Hi everyone! First of all I'm so sorry for taking forever to update. But as expected, its very difficult to find the time to even proof read my chapters. Only a couple more weeks of classes though, so hopefully I'll be able to get on top of the fic again!

I think I also got discouraged because I've written the same chapter 3 times now (not this one, several ones ahead) But yea - I hope you enjoy! And sorry I couldn't supply a happier chapter after such a long hiatus.

Nathan

No.

No…

This isn't possible.

Edward can't leave. He wouldn't I told myself over and over.

"You're too human for me." His words echoed – the potent stinging feeling in my chest refreshing at every reminder.

I curled into a ball and hugged my knees so tightly into my chest, hoping to ebb my growing nausea. What I was feeling…it all felt so real. My emotions were literally killing me, and I was helpless to stop them. It felt like hours since Edward left me like this, like some discarded toy. I was just an object to him…a feeble excuse for entertainment during the last four months. After all, I was mostly human. I was nothing.

I was a disgrace to my kind. Every day living like a human was just a reminder at my inferiority. Too weak to live with my kind. Too weak to live with the humans …My life this far has been so pathetic, why not die in the same fashion?

How would I die? I wouldn't be able to survive through this. Edward is…no.. Edward was my only reason for living.

He'd become my everything so quickly – it made me so foolishly confident that what we had was permanent. My feelings would never change. I was a creature of love and sex. Falling in love is already uncommon amongst Sidhe – it didn't help that I thrived in an environment of sex not love.

It was strange, my eyes have been open the entire but I wasn't really seeing anything. I was paralyzed in an alternate reality, the only thing I could see was Edward. And then his family…they'd all abandoned me. We could have been together forever…but I was too human for him.

I've always been too human…

I slipped further into my lethargic state until someone was suddenly standing in front of me.

Of course.

How stupid of me? Why hadn't I thought of it earlier? None of this had made any sense to me. Edward would never leave me…Our love was different than love between humans, how could something so intense not be mutual?

This was a dream… Soon enough…I would wake up and Edward would be there next to me.

I had to continually remind myself of this fact so I could force myself to stand up. My body fought me the entire way, everything around me was oddly familiar. It was shockingly real for a dream. I looked around for the figure that was just in front of me. There was a faint sound of the brush and then it disappeared.

It was Edward. He wanted me to follow him.

I ran.

It was just like the other day, my feet carried me at a speed I didn't think was possible. Before I could even register it I was jumping through the forest blindly. The cold rain froze against my skin. With a quick shake of my head I tried to move the damp hairs from my eyes to make my field of vision a bit more clear. I tried to remember what summer felt like, to conjure that inner warmth that made the winter months feel like a warm breeze.

There was no summer ahead of me, the only thing I could think of was the chilling cold of winter.. It was as if no memory existed. But I've seen summer. Felt summer. Why was the warmth avoiding me?

My clatter of their own accord, the frustrating action made it even more difficult to concentrate on my running. Where was I going?

I didn't have time to finish my thought. I lost my footing on something…I didn't even have time to look down but it felt like ice. It wasn't this cold just hours ago, atleast I thought so… I went to take a soaring leap over a particularly large boulder when I slipped on a cleverly hidden patch of ice.

The fall wasn't slow motion like in the movies. It was actually almost instantaneous. Within a second I was on the ground following by a huge flash of white.

The light was temporary…everything slipped into darkness.

"What are we going to do with him?

"Find out what really happened with the leeches."

"They didn't take him with them, he probably doesn't even know."

It wasn't a dream…

A pain seared through my chest like there a knife burrowed deep in my heart. Everything was too real, this pain was too real. I wanted to slip back into my dream world where the pain wasn't so intense. Such an extraordinary sensation had to be physical, but I couldn't feel anything. Only the traumatic pain claiming my insides.

Was I paralyzed? No… Something was holding me down. I couldn't even move enough to cringe away from the pain…Edward… he really left.

I needed to die.

That would be the only way to truly end this.

"He broke the treaty – we're in the right killing him."

"He isn't a bloodsucker dude."

"What is he then?"

I gasped at the stinging sensation that wreaked havoc through my heart as it took a new, more intense turn. No matter what happened Edward would always be there to haunt me, to remind me how despicably human I was. Even with no earthly reminders of him it was as if I'd been branded like some pathetic bovine. That's exactly what I was to him…I was like a pet.

