6. Philosophy

April 2010

Astoria, Oregon

Amelia

You know what's really annoying? People discussing your own death behind your back.

I didn't know what happened in the forest the day that Edward, Bella, and Rosalie returned home. But ever since they had, my death was the hot topic of choice. And I wasn't even invited to participate in the conversation.

Do they not realise I can hear them for Christ's sake?

That's it! I thought as I heard Edward, Carlisle, Harry, and Rosalie having another one of their whispered discussions upstairs in Carlisle's study. I couldn't catch the words this time, but I knew what was being said. Rosalie thought I should have been left to die, Edward was sitting on the bench, and Carlisle and Harry were defending their decision. The only person they owed any explanation was me, and I understand their decision. Perhaps I wasn't particularly happy about what had happened to me at times, such as when I had acted like a blood-crazed animal. But it was better than being left to die.

Angry as I had been at times over the past month, I could never hate them for their decision. Despite the whole hunting incident, overall, I quite liked being a Cullen. They were good people, and I enjoyed being around them, with the exception of Rosalie, who had seemingly taken an instant dislike to me. Plus, I really did seem to fit in with them in a way I had never fit in as a human. Within my family, I had been the girl whose siblings had been fifteen years apart in and with no cousins of her age either, who felt out of place at family gatherings. With my friends, I had often felt disconnected, just like I had for much of the walk home that fateful night. But with the Cullen children, I got along with all of them, Rosalie aside. But I guess it was too much to expect everyone to instantly like me. Then there was Harry. I didn't understand what was going on between us, but somehow it felt right being around him, though I couldn't put my finger on why.

"Excuse me," I said to Bella and Esme, slamming the book I had been pretending to read shut. They both looked over at me from over the tops of their own book. "This," I pointed my head upwards, "has to end!"

"Appears Amelia has something to say," I heard Edward say. Yes, I have something to say, mind reader. How has it taken you so long to pick that up?

All four of them came downstairs to where I sat with Bella and Esme. Jasper and Emmett looked up from the corner, where they were playing the most complicated game of chess I'd ever seen; I had been watching them earlier, but an hour in and with no end in sight, I'd given up out of boredom and confusion. Alice, who was working on some clothing design program on the computer, twirled round in the computer chair to face me.

Just great, looks like the 'Amelia's philosophy of life' lesson would have a full audience. Actually, let them all listen. At least this way they'll all know I wasn't angry and stop trying to make Carlisle and Harry feel guilty.

"You know what I believe?" I began. "I always believed everything in life happens for a reason. That even the bad stuff that happens to you in life has a point to it. So maybe I was supposed to become a vampire – maybe that's why I was pushed down a flight of stairs. All I know is, it has happened, and there's a reason behind it, and I'm not mad.

"So can you please stop with the 'should we have changed Amelia' conversations? To start with, it's really rude that you're having them with me in the house. There's talking behind someone's back, and then there's doing it blatantly in front of them.

Not once have any of you asked my opinion, now have you? Well, here it is anyway. I'm not mad at Carlisle and Harry for their decision.

"If you what to be angry with someone on my behalf, hop on a transatlantic flight and go hunt down my so-called former friends. There were two decisions made that night. One I understand, the other I don't. I think you can figure out which is which. So, no more conversations about my death, okay?

"It's happened and I'd like to think it happened for a reason. Maybe I was always meant to become a part of this family, and that's why I was pushed down a flight of stairs. Maybe fate or destiny, or whatever, planned this."

"Or God?" Carlisle interjected.

"Or God, I suppose, though I'm technically agnostic," I replied.

"How can you be agnostic and believe that everything happens for a reason?" Edward asked, curiously. Good question.

"I like to think everything happens for a reason – I don't claim to know why. If it is God, then prove it. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. It's just comforting to think that even the lowest moments in your life have a reason behind them, you know?"

The entire family lapsed into silence, clearly thinking about my words. I'd never voiced my own approach to religion, destiny, and life before. I was just glad they didn't find it stupid.

Even Rosalie seemed absorbed in what I was saying. She was looking at me with curiosity, instead of disgust and hatred. I didn't know what her problem was, but maybe my little speech could help to solve things.

"So, anyway, no more 'should we have left Amelia to die' convos, please," I repeated. They all nodded their agreement. I smiled, pleased. Not only had I gotten them to shut up, but I'd given them something to think about as well.

A big 'thank you' as always to Project Team Beta.

Short chapter, but Amelia needed a chance to explain that she isn't mad.