after years of questions and probabilities, Wade stumbles on the beginnings of a plan.

warnings: slash. goofiness. mild angst. blood-n-guts. reference to torture and human experimentation. Earth-339 (think of it as 'the Waking Man universe'). spoilers for parts of Deadpool and for Messiah War. language: pg (primetime tv).

pairing: Nate/Wade, Stryfe/Wade.

timeline: 3921, six months before Nate and Hope arrive.

disclaimer: marvel owns Cable & Deadpool, disney owns marvel.

notes: 1) the interwoven timeline may or may not be important to you guys, but i'll lay it out for you just in case. when Nate and Hope timeslide at the end of Messiah War, they're leaving New York City, 2973, unknown future timeline. in the Waking Man series, a malfunction pops them into 3358 in a different timeline. they're about to arrive in 3922 of Earth-339. Dom and X-Force of Earth-339 jump under very similar circumstances to their Earth-616 counterparts; they just jump farther forward and *after* they'd rescued Julian and Tabby from their respective horrible icky plights. Wade of Earth-339 is the only character to have time continuity; he's never jumped forward or backward. 2) it's incredibly hard to look at a character like Stryfe and say "okay, let's make him MOAR EVIL!" so i like to make him evil in a different and possibly more colorful way. then again, young!Stryfe is hot enough to tempt me to make Stryfe less evil...ah, well. it's too late, Wade already lopped his head off. we already know that part, and we're just working our way back to it. 3) i have a feeling that only one of you will know which Stephen Lynch song i was thinking of when Wade starts whistling to himself. 4) yeah, Josh is really MADE for the role of Pestilence. if Apocalypse could look at every timeline and pick and choose his Dream Team, he would totally have Josh for Pestilence. 5) feel free to ignore the subject designations. but for those of you who are really nerdy, they may be important later. 6) oh, and the title is one of the things the original Magic Eight-Ball toy says.

Outlook Not Good

Wade wanders less, these days. He hadn't cared at first, and then he'd spent a decade exploring the fortress, and then he hit the planning-to-kill-Stryfe phase.

Now, instead of searching for entertainment, he searches for places to hide from Stryfe. He never gets away for more than a day or two, and Stryfe goes right back to the torture-experiment stuff, but it's still a brief slice of private time to sit and plan and talk to Eight-ball (that's what he calls the thing, because 'TRE' sounds pretentious and 'timeline resonance extrapolator' is too long).

So far, Stryfe thinks Eight-ball is just some pretty trinket Wade found. Quartermaster was smart when it (they?) made Eight-ball, though, so Wade figures it probably wouldn't make a difference if Stryfe did figure out what Eight-ball is.

The things Stryfe does these days aren't nearly as bad as they were at first. These days, he sticks with the physical. When he started with the experiments, just after Wade had finished exploring the fortress, they were mostly psychological. He once spent a whole day pretending to be Nate, and Wade totally bought it. Wade hid in the dungeon for a week after that; Stryfe laughed at him when he surfaced for junkfood.

Today, Stryfe is meticulously dissecting the muscles of Wade's forearm. Wade occasionally glances over to watch the sinews twisting themselves back together.

"Is there any chance of wrapping this up soon?" Wade asks. "Because…y'know, my social calendar is busting at the seams. Blind dates, a shuffleboard tournament, a pub crawl…and then some popcorn and a movie."

"When we're finished here, you can have all the popcorn you want," Stryfe replies absently, and prods something that sends a jolt of pain up Wade's shoulder.

"Ow," Wade obligingly says. "Seriously, snookums, how long is this going to take?"

"Are you bored, my pet?"

"Immensely, muffin."

Stryfe's eyebrows raise slightly. "Then I'm clearly not accomplishing my goals. Ah, well…back to the proverbial drawing board. I'll have something more interesting—or at the very least, more distractingly agonizing—by morning." He sits back, and Wade finds himself freed.

"I can go get my popcorn?" Wade asks while his skin knits back together.

"Yes. Feel free to pursue whatever fleeting amusements you like, but if you're not back by breakfast, I'll have to fetch you. I don't think either one of us would like that, Wade."

Wade hops up and salutes smartly. "Yessir, O provider of my munchies. Back by breakfast, scout's honor. One last thing before I go: you never poison me anymore. I'm starting to feel a lack of effort in our relationship on your part."

