6

When it came right down to the hard cold truth of the matter, as much as Robin detested the idea of a church devoted to his girlfriend, there was nothing he could do to stop it without making a big public scene even bigger. More and more, he took time out from what little leisure he did allow himself to spend time on the phone yelling at various people. Raven was personally sure that half of those calls involved Batman yelling just as angrily right back, and given the circumstances accorded their leader a bit more leeway than usual for being grumpy and short with his words. It didn't affect their performance in battle any, of course. They were far too professional by now to let things like this put their lives or the mission at risk. But one interesting side effect was that Raven noticed Starfire and Robin making out quite a bit less. This only met with her approval, since in her opinion they'd been getting far too comfortable with PDAs lately. If their relationship was to last, it would have to weather things like this, anyway. And if it didn't? Well, they'd go back to being friends again and things would return to 'normal.' There was a small selfish part of Raven that wanted the second thing to happen. So she'd feel less self-conscious about Cyborg and Beast Boy hitting on women, but not on her. So she'd stop thinking about Malchior so much. But she knew herself well enough by now to acknowledge that self-centered motive and then discard it as pointless.

The Church of Starfire did get built, but the Titans relaxed a little the more they watched the process. Everyone had had fears of some deranged out of control cult. They'd been worried about blood rites and sacrifices and brainwashing, and people prostrating themselves wherever the Titans went. The actual church turned out to be far more mundane than that, and not remotely villainous. Not evil, just... weird, in a tabloid sort of way. Several zoning issues caused the church to eventually be placed on a squeezed spot between a shoe shop and a fellowship house for troubled youth. There wasn't much room for fancy decorating in the space. Made of plain brick of brown and tan with off-white window and door furnishings, it looked more like a poorly-funded fitness center than a church, although they had tried very hard to manage a proper steeple with what room they had to work with. There were only two floors. The pearly letters just above the door said CHURCH OF STARFIRE, along with the service times, but they could have just as easily advertised anything else. While there were a number of others willing to follow Ms. Ashton in her unique madness, it was obvious that far fewer were willing to give of their bank accounts to make the dream come true. The media initially loved it unto death, of course, but once they figured out it wasn't getting enough popular local support to compete with 'real' churches, coverage of it dwindled. Many of those that Ms. Ashton had hoped to convert stayed with their old church. There were plenty of people around the globe who professed their faith in the Church of Starfire, but most seemed to do it at least half-jokingly, and there were no significant numbers making a pilgrimage to join.

Ms. Ashton was nominated to become the pastor of the new thirty member church (Raven knew that Robin had eerily managed to memorize the entire membership list, including middle names), and surprisingly refused. Her official explanation was that she didn't believe a woman should be in charge of a church, which seemed an odd belief to pair with near-worship of Starfire, but Raven wasn't one to know how a Christian fundamentalist's mind worked. Instead, an elderly balding man who talked slowly and had a vague but genuine smile permanently attached to his drooping face stepped up to the job. Only a few sentences of analyzing his vocal skills had Raven and everyone else quite at ease; while he had the firm conviction of true belief, he was utterly out of touch with anything that had happened since the seventies, and didn't seem inclined towards fiery rhetoric. It seemed rather likely that Ms. Ashton had allowed him to become pastor so that she could tug his strings behind the scenes without offending her sensibilities, not that she would have thought of it that way.

The Titans were invited to the first service. There was a length debate about whether attending would be seen as a stamp of approval or not. They settled on a compromise, with Robin and Beast Boy staying home, while Raven, Cyborg, and of course Starfire went along. No formal clothes this time, to make the distinct point that they didn't consider the Church of Starfire a 'real' church. Cyborg was also instructed to give Ms. Ashton and the pastor a long, careful talk afterwards about exactly which lines were push-able and which were not to be crossed under peril of lightning-fast legal action. It was Robin's hope that the words would be taken more seriously coming from a fellow Christian, as it were.

