Chapter 19

The next few months passed slowly, painfully and hazardously by for Lily. She was numb to the outside world. She followed Gemma, did what she did, and did what she told her to. She went to Slug Club meetings and Quidditch games but had perpetually lost that gleam in her eye that showed the world she cared. She did care though, for others, she tried to help, but the only time the cold dulling pain of James betrayal lessened was at 8:04 when a searing red hot pain replaced it.

It haunted her every day, the fact that some unknown strength was taking over her body. Slowly, but surely. Arameo hadn't grown much, not anywhere near matching the ratio of the length and growth before. His web had dominated her face, true. But his domain ended at her hip, only a few straggling strand reaching down her leg. It was the attacks that grew worse. The feeling of a knife before was now replaced with one of a chainsaw.

That wasn't all that haunted her. There was James; which was a whole other story. She wanted to be pissed. She was pissed, but more she was scared. She didn't know anything anymore. She couldn't separate fact from fiction. Truth from Lies. Love from Hate.

She just didn't know anymore.

James watched Lily from a distance. She seemed physically smaller. As if his mistake had literally cropped her down.

That hurt him more than anyone would ever guess.

The words that Lily had screamed to him echoed almost as loud as the words he had told the others about Constance. Every day. He remembered, tried to picture what insane excuse had given him excuse to hurt her this badly.

He couldn't come up with any.

This was bad enough without everyone else asking as well.

"Lily eat." Gemma said a hint of desperation in her voice.

Lily opened her mouth several times, revolted at the thought of food. Arameo was impatient, like her was waiting for something; what Lily had no idea. But it hurt, bad. It was like that first pain Attack ever, except all the time. She shook her head and wiped her eyes, tipping back in her chair crowding away from the usually appetizing food.

"Lily please." Gemma said, freaking out. Here it was, well into December and Lily still hadn't recovered. She hadn't expected Lily to be completely stable yet, not with Arameo and James, but she hadn't expected her to be this bad. She only ate when forced, never smiled, tear marks where constantly on her face; she grew paler every day and was sinking deeper and deeper. Arameo was hurting, Gemma could tell, every once in a while a red spot would race along the currents of the web, burning Lily in the process. At first this had openly hurt her, she'd wince and drop whatever she had been holding, but lately burnt or not, she was always in pain.

And so was James.

Every time Lily cried when she thought no one could hear her, every time she cried when she knew people could hear her. Every time, Gemma made sure James had some effect on him from it. He was NOT forgiven. It was important he remembered that.

Gemma sat back up and tried to make Lily eat again.

"Come on mate relax a bite. It's almost Christmas."

James dragged his head out from his hands to look at Sirius. He was sitting next to him at the table that included all the Marauders. It was the usual scene lately; James diligently doing his work or just reminiscing his mistakes, Lupin also doing his work but being quite confused at Prongs behavior, Peter looking nervous as always, and Sirius trying to cheer them up with no response.

"Sorry Paddy, I'm just a bit down today."

"Today? More like this part of the year. It's been over a month. Get over it."

"It's not that simple."

"Yes it is. So what? You made one mistake, you'll get over it."

"It's not me I'm worried about."

"Oh right, it's Lily."

James yanked his eyes from the frosty window back to Padfoot. He studied his face for several moments, when he finally responded there was steel in his voice;

"And what exactly is that suppose to mean?"

Now even Lupin looked up at them, panic registering in his wolf brown eyes at the scene in front of him; Prongs looking up at Padfoot with anger in his eyes, Padfoot looking back with a sturdy indignation. Right now it didn't seem like much, but with these two, things could escalate badly. And quickly.

"Hey guys lets calm a bit" he said quickly, they, of course, ignored him.

"I think you know what I mean Prongsie. "

James slowly put down his quill. "I don't believe I do."

"Stop lying." Padfoot said sliding to the tip of his seat to get as close to James as possible over the table. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. It's her, it's always her. It's always been her to you. Guess what? It's never been you to her."

"You don't know what you're talking about-"

"Don't I? Think about James, you've been trying to get her since we were 11. She hated you remember? And guess what else? She hates you now too."

