Donald and Launchpad Vs. the Pie Rats
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
ANOTHER Story starring Donald? Weird. Anything can happen when you let the story take over.
Donald Duck was TRYING to talk to his Uncle Scrooge who was, I'm afraid, not listening.
"I don't have time for such nonsense!" Mr. McDuck snapped.
"I'm TELLING you, my mail boat was robbed! By Pie Rats! Rats who threw giant pies and surrounded my boat and stole all the mail I was carrying!" Donald claimed.
"Stuff and nonsense. Why would anybody steal mail? No one with sense mails money." Mr. McDuck replied.
"I don't know! I'm not a crook! But it happened! To me and to two other mail boats!" Donald stated.
"Then why is there nothing about this in the morning paper?" Mr. McDuck inquired.
"The post office is trying to hush this up! Too few people bother mailing stuff in the first place! And they use shipping companies instead of the post office too often! The post office is afraid if word of this leaks out, it'll REALLY ruin their business. I need help!" Donald said.
"I don't have time. I'm a busy man. Take care of it yourself, nephew." Mr. McDuck said.
And Duckworth drove Mr. McDuck off someplace.
Launchpad then went over and talked to Donald.
"Me and Sharan will be flying over your mail route all day. There's a firework display tonight to celebrate Duckburg's 225th anniversary. We're delivering fireworks to barges. If you like, we can keep an eye open for these Pie Rats of yours." Launchpad offered.
"We're supposed to be keeping an eye open for trouble makers, anyway." I added.
The Pie-rats had been bakers, once. They had been put out of work by health food fanatics, dieters and lousy economy. Too many people refused to buy sugary, flour-made concoctions made with eggs, butter and sometimes fried in oil. ( 1) Too many people skipped treats to save money. Too many people didn't like the idea of stuff baked by rats in the first place. These bakers had been put out of work and turned to a life a crime- turned into pie-rats.
They'd surrounded a vessel and aimed big guns at it. They would throw pies at anybody who resisted, hence the term pie-rats. This embarrassed and humiliated the enemy and saved on ammo.
Donald had a fire hose he could THEORETICALLY fight off pie-rats with. IF it was long enough to reach past his boat, which it wasn't. IF it could stand up to that kind of water pressure, which it couldn't. IF the pump could pump up seawater that fast, which it couldn't. It was good for fighting fires on board the ship, but that was it.
"You're supposed to be able to fight off pie rats with THIS?" Launchpad asked, inspecting the leaky, short hose hooked up to an ancient slow pump.
"There are mail boats used just for show that have the right kind of hose and pump. The real mail boats have junk." Donald Duck replied.
"I've seen junk in better shape that this! In fact, let's go to the dump and I bet we can find some stuff to fix this with!" Launchpad suggested.
So...we went to the Duckburg Dump and looked around.
"Remember, inanimate objects don't care what they are used for. We need something that will function as a hose and a pump. It doesn't have to be a hose or a pump, it just has to be able to be used as one or the other." Launchpad said.
"How's about a hose and a pump?" I asked. and I showed him a pool hose and a pool pump I had found that were in perfect shape.
"That's a pool hose and a pool pump! They are meant for pumping out water from a pool, not fighting pie rats!" Donald objected.
"They're inanimate objects. They don't CARE if you use them for something else." I replied.
Launchpad checked them out.
"These will work fine! The hose is long enough and it has no leaks! The pump needs a little work, but I can cannibalize Donald's old pump so it will do what we want it to." Launchpad said.
"Donald, you know more about ships and sailing than I do..." Launchpad began.
"You taught me how to sail a ship!" Donald interjected.
"And you quickly got better than it than I am. You took to it like a dog takes to digging.(2) Besides, you've been in the Navy. You know more about ships than I do, like what to do if a ship starts sinking..." Launchpad continued.
"Like when the bridge down river lifts so boats can sail under it and when it lowers so cars can cross?" Donald said.
"Exactly. Why would I know that?" Launchpad asked.
"You know there is a lot of stuff here meant to freeze things. Ice makers, freezers, even this thing used to make dry ice. Know what happens if you put dry ice in water?" Donald asked.
"You get fog. Artificial fog.' I replied.
"But the fog's not thick enough to blind anybody! It's annoying..." Launchpad began.
"Annoying enough to get the pie rats mad at me so they follow my boat even if they weren't planning to steal my mail this time? Especially since it'll look like I'm trying to hide from them, which will make them think I've got something worth stealing?" Donald suggested.
'Brilliant! THEY don't know we haven't a clue why they're stealing MAIL." Launchpad replied.
"And I can make snowballs to toss at them with the ice maker and little ice burgs to slow them down. In this heat, they won't last long (3)...but it'll make them mad!" said Donald, being something of at expert on what makes people mad.
"What kind of boat did the pie rats use to rob you?" I asked Donald.
"With ME, it was an old tug boat that was in dry dock being painted until the pie rats "borrowed" it to steal my mail! they abandoned it later. With one of the other two mail captains, it was a brand new water taxi awaiting it's final inspection that was "borrowed" and later abandoned. With the other, a ferry boat put aside because there were few passengers needed the ferry at that time of day was "borrowed" and abandoned." Donald said.
"Great. They use very common type boats, whatever they can easily get their paws on, then leave it as soon as they're done!" Launchpad said. "That narrows thing down!"