Normal cheap plastic and aluminum chairs and bland carpeting were the main sights at that service. There was a fundraiser going around to create a proper stained glass window of Starfire, but in the meantime, all that was in the spot behind the pulpit was a taped up piece of paper with a drawn diagram of how the glass would look. It was actually a rather beautiful drawing, and Raven felt wistful on seeing it, though she knew how crazy a reaction that was. People saw Starfire as gorgeous and near-divine, and presented her as such. It wasn't a huge leap to see her that way. Meanwhile, people like herself... a daughter of the devil could only hope for lack of attention, at best. That gray skin and modest haircut didn't do anything for her. It was hard not to pull her hood up, but at least people didn't stare at her too obviously. One old man did ask about the chakra, implying something demonic about Eastern religions and reincarnation, but Raven pointedly ignored the remark and he was shushed sharply by his wife.

There were a few members who weren't old, but most were middle-aged or older. It wasn't so much that the younger generations weren't inclined towards idolatry, Raven thought, than it was that they preferred to express that sentiment differently. The Titans had all seen the lewd pictures on the internet, the illicit scribblings of made up adventures and romantic liaisons, the intricate reports on every time a Titan so much as twitched in public. Some Titans had seen a good bit more than others. Raven happened to know that Beast Boy had spent a probably unhealthy amount of hours looking at risque material devoted to the team, until one day he'd apparently come across something concerning Terra. Then he'd just stopped, as suddenly as a book slamming shut, and he'd remained sour for almost a week afterwards. She'd never dared to ask him for details. It wasn't her concern, anyway. People were ridiculous, and would always do ridiculous things.

Whereas Cyborg and Starfire attended with enthusiasm to devote to meeting people and trying to impress upon the world the essential mundanity of the Titans, Raven was more interested in the accompanying rituals. The Church of Starfire's trappings of faith weren't much different from the originating one's, save for being much more restricted in terms of people, space, and financial support. The prayer was longer, the songs slower, in keeping with the more traditional and formal tastes of the congregation. The sermon's message was a little irritatingly uninformative and full of celebratory words about the establishment of the church. The vague self-involvement of it made Raven wonder if they had any concrete beliefs or spiritual statements to begin with, and if the lack would be better or worse. She wanted to read Ms. Ashton's mind, find out why she was doing this... try to understand what seemingly could not be understood. The joys and solemnities of these people were things she felt barred from, like the true alien visitor she was. But the thought of such a violation in such a place, meant to be holy by the intentions of the founders whether it succeeded in that or not, filled her with shame, and she refrained from abusing her powers.

Cyborg and Starfire had no such troubles looking right at home. It made her wistful.

Because it was a much smaller and closer gathering than the norm, people were very slowly to leave after the service ended, and the presence of the Titans surely didn't help speed things along. Everyone seemed to want to say 'Bless you,' to Starfire. Raven was unsure exactly what kind of blessing they meant to impart, but it seemed very important to them that they each get the chance to say it. Starfire thrived under the attention, taking every care to be friendly and welcoming while not actually expressing agreement with their views of her spiritual nature.

No one paid any attention to Raven or Cyborg.

Gradually drifting to doors and then outside, Raven thought over how expressive Malchior had been in his flattery. How he'd made her feel beautiful and special and wanted. As though she'd given meaning to his life. As though she'd had meaning of her own to impart to begin with. And she considered how Starfire, ever the social butterfly, had to love having all this attention, even if the motives behind it were more than a little off the wall. There, too, was the matter of Robin, and how he'd taken so poorly to this whole thing. He hadn't liked it when Red X had flirted with Starfire, either, just as Starfire had developed a distaste for Kitten. Maybe love and faith did intersect somewhat. Certainly in the matter of possessiveness... how many times had she heard, on the news, about some group or other stirring up a fuss over the violation of the holiness of THEIR god, who was not at all like the foreigners' god? Spiritual or romantic, you respected that relationship or you defiled it. There was no in-between.

She hated that no one had paid attention to her.

