Author's Note: Here you go, kiddos! Enjoy, and be sure to tell me your thoughts on the way out.
September 4
2:15 PM
Mood: Nostalgic
You know, it must suck to be a Professor at Hogwarts. Mainly because students don't listen to you. I know I'm not listening anymore, but Professor Slughorn will never care, because he loves me too much. It actually gets a bit scary some times.
Today, for example, I walked in to class only to find, to my dread, our very own resident potions professor wearing something that looked frighteningly like a green jumper. His fashion sense hasn't improved over the years, ergo, per the usual, he had to fish for compliments out of the students. Which isn't hard, because Fabian and Gideon Prewett are extreme suck-ups. But that's mainly because they do it to be funny to the rest of the class, and Slughorn never notices.
Fabian: "Oh, Professor, there is something about you today that just looks picturesque. I can't quite put my finger on it, though. Can you, Gideon?"
Gideon: "Hmmm… Hair cut, perhaps?"
Fabian: "No, that's not it… Whatever it is, you really do look stunning today, Sir."
Slughorn: "Why thank you m'boy, I dare say it's my new suit! Just got sent in from Lucretia- fabulous industry she makes that, selling clothes."
My bad. It's not a jumper- it's a suit. Dully noted.
Gideon: "Surely, you don't mean Auntie Lucretia? She married our uncle, Ignatius!"
Fabian: "I'm sure he does, Gideon! We are related to so many wonderful people." He winked at his brother.
Slughorn: "Oh yes, Lucretia Prewett. Silly of me not to have made the connection!"
Slughorn waved a hand and spun around to the class and said, "The suit does compliment my eyes nicely though, doesn't it?"
The class nods and continues to secretly ignore him. He looks my way, beaming.
"Oh, Lily-flower!" Blast. There's that ruddy name again. At least he hasn't called me 'old girl' yet. That really got on my nerves last year. And all of the years before it. "It's been a long summer, haven't seen you in ages. How've you been old girl?"
I spoke too soon.
I plaster a smile on my face and look up from my book. "Excellent, Sir. Great to be back." Alice is burying herself in 'Advanced Potion Making: Second Edition' and trying not to laugh at me. Actually, she is laughing. Discreetly. She knows just how Slughorn is stroking up against every little thing that bothers me right now.
Marlene is less subtle. She laughs. Out loud. And it wasn't even funny- she just has her wild sex-drive brain that causes her to take Slughorn's love for me one level too far. She reckons he wants to sleep with me. I think he's just an ego maniac who wants to be surrounded by people who make him feel useful. Like any old man, if you think about it.
Meanwhile, Peter tries to get her in trouble because that's what he does. Sirius and James are the ones who like being in trouble/starting it, Remus likes avoiding it, and Peter likes avoiding it even more drastically to the point that he annoyingly shoves others into it.
"What's so funny, McKinnon?" He says in his nasally voice. Marlene snorts.
"Oh, nothing. Just got a whiff of Tickling Potion!" Peter opens his mouth to push her again, and Marlene quits laughing and gives him a dark warning glance with her hazel eyes. He promptly closes his jaw from further retort. Pettigrew doesn't seem to notice there's no such thing as Tickling Potion.
Slughorn has finally had enough of antagonizing us with pleasantries and asks us to turn to page three-hundred-eighty-four and start to brew the Draught of Peace (Moonstones are dreadful to reduce to powder. Better see if Alice can make extra). Idle gossip finally ensues.
"Marlene, where the hell were you yesterday when I was falling down with bloody James Potter in front of the entire population?"
So much for idle.
"Lily, you know full well I'll always be there is a heart beat for you, but leaping from the Hufflepuff table to the Gryffindor one in a skirt is extremely unflattering." She does have a point.
Alice scoffs. "Mars, the whole Gryffindor table has probably seen you naked anyway. What's the difference?" Point there also. A very awkward one.
Conversation now headed direction I don't want to go.
"I'm just saying, it was humiliating, and I will be needing some serious time to re-coup from that public embarrassment."
Marlene pats my shoulder with a manicured hand.
"Don't worry- I'll make it up to you in chocolate. And a pedicure, because your feet look awful." She wrinkled her nose in disdain. I give her a look that clearly says 'My feet look fine, Marlene!' and she continues to talk.
"No, no 'buts' about it. If you're going to eat this chocolate, or breathe it in, or whatever you call it when you chow down so fast I lose track of what you're eating, then you're going to let me fix those…things. The ones you call toenails."