"Just keep your eyes open. If you see something fishy, or if somebody tries to rob you, radio us. We'll be flying back and forth all day." I said. " Flying fireworks to the barge, since 'they" were afraid if they loaded the fireworks on the barge before it was put in place, somebody might hijack it. And flying big wigs to the festival. If WE see anything, we'll radio YOU." I said.
So we kept our eyes open for anything that looked weird as we went about our work...Donald was the one who noticed something fishy going on.
"Launchpad, Sharan...there's a motorized sailboat on my course that's TACKING AGAINST THE WIND. Not many people know how to do that anymore and even fewer bother in a motorized sailboat- not unless they're in a race." Donald began. "I can't tell yet if it's following me or it just happens to be going in the same direction."
We changed course until we saw both Donald's mailboat and the sailboat he was talking about. It didn't seem terribly suspicious to us...not until after Donald had docked the mailboat. Once Donald had delivered a few mail sacks and picked up many more, the sailboat started following Donald's mail boat. Once they knew that Donald's boat had mail on it, that it wasn't coming back empty...the sailboat bore down towards Donald's mail boat.
Donald TRIED to use the "new" hose and pump. But Launchpad had forgotten that donald isn't very big and isn't very strong. Donald assumed the "new" hose would not work any better than the old one. In fact, Donald doubted it would work at all. But the water came busting out thur the hose, full force...and bounced Donald on the deck several times before Donald managed to turn off the hose. He somehow decided not to try that hose again.
Donald tried using fog against the sailboat..but the sailboat wasn't using it's motor. It wasn't going fast enough to worry about an annoying fog, especially not in the day time. The thin fog didn't obscure the view enough to matter, not to a sail boat. Not when it's not using it's motor. Donald tried throwing mini ice burg at the sailboat, but he couldn't get the freezer to work right. The water did not freeze properly. Donald got frustrated and angry (this is new?) but that didn't help any.
The pie rats rolled out the giant pies and the giant catapult.
Launchpad and I flew our planes over the sailboat. Launchpad radioed me to dump the huge paper bags he put aboard our planes earlier.
"Make sure you hit the sailboat and NOT Donald's boat!" Launchpad cautioned.
So we bombed the sailboat with the huge paper bags. I had no idea what was in them until they burst open as they hit the sailboat. The bags had been chock full of...breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs covered the sailboat. To be followed by seagulls, pigeons, every bird strong enough to fly out that far on the river. Who not only attacked the breadcrumbs, but attacked the giant pies the pie rats had rolled out, too. And when the pie rats were dumb enough to try and stop them, the hungry birds attacked the pie rats, too- since the birds greatly out numbered the pie rats.
The pie rats tried to keep following Donald's boat, being too blame stubborn to give up trying to steal his mail, despite the fact they could hardly see where they we're going, what with all the birds around. Then, a great horn blew and all the birds scattered.
"Who had the sense to blow that horn and scare away the birds?' The pie rat chief asked.
But none of pie rats had a horn to blow, or they would gladly taken credit for it.
Then, the Duckburg bridge, which had been up to let boat go by came down to let cars go on it. (4)And it was heading down right on top of the sailboat the pie rats had borrowed! THAT'S what the horn was, a warning that the drawbridge was coming down. Donald had taking his boat under the bridge just before it was due to come down.
The pie rat chief saw what was happening and managed to sail his boat out of the way of the down coming bridge JUST in time! But, naturally, the near miss caused the coast guard to come to investigate. They stopped the sailboat. We landed our planes so we could join Donald in telling the coast guard what the pie rats had been up to. Since the post office had told the cops and the coast guard about these pie rats and the coast guard saw the giant catapult and what was left of the giant pies (after the birds were done with them), the pie rats were soon in the brig.
"WHY were you guys stealing MAIL for, anyway?" Donald asked.
The pie rats, at first, didn't talk. But the coast guard soon figured it out. The mail had been sorted out. Bank statements, applications for credit cards, notices from social security , anything with somebody's personal info on it was put on a table, the rest throw away. The pie rats had been committing identity fraud. They stole mail to get personal information and credit card applications. Using the info they stole, they applied for credit cards in other peoples names and ranked up huge bills THEY didn't pay!
The coast guard also figured out why the pie rats had tacked against the wind: the sail boat they had stolen didn't have much fue on board, in fact it had been in port to refuel when it was stolen. The pie rats didn't realize the sail boat had so little fuel on board when they stole it, so they saved what fuel there was for their get away. which they never got to.
The coast guard turned the pie rats to the cops who locked the pie rats up.
Our heroes went home.
LATER...
"Donald, I owe you an apology. I was too busy to listen to you because my businesses have been hit hard by identity fraud lately. Now I find out you helped stop the crooks behide it." Mr. Mc Duck said.
"Launchpad helped, too." Donald replied.
"So he did. Especially by listening to you when I couldn't be bothered." Mr. McDuck replied.
THE END.
(1) Bagels, donuts.
(2) I somehow doubt the expression "like a duck takes to water" exists in Earth- Disney. Or whatever the place is called.
(3) it's currently Indian summer (can you still use that expression?) in Duckburg.
(4) The Duckburg bridge is an old fashioned drawbridge. The powers that be in Duckburg considered building a arc bridge, but there is bad flooding in Duckburg every 3 or 5 years that would flood out a bridge that can't be raised.