Closing her eyes and leaning against that cold, rough brick surface and listening to traffic go by, she imagined what it would be like, to have these foolish grandparents and retirees think her an angel. Raven thought about how easy it was to manipulate people if you just didn't care about their wellbeing, and how infuriatingly prone they were to doing the wrong thing even when you were trying to take care of them. Just like sheep. They were just like sheep. Idiots. She could have them all groveling at her feet if she truly wanted it. She could wrap them all in darkness and glare red and laugh at their screams and tears. All this time, she'd lived the life of a normal teenager as best she could, like some cast aside wastrel, when she could have had the world eating from her hand. Or at least a goodly portion of the world. She wanted to believe it was some remnant of her cursed father in her that made her think such things. But she knew it wasn't. She knew that after all this time, after giving so much, and seeing people still being so... so themselves... she was tired and frustrated and wanted something back out of it. It wasn't as hard as it had been, now, to visualize the temptation of turning to selfish ways, and using her powers to take what could be taken and crumble the weak under her heel. Really, people like Slade and Trigon and Brother Blood were somewhat sympathetic, if only because they had a level of simple intelligence that the masses seemed to lack so utterly. They were evil, but they weren't shallow. They set their sights on goals and achieved them, and weren't deluded by superficial things. Not like these stupid people, who only thought of bad ideas and only got even those things just half done.

Feeling sour and bitter and disliking herself for it, Raven checked back inside. Everything seemed to be under control. She murmured to Cyborg that she was going to head off, and he nodded and waved while continuing his loud argument with the pastor on whether homosexuality was a sin or not. Raven didn't listen long enough to tell which side he was on. Strife came to them often enough that looking for it was foolishness. Wanting to burn a little of the gloom out of herself, she decided to walk part of the way back on the sidewalks. She could always teleport or fly when she got sick of being on the ground, or if an alert came in on the communicator.

Pulling up her hood on the way back made her feel a little better, but not completely back to her old self. The general weariness and disgust wouldn't leave her. Of all the things in the world to consider holy, why Starfire? Of course she knew the answer. Starfire was the kind of girl people imagined. Curved, flaunting her beauty without meaning to, just a little vulnerable and innocent to the ways of the world while still being able to take care of herself. And wholly goodhearted. Raven couldn't even pretend to be anything other than an irritable bookworm. There were no sarcastic, quiet, practical people in the romantic comedies. A no-nonsense attitude killed the happy ending vibe. Or something.

Ugh, humans.

Highly aware of how borderline racist and megalomaniacal her thoughts were turning out to be, Raven tried an experiment. One she hadn't really expected to try, but not one she had any particular aversion to. When you didn't like yourself, it was time for a change. And there was no point in scolding others for their behavior if you didn't know what it entailed to start with. So Raven tried a little prayer to whatever deities might exist, eyes half-shut so everything was a blur, her strides slowing to an automatic bumpless repetition that had her moving along as evenly as a telekinetic float.

'Just in case You do exist in either singular or plural, I want to be clear, this is not going to be a regular thing,' she first thought, then mentally winced, wishing she could take the thought back. That was brazen and sarcastic. No way to talk to even one of the supposedly petty minor deities, let alone a Christianity level all-powerful monotheistic one. 'Sorry. I'm used to being sarcastic. But if You exist and had a part in my existing too, then I guess You'd know that, wouldn't you?' It seemed strange to attribute her being here to anything divine. She was too used to blaming the wicked. But that was no more a contradiction than the fact that normal people gave thanks to a God for live even though they had two mortal parents, really. In her case, contrast was just a little greater, so... argh. She had to stop thinking in the middle of this. This was a prayer! Supposed to be, anyway. 'I just want to say, since I've never bothered before, thank You for all my friends. I don't know if I love the world like Starfire does. But I love my friends, even if I can't tell them that much. And I'm glad I'm here with them, and I hope You'll let me stay with them for a long time to come.' It was easier now, to concentrate on the parts of her life she liked, once she started really sorting through all the memories of her times with the team. Being a hero. Saving her teammates and being saved by them. Sharing little delicate moments of intimacy and humor, so much more private and fragile than the stone-hard, burningly open passions of the religious. 'And thank you for letting me meet Melvin, Teether and Timmy. It was amazing, finding out Bobby was real. We still don't know how that's possible. There's so many mysteries in the world and I get jaded sometimes and don't stop to wonder, and I apologize for that.'