Despite how badly I wanted to die right then and there I knew it wasn't an option. The desire to see Edward one last time was so deeply cut into my soul that I would never be able to truly die without fulfilling that desire. The goddess wouldn't allow it.

Something about me was different though…

I could feel the presence of the people who were talking about it. It was both tactile and ethereal at the same time. They were threatening my life, I could feel it in the tension in their bodies. The desire of it – one of them found pleasure in the idea of killing me.

A sudden image of fangs ripping into my white flesh rode through me. It wasn't the drinking of my blood, these canine fangs wanted more than just blood. Flesh. Flesh and blood. It didn't matter though, there was no wave of here. I could kill whoever these people were without feeling the slightest bit of remorse.

The only thing that mattered was seeing Edward again. Whoever crossed my path risked the wrath of the Sidhe.

"He's awake."

"Jake, go check on him."

I hadn't even opened my eyes yet…but the idea of it felt completely frivolous. I had already seen the room in my mind's eye.

The bonds that kept me immobile were much less menacing than I originally thought though. A faded mauve blanket had been wrapped around me so tightly that I had trouble moving. I had less than a second to take in the information before my field is vision became littered with little black and grey spots. I closed my eyes in a reflex, a roaring pain shot into the side of my head at the slightest movement.

I was running through the forest…why was I running again?

I didn't hear anything…there were no footsteps, but in the doorway was a boy who looked to be from the Qileute reservation. The first thing I noticed that he was just as tall as the other two guys I had seen…

That was when I had somewhere to run to.

I was always safe at the Cullens'

I gasped again, this time the pain wasn't coming from my head.

"Where do you think you're going?" The monstrous boy asked me, an amused grin on his face.

"Leaving." I muttered, standing up, surprised that his grin didn't bother me in the least. I didn't feel much of anything – only the shocking sense of loss.

Unfortunately, there wasn't much bravado in my movement. The second I stood up the room started to spin, everything was spinning and…so blurry. My legs buckled and soon enough I was back on the ground staring at the dusty floorboards. The memories of the passed few days rushed through me in seconds, everything moved so fast that I knew it was something much more powerful than memories. It was a vision.

I watched myself running through the forest…too fast to be human. In fact watching myself it looked absolutely unnatural, as if I was watching some sort of sci-fi film. There were two trucks in front of the Cullens' in the middle of the night, dozens of movers taking everything from paintings to couches from the house into massive U-Haul trucks. I couldn't see any of the Cullens' except for Emmett…why was Emmett mediating the move? It seems like something Esme would do.

If I were to come to the Cullens' Emmett would be the least likely to help me in an act of sympathy. I don't know how I knew this but the information flowed through me freely.

It was all too real. A churning feeling in my stomach came and seconds later I was heaving. I vommitted as if I was trying to expel every bad emotion instead of my breakfast. I winced at the taste of bile and sat there temporarily paralyzed.

"Damnit, he threw up all over the floor." The boy groaned and glared at me.

I barely glanced at the vomit on the floor before standing again, this free of any spinning.. I probably should have apologized – that would be the human thing to do. Technically I was human, but I wouldn't be hindered by that fact anymore. I walked passed him without saying a word – despite his monstrous size I wasn't intimidated – he was utterly insignificant.

There was a certain aura about him though. I couldn't quite place it, but if he were in a crowd there would be something that would stand out…He was a werewolf. Were they as strong as…them?

He made no move to stop me but turned around and watched me – there was another wolf waiting once I reached the corner, this one had both of his hands blocking the doorway. He was different. Physically he was much larger than the rest of them but carried a commanding presence; I wouldn't be able to ignore him so easily.

The throbbing in my head subsided for just a second while I got a glimpse into his past. It wasn't like seeing it even, it was like the information was just being siphoned into me. I just knew. His name was Sam Uley and he was the Alpha of the pack. He was a kind leader btu never really had any sort of duty until I'd passed that line…and now with the leeches gone…

Leeches?

'No. Don't think that.' I repeated over and over to myself.

"Sam." I said, and was mildly shocked at the sound of my voice. It carried an air of superiority and was just as desirable as my mother's voice could be, a skill that I'd never perfected. Even in my monotonous and emotionless tone they would want me. Why bother with illusions anymore?

"I'm leaving." Wishing it to be true, there was no doubt in my mind he would comply with my request.