A look crosses her face again and she flips back her blonde curls to emphasize the point. The hair flip. Something Marlene always does when she means business- whether she is chasing a boy or just trying to make a statement. Obviously, I have no further say on my toenails and their state. I bend over the moonstone chunk and started to bash on it with the mallet besides me. Bloody things never work out well. I am always tempted to chuck the mallet at the wall and ignore the potion, but as my grade shows, clearly, I have never followed up on these urges.
Someone at the table behind me lets out a slightly agitated grunt. I turn around to tell them off- a bunch of Slytherin gits sit behind me- and my eyes connect with the deepest of black, the pupil and iris almost undistinguishable. Severus.
"Evans, are you really so incompetent that you can't handle a simple rock?"
He practically jumps across the table to grab the moonstone, and my mouth gapes a little in surprise. Snape hasn't spoken to me hardly once since 'the incident' where he called me a Mudblood. It was so foul of him, my best friend, to call me something like that, something he knew would hit a nerve. Snape sets the rock on a pair of tongs, shoving a wadded up piece of paper beneath it and muttering lazily "Incendio." I watch as the paper catches fire and the stone slowly heats up. He continues to speak.
"Moonstones and Sunstones are opposite- that's why the best way to defeat one is using the properties of another. Once you heat up the moonstone, it should shatter significantly easier directly into powder, not just fragments."
Our eyes connect, and it takes a second to remember why I was so mad at him. I feel Alice bump my leg with her foot, breaking my reverie, and I shake my head to bring my brain back to the present, and away from the past where he was just a wizard who needed a friend, and I just a witch who needed a guide in this whole new world he lived in.
It takes time, to remember that he's not just a wizard, he's one of 'them.' One who chose the dark side over the light, and one who can't possibly grow up to see people like me as anything but what he calls them- mudbloods. We're not on the same side anymore, and that's hard.
"Thank you." I say quickly, summoning the rock back to me with a quick 'Accio.' "But I prefer to solve my own problems." He doesn't know that he's one of my problems, and the only one I will never solve.
Severus tries to smile. "I know," he says simply, two words to try and explain how he still knows me, even though I can't say I know him anymore.
"Everything alright over here, with my two favorite students?" Slughorn walked over, eyeing our progress.
"Oh, how marvelous! Mr. Snape's done it! He's got the powdering system down pat, and you surely helped, Miss Evans. Splendid work, both of you!" He grins broadly and walks, for lack of a better word, 'sluggishly' off.
I try to turn around and get back to my own work, but before I do, I notice Snape's jaw clench and unclench. He never really got credit enough for the things he did right, everyone always noticed the wrong. And he pushed me away, even though I was the only one to give him that credit.
So I push away all trace of kindness on my face again and finalize our one-sided chat, and get back to work, a sorrowful feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Class dragged on, until I thought it would never be over, and I dashed out the door and the sound of the clock chiming in the clock tower. I couldn't get to lunch fast enough.
"Geeze, Lily. Slow down!" Marlene is trying to keep up with me, Alice hot on her heels.
"What was that about? Between you and Snape?" Alice says, finally catching up and grabbing hold of my elbow. I pull it from her, and Marlene looks at me desperately from my other side.
"I… I don't want to talk about it. You know where things stand with us. So he wants to reconcile- big deal. What he did was unforgivable." I say it to convince myself above all. My friends exchange meaningful looks.
"Lily, have you tried talking to him about it?"
Oh, if only I'd told them the whole story. I never really wanted anyone to know the whole thing, about how he felt about me, how I couldn't risk leading him on, how many times I tried to tell him that he was my best friend- and no more, and then, how the only time I tried to forgive him for what he said, he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. Told me to go away, because I would never understand. That I was such a stuck-up bitch, walking around being righteous and looking down on him. I did the only thing I knew how to do then, I walked away from the conflict. And who should find me, crying in my alcove on the third floor, but James Potter?
Potter did me a courtesy that night. He didn't say anything. Just… Let me cry. But then, he had to go and ruin it by asking me out the next morning and reminding me that Snape was a horrible person, that I should hang out with he, James, instead, all when my eyes were swollen and red and I didn't want to be seen, let alone date right after that sort of heart-break I had gone through. I couldn't believe he had the audacity, the sheer rudeness to do that. So, I slapped him, and did what I do best. Walk away.
Funny, that now I find myself able to forgive my tormentor, to look Snape in the eye again, but I can't forgive the one who tried to heal me, me the tormented. I've never truly explored the origin of my hatred for Potter, but I do know it came before that day, and that it only climaxed when he said what he said.
And to this day, I still haven't told my friends any of this.
"I don't want to talk about it, Mars. Maybe later."