Raven had meant to say more, but crossing the street jumbled up her thoughts. Truck horns were too loud, she'd always thought that, but never more so than now. She couldn't think of what else there was to say. What could one person possibly say to the divine? What words could someone like her, an orphaned thing given powers by accursed genetics and embraced in a family by sheer luck, ever give to a superior being that would ever have any significant meaning? For all her attempts to improve herself, for all her reading and meditation and mastery of magic, she still felt like she'd accomplished nothing at all. Maybe that was just the universe's way of making sure she used her powers instead of sitting on them lazily. It was important that she used them, she knew now, though her older self would have disagreed strongly. Those who had powers others didn't were obligated to use them. Not because they were better. The fact that she'd been sired from a demon hadn't been her choice and hadn't defined her moral structure. No, she was just luckier, in a twisted sort of way. Her curse had come with a gift attached, and neglecting that was selfish and self-absorbed. Maybe she didn't like doing things like going to churches and interacting with people like this, but that was part of being a hero. And it was a life she wouldn't trade for anything save maybe the love and safety of her friends. Excepting Beast Boy, of course!

...no, that wasn't right. Joking like that even silently just felt wrong, after everything else. She'd grown beyond that by now. Beast Boy meant the world to her, even if they annoyed each other dreadfully. If pressed to it, he'd express the same sentiment, and immediately make a very bad joke afterwards that she might be forced to smack him for. Their routine had become honed to the point of being close to slapstick.

She flew the rest of the way home then, taking the time to really look down at the world and appreciate all the little details that made up Jump City. All the work that had gone into designing and erecting the steel and stone buildings. The trees and shrubs and decorative flowerbeds, still green despite the lack of rain lately. The fact that there were no visible crimes occurring, and there was no one who could appreciate something like that quite like a vigilante hero could. The birds perched in trees, along wires, or soaring through the air like her. It was a good world. All the more so for being one freed of her father's dark designs. Not a perfect world, but she was, overall, rather content with it. Especially her little part of it.

Raven was always one to feel small, though she imagined that from someone down on the ground, she might look important and interesting. Perhaps the level of holiness in something differed depending on the onlooker's location. To an ant, wouldn't a human seem like a god? And to her, Trigon had seemed... well, magnificent, in a horrible way, until she'd found the strength to stand up to him. These things perhaps had more variability than people wanted to give them. Then again, maybe she was just a cynical and blasphemous half-demon, what did she know?

When she dropped in on the tower roof, Beast Boy was there, doing... something... with a plastic Nativity scene set and some of their old Christmas lights.

"Not even going to ask."

"That's prob'ly for the best," he replied with a chuckle, before looking up at her. "Hey. Your cheeks are red."

"Probably from the cold air," she explained unconcernedly, heading for the stairs.

"Don't see you blush much. Looks cute," he added, turning back to his little whatever it was. The shapeshifter didn't appear to mean anything by it. Just another thoughtless comment from an impulsive person.

Raven blinked in surprise, and went down the stairs a little slower than she otherwise might have. It was just one compliment. It meant nothing and had no intention or purpose behind it. Nonetheless, it was convenient timing, to come after she'd been so disheartened by everyone's interest in Starfire. She thought about asking Beast Boy what his idea of an angel would look like, but then figured it not worth the bother. He'd probably just say something silly, like a giant flying furball with a dolphin's voice and a lion's head and a wolverine's musk smell, or something like that. She was probably talking to him too much as it was, getting ideas like that.

There was probably, Raven had to admit, no God. Not in the sense monotheistic religions meant. It was simply an unlikely idea. But if there was, then she certainly appreciated the subtlety. It put a smile on her face, damned to hell though she'd be before she'd admit to it.