouldn't be stuck halfway across the world, and Kairi and Riku would marry and be happy forever. As for him? Nothing changed. He would still be miserable, but at least he wouldn't be dragging down everybody else with him. This trip was the most pointless endeavor in his life.
"Could things get any worse?"
Ringinginging!
It was the house telephone. Xion looked at Sora, wondering if he would pick it up. He stood up slowly and let it ring for a few more seconds before answering. He really didn't want to deal with extraneous stuff at the moment. "Hello?"
"Sora? Is that you?"
"What is it Riku?"
"You gotta help me!" His voice was frantic.
"Calm down, what's going on?"
"It's Kairi. She's—she's gone."
Sora hung up the phone.
He knew he spoke too soon.