Disclaimer: All recognizeable SVU characters belong to Dick Wolf
~ Fine Line~
After a minute or so Olivia forced herself to focus. She took a couple of deep breaths and willed herself to stop crying. She feared that if she didn't, she might fall into a pit of despair deeper than any she had ever fallen into before. She wished more than anything that she could let herself go, but she knew now that now one would catch her. Olivia focused on a point on the ceiling above her, the tears wouldn't stop coming and she didn't have the strength to fight them. So ignoring them, she brought a hand to her throat where she searched for the one remaining pendant. When she found it Olivia fingered the word inscribed on the tiny gold plaque. Shutting her eyes again her lips formed the word "fearless" … she felt anything but… Why? All these years she had managed to take on the grief of the world, it seemed. But now, when she needed it most, Olivia couldn't fight her own demons. What was so bad about being alone? She had managed before…
Dealing with tragedy seemed second nature with Olivia. She had the fortitude, physically and mentally, to take on what others could not bare. She had wit, and the ability to see beyond almost anyone's façade. All this made her excellent at her job, but anyone who knew Olivia knew that what set her apart from the rest was heart. Any good member of the Special Victims Unit team cared about the victim. Olivia more than cared, she seemed able to connect in a special way. Victims of Assault, Murder, Rape, and abuse all seemed to trust her on some level, and she understood them. Anyone could tell… But what no one really knew was why. Sure Elliot had known the names of some of the skeletons in his partner's closet, a bit about her past, and she trusted him as much as she could - with her life – but even that only went so far.
For Olivia, every day and every case meant maintaining a delicate balance on an even more delicate line: Bringing victims and their cases close to her (that was the easier part, in a way) letting all the angst and terrible realities in… But never all the way. If she let anyone in that far it would all fall apart, she would fall on the other side of that line, behind her disarming confidence and natural charm, lay the memories, the truth, the pain; the side of Olivia Benson that she let no one see. The parts of her she had spent her whole life fighting away, the parts she wished could have died with the passage of time, but never did. Those thoughts, those fears, those horrible vulnerabilities where with her always (as much as she had stifled them and succeeded in overtaking them.) They were never too far below the surface, threatening to show themselves. It was to her benefit that Olivia had always worn her necessary independence well, and of even greater benefit was that the only people she seemed to need in life were her colleagues, all most all of them men. Olivia had learned from the beginning of her life onward that men, no mater how good or well meaning (most where not), could never truly be trusted or understand the depth women can posses. In her case, they would never even come close… Not even Elliot… So she was safe, and sufficiently in control enough to walk her thin line of stability, to keep her wall up and carefully guard the gate.
Overwhelming, as all of this may seem, to Olivia it now came as naturally as breathing. Many years ago, long before becoming a cop, she had built her wall high and strong. She had learned to turn vulnerability into sensitivity, pain into compassion, anger into strength and loneliness into independence. Moreover, as the years went by and she found security in her SVU family, she learned to soften her defenses, and the nearly impossible task of allowing just enough emotion to the surface so that those around her would not guess at the fact that there was so much more hidden. Her job, this life, required her armor to be bullet proof yet translucent and flexible… After all, how could she expect to connect with the ones who needed her – expect them to open up to her - if they could see how closed off she was herself.
There had only ever been one person who really knew Olivia. The one person to which the selfless, dependable, and beloved Detective Benson owed who she was today. One person who had managed to breach her walls when they where still new and not so difficult to climb, as are the walls around the heart of any young girl, even one forced to grow up well before her time. One person whom Olivia truly trusted, because she was there when no one else was. She was there when things were at their worst, to answer Olivia's prays, to save her. She was to one person who was always there trying to understand, even when young yet jaded Olivia had kept her at a distance. She was there though it all, her stubborn perseverance, friendship, and love had pulled Olivia through hell and out the other side. A single ardent flame always burning through the devastating darkness … Always... Until now.
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