Stryfe gives him a bemused little grin (Nate's grin, and it's times like these that he hates Stryfe so much he feels like puking). "Wade, would you like me to poison your popcorn for you?"

"Nah, that's okay, babe," Wade dismisses with a flap of his hand. "I know you're busy with the whole 'planning my horrific eternal suffering' schtick. A boy likes to be surprised now 'n again, that's all."

"I shall endeavor to surprise you tomorrow, my dear. Knowing your off-color proclivities, you may even enjoy it."

Wade swallows the desire to shove a knife up Stryfe's nose while shouting something like, 'Enjoy this, you daddy-complex orphan-clone-bastard!' at the top of his lungs. Instead, he whistles a Stephen Lynch song and orders a big tub of movie popcorn from the nearest food synthesizer.

Today, Wade wanders right out of the fortress and into the barren, blasted foothills that surround it. He sits on a hill and pulls Eight-ball out of a convenient pouch on his belt. The light here is bad (a symptom of multiple nuclear winters), and he can barely see the symbols he needs to start the boot-up sequence. Then he aligns his fingers, and he doesn't have to look to do the rest. Reflexive motions, deeper than conscious memory, a kind of complex fidgeting that he's been doing for almost two thousand years now.

A twinkle and a flash. ~Access granted.~

"Continuing queries," Wade says, kicking a stone down the hill. "What about decapitation?"

~Extrapolating statistically likely outcomes under new parameters…~

While Eight-ball works, Wade munches a handful of popcorn and looks out at the ruined city, trying to pick out recognizeable landmarks. He thinks he can spot part of Trump Tower.

Eight-ball beeps. ~Decapitation proves effective in 63% of attempts.~

"What about the other thirty-seven?"

~Multiple variables prevent successful decapitation. Interruption, detection, premature termination of subject designate Wade Wilson WM339.~

Wade makes a face. "Ew. Premature termination of me is bad."

~This is agreed. At least one timestream branch involving Stryfe's continued rule leads to extinction of the human race.~

"Three most prevalent interruptions?"

~Subject designations Hope WM338, Warren Worthington WM339, and Lucas Bishop MP619-Delta.~

Wade frowns, chomps down another handful of popcorn. "Bishop. Mental note. So I need to make sure they're not in the room."

~That would increase chances of success by another 17%.~

"Yuck," he says with his mouth full. "That's still a one-in-five of me failing to decapitate and therefore getting ripped limb from limb."

~Only 8% of branches lead to your dismemberment.~

"Don't get technical with me, Eight-ball. Our deadline's coming up, we don't have time for technical."

~Removing the next two most prevalent sources of interruption would increase chances by an additional 7%.~

"See, now we're getting somewhere. Who are the next two?"

~Subject designations Telford Porter WM338 and Joshua Foley WM338.~

"Who and who?"

~Telford Porter, codename Vanisher. Mutant subject possessing powers of Darkforce dimensional teleportation and astral projection. Joshua Foley, codename Elixir. Omega-level mutant subject possessing powers of genetic-level biological manipulation useful in curing or inflicting diseases, as well as removing or restoring mutant abilities. An interesting footnote: in nearly 30% of timelines ruled by iterations of Apocalypse Beta, various subject designations of Joshua Foley are given the mantle of Pestilence.~

"Golly. Didn't need to know that. Kinda creepy, in fact."

In the distance, a scraggly bird of some kind flaps across the sky. Wade fleetingly entertains the notion of shooting it, but he'd get popcorn grease on his favorite gun.

"What was the chance of succes in any kind of attempt while I'm alone with him?"

~If subject designate Stryfe WM339-Alpha is asleep, 10%. Otherwise, 3%. Calculations include all previously discussed methods. So far, decapitation while subject is engaged in combat with others is the best option.~

"What if I get them to split up so that everybody who could interrupt is elsewhere, sic the rest of 'em on Stryfe, and then try to hack his head off?"

~Extrapolation in progress…~ Eight-ball suddenly flashes blue. ~Yes.~

Wade looks at the sphere of crystal, shakes it a little, holds it up to the light again. "What the hell kinda answer is that?"

