Disclaimer: All recognizable SVU Characters belong to Dick Wolf

The chapter posted right after this one will go a little further into Detective Benson's character. Then following chapters will look into her past. Later Chapters will pick up where this chapter leave's off.

~Memories~

Olivia stepped out of the cab, having already paid the driver, and shut the door behind her. It was early November and though unseasonably warm it was still just about freezing outside. In her rush to leave Olivia had forgotten her coat, she had never really minded the cold as she was normally very warm herself, but non the less she tucked her hands in her pockets to keep them warm. The house in front of her was still well kept everything about it was grand yet tasteful, exactly as it had been when Olivia had last visited Cabot Place with Alex… Except that for the first time ever there wasn't a single light on, in or around the house. Olivia bit her lip as she searched every window; she almost expected to see the ghost of a memory in one of them.

Finally she made her way around to the side of the house and then to the back where she knew a spare key was hidden. To Olivia's surprise, back door light was on. No doubt left that way by whoever was hired to look after the mansion while it went unoccupied. Still, the light brought the first glimmer of comfort to the lonely woman, she was glad the place was being looked after. Tipping over a small pot of soil Olivia found the spare key she knew was buried there, just for her, years ago… Smiling at he key nostalgically she thought of how many times it had been her saving grace. Things didn't feel so different now as they were when she was just a screwed up young girl. Olivia sighed as she opened the back door and wiped her soiled hands on her pants… This was still her sanctuary.

Cabot place must have been a good thirty years old now, but even in the moonlight Olivia could see that it still sparkled like new, just as it did the first day she set foot in it. She made her way though the kitchen and walked down the foyer towards the front of the small mansion. The moon was bright and the sharp eyes Detective could easily see everything around her, still she let her fingers graze everything she passed. She kept glancing down at the marble floor as she walked. She had always loved the way it glittered slightly, and to this day, despite all the court houses and government building she had been in, it was still the shiniest floor she had ever seen.

A strange feeling came over Olivia as she reached the curving staircase by the front door. The runner gleamed white in the moon light and she could clearly remember the first time she had gone up those stares, feeling lost and out of place. But now, oh, now she was home! Olivia's eyes misted over and she found herself flying up the steps, down the hall, and into Alexandra's old bedroom.

The room, like all the rest, was exactly how it always had been: The pretty suite of a mature little lady, nearly as big as Olivia whole apartment, and just as nice. Sitting on the bed Olivia looked around and smiled in spite of the ever-growing tightness in her chest. This room suited Alex to a T… Everything about it was Alex. It even smelled faintly of vanilla. A curious thought came over Olivia as she lay her head down on the soft mound of silky pillows that sat at the head of the sumptuous king sized bed: Did this room smell like Vanilla because that was always Alex's favorite sent? Or was Vanilla Alex's favorite sent because that is what her room had always smelled like?

" God… " Olivia let out a quivering breath, pressing her cheek deep into the pillow. She missed this place, she missed Calvin, and she missed Alex… Oh god how she missed her! Things had slowly fallen apart before Olivia's girlfriend had gone off to Africa. Wait, make that Ex Girlfriend… But that didn't change the fact that Alex had been the only source of constancy and comfort in her life, until she left. Olivia had learned to trust in Alex's friendship and love with everything she had. She let Alex in… For what?... Nothing ever lasted, no one ever stayed. Work had only confirmed that. No one could ever be trusted. There was no such thing as safe… She had been stupid to trust Alex. Now Olivia knew, the only reason she had done so in the first place was because there was no one else to trust… But surly, it couldn't all have been a lie. Alex must have truly loved her once…

Alex in all her confidence had almost always seemed unsure of Olivia, bewildered by her. After all aside from having sharp wits and strong convictions, the two could not have been more different. Alex's friendship had brought so much light and clarity into Olivia's life but the former could never quite handle the darkness that still lived deep within Olivia. She knew it was there, she saw it, understood it, but it had always frightened her. Olivia felt deeper than anyone had had ever known, but Alex had never been good with feelings She tried, because she cared, because she was a good person, because she knew she loved Olivia and was all she had. But After all those years nothing had changed. Alex and Olivia where nearly as close as two people could be: They shared themselves, mind and body, but logical Alexandra Cabot had never known how to let her heart and soul guide her, and with out that she felt like there was a part of Olivia that would always be beyond her comprehension…and Alex couldn't take it any longer.

So when the offer to leave the continent arose, Alex took it. It broke her heart to leave the woman she had shared her life with all these years, but again, logic won out: She and her girlfriend had reached a dead end. Besides, Olivia was no longer the troubled, broken girl she had once been. She had grown into a Strong, confident, independent woman. Olivia could take care of herself; she would be okay in the end… Or at least that was what Alex told herself.

Olivia's eyes burned with ever-present tears but she couldn't bear to lay there idle any more, she had to do something… Reaching over Olivia picked the phone off of the nightstand and dialed the long distance number she knew by heart. The call took a long time to go through, and even then it would only be luck if the connection stayed… Olivia ran an apprehensive and though her hair and let out deep breath. She just wanted to hear Alexandra's voice…

"Mia!" An excited voice crackled on the other end of the line

Olivia swallowed hard, but the unexpected greeting helped to take the edge off of her emotions.

"No… Its Olivia" Was Alex expecting a call from her cousin?

"Olivia?... But the number… What are you doing at the house?" Alex's voice was all suspicion.

"I came to visit. I didn't think you would mind"

"I don't mind. How is Mia?"

"Mia?... I don't know. I haven't spoken to her since before you left." Olivia's eyes darted around the room this conversation was turning out to be a bit more confusing than she had anticipated

"You haven't, why?" Alex's voice was almost accusing

"Alex, she is your cousin… I didn't want to put her in an awkward position."

"Okay, I just thought you would have wanted to keep in touch with her."

"I do " Olivia's fingers found their way to the two gold chains she wore around her neck. "… Alex, I didn't call to argue."

"Why did you Call Olivia?"

"I… I just wanted to talk to you" Her lip quivered as she willed her voice to stay steady.

"I can't do this… " Alex sighed.

"You can't talk to me?"

"No, Olivia… It won't do either of us any good…"

Olivia said nothing, she didn't trust herself to. So Alex continued gently but firmly.

"You know there's someone else."

"Yes… I'm sorry for you then. Take care" And with that Olivia hug up the phone.

The cool tone Alex had used during there brief conversation cut an already wounded heart to its very core. Olivia's fingers gripped the small round pendant that hung around her neck (the one Alex had given her). With one swift yank she snapped it off of her neck and flung it across the room. She did her best to blink back hot tears, but it was no use, she shut her eyes and let them fall. Olivia had rapped her arms around herself, she felt incredibly cold on the warm bed and, like a dejected child, she longed for someone to cling to But once again there was no one.

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