We approach the Great Hall, and I wait for her to walk over and join Benjy, but she shakes her head at the amiable Hufflepuff and takes a seat next to me. Alice eases her way onto the bench besides Gideon and Fabian.
"Oi, Lils. Why do you look like you swallowed a goat?" Fabian passes me the plate of finger sandwiches, and I marvel at his tact. However, at my moment of melancholy, I feel grateful for the humor.
"You're right Fabian, she does look pretty odd. Maybe it's because she's not covered in chicken today?" Gideon laughs at his joke and hi-fives his twin.
I roll my eyes. "Ha-ha. Very funny boys."
"Don't worry, she's just suffering a mid-life crisis." Marlene supplied. Alice raised her eyes brows.
"Marlene, Lily is sixteen. Almost seventeen. Mid-life crisis doesn't happen until you're… Well, in the middle of your life. Fifty-ish."
"No, Alice, mid-life crisis is the problem where you need a man and some extra adventure in your life. Doesn't matter when."
"That's not how it works. Anyway, why is everything about men with you?"
The two of them proceed to argue. I eventually tune them out, knowing they'll be over it in a few minutes, and Fabian turns and smirks at me.
"Come on Lily, you know if you need a man-" Gideon continues for him. "-you always have us!"
I laughed and took a bite of my turkey-pesto sandwich. "Yeah, you're all the man I'll ever need." My mouth is full and I look disgusting. The twins don't seem to mind though- they're kidding about being my men. They're practically my brothers- everyone knows we're always there for each other.
"I'm just saying Alice, one of these days you're going to tell him that you fantasize about him in your sleep, and he's going to realize how much he loves you too. It's a fact of nature."
I must have tuned them out a little too long. Once Marlene brings up Frank, Alice gets red in the cheeks and takes a swig of pumpkin juice to excuse her from speaking. Thankfully, no one is listening to them but me now, since Fabian and Gideon have turned to encouraging the shy kid at our table (Hanson Sullivan) to arm wrestling with them. He continues to deny them.
Alice appears grateful that they're not paying attention now, and takes the moment to hiss under her breath at Marlene.
"I swear, if you bring up Frank one more time at the lunch table I will come and poison you in your sleep."
You know, it's always the shy ones who turn out to be most vicious. Alice is living proof. Anyway, events such as these continued during lunch and I finally devoured the last of my sandwich and headed out of the Great Hall.
We walked towards the Grand Staircase, Alice still fuming about Frank and Marlene trying to hide her triumphant grin that Alice hadn't denied she fantasizes about him.
"Well, I'll see you guys later. If I don't go straight to the Library and do that stupid 'Transfiguration Through the Ages' essay, I know I'll never get it done."
I really hate McGonagall for killing me slowly with papers. I said goodbye to Alice and Marlene and walked up the stairs to the Third floor, waiting patiently (Or, however patiently a seventh year red-head named Lily can be. Meaning, I was extremely impatient) for the stairs to change in the right direction.
The door creaked open, and Madam Pince smiled beamingly at me. For whatever reason, I was the one student that she always liked. She and Slughorn could probably host a Lily fan club. Naturally, they'd be the only ones in it. Maybe Potter too.
Ugh- I'd better go. If I don't finish this now, I never will and Alice will poison ME instead of Marlene. Ta-ta.
September 4
6:12 PM
Mood: Perplexed
There are some things Hogwarts never prepares you for. At least, it hasn't yet. When I last wrote, I truly had no idea how little essay writing I would get done. Damn. For once in my life, I'm motivated to do my homework and then ruddy James Potter shows up for a heart-to-heart.
I was just about done with the second inch (Out of seven) when an incessant tapping sound from behind me drove into my unconscious and I became unable to continue writing until it stopped. My pencil broke in half from the frustration exhibited by my clenching hand.
My Head Girl fangs came out so I could make some smart-ass retort.
'Did you know the Library is supposed to be silent?'
'Excuse me, people are trying to work. It would be appreciated if you stopped tapping.'
'Ten points from Slytherin for irritating me.'
Instead, when I whirled around, I came face to face with the back of Potter's head. And what would have been a normal telling-off of the student population quickly turned into the random boiling of my blood.
"Dammit Potter! I'm finally able to sit down and do my homework, can't you leave me alone for once? Just bloody once!"
The dark haired teen turns around, attempting to make his hazel eyes innocent, and quickly handed me his un-broken pencil.
"I'm sorry Lily, I just get thinking too hard sometimes and I don't know I'm doing it."
Why did he have to be all sincere when I was extremely agitated?
"Well, normally anyway. Actually, I just did it to get your attention today."
