Okita Sougo was fast asleep. Which was good, because Gin, Shinpachi, and Kagura, also known as Agent JUMP, Agent Pasta, and Agent Sukonbu were sneaking into the Shinsengumi building, on a job. An odd one at that.
According to their client, their client's wife's ex-boyfriend (now in the Shinsengumi) had stolen his girlfriend's mother's cousin's daughter's precious piece of jewelry. And now, their client's mother-in-law's cousin's daughter thought their client's wife had stolen the jewelry. So, their client had hired Odd Jobs Gin to take care of the job.
The three agents came to an intersection of two hallways.
"I only go straight forward on the path of of life." pronounced Agent JUMP, and he proceded forward. Agent Sukonbu looked at Agent Pasta.
"I'll go right, since I always try to do the right thing." said Agent Pasta.
"Roger, Agent Pasta, I'll take what's left then." said Agent Sukonbu, turning left.
She opened one door silently. No one was there. She moved to the next door, and slid it open, to see a sleeping man with dark black hair. No jewelry in sight. There was a jar of mayonnaise, though. Licking her lips, Kargura, that is, Agent Sukonbu, pocketed the jar of mayo, and moved on. The man moaned softly in his sleep,
"Mayyyyyyoooo. Marrrryyy me..." Agent Sukonbu shut the door hurriedly and moved on. In the next room was a snoring man, and on the wall hung a badminton racquet. She looked at it, bemused, and, seeing no jewelry, left. The following room held a man with light brown hair. He wore a red sleep mask. His sleeping face did not look peaceful or innocent. It looked blank. But there was something rather pretty in it, thought Agent Sukonbu.
"This is the bishonen boy of the Shinsengumi, ne?" Sukonbu asked herself quietly. "He probably has some jewelry, although he didn't seem interested in girls when I met him, so it's unlikely that she was his girlfriend. But, even so, he probably is hiding a sparkly pair of earrings at the very least.."
Sougo woke up, his eyes opening under the sleep mask. Another day of boredom on the earth. Another day of thirst, of boredom and denial. It was only another day; nothing new. But...there was something new. He sensed a presence in his room. He resisted the urge to bazooka them, and decided to listen first. That voice... he had definitely heard that voice before.
"This is the bishonen boy of the Shinsengumi, ne? He probably has some jewelry, although he didn't seem very interested in girls when I met him, so it's unlikely that she was his girlfriend. But, even so, he probably is hiding a sparkly pair of earrings at the very least.."
He felt her footsteps move this way and that, thumping around the room, looking under things, then toward him, and he felt his pillow lift, as she inspected the mat under it for anything incriminating. Like he could have slept through that. Without lifting the eye mask, he said lazily,
"Are you making fun of my taste in earrings, Kagura?" He felt her jump, and then she punched him.
"Woah!" she looked at him guiltily, "You surprised me." He sighed, and lifted the eye mask, sitting up.
"What are you doing here?"
"It's a long story to do with somebody's girlfriend and some jewelry." she summarized. "In the end, I'm looking for the jewelry stolen from someone related to your girlfriend." Apparently, she had decided he was the culprit. His face was expressionless as he looked at her.
"What use would I have for a girlfriend?" He asked.
"Hmmm." Kagura thought, "Her sparkly earrings?"
"I'm not into sparkly earrings, Kagura."
"It's not Kagura. It's Agent Sukonbu."
"What a creative name." Sarcasm overtook the laziness in his eyes for a moment, before the natural order of things reasserted itself, and he looked, once again, bored.
"Thanks. Maybe you could help me on this case then, kid."
"I'm older than you, anyway."
"Do you know who in the Shinsengumi would have stolen the jewelry from their girlfriend?" she asked him intently.
"Hijikata." he answered without a pause.
"Who is that?" she asked. He sat up, scratching his head to think. Agent Sukonbu was not at all distracted by the fact that he was wearing the traditional Japanese dress, nor by the way his hair looked all shiny and sparkly in the light. Not at all.
"He's a mayo eating freak."
"Oh!" A little lightbulb went off in Kagura's head. "I think I saw his room earlier. That was where I found this. She pulled out the mayo. Now it was Okita's eyes that lit up.
"Good job, Agent Sukonbu!" he said, clapping her on the back. "Could I have that?"
"Sure." she handed it to him. He smiled evilly, and grabbed both her hands in his. "What can I do for you?"
"Um, tell me about the culprit. It was a hijacking cat, right?"
"No. Hijikata. A man named Hijikata."
"And you're sure it was him?"
"Yeah, it was definitely probably him. I mean, the possibility that he absolutely did it is maybe one hundred percent."
"Hmm.." Agent Sukonbu paused to consider this. "What are you gonna do with the mayo?"
"Uh..." he looked around for inspiration, "eat it?"
"Can I have some too?" she asked. "I'm really hungry." She reached toward the jar.
"No!" he said, his hand snaking out to grab her wrist.
"That's cruel!" she said, wiggling free.
"I wasn't actually gonna eat it." he confessed.
"Then what?"
"I was gonna poison Hijikata." he said bluntly.
"Oh." she said. "Well, good luck then. I'm off to go arrest him."
"Have fun." He called.
"You too." She walked down the hallway, and banged on the door. Bang. Bang. Bang.
"Open up, you jewelry thief!" bellowed Kagura. "I'm here to ingest you!"
"Arrest, it's arrest." said Okita, following her out into the hallway.
"Huh?" Hijikata rubbed his eyes. "Ingest? I want.. mayoo.."
"You stole that man's wife's mother's cousin's daughter's jewelry, didn't you!" Kagura accused rather than asked.
"Jewelry?" Hijikata stood and walked over to Kagura, "I don't have any jewelry."
"Hold out your hands and prove it." said Okita. Hijikata's outstretched hands were empty. Okita poked Kagura in the back.
"Keep your hands where I can see 'em, uh-huh." she demanded, then turned to Okita. "I thought you said he had jewelry." Okita tossed something into the room, which caught the light as it flew in a graceful arc.
"Now he does."
Kagura turned around. A pair of sparkly earrings were lying in Hijikata's outstretched hands.
"You! You're the purple-potato!" Kagura declared.
"Perpetrator." this from Sougo. "It's perpetrator."
"Whatever."
Just then, Gin and Shinpachi entered. They held out a diamond necklace.
"Psst! Agent Sukonbu, we found it." hissed Shinpachi, "Let's go."
Agent Sukonbu moved behind Hijikata, and grabbing the sparkly earrings into her hands, and pointing at him.
"This is the real..." she began, looking at Okita.
"...perpetrator!" he finished dramatically.
"No," insisted Shinpachi, as Kagura fiddled with the sparkly earrings behind Hijikata, "Like I said, we already found the guilty one."
"Oh ho!" laughed Hijikata, "That means the sparkly earrings were really yours, Sougo!" Kagura stepped out from behind Hijikata.
"That's not what it looks like to me," chuckled Okita. Hijikata looked around for the earrings, and then felt his ears.
"Eeehhhhhhhhhhh?" he cried, turning to the mirror.
"Don't let anyone tease you for being who you really are, uh-huh!" cheered Kagura.
"They're not mine!" yelled Hijikata.
Others in the Shinsengumi walked in, awakened by the noise.
"What's going on in here?" demanded one.
"Hijikata has rediscovered himself." declared Okita.
Kagura high-fived Okita on her way out.