He didn't.

"Not until you answer some of our questions."

"No."

"You're not human." He growled.

"Neither are you."

All of this seemed so trivial. I wasn't even impatient, just all of this felt so draining and unnecessary. Once again, these people were just an obstacle, this group of them were just slightly less human. In fact, that made it even more tiresome.

"I will leave, with your permission or not." My emotional state remained unmoved throughout my threat, there was no passion in my warning, quite the contrary. My voice mirrored my mood – cold and calculating – and I wasn't bluffing.

He narrowed his eyes and assessed my threat.

"Lets sit." He ushered around the corner, the warm gesture was certainly not genuine.

The décor of the kitchen was surprisingly warm as if it was straight out of a pottery-barn catalogue. Everything was made of wood and seemingly home made. The amount of cabinet and counters pace was impressive for a house this small, and from the looks of it they needed all of it. In the southern end of the kitchen lay a massive kitchen table that was housing several boys; all of which were gorging themselves on eggs – from the smell of it. And every one of them was just as large as the other

Hovering above the stove was a girl who was surprisingly beautiful. I'd only seen the men of the qileute reservation; this girl had similar features, the burnt sienna tint to her skin was accented by the white apron and pastel colors that she chose to wear. I stopped in my tracks for a moment while she began to prepare a meal of epic proportions, and judging from the others eating so freely even that much wouldn't suffice. The joyous atmosphere was quickly broken the second I entered the room.

The woman who I'd just recently been admiring gazed at me in a daze, her eyes were showing no trails of thought; just pure amazement. I looked at the boys and their expressions weren't nearly as neutral, quite the opposite. Their body language became rigid and uncertain, scanning my every feature and movement. I noticed most of them seemed to focus on my eyes which wasn't much of a surprise…I would have continued with an illusion but I knew deep inside that I wouldn't be able to focus…It seems as though I wasn't able to control much of anything.

I took a seat and ignored the earsplitting silence that permeated from the room. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife – all of these adolescent wolves were unleashing murderous glares in my direction but I couldn't bring myself to care one way or the other. They wouldn't fight me, and even if they would, I would win.

The wicker chair was uncomfortable but I just sighed and watched Sam take a seat at the head of the table. The intimidation game continued for about a minute until some of the younger boys started to eye the food around them that was going uneaten and began to slowly cave in.

Sam's lip curled as if he was about to bare his teeth – but his voice came out cool and controlled. "What are you?"

"Irrelevant."

"You agreed to our questions."

"Not quite." I muttered, already regretting my decision.

The younger wolves shifted uncomfortably and the woman seemed equally uncomfortable in my presence. She stiffened looking at one of them specifically as if she could feel a fight only moments away.

"Paul cool yourself.
"Where did the Cullens go?"

His words crushed me. I couldn't save face at the mere mention of them. I physically winced and fought to ignore the aching feeling that churned throughout my stomach and seared my heart. I wasn't sure if they would have noticed the break from my apathetic expression but I couldn't even concern myself with it. The only thing I could think of was the silent reminder of abandonment

'They left you.' A small thought in my head repeated over and over since the epiphany that this was the reality. You would think the pain dulled over time.. but each time it was like a new breed of misery – making me want to curl up and die.

I bit my lip and tried to force the words out as calmly as I could muster "I'm not going to tell you anything about the cullens.."

"Why defend them? They left you." One of them said in a cold and emotionless tone. They didn't need to attack my physically, their words did more damage than they could imagine.

Why indeed? The answer seemed obvious enough even though it was too pathetic to admit. Just because they left me didn't cause any of my love for them to fade. I would protect their secret forever, it was the least that I could do. They'd all given me the best months of my life – I was a creature desiring secrecy, it didn't matter what they'd done I wouldn't take advantage of that trust.

I stood abruptly from the table and watched all of them stand in unison, their postures were set to lunge at the slightest of movements.

I could sense the danger and my body acted accordingly. I remained as still as I could but felt things moving around the room that was beyond any sort of physical senses. It felt like the slightest breeze brushing against your neck; causing the tiny little hairs on the back of my to raise up in protest. There was a faint smell that I couldn't quite recognize trailing through the air, it was reminiscent of something but there was a freshness to it I couldn't place. The wolves seemed to notice it to – the scent carrying from one to the other. I could literally feel the smell…the magic coating each and every one of them. What was about to happen I had no idea…but it probably wasn't going to be good, at least for the wolves.