~If all interruptions are elsewhere and the remainder engage subject in combat, and if you are operating with all stealth systems engaged, an attempt at decapitation will lead to failure in only one branch. That is to say, the chance of success under those conditions is approximately 99%.~

"Awesome possum," Wade says, cheerful at finally getting some good news. "Who do I need to keep him distracted?"

~All successful timeline branches require the presence of subject designate Neena Thurman WM339. As you are fond of threes, the next three subject designations most prevalent in successful branches are Nathan Dayspring WM339-Gamma, Logan WM338, and James Proudstar WM339.~

"Eight-ball, is Bishop in this timeline now?"

~Scanning worldwide chronometric wavelength… No.~

"Fudgesicles. Any particular time he's supposed to arrive?"

~Extrapolation in progress… Lucas Bishop Delta was assigned at the schism occurring when multiple subject designations of Nathan Dayspring took multiple subject designations of Hope from their respective parent timelines. Delta iterations are those subjects who chose to destructively pursue Nathan Dayspring and Hope.~

"Right. So. Bad guy, then. Will you be getting around to answering my question at some point?"

~Patience is a virtue. Context was required. Subject designate MP616-Delta has already heavily intersected the current timeline. However, subject designate MP619-Delta will intersect next, due to an encounter with the timestream slicing anomaly which caused the schism of Nathan Dayspring into Gamma iterations. There is a 97% probability that he will arrive before the end of the week.~

Wade waves a handful of popcorn. "Look who you're talking to, Eight-ball. 'Patience is a virtue'? Clearly Q made you with a sense of humor."

~It would appear so.~

"And a smart mouth. Oh! Hey, how much time is left before Nate's crew shows up?"

~Subject designations Nathan Dayspring WM339-Gamma and Hope WM338 will arrive approximately six months from now. Other aforementioned subject designations will arrive two days later.~

"Seriously?" Wade squawks, spraying popcorn across the hill. "I have to keep the Fabulous Chocolate Fascist's claws out of Hot-Evil-Clone-Boy for six friggin' months?"

~Alternatively, you could arrange to have subject designate Stryfe WM339-Alpha kill him.~

Wade scoffs bitterly, and stuffs his mouth full of popcorn again. "Shyeah, I'll have a great time explaining that to Nate… 'Sweetie, I know you feel he was just misguided and could've been made to see reason, but he precipitated worldwide nuclear winter and the near-extinction of the species, and I was feeling frustrated after playing doctor with Stryfe for a couple hundred years.'"

~Your reasoning is sound. Why would subject designate Nathan Dayspring WM339-Gamma fail to comprehend such a decision?~

"Oh, Eight-ball, you are so endlessly naïve… Nate has very little sense of logic. He went completely 'killing people is bad' for the last twenty years of his life. It's one of his annoying-but-cute-in-a-dorky-annoying-way traits."

It's one of his traits that led to the endless bickering that Wade hated at the time but dearly misses now.

Wade sighs and scuffs his boot in the dust.

It'll be nice to see Nate—the real Nate—again. He'll have to make an effort not to annoy him, so that when he and Hope go back to the twenty-first century, he'll be all doting and contrite like Wade remembers him being.

Nate has to let Wade be around Hope, because raising Hope is probably the only worthwhile thing Wade can remember doing in his life.

…okay, aside from all the really great sex. Because that was…y'know, really great.

…yeah, and aside from saving the world from the Skrulls. And from being turned into happy zombies by the Mithras. And from having their souls eaten because Nate almost didn't let Jiminy Cricket be his guide when that Heca-whatever monster showed up.

But raising Hope was definitely more lastingly important than saving an ungrateful world or boffing some beautiful people (and man, Wade has slept with some real hotties in his nineteen-plus centuries on the planet).

Seriously. Every time somebody saves the world, it just goes and gets itself endangered again (usually within the month). And even if he managed to boink the most beautiful person in the history of ever, he'd just be horny again the next day (okay, ten minutes later, to be perfectly honest). Hope will be awesome for the rest of her life (which, since she's spent so much time with the Summers clan, will probably be another couple hundred years).

And a talking empty snowglobe is going to help him make sure there's no creepy megalomaniac there to cramp her style.

Ah.

Aha.

Wade slowly stands and holds the extrapolator up to the fading daylight. "Eight-ball, I am a flippin' genius."

~No evidence exists to support such a claim.~

"Shush."

.End.