The Gang's 2010 New Year's Resolutions
The posse around the table at 11:20 PM on December 31 inside mentor and friend retired Five Star General of the Air Force George S. Hammond's spacious house, waiting for the momentuous once-a year-event in which they'd exist into the new year.
"Well, folks, next year—2010; is arriving right around the corner." George Hammond informed his posse of friends and colleagues gathered around the table. "Everyone well prepared to meet it now?"
"Well, Si—ah, George—I forgot to buy it the proper champagne and cake—you know, the, yadayayda."
"No offense, Jack, but I'm so glad you decided not to fill in for the yadayadayada." Hammon sneered in jest.
"None taken, Old Man." Jack casually reassured his friend.
The 'Old Man' took this with appreciative humor. "Now, Jack, it's a holiday, so I'm gonna let this indiscretionary behavior towards a superior officer slide. But if ya indiscrese again, and yes, it's a Hammond-word, I'm gonna have to write you up. And no, I'm not so senile that I forgot I'm no longer on active duty or reserve duty, so I know I don;t have that authority anymore. I was joking, obviously, folks. "
His friends sitting around him crackled up severely at this quip.
"So, I'd like to hear about everyone's resolutions for 2011. The more realistic, the merrier is what I like to see concerning new Year's Resolutions." General Hammond requested. "So who's gonna be the first bold announcer of their lofty resolutions for what to do or not to do or to do better, etc, etc, etc?
"Maybe you should go first, George." Four-Star Full General O'Neill suggested to the elder general.
"I agree, Uncle George. Illustrious age, in your case, above everything else." Sam Carter backed up her SGC colleague.
*Thank goodness she's not calling me by 'General Hammond' or 'Sir', or, even worse yet, 'General Hammond, Sir'" George thought to himself and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Uh, I hate to mention it, but if we're announcing resolutions in order of seniority, then shouldn't Teal'c take precedence over all others at this table?" Daniel Jackson pointed out for everyone's clarification. "Not to say, Gener-, eurh, George that you're not a wizened esteemed elder among us, of course."
"I technically am 'older' evaluating by number of years lived." Teal'c responded matter-of-factly. "However, my friends, this evaluation does not then imply that I am more wizened in my experiences or that I am more 'mature'." The one nearly-one hundred-years-old Jaffa folded his hands and smiled. "After all, I often do not act my age, but only in jest. My Earthan friends often tell me that to be able to do so is very wonderful, considering the past aspects of the serving and living at the whims of a tyrranical Go'auld. I believe I have used a redundant term, I would like to point out in passing." the Jaffa proudly quipped.
"Well, OK. Thank you for the kind compliments Teal'c. Though I feel I might actually be older than you in this case. All overanalyzing of the implications of the joking aside, I'll choose not to start. I will, however, exchange that privelage for finishing." George rubbed his hands gleefully. "Now, let's hurry and share before since the clock's hands are steadily moving towards Twelve. So let's just just jump right into this hallowed past-time. Just speakout without raising your hands."
"You sure you wanna do it like that that, George? We might use your intended-to-announce New Year's resolution before you get the chance to and you might unfarily seem like you're copycatting." Sam forhtrightly pointed out.
"Ah, naah. This Old Man can think up of New Year's Resolutions like none of you kids can." Hammond confirmed his decision.
"Ooh, ooh, me, me!" Jack decided. "In the past, I've gotten a little too obssessively nuts whenever I've known of, come across or gotten my hands on what I like to call those 'Big Honkin Space Guns' or even those 'Little Chirpin ground-Guns' I'm gonna stop acting so ridiculous about those things. I think our New Year's 2012 celeberation, we should use a high-precision artillery piece to fire out the letters spelling "Happy New Year's" and then the numbers forming the year "2012". That'd be really damned cool, wouldn't it?"
"It's a rather great creative idea, Jack. But you do realize that you broke your pledge inside the same verbal paragraph?
"I-awww, Dope! Double dope! Triple dope!" I really FUBARED up, didn't I?" O'Neill acknowledged in horror.
"You certainly did. Most egregiously O'Neill." Teal'c confirmed for him.
"You're incorrigible, T. Thanks a lot; I was really lookin for someone to call me out on this major FUBAR.
"You are most welcome anytime, O'Neill." Teal'c generously said, bowing his head and forming a lightning-quick grin.
"Would any object if I wish to proceed next in line?" the Jaffa inquired. "Very well, then. I shall commence. I am in the habit of utilizing in my daily speech, perhaps exceedingly formalisticly charcaterised Common Language. I shall attempt to use more informally-characterized speaking patterns. In fact, I will refrain from utilizing my top-ten overly-formal expressions. I so solemnly swear indeed to do so."
General Hammond cracked up so badly he spewed out a stream of champagne. "Tealc'ster, you do realize you've also fouled up, right?"
"I was not... oh goodness; I have stained my honor." He hung his head in deep shame.
"Haha, the T-Man messed up colossal-time" O'Neill chimed in. "I'm not the only one now."
"You too are incorrigible, O'Neill." teal'c shook his head in joking disapproval.
"Me, me, me! I wanna go next. Can I, pretty please?" Sam inquired like a grade-schooler purposely. "Alright. I know that I'm a major science-nerd who makes other, more normal science nerds feel less like science-nerds. Now, for the upcoming year, I promise to stop taking every tangent I can to discuss the scientific principles governing the behavior of the natural world and their engineering applications. Will get interested in more normal stuff more often." She paused to reflect, quite proud o intending to modify her too-constant behavior. "You guys know something? I wonder if everyone in the same timezoen can even agree on when the 'New Year actually is considering they don;t all use the atomic clock. And even then, there'd be a lot of microscale relativistic factors to discern amongst in order to calcualte-"
"Whoa; Carter-gees you just can'[t change that aspect of your personality, can you? Unalterable fundamental programming, maybe?" Jack interrupted, starting to develop a psychologically-induced headache.
"So sorry, Sam. Sucks to walk into a trap like the one you just set." Hammond consoled her while smiling benignly.
"Now, you, Dr. Jackson, are going next, not if's ands, or buts."
"Alright, then. As you all know, I'm an anthropology nerd as bad as Sam's a natural-sceines/engineering ner, or maybe worse. Anyway, I'm gonna stop doing that and do more 'normal-people stuff more frequently for enjoyment." He paused for severl seconds. Pretty bold plan, eh? By the way, it's very interesting to study human cultural perceptions of the upcoming new year from the past. Very often, the new year would be percieved as everything from a gods-procalimed change-timeline segment in human development to an actual spiritual troublemaking entity, specifically in the case of the Chinese-"
"Daniel!" you can stop, because you've contradicted yourself by..." George, Sam, and Jack blurted out in unison.
"Daniel Jackson, you have unfortunately reached the point of your downfall conerning the-"
"Ah, man, shucks! I truly made the same mistake you three did, didn't I? Ooooooh well" he sighed.
"But, General hammond, what's your resolution gonna be? You've heard all of ours. Now we'd like to test you."
"OK, very well. I pledge to not make any New Year's pledges I know there's more than a teeny, tiny percentage of a chance I won't be able to keep. Just that, plain and simple. Looks like the Old Man outsmarted you all. Happy 2011 and I wanna see all of you keep your resolutions for the reminder of the year."