Those words stung. James forced the lump in his throat back to his stomach so he could talk.

"She hated me then because she didn't know me. She hates me now because I've been such a horrible person to her. Wretched. Worse than Wretched. I broke her heart, not broke, I ripped it out and wacked it with a Quidditch bat until it was in splinters that I then threw at her!"

The lump crept back up. Padfoot sat back again, shocked at Prongs' reaction.

"She trusted me. Trusted me when she couldn't bear to tell anyone else. I tossed that aside. You know what I told you about her secret? Well apparently I was the first she's told in nearly 5 years."

He sat back to; they all sat in that uncomfortable silence, watching James slowly regains control over his breathing.

"It was so amazing when she'd talk to me. When she came to my house. I pulled her in the pool. We slept out under the stars on the grass with all these blankets. Her head was right next to me, I played with her hair but I don't think she noticed." James eyes had gone completely vacant, not in the empty way they had been, but in a pleasant way, he was remembering something happier. "The next day we went around Godric's Hollow. Playing and laughing at Tyler's lame jokes. I showed her everything. The church the graveyard everything. She seemed totally at home. That night we stayed up watching movies until mum made us go to bed. But it was a full moon and I felt bad for making Moody transform alone, so I couldn't sleep. I went down stairs, Lily and Gemma had slept in the living room. Call me a stalker, but I just looked at her for a little, amazed at how well she just fit in with us, fit in with me….

Eventually I tore myself away and went outside. I went into the garden, it was pretty, and the last of the flowers were in bloom you see." He was speaking to himself more than anyone now. Feeling that if he said it out loud it would be more real. . "I was just looking up at the moon and feeling guilty for ditching moody and frustrated that Sirius didn't come with and just at everything… Voldemort, demetors all that other crap that's been going on. I was just thinking it couldn't be fixed and then she came out. And it was. Everything was better. I was startled at first but, she was just so pretty, she's beautiful… even more than that. Exquisite. Amazing. My vocabulary isn't even broad enough to find the word that fits right. She's…" He shook his head, his eyes misting his glasses. "I think I'm in love with her." He smiled a little immaturely, putting his head down. Peter seemed confused. Lupin looked shell-shocked, like he couldn't tell up from down any more. Prongs was the goof off along with Sirius… Did he really feel like that? Was he really capable of feeling like that? As confused as he was, he wasn't near as confused as Sirius, who was looking back and forth between Moody and Prongs, as if expecting someone to yell GOTCHA!

They didn't

Slowly James spoke again, his tone giving away what his hidden face didn't.

It was amazing, when we got back to the castle she sat with me at breakfast, laughed at my jokes, helped me with homework; she actually seemed to… like me a little.

"Then that freaking attack at her window threw everyone off guard. I stayed up all night watching her dot on the Map to make sure she was ok and no one else was near. I'd slow down or speed up in the hall to make sure she was ok. She seemed to be, but something was wrong. But I didn't know what, I still don't know. I think she was going to tell me when-"

His words cut off again. He breathed for several seconds. "I'm such an Idiot. It was amazing when she was here, then-"He took deep breaths that shock his whole body. "Then she left. I made her leave. It was my fault. All. My. Fault."

He looked back up into Sirius's face again. The venom returning to his tongue. "So yeah Padfoot. It's her. It's always her, it is her, and it will always be her. No matter what happened. She's what matters. She can hate me. It serves me right. I deserve it; Gemma can't curse me hard enough to make things even. I can't hurt myself enough to take it back. So yeah. It's Lily."

James pushed his chair back, collected his books and left, pulling the map out of his pocket as he walked away.

Ok! What you're feeling? Right now? Right as you finished reading? TELL ME ABOUT IT! REVIEW REVIEW! I tried really hard to make this piece emotional and still show James's side of the story. I really need to know who I did. Sorry if I got it wrong. One thing that's funny is I thought this would be the shortest chapter yet, then I decided to go into James and Sirius and bit… then I didn't really stop…. REVIEW SIRIUSLY PEOPLE!

~LIZIES~