They all seemed to notice what was about to happen simultaneously – holding an identical expression of panic.

But it was too late.

One by one there was a faint popping sound that took me by surprise. In nearly the blink of an eye there were several of pieces of cloth flying throughout the air, it was hard to tell one from the other because they had all been ripped and mangled beyond identification

Out of the five boys in the room only two were left standing on two legs. The room was filled now with three wolves the size of a large horse were sprawled across the floor, table, and counter. The largest of the three, with a light brown coloring was glaring at me in the same fashion that he had been moments before. I wanted to be surprised. I wanted to feel a paralyzing fear, but I didn't feel any of it. Perhaps the slightest bit of curiosity maybe…But these wolves were no threat to me. In the end they were human – and had a very human approach to 'protecting.' Who or what they were protecting their pack from was beyond me – and I didn't care enough to give it a second thought.

"What have you done?" The leader asked through clenched teeth.

I shrugged "I'm leaving" and with that I maneuvered across the kitchen, avoiding the gargantuan wolves with little difficulty. No one made any movement to stop me. I was grateful for their aiding me after I'd fallen but I couldn't bring myself to thank them. It wouldn't have been genuine, I'm not even sure if I'm capable of any remotely positive emotion anymore…

I opened the door and it creaked loudly in protest .. I took a glance at the house that I'd just made my dramatic exit from, it reminded me of a quintessential farmhouse…just without the farm. It was a faded red with wooden siding decaying at the edges in some places, there was a decrepid orange truck sitting their listlessly. It probably didn't even work.

There was an inkling of nerves once I headed in a random direction. I had no idea where I was going, but my instincts would surely guide me in the right direction. Would the wolves chase after me? Unless they were suicidal they'd leave me alone, it was clear that I neither had anything of use to offer them, and even if I did I would never comply.

I didn't notice how cold it was. It felt like a typical spring day even though it was January – my visible breath was the only inclination that it was indeed still winter in Forks.

It had been four months since I came to Forks. Just long enough that I was beginning to feel that sense of being established, a relief that only exists once you are home. Much of this was due to…

Don't think about him. Don't think about him. I repeated over and over to myself, trying to ignore the churning in my stomach that the thoughts provoked.

I had nothing left in Forks for me. I was going to die soon enough – but there were some things that I needed to do before I died. And that took preparation.

I wasn't prepared to go back into the world of humans. My appearance would be a blatant exhibition of the fact that I was something 'other.' No longer was there the luxury of having illusions to hide my true identity.

My plans needed to be put to a halt temporarily. I didn't have any choice but to go into exile. From what my mother told me as a child exiling ourselves from the human world…and any sort of communication in general was something that most Sidhe went through at least once throughout their existence. There were a lot of reasons. My problems were too complicated for any human to understand – even too difficult for Sidhe to understand. There was no cure to my ailment; my heart would remain broken until the day I died, even if I lived for a thousand years they would be empty and meaningless without years without him by my side

It didn't matter where I went long as I was alone.

The sun had set by the time I returned to my Aunt's house. It didn't feel like home. It was just a vessel for memories, very painful memories at that. The pale yellow siding seemed particular unappetizing. I would have never come back to this house if I didn't have something incredibly important waiting for me. I sighed and walked around from the back to the front where the driveway was empty except for my car. At least I wouldn't have to deal with Clarice.

The stairs creaked with each step; the sound was somehow endearing rather than irritating. I took in every piece of the house on this short trip to my room knowing I would never come back. My love was the only thing that made this rotten place livable. Now that my love was tainted it made this ugly place seem even more vile.

Once I turned the corner into my room I knew that something was different. My eyes scanned carefully at the clothes that had been hanging around my room which were now missing. I wasn't surprised and I knew it wasn't my aunt trying to tidy up. I'd seen it. I knew exactly what Edward was going to do before he even knew it, did that make it easier? No…not really. It hurt just as much – I was just able to save face infront of Edward, atleast the best that I could muster up…

My hand grazed the wooden IKEA desk that sat just outside my door. There was an envelope that I knew hadn't been there before, my heart fluttered, it had to be from Edward.