Is he blushing? He's ruddy blushing. Why? He admits to doing random acts of affection all the time. Why blush now?
"Potter, we have all night to talk. Or did you forget we have patrol and the meeting today?"
"No, no. I didn't forget."
His speechlessness annoys me.
"Well then what do you want? Make it quick before I lose my muse with this essay."
"Look, I want to talk to you. Just for a second."
"Potter! You could have just waited. I don't want to talk right now, I want to write. Goodbye."
He gave me an exasperated look.
"I didn't want to do this, but there seems to be no other way."
He ran a hand through his hair.
"Silencio!"
I opened my mouth to ask what he was on about, but I suddenly found that I was unable to speak. I gave him a withering look, and he summoned my wand.
"Follow me, Evans. Seriously, I'm not going to hurt you. I told you I wanted to talk, and you wouldn't bloody listen so I had no choice. Now shut up and walk with me before I decide to use a hover charm and make you float along after me all day."
If looks could kill, he would be so dead. I unwillingly walked after him, waving a silent goodbye to Madam Pince and hoping she might catch my pleading look. (She didn't. She was too engrossed in reading her book.)
Once we were outside the Library, Potter grabbed hold of my elbow and marched me up the stairs to the seventh floor and stopped outside of our portrait.
"Gurdy root." He muttered to our picture, a centaur with an extra set of arms, and quickly took me inside.
"Sit."
He gestured for me to sit down on our couch. I made a very different gesture at him involving only one finger and he rolled his eyes. He undid the silencing charm and allowed me a few moments to let out a stream of curse words before starting to talk.
"Alright Evans, I saw what went on in potions today."
I gave him a bitter look.
"If you mean Slughorn's hideous jumper, then yes, everyone saw that."
"No. Don't play coy with me. I mean with Snape."
Some unreadable expression crossed his face and he came and sat down besides me.
"Lily, you have to listen to me very closely. There are things out there in the world, right now, growing darker and closer, and Snape is playing a very big part of that. There is a man who call himself the Dark Lord, more commonly known as Voldemort, and he is rising rapidly in power. Snape has allied himself with the greatest and most terrible supporters of that. You have to know, Lily, that Snape's dangerous. You know, don't you?"
I bit my fingernail and spat it out.
"Lily… I know this is hard for you to understand. I know you guys were best friends, but that is gone now. And I know how much he still loves you- I see it in his eyes. But if you go back to spending time with him, friends or more, then what do you expect me to do? You know how I always felt about you. And I don't…"
He was silent for a moment as I chewed over his words.
"…I don't know that I can stand watching him hurt you like that. Breaking your trust and making you his just because you shared a wonderful past."
I don't think I've ever heard James sound so desperate. So sincere.
"James, it is in the past. That's why today was so hard for me. Sev was my best friend. I hate seeing his eyes light up like he enjoys life sometimes and then seeing them fall again because he hangs out with the wrong people, knowing that I can't ever help him stay good. But what do you want me to do? I know I can't be friends with him anymore, and torture myself around him like usual. But you can't sit here and pretend you're much better off then him."
I called him James. He noticed, I could tell by the way he started to smile.
He had really nice teeth. But at my last few words he darkened up a little bit again and his words laced with venom.
"What do you mean, better off? My friends are going to grow up and kill people."
"That's not what I mean. You know what happened, after Severus called me that…that name. I actually could have seen myself forgiving you for all of your wrongs, but then you had to go and ask me out at the worst of times. You were just an immature little boy."
"Not a Death Eater at least."
I sighed. Potter seemed to sense my emotional exhaustion and he ran a hand through his hair.
"Do you want to know the truth?" He asked.
"About what?"
"I asked you out because I was scared that you would never be happy again without Snape. I wanted you to know that I still cared, and that I would… I would give anything to be there for you in whatever way you needed."
"I needed you to be my friend. But you always had a way with asking me out that made it seem like it was only to show me off to all of your friends. It was the last thing I needed that day."
"Is it too late?"
"What do you mean?"
"To be…friends."
"I don't know, Potter. There is a lot of history behind us that I'm not sure how I will act around you."
"I promise, I won't ask you out or let Sirius trip you or anything."
I chuckled. At least I didn't have chicken in my hair anymore.
"We can try. But don't think this is because I feel sorry for you. It's because I think having to patrol with you every single night and go to all of these stupid meetings would be bloody awful. Mainly because I hate you."
"I hate you too."
We laughed.
"Sorry for kidnapping you."
"Sorry for slapping you two years ago."
"…Right. See you at the meeting?"
"See you at the meeting."
Author's Note: There you have it. Chapter Two. Thoughts, comments, suggestions?