The flighty sensation was temporary at best – once I picked up the letter I saw 'Brown University' written in a clear typefont with dark blue lettering. There was a crest at the end, why had Brown mailed me? I had no intention of going to university, from the moment I stepped into high school I knew that I had a career waiting for me wherever I went. I didn't need a degree to get a job.

Clarice must have dropped it here assuming that it was for me. Something lead me to open the letter, maybe it was curiosity, Sidhe are naturally curious creatures.

"Dear Mr. Ayres,

Congratulations on your admission to Brown University, class of 2011! It It gives me great pleasure to offer you this opportunity, and to show that your hard work and ambitions have lead you to this moment…."

I never applied anywhere…how could I receive an acceptance letter from any university; let alone Ivy league one? They also used my real name…no one in Forks knew me as anything other than Nathan Aldan…

He couldn't have.

We never even discussed university plans, I hadn't considered any other possibility except continuing on with the Cullens wherever they went. University just seemed so trivial, they'd all gone through it numerous times before.

He had other plans…

The pain returned with a force even more potent than the day he left. The sheer power of it dropped me to my knees, slowly squeezing the sobs from me. I couldn't ignore the memory of him for very long; whenever my mind finally caught up with me it punished me ruthlessly, unleashing a plethora of mixed images that made me want to die seven times over. His beautiful face…the touch of his skin against me. I always felt so safe in his presence…Edward was infinitely patient and tender with me when we were together. Whenever there was even the remote possibility that I would be upset he would beg me to confide in him. Usually I dismissed it, but now more than ever I wished that he was here so he could hear my every thought.

He wasn't here though. All of this was my fault…I ruined the one good thing in my life.

"Why?" I sobbed quietly to myself on the floor. I was curled up in the fetal position again with vain hope that putting pressure onto my chest would help ease the pain.

After I'd spent far too long on the floor crying I eventually forced myself to get up and gather my things. The only reason that I had the strength to get this far was the constant reminder that I would be dead soon enough and there would be only a temporary pain which would be a quick reminder of how very mortal I still was.

I eyed my closet hesitantly, out of all of my earthly possessions here the only ones that truly mattered were placed in there with the utmost care. Because I'd seen Edward taking all of the things that could possibly remind me of him much earlier than was natural I had time to prepare and ensure that he wouldn't succeed. As much as I'd wanted to I knew I couldn't hide everything from him, even under the magical guise I'd placed these items in he would have realized something was off.

The ample time that I was given gave me the time to prepare a very specific illusion on the small wooden box. Retrieving it from its hiding place I went back to my bed…afraid to see the contents…or more specifically afraid to feel whatever emotions they may project. I had no choice but to guard this, I knew he would want the necklace he'd given me for Christmas but it was something that I couldn't part with. It belonged next to my heart…right next to the place that Edward had taken. It was a part of me now, for better or worse…I knew Edward had looked for it, but thankfully the illusion made him ignore it and focus on more frivolous things.

My hands hovered over the dilapidated container and slowly opened it. I stared wide-eyed at the necklace and remembered that day and the emotions that ran through me. Funny how the happiest emotions now provoked the deepest states of misery. I took the necklace and clasped it around my neck. The cold silver made me feel like jumping before it gradually warmed against my skin…reminding me of Edward's skin grazing mine.

This brought on a new onslaught of before I was capable of taking ta few necessities to travel. I packed my passport, a tshirt, my wallet, and cell phone in a small white duffle bag.

I stopped mid-action and prepared myself for a vision. It was almost like a hiccup, you could feel the buildup but you were never quite sure when it would actually surface.

There wasn't much time before this vision came.

A black Mercedes pulled into the driveway of my aunt's house. It had an implication of luxury that was sure to draw attention from the townies of Forks. It waited patiently for several minutes until someone walked out of the house. The boy was shockingly attractive. Even with a stoic demeanor everything he looked flawless – there was a pale lure to his skin that was similar to a vampire's, but it was more illuminating than theirs it.

Looking into his eyes it was completely cold and devoid of life… and yet the brilliant color of them made it look like he could ignite you with a single glance.

Was that me…?

I didn't look the same. It never occurred to me that I hadn't looked into a mirror since all of this – I guess I didn't have to now. A car would be here in a couple of minutes …maybe it was already here. It was probably my mother…normally I would have been irritated by her controlling tendencies but it didn't matter anymore. I was as good as dead; may as well go where fate takes me.